I'm tired of being human

I'm tired of being human.  There's too much maintenance involved in cutting my hair, brushing dandruff out of my hair, shaving/trimming my beard, plucking stray hairs, and cutting all the other hair not on my head.

And I'm tired of cutting other things as well like cutting my finger nails and cutting my toe nails and cleaning out all the junk that accumulates underneath them if I don't keep them short enough.

And I'm tired of eating all the things I have to eat between the occasional meals at sushi restaurants.

And I'm tired of having to go to the bathroom and I'm tired of blowing my nose and I'm tired of cleaning gunk out of my eyes first thing in the morning or when I stay up late at night.

And I'm tired of still needing to bathe even when I haven't done anything to get dirty.  I'm tired of my body making dirt and sweat and grime that I have to shower off.  I'm tired of cleaning wax out of my ears when I never put the candle in it in the first place.  And I'm tired of cleaning the sock lint out from between my toes when I thought the point of the socks was to keep dirt from getting between my toes.

And I'm tired of brushing my teeth teeth and not being able to get between them so I have to floss them and that not being good enough to keep plaque from building up, so I have to douse everything with mouthwash that scalds my mouth and even my lungs the first time I inhale after I spit it out.

And I'm tired of all the interruptions.  Like I'm tired of sneezing when there's nothing up my nose to blow out.  And I'm tired of burping after I eat when I didn't eat any air with my meal, and then farting when I think the burping should done its goddamned job of having gotten all the air up before things got that far along.  And I'm tired of getting the hiccups.  Especially since I don't even know what the fuck they're for.

Yes, you don't even have to say it.  I'm glad I'm not a woman.

All these things end up taking too much of the time I could better spend collecting material for my best-selling autobiography.

Copyright 2006 Alexplorer.

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