I need to go biking with Dani
like a fish needs a bicycle.
See, riding bikes with Dani is a nightmare.
Assuming I can even get her motivated to get on a bike and ride somewhere,
she makes me regret it right from the start.
We might occasionally break some traffic
laws while on our bikes, but EVERY TIME we go out, we break the laws of
physics. Don't ask me how, but we both have working bikes, but once
I get ahead of Dani, I can stop pedaling. She can be pedaling away,
and it will be A FUCKING MILE before she catches up with me in spite of
the fact that I have not added a single Joule of energy to this system.
Or maybe I'm propelling myself forward by screaming behind me, "What the
fuck is going on? How can I be going faster than you without fucking
pedaling?" I'm not making this up.
One of the reasons why Dani (supposedly)
can't keep up (other than breaking laws of physics) is that she refuses
to pedal standing up. Why? No fucking clue. She claims
she can. When I finally pressed her to do this, she actually did
it for the first time since I've known her. Then she almost ran the
bike off the road and fell off of it onto the curb. She has revised
her position to now say that she knows how but she feels unsteady.
No. If you try and you fuck it up, it doesn't say you know how.
It says exactly the opposite.
On top of everything else, Dani won't use
her gears. Ever. Not going up a hill. Not going down
a hill. Not going here or there. She will not use her gears
Worse yet, if we're going down a hill and
have the opportunity to get up enough speed to get up the hill ahead in
the distance, she won't gun it. Coming out of downtown one afternoon,
I'm racing down the hill leading to the underpass so we can get out of
traffic (there is no sidewalk to speak of along here). We can only
get up to speed if we're tearing up the road. Does Dani? Nope.
She ends up approaching the hill at a leisurely pace and, since she WON'T
FUCKING USE HER FUCKING GEARS, she can't pedal up the hill. So she
ends up walking the bike up the hill. In traffic.
Moving cars aren't the only problem.
We also have to contend with parked ones. For example, let's stay
we're riding down the street and I'm off to the side approaching a parked
car. Dani needs to move over to give me space to get around said
car. She doesn't unless she's asked. One day when I feel like
disfiguring myself, I'm going to do a little experiment and see if she'll
think to give me room to pass or if she'll just let me ride straight on
into the obstacle.
Even when it's all over, she still torments
me with her bike. When we get home from riding, Dani parks her bike
so that it blocks mine. Somehow she thinks this is her spot, and
it's perfectly okay to block the bike that gets used three to five times
as often as hers in any given week.
A few weeks back we're riding over to some
friends' place, and on the way over there her tire pops, then she falls
down. That's the way she tells the story. Reads like cause
and effect, right? Reality: Nothing like this. Her tire blows
out, so she stops, but she doesn't get off the bike. She sits there
on it and eventually it falls over. She admits later that it was
a retarded thing to do to sit on a non-moving bike with a flat tire until
it finally fell over several seconds later, but the way she presents the
story I'm an asshole who got mad at her for toppling over as a result of
her tire blowing out. God fucking dammit. She acknowledged
it wasn't fair and agreed not to cherry-pick only the rottenest of details
and present the most one-sided story aired outside of Fox News, but for
a long time I didn't bother fixing the flat on the bike because every time
I thought about it, I wanted to drag the fucking bike out in the middle
of the street and mother fucking drive over the mother fucker.