Farrah Fawcett - She was famous for being pretty. Most folks can't name anything she was involved with other than Charlie's Angels and the actors she was married to. Oh, except that interview on Letterman a few years ago she gave while drunk. She should have talked to Ed about being a functional alcoholic while on camera.
Ed McMahon - He was an announcer. Period. A nice guy, sure, but not funny, not clever, and not versatile. Contributed nothing to <The Tonight Show where Carson didn't need a foil and was funny enough he didn't need a cheerleader, let alone a drunk one.
Billy Mays - Remember when commercials were the things that came on between the celebrities' time in the spotlight? Now everyone's a celebrity. We've lost all perspective when loud and annoying salesmen are welcomed into our homes instead of having doors slammed in their faces.
David Carradine - Poor man's Clint Eastwood. A B-movie actor still famous primarily for playing a half-Chinese man almost 40 years ago because Hollywood was afraid to cast an actual Chinese man. Only marginally relevant as of a few years ago for a glorified cameo as the title character/MacGuffin in a Tarantino project.
Michael Jackson - A freak... and therefore the most entertaining man on the planet.
Think about it. The paparazzi spend their days following around dumb cunts like Lindsey Lohan. What's she done? She's alternately drunk, anorexic, and/or a lesbian. That describes the lady who lived across the street from me a few years ago. My neighbor even huffed paint on her front porch at 4am on a weekday. True story. Did that make her interesting? Maybe, but not enough for the media, the cops, or even me to really care. Britney shaved her head once. That distinguishes her from said neighbor by one thing. The neighbor only had a mullet.
By contrast, what did Michael give us? Even if he wasn't an amazing dancer and sang some of the most memorable songs of the past century, here's what I come up with off the top of my head: tried to buy the Elephant Man's bones, Bubbles the chimp was his best bud, was Elizabeth Taylor's best bud, slept in a hyperbaric chamber, married Elvis' daughter, had his own ride at Disney World, lived in his own amusement park, (allegedly) molested some kids, had Corey Feldman as an obsessed fan, was Macaulay Culkin's obsessed fan, dangled his baby over a balcony, and wore a surgical mask in public even though he was the patient for dozens of plastic surgeries to look like Diana Ross. This is all on top of having moonwalked the Grammys, becoming synonymous with a sequined glove, appearing in most of the coolest videos ever made, and recording the best-selling album of all time (which was the first music I ever paid money for). He was more interesting as a virtual recluse in the years past his prime than most "celebrities" are at their peak. That fucker was entertaining.
Whether you loved him or hated him, you
will miss loving him or hating him.
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