I (h)ate difficult food!

II hate food that is difficult.  Difficult to eat.  Difficult to digest.  I don't want any of it.

Food that is spicy.  That includes all Mexican food, as well as nearly everything Indian, lots of Asian, plus occasional Italian dishes.  Oh, and everything in Louisiana.  Why, food?  Why must you hurt my tongue?!

Food that give me gas.  Again we're talking about Mexican food.

Food that cuts my gums.  Some foods always end up injuring me.  I end up tasting blood every time I try to get the best of potato chips, Doritos, or tacos.  But it's easy to avoid tacos for a couple other reasons (see above).

Food that won't stay on my fork/spoon.  You can't stack a mouthful of some foods on a normal utensil.  It's as unsatisfying as Asian cock to most American girls.  I feel like I should eat cereal with an ice cream scoop.

Food that makes me work harder than what I get out of it.  If I have to spend more time tearing into it than I get to spend chewing it, then it isn't for me.  Crabs and crawfish aren't worth my time.  Most nuts aren't either.  Why can't everything be a banana, only taste better than one?

Food that crumbles before I can eat it.  Goddamnit, tacos!  You look like vaginas, but you're really a bunch of assholes!  Pizza too.  Everything slides off!

Food that gets stuck in my teeth.  Who packs a spool of dental floss in case they need an after-lunch chaser?  I can't stand corn on the cob because I'll end up French kissing the back of my teeth for the rest of the day.  Speaking of which...

Food that makes a mess.  Corn on the cob is only half the problem when I go to a BBQ place.  Then there's the ribs.  Again, they're stuck in my teeth, but I also have to go through a roll of napkins and probably ruin a shirt as well.

Food that is cold in the middle.  TV dinners: The potatoes are scalding, but the meat is a block of ice... literally.  Hot Pockets are deceptively named, notoriously so.  The pocket is hot, yes, but what is stored in it is a pepperoni-flavored piece of a glacier.

Food that that induces blisters.  Hot Pockets are the devil.  They manage to go from icy to lava in a matter of seconds.  Take one out the microwave too soon, and it's inedible.  Take it out too late, and enjoy your visit to the ER.

Food that unexpectedly crunchy.  I hate it when I'm chewing something presented as edible, and I suddenly come across something with the density of a black hole.  Cereal with hard bits, soup with unexpected bits of vegetable matter like a seed or stem, or that occasional bit of bone in hamburger meat... tooth-breakers all!

It's a wonder I don't starve.

Copyright 2012 Alexplorer.
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