Don't be catty



I have never been a fan of cats.  I tolerate them, but I do not consider them domestic animals any more than you might view a snake as a "pet" in the same way that you can think of your dog.  To me, a pet is an animal that is genuinely affectionate and responsive to creatures around it.  Cats are reptiles with fur.  Reptiles are at least interesting, but I hate cats for pretending to be mammals.

Maybe it's just that I lack the ability to anthropomorph cats into the entities cat lovers see them as, but when we I had three cats in the house, there was much more fighting.  It wasn't between my partner and me over my views on these animals; it was between the three clawed and hissing creatures that never got along who would routinely decide to tear into one another under the bed at 4am.  We eventually gave away one of them, then another died (Not by my hand, believe it or not).  Now we are down to one cat, and despite the presence of two litter boxes available exclusively for his use, he instead urinates on the walls and carpet.  And yet people tell me they prefer cats because they're "clean."  Say again?

How am I supposed to break the little shit of this?  Has anyone noticed that there are no training devices for cats?  Two possible conclusions: 1) Cats are so smart that they don't need training OR 2) Cats are untrainable.  Given what they routinely do to curtains, the answer is obvious.

When I get home, my dogs are happy to see me.  Cats pretend not to even see people.  I'll take over-eager and friendly any day over rude and distant.  I mean, I realize some animals are just not going to "get it" that they're only alive because their owner provides for them, but cats just carry this to the extreme that I can only read as contempt.  I couldn't put up with anything that resentful or conspicuously manipulative.  Maybe dogs are morons for being so easily amused and obsequious, but at least they are totally honest.

For example, I know dogs lack modesty when it comes to public displays of affection.  This is true even regarding when and where they'll screw one another.  But at least they don't scream and draw attention to themselves.  I mean, I think alternative relationships and a little S&M is great, but not when it's coupled with exhibitionism to an unsuspecting public.  You want to fuck in my alley way?  Fine.  Then enjoy this complimentary cocktail of antifreeze afterwards, you obnoxious fucks.

With the possible exception of a girl I dated in college, I cannot think of a more emotionally volatile or anti-social creature than my partner's parents' cat Buster who alternately plays with the nephews then rips their flesh without warning or provocation (unless standing within striking distance is grounds for justification; If you happen to be a Libertarian, then I apologize because perhaps I'm operating from a different standard).  Please don't tell me you have a nice cat.  As far as I can tell, all cats are psychotic, and you're just lucky enough to have found one too lazy to express it.

Outdoor cats are not only even further removed from my conception of a pet, they're a nuisance by any objective measure.  If this were a debate grounded in the merits of evidence rather than emotional appeals of the average cat lover, I would supply statistics for the average number of wildlife killed annually by each cat allowed to run free.  There is a reason South Dakota and Minnesota allow feral cats to be shot on sight.  You could argue this point with me, but it would seem you and your bleeding heart and short-sighted sentimentality have bigger fish to fry than convincing little old me, given that there are a lot more people you could petition on this matter who actually own firearms.  Until such time as cats can literally kill with the stare they turn on most living things, just keep the little shits indoors.  Or better yet, in a burlap sack with a brick.  I'll drop them off in the river if you like.


Copyright 2007 Alexplorer.
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