...or "WHAT THEY WRITE
It has long been known that...
(I haven't bothered to look up the
...of great theoretical and
(It is interesting to me.)
While it has not been
(The experiments didn't work out.)
to provide definite answers to
(but I figured I could at least
publication out of it... )
The W-Pb system was chosen
to show the predicted behavior...
(The fellow in the next lab had
High purity... Very high
high purity... Super-purity... or Spectroscopically pure...
(Composition unknown except for
claims of the supplier.)
A fiducial reference line
Three of the samples were
chosen for detailed
(The results of the others didn't
sense and were ignored.)
...handled with extreme care
(...not dropped on the floor.)
Typical results are shown...
(The best results are shown...)
Although some detail has been
lost in reproduction,
it is clear from the original micrograph...
(It is impossible to tell from the
Presumably at longer times...
(I didn't take the time to find
The agreement with the
as good as could be expected
These results will be reported
at a later
(I might get around to this
The most reliable values are
those of Jones
(He was a student of mine.)
It is suggested that...
It is believed that...
It may be that...
It is generally believed that...
(I have such a good objection to
answer that I shall now raise it.)
It is clear that much
additional work will
be required before a complete understanding...
(I don't understand it...)
Unfortunately, a quantitative
account for these effects has not been formulated.
(...no one else understands it
Correct within an order of
It is hoped that this work will
further work in the field.
(This paper isn't very good but
are any of the others on this miserable subject.)
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for
with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.
(Glotz did the work and Doe
what it meant.)
A definite trend is evident...
(These data are practically
A careful analysis of
(Three pages of notes were
when I knocked over a glass of beer.)
Written by Master Peter
with contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
Whitson and a few others.
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please rise for
the singing of our National Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for
3) "Charge the mound" when a
beans you with a high fast question.
4) Describe parts of your thesis
5) "Musical accompaniment provided
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the spectators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How
hell did they make you a professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I
lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the
of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the
"discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the
copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you -
a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in
of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if
for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for
24) "In protest of our
and brutal oppression of minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I
26) Smoke machines, dramatic
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at
28) Surreptitiously fill the room
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question
form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our
32) Present your entire talk in
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
34) Switch halfway through your
Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35) The Emperor's New Slides
can't see the writing...")
36) Table dance (you or an exotic
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my
39) "I'd like to thank the
40) Minstrel show (blackface,
41) Previews, cartoons, and the
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story -
guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the
51) Leave Jehovah's Witness
52) "There will be a short quiz
53) "Professor Robinson, will you
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell."
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a
him with a glove is optional.
59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck...
61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
63) Sell those big foam "We're
64) Pass out souvenir matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag - you're it!"
67) Circulate a vicious rumor that
Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations,
escape during all the commotion.
68) Post signs: "Due to a computer
at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the
defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)."
69) Hang a pinata over the table
a strolling mariachi band.
70) Make each professor remove an
of clothing for each question he asks.
71) Rent a billboard on the
"Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" -
BEFORE your defense happens.
72) Have a make-your-own-sundae
during the defense.
73) Make committee members wear
74) Simulate your experiment with
reality system for the spectators.
75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
76) Throw a masquerade defense,
with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
77) Use a Greek Chorus to
78) "The responsorial psalm can be
on page 124 of the thesis..."
79) Tap dance.
81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I
say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
82) Flex and show off those
83) Dress in top hat and tails.
84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally,
with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
85) Detonate a small nuclear
the room. Or threaten to.
86) Shadow puppets.
87) Show slides of your last
88) Put your overheads on a film
Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the
89) Same as #88, but instead of a
recorder, go around the room making a different person read the
text for each picture.
90) "OK, everybody - heads down on
desk until you show me you can behave."
91) Call your adviser "sweetie."
92) Have everyone pose for a group
93) Instant replay.
94) Laugh maniacally.
95) Talk with your mouth full.
96) Start speaking in tongues.
99) Spontaneously combust.
100) Answer every question with a
101) Moon everyone in the room
102) "Laugh, will you? Well, they
at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."
103) Hand out 3-D glasses.
104) "I'm rubber, you're glue..."
105) Go into labor (especially for
106) Give your entire speech in a
107) "I don't know - I didn't
108) Before your defense, build
underneath all the seats.
109) Swing in through the window,
a la Tarzan.
110) Lock the department head and
secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the
office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the
And refuse to sell them stamps.
111) Roll credits at the end.
a "key grip" and a "best boy."
112) Hang a disco ball in the
the room. John Travolta pose optional.
113) Invite the homeless.
114) "I could answer that, but
have to kill you"
116) Get a friend to ask the first
Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of
dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask
other wise-ass remarks?"
117) Same as #116, except use real
118) "Well, I saw it on the
so I figured it might be a good idea..."
119) Wear clown makeup, a clown
shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
120) Use the words "marginalized",
121) Play Thesis Mad Libs.
122) Try to use normal printed
the overhead projector.
123) Do your entire defense
124) Invite your parents.
if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was
an intelligent child.")
125) Flash "APPLAUSE" and
126) Mosh pit.
127) Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an
128) Bring Howard Cosell out of
to do color commentary.
129) "I say Hallelujah, brothers
130) Claim political asylum.
131) Traffic reports every 10
on the 1's.
132) Introduce the "Eyewitness
Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and
with the weather.
133) Live radio and TV coverage.
134) Hang a sign that says "Thank
for not asking questions."
135) Bring a microphone. Point it
questioner, talk-show style.
136) Use a TelePrompter.
137) "Take my wife - please!"
138) Refuse to answer questions
they phrase the question as a limerick.
139) Have everyone bring wine
When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your
Or your adviser.
140) Offer a toast.
142) Start giving your
143) Play drinking thesis
Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for
each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
144) Swoop in with a cape and
145) "By the power of Greyskull..."
146) Use any past or present
Night Live catchphrase. Not.
147) Stand on the table.
148) "You think this defense was
Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."
I read this years and
when I was an undergrad. I just thought of it the other night and
tracked it down on the net. You can see how dated it is by some
the references, but the truths are eternal!
6:30 Wake up and lie awake in
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on
dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with
heart in mouth
when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 Fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in
7:45 Ready to go to school,
tomorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize
officemate arrived earlier today and must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office,
Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to
work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students
regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job.
too much work to do today.
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine;
to call up the company and ask for your money back. Wonder why they
9:33 Start printing out loads
that may be vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning
Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a
he would not comprehend. Feel good about him not grasping English
9:58 Finger everyone in the
and most people half way around the world (using the "finger" command,
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not
late playing tetris last night.
10:31 Momentary panic
10:43 Edit .plan file. write a
to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's
office and borrow
something you don't need & and kinda make him aware you are working
hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams
11:11 Read electronic
11:34 Start typing junk at a
key-in rate to pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes by
11:35 Press the Backspace key
for one and
a half minutes until all the garbage you typed in is erased.
that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl
in the department.
11:45 Print out some slides for
draft + presentation.
11:47 Print them again, you
forgot to change
the date from last presentation.
11:49 Print another copy in
case this one
11:51 Completely forget about
coffee machine company.
12:15 Hunger pangs: 12:20
time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor.
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's
resentment towards foreign officemate for sucking up to your
Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work for
1:51 Advisor hands you the
of your draft for corrections.
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to
1:51:52 Realize that he
controls your assistantship/grade/
graduation possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities and the
of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him.
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not
stupid to your advisor
1:53:00 Splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail,
though, you are too busy to do that.
2:06 More generic cola.
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to
2:30 Sit through the class you
to sit through.
2:39 Look outside the window
plans to quit this degree program and take up a job. Wonder why
girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted
office door and open a few .gif files. Sharpen pencil.
3:06 Worry about never
Time to write a letter--NOT! No time for that. Rearrange
Call up bank, see if you have any money. Fear of losing aid next
Fall. Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&%
3:43 Watch the clock.
to do a all-nighter tonite. Vow to watch only 2 TV programs.
4:58 Notice advisor leave.
4:58:01 Sudden sense of
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00 Come into the office
9:01 The hard working grad
are, you have to come to the office late at night to "get the work
9:03 Check electronic
it would be a good time to attack those ftp sites since network won't
loaded. Run into "since network won't be loaded" traffic and get
the pictures into your machine. Compress all the unwanted
directories to make space. Back up all your pictures.
10:11 Admire pictures.
Realize you need references. Realize its too late today to go to
the library. Sudden feeling of having wasted the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of
to waste the night, decide to turn in early and come back very early
morning. Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in
a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game
after game to
improve your score and get on the scoreboard. Realize that your
is still at number 6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your
into the 7th place. A sense of achievement!! Yes, today was
not wasted!! Return home to find your roommate watching David
reruns on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you
Discuss philosophy with roommate.
1:09am Think about becoming a
and dining with 4 others. (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee
:-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about politics, why people
Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or
to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you
milk today. Get reminded of the "too much milk problem."
2:04 Forget about getting up
Turn the phone ringer off and go to sleep.