The Dioramas, Part II
Continuing where we left off...




Episode IV: A New Hope

Top: A Tuskin Raider on a Bantha and a Stormtrooper on a Dewback discuss the benefits and drawbacks of four-leg drive on sandy terrain.

1a. Darth Vader boards the Tantive IV to see if the water in their toilets is blue also.

1b. Princess Leia gives R2 the plans to the Death Star ...and probably a virus as well.


2. Jawas sell droids to Uncle Owen and Luke after rolling their odometers back.

3. Random desert scenes thoroughly not inspired by Georgia O'Keefe.


4a. Cantina patrons talk about Princess Leia's big buns.

4b. The cantina band rocks pretty well for a bunch of long-haired hippy freaks.

5a. Obi Wan cuts off Walrus Man's arm to counter-protest PETA.

5b. Cantina patrons get loaded and talk about their glory days in the E Street Band.


6. In the middle of an impromptu class reunion, Han settles a score with Greedo for stealing his prom date.

7a. Imperial techs prepare to search the Falcon for Scooby Snacks.

7b. The heroes run around the Death Star despite Leia's suggestion they just ask for directions.


8a. Imperials do their best to stand around and look shiny.

8b. Vader and Obi Wan are at it again.

9a. The Rebels meet to prepare for the attack on the Death Star.  Then they hold a drawing for the door prize.

9b. The award ceremony for the heroes to be followed by an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.




Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Top a: Luke on his trusty tauntaun, "Stinky" who is the reason why the wall is green instead of white.

Top b: Han and Chewie destroy the probe droid for having nicer legs than Leia.

1a. The Wampa keeps Luke on ice.

1b. Luke tries out for the role of a plecostomus in Finding Nemo.


2. Chillin' at the Hoth base.

3. Rebels and Imperials declare a snow day and just have a snowball fight instead.


4a. An officer discovers that Vader's head is made of strawberry ice cream.

4b. The bridge is visited by bounty hunters or, as they're perhaps better known: Guns 'n' Roses.

5a. Luke trains with Yoda on Dagobah in facilities reminiscent of Louisiana's public schools.

5b. Everyone still wonders how Yoda packed a robot Darth Vader with Luke's face into his escape pod 18 years ago when he went into exile.


6a. Han's arrival on Cloud City platform is being validated by a stereotypically black parking attendant.  (Shame, Mr. Lucas!)

6b. Vader wanders the halls of Cloud City in search of a decent signal on his cell.

7. The Carbon freeze chamber is quite the opposite of Mtv's "The Grind."


8a. Luke duels Vader over whether blue and orange really look good together.

8b. Lando takes back Leia from the Empire after they fail to keep up their payments on her.

9a. Luke hangs beneath Cloud City to get some peace from 3PO's whining.

9b. The heroes say goodbye to Lando from the medical frigate before realizing that he isn't insured to fly the Falcon.


Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Top: The speeder bike chase in which no one thinks to fly above the trees.

1a. Jabba's palace showcase of Jim Henson's worst acid trip.

1b. C-3PO and R2-D2 are brought to the droid torture chamber and discover what a fetish party is.


2. Luke arrives at Jabba's throne room only to find that dress is casual/optional.

3. Jabba's band makes Boba Fett very glad his helmet is soundproofed.


4. Boushh rescues Han from looking like something a Star Wars collector would have in his living room.  (Yeah, I know this is out of order; I introduced Jabba too early, just like the movie does.)

5. The Emperor arrives on the new Death Star and immediately scuffs the new floors with that damned cane of his.


6. The Rebels plan the attack on the Death Star then call it a day and go out for drinks at TGI Fridays.

7. The Rebels are captured by the Ewoks to give the audience the confidence that these heroes can really pull off defeating an Empire and blow up their Death Star.


8. The Rebels attack the shield bunker and battle Imperials so the Ewoks can get helmets to play drums on.

9a. The final duel between Luke and Vader while the Emperor looks on, as bored by the rest of us at the anticlimax of it all.

9b. The Jedi spirits turn up at the Ewok celebration for free beer and the chance to meet some furries.


In case you're wondering (I did), the final figure count breaks down like so:
Episode I: 91 figures
Episode II: 70 figures
Episode III: 70 figures
Episode IV: 86 figures
Episode V: 71 figures
Episode VI: 98 figures

Total figure count: 486 figures




Copyright 2006 Alexplorer.

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