DVD or not DVD?
I'm thinking of sending the following letter to every major movie studio.  What do you think?

To whom it may concern,

I have been a little annoyed lately with the "artistic" quirks your DVD engineers have been inserting into your product, and I wondered if I could pass on the following suggestions to you and your employees.

As soon as I insert the DVD into the player, the menu should come up *immediately*.  That means NO fucking 15 second long splash of the fucking studio's fucking self-aggrandizement.  I don't fucking care.  I paid for the *movie.*  *You* can pay for your own fucking commercials.  But *not* on my time.

When I say I want the menu to come up immediately, I mean that I don't want to have to fucking wait for the options.  The options are what constitute the menu.  If I have to wait for them, you have not met my requirement, you stupid fucks!

And let's place all the fucking FBI Warnings, movie ratings, and everything else NO ONE fucking reads on ONE track, and then give me the fucking option to fucking skip it!

When I hit Play, the movie should begin.  No more fucking animations.  Jesus Fucking Christ already!!!  Do you get it already?  Are you a bunch of fucking morons?

In all of the above, I do NOT want to see ANY fucking cut scenes from the movie, not even a still!  The movie poster or headshots of the principle actors are fine, but I want to be surprised by what happens in the movie.  These obnoxious fucking frames in the menus that give away half the plot are exactly like that fucking friend you won't let come to the movies with you.  You are ruining the movie, you fucking losers!

I have the RIGHT to Fast Forward through any fucking thing I want.  If you disable this function, I will cut off your fucking legs!  I don't think you understand the concept of an eternity of misery.

No, wait... here's my proposal to you.  I'll select a dvd at random and give you the remote.  Then I'm going to continue to pound your fucking face with my fists until you can get the movie started.  I think that might get the point across.  Deal?  I'll be over soon.   Very, very soon.

Ted Kaczynski's friendly cousin.


Copyright 2005 Ale[x]plicative.
Back to the index