The Dead Milkmen - Metaphysical Graffiti

I looked up all the lyrics to "Metaphysical Graffiti" the other day and listened to the album all the way through.  It's an amazing record.  I always describe it as an audio version of Mad magazine.  It's not like they did Weird Al parodies, but every piece has a satirical edge, and then there's all these extra bits that are like Sergio Aragones' marginals at the edge of the features.


In fact, the track listing isn't even a full table of contents.  There's 14 tracks, but actually, there's:
I have no idea where that album came from, but the whole goddamned thing is genius.  Here are the complete lyrics, but have yourself a listen too:


01 - Beige Sunshine

Cheese is the one thing that's indestructible
How much is your Blue Cross deductible?
Open your eyes to a wicked surprise
You'll lose your mind if you just step inside
They say even Bambi was corruptible
The flu's coming, yes are you susceptible?
If only traces of lead were detectable
Open your brain to a new kind of pain
Just step inside and we'll all go insane
Please put your thoughts inside a receptacle

You are not one of us
Your pipes are leaking
You are an ocelot
What are you seeking?

Baboons, they say, are quite understanding
Ships without rudders aren't worth commanding
Open your skull to a world that is dull
You'll find it all when you shop at the mall
People like you are not worth reprimanding

[Music changes here.  Children exit; full band comes in.  I consider it a separate song entirely.]

I think you need some help
I think that you're way off course
Maybe you need a little breather
You should get down off that horse

Look up into the sky
Try to catch your racing thoughts
Before they burn up in the sun
Take a walk
Sit in your rocking chair and breathe...
Just breathe
And breathe
Just breathe
Welcome to your head
Trippin' on Wonder Bread
Welcome to your head!

[Guitar solo]

Peer into the endless void
And see the endless light
Realize there is no time
There is only light

Feel the heat of the moment
Feel the heat of the now
Feel the heat of the beige sunshine
In the back of your mind, and breathe...
Just breathe
And breathe
Let's breathe

02 - Do the Brown Nose

Good evening ladies and gentlemen
And welcome to P.J.'s Astrological Love Lounge
We are Lester Shy and the Shyphonics
My name is Lester Shy and these fine gentlemen all around me
Well they're the Shyphonics
And we hail proudly from Fargo, North Dakota
Now, way down south in Fargo, whenever we needs a little somethin' extra
We like to do a little thing we call the brown nose
And we'd like all you fine ladies and gentlemen here tonight
To help us out in doin' the brown nose
So remember: when I shout "What you gonna do?"
You're gonna shouts back "Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose"
Think you can handle that? ([crowd:] ya!)
I'm pretty sure you can; let's give it a try

What you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, you should all be round up and shot
That was terrible ([crowd:] moans)
What you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
Yes! Yes! That's so much better
You have my permission to go out and reproduce (crowd: light cheering)
You're lovely human beings
So now we're gonna do a little brown nosin' for ya
Are you excited? ([crowd:] cheering)
Are you ready?
Okay then, here we go!

When you want that job, I say now what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
There's rich uncle Bob, I say now what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
You get stopped by the man, I say now what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
Record company wants to sign your band, I say now what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)

Mercy!
??? myself 300 times

Alllllright!
Now I know many of you fine ladies and gentlemen
Have begun to ask yourself
Ooh, but Lester Shy and the Shyphonics
How do we do this wild new thing you call the brown nose?
Well take a second, prepare yourself mentally and physically
We'll show you how to brown nose

Bend your (bend yo') knees (oooooh La La La...)
Now move your head like this (oooooh La La La...)
Pucker dem lips (oooooh La La La...)
Give dat butt a kiss (ooh...)
Kiss my

Askin' for some green, I say now what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
Boss is really mean, I say now what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
Wanna impress your a' girlfriend's father, I say what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)
Owe some money a' to your brother, I say what you gonna do?
(Do the brown nose. Do the brown nose)

You! Yes you! Here's a dime; run out and call the PMRC (Ok)

Do the brown nose!

[Guitar solo (with vocal ad libs)]

I wanna see every last one of you brown nosin'
Even you, tuna lips

Alright! If you can dig it I wanna hear you shout
Erlenmeyer Flask
(Erlenmeyer Flask)

Alright, I know you loved it the first time
You gonna love it even more the second time
As once more, we prepare to get down
And do some serious big-time brown nosin'

Bend your (bend yo') knees (oooooh La La La...)
Move your head like this (oooooh La La La...)
Pucker dem lips (oooooh La La La...)
Give dat butt a kiss (ooh...)
Kiss my... (Yay!)

03 - Methodist Coloring Book

Dean: Hey there's a big airplane goin' by.
Rodney: Get it! Go! Go!
Some Recording Guy: It's on the track
Rodney: Leave it! Get it on the track!
Joe: Get it! Get it! Catch it!
Dean: I got it :)

You've got a methodist coloring book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to Hell
'Cause God hates war
And God hates crime
A' but he really hates people
Who color outside the lines

You've got a methodist coloring book
Don't color outside the lines
'Cause if God doesn't strike you with lightning
He'll at least make you go blind

Good people get sent to the attic
Bad people will roast in the cellar
But there's a special kind a' Hell
For those who just won't learn to color

God is gracious, God is good
So let's color in his book
God wears cotton, God wears rayon
He can mend a broken crayon
God is honest, He don't take payola
Let's all thank him for our Crayolas!

You got a methodist coloring book! (x3)
(ah..oh..oh) (x2)
You got a methodist coloring book! (x3)
(oh..oh..oh.. [a very emotional performance])

You've got a methodist coloring book
And you color really well
But don't color out side the lines
Or God will send you to Hell

04 - Part 3

[untitled]

Now, you talk about that Bohagus boy. You know him, Billy Bohagus? They found him last week out behind the barn [dramatic pause] with his math teacher, his Scout leader, and the local minister, and that boy had the nerve to say it was part of a biology project. We killed him; had no other choice.

Part 3

I saw you naked, you were chasin' a pig
So I led the police to your house and showed 'em where to dig
You thought you could live in peace
But I saw you naked and I called the police

I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did
I saw you naked and you know it made me sick

I saw you naked, you were campin' with scouts
I know they earned some merit badges when the lights went out
How could you touch those children?
I saw you naked, you were holdin' a trout

I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did
I saw you naked and you know it made me sick

[Spoken over guitar solo]
Don't you kids try this solo at home
That man is a trained professional

I saw you naked, you were up in a tree
Were you gonna jump on the paper boy? I hadda wait and see
Were you afraid of squirrels? Poison Ivy?
I saw you naked, you were singin' "Born Free"
"Born Free"

I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did
I saw you naked and you know it made me sick

05 - I Tripped Over the Ottoman

They call me Robert Petrie and I live in New Rochelle
With my wife Laura and son Ritchie
But now my life's a living hell cause...

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind

I was head writer for Alan Brady
Maybe you've seen his show
It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed
This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas
This week's guest star is Death!

All day long I crank out one-liners
With Buddy, Sal, and Mel
Once I laughed at Buddy's jokes
But now my life's a living hell cause...

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind

Morey Amsterdam can make a sane man crazy
Morey Amsterdam could make a nice guy kill
(x2) and...

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind

[Free time, both vocals and band.]
Come here Laura; come to me
I've been up all night listening to Ice-T albums
Now it's time for you to get yours
Hello Mel! This is my friend, Mr. Chain Saw!
Hello Buddy! It's time you die, like the pig you are
In the gutter, gasping for air
This is a hand grenade, Sal
A hand grenade!
Ya know what a hand grenade does?
It EXPLODES!

[New tempo.  New song maybe?  Who knows?]
What did you bring me daddy? (x3)
Well, I brought you death!

Joe: All right!

06 - The Big Sleazy

Take it, boys.

Yeah, my sister's really movin' up in the world. She dates a full-blown professor! Goes by the name of Professor Griff. He's a great guy; he's a good ol' boy, that wild ol' Professor Griff. I think he's a history professor. The other day, he told me the wildest story about the history of jewellery.

Anyway, come nightfall, we all love to sit on the porch, an' Sis plays the banjo, I play the jug, an' Professor Griff breaks out his Jew's harp and just flails away. God, I love that guy!

[Untitled]

Well, it's a long way to Anchorage
But that's where I'll go with you
And we'll travel so far, dear
To escape that morning zoo

Cause I hate MMR and I hate YSP
I do not like the Grateful Dead
So, just don't talk to me
I said I hate MMR and I hate YSP
And you know that classic rock
Does not interest me

People are getting angry
Maybe just they should
Cause some of us can still remember,
Back when XPN was good

And I hate what they've done, to XPN
Bunch a' folk nazis ruined my favourite station
Said I hate what they've done, to XPN
If you hear it now, it's just a pale imitation

Well it's brunch with The Beatles
And a tribute to Billy Joel
Four hours of Doobie Brothers
And they call that radio

It's a long way to Anchorage
But that's where I'll go with you
And we'll travel so far, dear
To escape that morning zoo

Cause I hate MMR, I can't stand YSP
I do not like the Grateful Dead
You'd better stay away from me
I said I loathe MMR, and I despise YSP
Well friends there ain't no radio,
Here in our city

[Radio dialog.]
DJ: OK, we've got a call on the request line and who am I speaking to?
Caller: My name's Will Junior.
DJ: And what do you do Will Junior?
Caller: Well, I unclog the toilets at the head shhop ???
DJ: And what can I play for ya?
Caller: Well, how about a block a' the Blahs dudee?
DJ: Sorry, just played a block of the Blahs ffor the guys at the sandal store
Caller: Aw, man, well, how about a block a' Fleettwood Mac?
DJ: Oh, just played a block of Fleetwood Mac for the guys at the granola factory.
Caller: Oh man...
DJ: But I'll tell ya what, How 'bout if I sennd you a $20,000 gift certificate from Bob and Jerry's world of wicker?
Caller: Hey that's wicker! Dude, thanks a lot!

07 - If You Love Someone, Set Them on Fire

[Sound of match striking]

Know that it would be untrue
Know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
I didn't set your house on fire

But it's just the way I am
Have to take it for a fact
Life can really burn you up
When you're a pyromaniac, so...

If you love somebody
Better set them on fire

I went to your house last night
Dad called me the human torch
Got a little pissed at him
So I burned down your front porch

Now I feel a little better
About throwin' gas on your dad
But you know it's hard to quit
And besides he started it
I just bought a brand new lighter
And I just can't wait to use it
With a can a' kerosene it's lots a' fun
You can't refuse it

Oily rags are special things
You know to me they're diamond rings
Maybe we can have some fun
Maybe we can burn someone, so...

If you love somebody
Better set them on fire

Know that it would be untrue
Know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
I didn't set your dad on fire

If you love somebody
Better set them on fire

If you love somebody
Why not set them on fire?

[Keyboard solo.]

If you love somebody
Better set them on fire

If you love somebody
Why not set them on fire?

[Flames.]

08 - Dollar Signs in Her Eyes

She's tripping over the flowers in her garden
The weeds are growin' high
She dropped her laundry off at school
And hung her children on her clothesline to dry

She's throwing trash in her swimmin' pool
She's pouring chlorine on her lawn
You might think she needs a pair of glasses
But, no, my friend you're wrong

She cannot see the beauty in a tree
Or in the life that it supplies
This should not strike you as a mystery
For she has dollar signs in her eyes
She has dollar signs in her eyes (x2)
Dollar signs in her eyes

She's crashin' her car in an intersection
She did not see the light
She's walkin' round and round in a shoppin' mall
As if she had no sight

Dreams are only clouds
That form and dissipate
The sky is a highway for metal birds
And land is real estate

She does not understand her world depends
Upon a history of lies
She walks right by all her old high school friends
For she has dollar signs in her eyes
She has dollar signs in her eyes (x2)
Dollar signs in her eyes

[Guitar until coda.]

09 - In Praise of Sha Na Na

Sha Na Na

Sha Na Na Na
Sha Na Na Na Na
Sha Na Na (x2)
Sha Na Na Na Na

Sha-Na-Na were the kings of Woodstock
You know it's true deep in your heart
Greasy guys in gold lame
If only Hendrix had been so smart
Pete Townshend wouldn't be so deaf
If he followed Sha-Na-Na's advice
And played fifties do-wop songs that
Even your mom would think are nice

Keith and Janis went away
But Sha-Na-Na is here to stay
I don't care 'bout Joan Baez
Sha-Na-Na can wear my fez
(at least it rhymes)

Sha Na Na
Sha Na Na Na
Sha Na Na Na Na
Sha Na Na (x2)
Sha Na Na Na Na

Sha-Na-Na were the kings of the sixties
Deep in your heart you know it's true
All those kids at Berkeley dressed like Bowser
They didn't like the Stones or the Who
Sha-Na-Na didn't need flower power
They didn't drive a yellow submarine
Yet they were the guys who called the shots
Sha-Na-Na really made the scene

Keith and Janis went away (so long)
But Sha-Na-Na is here to stay
I don't care 'bout Joan Baez
Sha-Na-Na can wear my fez
(Once again it rhymes)

Sha Na Na
Sha Na Na Na
Sha Na Na Na Na
Sha Na Na (x2)
Sha Na Na Na Na

Sha-Na-Na... shot Kennedy
Sha-Na-Na... stabbed that guy at Altamont
Sha-Na-Na... started the Peace Corps
Sha-Na-Na... were the first astronauts
Sha-Na-Na... joined the Black Panthers
Sha-Na-Na... led student sit-ins
Sha-Na-Na... grew organic food
Sha-Na-Na... just never fit in

You can move to Montana and listen to Santana
But you still won't be as cool as Sha-Na-Na

Sha Na Na
Sha Na Na Na
Sha Na Na Na Na
Sha Na Na (x2)
Sha Na Na Na Na (x2)
Sha Na Na Na Na (x2)

10 - Epic Tales of Adventure

[On the radio] Should people with leprosy and a past history of psychosis be allowed to teach our children?  Your calls, after this.

There's an old lady who washes her clothes
In the same laundromat as me
She told me of her son
And some shoes that hurt his feet
Mean little nails rose up in a bunch
And plunged into his soles
Filling dirty socks
With tiny bloody holes

It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world
It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world
Shoes and it's feet and the end of the world
It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world

There's an old man who said that he came
From the same town as my dad
He told me of his house
And why it smelled so bad
Small furry creatures had crawled in the spaces
In between the walls
They died and they decayed
Well I guess that's really all

It's small furry creatures and the end of the world
It's small furry creatures and the end of the world
Small furry creatures and the end of the world
It's small furry creatures and the end of the world

There is a man who told me a story about a conspiracy
He told me how it started
And what it meant to me
Doctors and lawyers and bankers and priests are
Controlled by U.F.O.s (x2)

It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world
Bankers and priests and the end of the world
It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world (x2)
It's bankers and priests and the end of the world
It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the...

There's an old lady who washes her clothes
In the same laundromat as me
She told me of her son and some SHOES!

11 - I Hate You, I Love You

[Random dialog before song starts.]

What am I gonna do
When I get close to you?
Wanna hold you next to me
But you bring me misery

I hate you, but I love you (x2)
Let's go to see a show
Which one well I don't know
Will you make up your mind
Or are you gonna waste my time

[Guitar solo.]

I hate you, but I love you (x4)

Look back to the time we met
Were things better I forget
You acted different then
I thought you were a friend

I hate you, but I love you (x5)
I hate you, I love you (x2)
Yes, I do

12 - Now Everybody's Me

[Random guitar strumming.]
[Rodney:] Joe, shut up!

Everybody hates Edie Brickell
All my favourite shows are on TV
All the restaurants serve my favourite food
'Cause now everybody's me

Now my apartment's really crowded
'Cause I live there and I'm everybody
And everybody's sleeping with my girl
But, hey, everybody's me

Now everybody's me [x4]

Everybody's watching Married with Children
Everybody's into bestiality
The stores stopped selling Amstel light
'Cause now everybody's me

Everybody loves Charles Manson
Everybody wants to set him free
And everybody's on the parole board
'Cause now everybody's me

Now everybody's me [x4]

I had to put an end to war
Didn't make much sense to shoot at myself
No more Christians, Jews, Muslims or Amway salesmen
Just a whole planet of TV addicts

Everybody's got hairy feet
Everybody follows my philosophy
Everybody's got a nephew named Jeff
'Cause now everybody's me

They had to lower all the basketball nets
'Cause everybody's only 5 foot 3
And everybody likes to dress like a monkey
'Cause now everybody's me

Now everybody's me [x4]

Now everybody's into what I do
Steve Albini, John? and Frank Sinatra sound exactly like me
I even set up a duo with Julio Iglesias
It was called Me and Julio Down By the Crackhouse
'Cause even Julio Iglesias is me
I have the number one album
I have all the albums
'Cause now everybody's me!

[Untitled]

Now, I understand that some of you don't know Sarah Jane, so I'll tell you a little bit about her.  She's a lesbian Eskimo midget albino.  She went to college and she started the Lesbian midget Eskimo Albino Student Union, and four hundred people signed up.  There they were, hundreds of 'em, lesbian midget left-handed Eskimo albinos.  Did I mention the fact that she's left-handed? She's left-handed, alright.

Girl's got some strange hobbies. One of her hobbies is lowering children into open manholes, which is kinda difficult 'cause a lot of the children are taller than her, her being a midget and everything... or her being a left-handed midget... or her being a left-handed lesbian midget... or her being a left-handed lesbian albino midget... or her being a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo... life can be really difficult on that young lady.

She bit me once, you know.  Right here, ya see this?  Left a mark.  She was lowerin' a friend of mine's kid into the sewer, I run up, and tried to stop her.  I said, "Listen there, you lesbian midget left-handed albino! And you stop right there!"  Then she bit me.  I'm afraid I'm gonna... I'm gonna turn into a lesbian left-handed midget albino when the moon is full.

Oh my God, the moon is full tonight!  I can feel myself shrinking!  I can feel myself getting left-handed!  I can feel myself getting the urge to build an igloo!  I can feel my skin turning white and my eyes getting red!  I can feel... I can feel the urge... to buy a Suzanne Vega album!!

NOOO! NNNNNOOOO!!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm okay; it was just gas.

13 - Little Man in My Head

There's a little man in my head

And he's drunk all of the time
He sits there on a bench
Holdin' a monkey wrench
Sometimes he beats it against my mind

There's a little man in my head
And I don't think he likes it there
I do bad things but it's his fault
And he knows he can't get caught
That little man, he just don't play fair

There's a little man in my head
And he must have lived in someone's head before
'Cause I was born in '63
And he's only been there since '74

There's a little man in my head
And I don't think he understands me
We've got no common ground
On which to work around
He gets so bored when I watch TV

There's a little man in my head
And I don't think that he'll ever die
When he takes control
He really takes his toll
It's enough to make a grown man cry

There's a little man in my head
And I wish he'd find another home
There's a little man in my head
And now I'll never be alone

Richard Speck has got a little man in his head
Louis Farrakhan has got a little man in his head
Frank Rizzo has got a little man in his head
Squeaky Fromm has got a little man in her head
Jim Jones had a little man in his head
Richard Ramirez has got a little man in his head
Ted Bundy had a little man in his head
Dan Quayle's got a little man in his head
And I don't know...
How 'bout you?
Maybe you've got a man in your head too

[Almost indecipherable gibberish during guitar solo.]

Stayed up real late
And watched the Charles Bronson film festival

There's a little man in my head
And he must have lived in someone's head before
'Cause I was born in '63
And he's only been there since '74

14 - Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes and How

[Two-minute-long instrumental intro.]

We've got to get together
Now we've got to save the snails
Let's board the purple space ships
Before they set sail
I want a Yes reunion
And you know I want it now
No Anderson, Walkman,
Buttholesurfers and How!

Listening to the opera
And smokin' angels' dust
You can't get much more
Fuckin' progressive than us

Yeah, baby, I want to tell you something about love
Talk to me!

[Minute-long instrumental outro.]

15 - Cousin Earl [Hidden Track]

Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm.  Earl don't like it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm farm.  A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots in the state.  Three feet long. Of course, now Earl believes this might be due to the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their waste on his property.  Interesting thing about three-foot maggots is that... that, well, one day the china disappeared, and then the next day his television disappeared, and then a few days after that, his '57 Chevy disappeared.  But there they are: the world's biggest maggots.

Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor, and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over it?" and he gives me a look that still chills me to this day.

Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy, ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5,000 worth of "976-" phone bills.  He called weird, unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" with two G's, and "976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know.  He's a sick boy.  Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him.  So I went into his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?"  And he gave me a look that still chills me to this day.

Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue.  And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a... a big pile of fungus.  Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumpin' on his maggot farm.  And, I never had much contact with Essie... Effie-Sue.  Excuse me, I don't even think that much of her to get her name right.  I never had much contact with her.  She just normally just sits on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just... boils away.  Well, one day, she looked at me, and that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what I guess was its mouth - I'd hate to think what else it could be), and out of that orifice floated the words, "Didja ever go to make a... a pork sausage and find it's got hair all over it?", and then that... that little pile of fungus gave me a look that chills me to this day.

Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her... Wife.  We don't know her name, because she's never really said that much.  For the longest time, we thought she could only say two words, which were "dog" and "pussy".  We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but then we found out that what she was really trying to say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst Baptists.  We never heard her say anything other than that.  You know, she works down at... down at St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although she only does say those... well that one word.  And we have heard her say another thing once, but that was a long time ago.  We were sittin' around the house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me a look that chills me to this day.

Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin' down in Miller's Creek.  He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl Junior, who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard numbers; and he took that little... that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with him.  They all got in a little boat and they started fishing.  Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek.  All sorts of heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with little things on them that say "St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery."  Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass.  Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to eat!"  So he took out his knife to cut it open.  But that fish looked up at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!"  And Earl said, "But I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!  I work on a maggot farm!  My wife can only say 'dog-pussy'!  My daughter is a pile of fungus!  My son spent all his college money calling '976-' numbers!  I have to eat you!"  And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me, mister, please!"  And he said, "I have to! I have to!"  So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're gonna cut me open, let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find it's got hairs growin' all over it?"  And then, all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-pussy", and they stared back at his weird "976-" animal-calling son, and they stared back at that... little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter.  And they gave them a look!  All twenty-seven eyes gave them a look!  A look that they will not forget until this very day!

Spoken: Aww, man




Copyright 2012 Alexplorer

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