The Adventures of Thomas Story Kirkbride in the Land of the UER

Sometimes you gotta make the waves that make the internet worth surfing.  A friend of mine who we will call "Emperor Norton I" is one of the wave-makers I admire.

The urbex forums of the uer.ca are notorious for their lame posts and even more lame and humorless moderators.  Emperor Norton adopted the persona of a modern incarnation of Thomas Story Kirkbride (the father of much that is explorable today) and infiltrated the lair of the sorriest of supposed "infiltrators."

Sadly, most of these posts were deleted before they found much of their audience, sometimes within minutes.  Fortunately, his Majesty had the good sense to save the following screen captures of his work for the sake of posterity.

I now have the honor of sharing with you the Adventures of Thomas Story Kirkbride in the Land of the UER...



I.


















Some more posts that weren't deleted...

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Monday, April 10th, 2006, 11:41 PM
UE Tutorials, Lessons, and Useful Info > Re: Ninja Suits :p
Dis one time my mate Horace Buttolph showed up when we were UERing this killer office building in New York (HINT: it wuz da Empire State Building) in a ninja suit, so I made my other mate Walter Freeman hold him still while I kicked him in the ballz for bein' a dumbass.

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Wednesday, April 5th, 2006, 9:39 AM
UE Main > Re: Cool ass UE Documentary
Yeah dat video is like extra-boring. When I iz UEing, I'm like da Seven Samurai, and if any homeboyz step to me I put da hurt down something FIERCE. Those peoplez in dat video iz all like "oooh look, it'z abandoned buildingz" and they didn't even have da spraypaint to make some awesome tagz.

Recently, I iz been tagging "Dorothea is a Ho" on everything I come across, since that bird wuz cheeting on me wit my mate Walter Freeman. I almost kicked his stupid head in, but we made a truce.

I think dat video would be hella cool, though, if there was some awesome tagging, and some hot babes and explosions in it. Next time they go dere, dey should bring some like M80s and shit, and Lara Croft.


Thomas Story Kirkbride     Wednesday, April 5th, 2006, 12:03 AM
UE Photography > Re: the Industrial Revolution
Posted by handskills


Now dis is an OK picture. Its not really terrible. Well, actually it's pretty boring. So I'm going to drop some free photography lessons on you, so next time you take some pictures they're less boring than this one. All you have to do is this:


Now, you see this is a better picture than your crap picture above. It contains much more interesting stuff, like beer, babes, and an explosion. Also, the explosion is coming out of the beer, which is like an explosion in your mouth. And also, the babes are really hot.

If you takes my advising to heart, your pictures next time will not be as crap.


Thomas Story Kirkbride     Wednesday, April 5th, 2006, 9:03 AM
UE Photography > Re: the Industrial Revolution
Posted by nobody
I'm speechless, your work is.......what...Amazing. N.
I know, dat's cause I learned the photography from Ansel Adams himself. It's OK, dere's no reason for everyone else to feel ashamed dat my photographing skillz is bigger than y'allz. Keep practicing and remember the 3 most important elementz of da Zone System:
1) Hot Babes
2) Beer
3) Fire

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Wednesday, April 5th, 2006, 8:58 AM
UE Main > Re: NEW MEMBERS INTRODUCTIONS: POST HERE
Posted by Explorer_H
So Ali G is now a member? Are you for real? Being that you are from Philly, you may want to actually go and explore it and tell us about it sans the gangster talk. You will get a much better response that way. Philly is a goldmine of locations.
Yo, I iz actually working on getting some pictures from our trip recently to some placez in Illadephia. I wuz out exploring wit' my Posse, which is Me, and my mates Horace Buttolph and Walter Freeman. We iz exploring all over the city, so don't worry. You iz probably seen our tags all over in the Center City.

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Tuesday, April 4th, 2006, 4:16 PM
UE Photography > Re: Hey Guys, an abandoned building. I am still a basic memeber so I can't post this in the location database
Posted by fatLouie
Dude, that is hilarious we should like totally go explore a shed now.
now here's where thigns get intrusting

you know I'm hot now im me ladies! ;)


Thomas Story Kirkbride     Tuesday, April 4th, 2006, 4:25 PM
UE Photography > Re: Hey Guys, an abandoned building. I am still a basic memeber so I can't post this in the location database
Posted by mikieboy67
I didn't have a flashlight when I went there, but If I go next time I will bring a flashlight with me, so I can take better pictures.
I was greeted by a face full of spider webs (that really sucked). I looked around forgetting my flash light LOL again.

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Tuesday, April 4th, 2006, 9:57 PM
UE Photography > Re: Hey Guys, an abandoned building. I am still a basic memeber so I can't post this in the location database
Posted by mikieboy67
They are the best part of all exploring
Fo sho, bizzle!

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Tuesday, April 4th, 2006, 10:05 PM
UE Photography > Re: Hey Guys, an abandoned building. I am still a basic memeber so I can't post this in the location database
Posted by mikieboy67
LOL When I said that I mean't the toilets, but its cool.
Naw the toilets iz the best part, yo! Not only can you let loose if you had one too many pieces of the Colonel's Extra Tasty Crispy, but youze never know if there's gonna be a like FO REAL stash in that water tank in back! Always check that tank! My mate Horace Buttolph found like four Z's in one of those one time!

Nice photos, brah!


Thomas Story Kirkbride     Tuesday, April 4th, 2006, 10:51 PM
UE Photography > Re: Hey Guys, an abandoned building. I am still a basic memeber so I can't post this in the location database
Posted by mikieboy67
Do you yall think this car is stolen?
I think that car is busted, so who cares?

You gots to dump that piece of shit and get yoself a more pimp ride. Maybe with some big gold rims and like a killer system.

I myself gots me the Escalade, natch!


Thomas Story Kirkbride     Tuesday, April 4th, 2006, 10:35 PM
Other > Re: possible ghost pic
Like dude, there's totally a ghost in that picture FO SURE!

You needz to use AGST (Advanced Ghostie Snoopin' Technology) to enhance the photo. Like the only peoplez who has this technology is CSI - AND ME! So you're in luck.

Check dis shit after I run AGST on it:


Thomas Story Kirkbride     Wednesday, April 5th, 2006, 7:14 AM
Other > Re: possible ghost pic
Posted by DelbertGrady
I don't know man... I'm seeing an old house but definitely not a ghost. Are you screwing with everybody?
Iz you all mental? Does you all belong in one of these places? I already told you , da ghostie is RIGHT HERE!.
^
|
\-------------------------- HERE

Thomas Story Kirkbride     Wednesday, April 5th, 2006, 9:09 AM
Other > Re: possible ghost pic
Posted by nobody
My first, and possibly only laugh of the day, thank you, N.


Dere is nothing at all funny about ghosties, they is trying to kill you unless you eat the Power Pellet. But that only lasts a few seconds, and doesn't kill da ghosties - it just sends 'em to jail for a minute. It's better to run away like a little girlie man.


For more information about the historic exploits of the original T. S. Kirkbride, please see this entry in Wikipedia.
Copyright 2006 Emperor Norton I.  Layout by Alexplorer.  Thanks to Melancholy for compiling additional posts.

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