And Justice For All...
Fiction, sadly.



A judge ruled in favor of Alexplorer on Friday afternoon on his argument that the popular video game "Guitar Hero"> must change its name to "Keytar Jerkoff" and anyone using the words "Guitar" or "Hero" in reference to the game should be hanged by their genitals from a high E string.

The victory came as a blow to the video game industry that exploits millions of music geeks too lazy to learn to play real instruments, but legal experts say the case here was among the most solid they have ever observed.

Specifically, they cited the irrefutable evidence that the game controller was in fact not a guitar at all.  Having no strings or pickups, just some buttons, the cheap-ass, Fisher Price-looking pretend guitar was in fact more of a keytar.  Several expert witnesses from crap '80s band Devo corroborated the council's position on this matter.

Further, the game implicated itself on charges players were not "heroes" but rather "posers" or, more precisely, "jerkoffs."  For example, extra points are awarded for holding the keytar in self-aggrandizing gestures that would not only never engender adulation let alone hero-worship, but would instead be more likely to induce anyone in the vicinity to kick an individual adopting such a pose in the crotch.

Of course, the case was grounded in more than epistemological concerns for the lead plaintiff.  Clearly venting, Alexplorer had this to say: "I spent years trying to learn to play the solo to 'Stairway,' and these Playstation addicts sit around and if they get better than 80%, they're all like, 'Hey, I'm a rock star!  Check me out!'  That's fuckin' bullshit, man."


Copyright 2007 Heavy MetAlex.

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