Joey's Xmas Wishes

The following was my college room Joey's farcical xmas list.  He wrote roughly 90% of this in one sitting, then printed it out and covered our dorm room door with it.  People would come up from the lower floors to read it all the time as word spread.  You could hear them giggling outside the door as they came across funny bits.

This was written in in late '93, so my comments are inserted in order to clarify some of these items where the references are "inside jokes" or are otherwise obscured by the passage of time.  On other items, I'm just as confused as anyone else reading this.



My Christmas List
1.  Madonna, wearing little more than a garter around her thigh and a revealing negligee.

2.  A sports car, of any kind.  Fueled up and ready to go, preferably.

3.  A dog named Durt. [Editor: This is too long a story to tell here, and it requires an impression of sorts, so I would have to tell you on the phone some time.  Remind me.]

4.  My own thermostat control for this damned dorm.

5.  A four legged sewer rat, with a red bow. [The UrbExers (i.e., Joey and I along with a few others) referred to ourselves ostentatiously as either "the sewer rats" or, more commonly, as "tunnel rats."]

6.  Somebody to Love.. .. .. ..or at least, somebody good in bed, you know, to rub my feet. [George Michael's cover/reprise of this song was a hit on the radio around this time.]

7.  Candy, sugar, anything made with words at least more than eightletters long.  [Sometimes Joey could type faster than his brain could form intelligible grammar.]

8.  The mystery of Stone Henge to be finally told:  It was really the original set for Jurassic Park, before the dinosaurs got a hold of it.

9.  Somebody to tell Rush Limbaugh to get a life, one not sold at a thrift shop.

10. The bottle Madonna simulated fellatio with on "Truth or Dare." [Joey loved Madonna.  There are probably several other references to her in this list.]

11. Bone disinfectant-don't ask.

12. Sex.

13. Drums.

14. Rock and Roll. [The preceeding three allude to a line from Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell II," which had just come out, and Joey was into him... mainly because of the chick singing on a few tracks.]

15. A very big stick, so that I could hit the people I just really don't like-that means you, Rob. [Rob was my former roommate before Joey and, thus, his sworn enemy.  Expect more Rob references below.]

16. Heart-shaped box of chocolates-they have every other holiday confused, get me the box!

17. An Easter bunny-see explanation in latter part of #16.

18. Hand cuffs-because I heard so many good things about them. [We had discovered that Wal-mart sold a really good pair for ~$5 around this time, and bought a pair for our lesbian neighbor a couple doors down for whom I was the "Secret Santa" at the dorm party that year.]

19. An ample supply of dog food to last me through next semester- hey, it beats the cafeteria!

20. A master key to every building on campus-then we could really cause some trouble. [We had discovered ways of getting into several buildings via external access to their basements.]

21. Hip boots for the long nights and short moments of spelunking.

22. Hiking gear for the tedious task of climbing roofs, you know how it is Santa. [I think I mentioned that we had climbed on top of the math building.  We also found a way to the top of the Student Union once as well, when they were working on it.]

23. A horse, a saddle, a cowboy, and a bridge to jump them off of- now that's entertainment!

24. A southern drawl to English translator.

25. For everyone who thinks Santa is a man to be enlightened-he's a transvestite, I know, I saw shim on Bourbon Street.

26. Drunk drivers to all suffocate themselves in cars with a bottle of Tequila.

27. The alien from the movie Alien-just because it had good table manners.

28. For someone to finally touch my monkey.  [Recall Dita from SNL.]

29. For prejudiced "people" all across the globe to wake up and smell the juju beans.  [This was a favorite expression of his around this time.  I'm not sure if it's original to him or not.]

30. To know the meaning of life; and if not that, to know why it is when it is, and just how is it?

31. I want to see Fara [last name deleted] go crazy, just once.  [Fara was our Baptist next door neighbor.  She was actually kind of fun around us, probably because Joey was so far out there that anything you did was pretty mild by association, so she acted silly with him.]

32. If life was a bowl of fruit, to know who would be the prunes, the bananas, and to know who would have the ripest melons.

33. Sexual healing.

34. A copy of the "One and One" song-you don't know it?  I'll sing it, just ask.  [I think this was by 2LiveCrew; the melody/riff were originally by the Kinks.]

35. A dinosaur from Jurassic park-a raptor-so it'll eat the people I hate.

36. The princess from the Star Wars trilogy, Princess Lay a, was it?

37. Sugar and Sex, did I already mention those?

38. To know why on the Women's Penitentiary movies they have gorgeous women on the covers, but hardly any in the movie-and why they never get naked?  [This was a series of videos at a nearby video store.  Actually, the women generally spent most of the movie naked, but the packages were totally redone to show nice looking models who never actually appeared in the movies.]

39. To know if all dogs really do go to heaven?

40. Cats, we want cats.  I won't tell you what for, just bring us cats and walk away quickly.  [Joey shared my animosity toward this species.]

41. To touch Michael Jackson's face, was it really made by Mattel?

42. To see God.  I don't see why not, I heard of women hitting orgasm and seeing His face, why not me?

43. What do you mean there's no Santa Clause?

44. For world peace, a piece of the world, and peace and quiet when I'm SLEEPING!  [We lived in a dorm.  You can imagine.]

45. An egg.  If you sit on it long enough, will a chicken come out?

46. A pen that can write up-side down, think of the possibilities!  [I think this predates the Seinfeld episode on this topic.]

47. Rat poison, we have really big rats living in our dorm.  [This may refer to us as tunnel rats, but otherwise I have no idea.]

48. To speak with Janet Jackson about world events and her views of violence in the United States-and then to nail her.

49. To give those who have difficulty turning door knobs a lesson, put hand on knob and turn.  [Again, WTF?]

50. To know why it's so hard to say I love you first, and then mean it.

51. I want to see a Eunuch because I haven't seen one before.

52. A ticket to New York City.

53. To know when I'm going to die, so that I could kiss everybody that I love goodbye.

54. If love is blind, then tell him to stop bumping into walls, I'm getting a head-ache.

55. Cat Woman, I want Cat Woman!

56. Death to those who call us bad names behind our backs-Fork You!

57. Banana split with three mushy scoops, two bananas, bananachunks, covered with whipped cream and nuts and honey and fudge and strawberries and two cherries to top it off(two is always better than one)-don't worry, I can handle it.

58. For Rob to realize, what goes around comes around and if he doesn't watch it, it will come up and bite him on the-ask me no more questions, I'll only tell you lies...

59. Traci, we want Traci.  Give her boyfriend an infectious diseasethat will make warts grow from his ears and nose and lips.  We want Traci.  [Traci was the hot chick across the hall who used to come over occassionally.  She caught Joey masturbating one time when she didn't knock.]

60. To know if George Burns is still alive, is he?  Still?

61. What about the Proclaimers, just what about them?  Did they ever walk their 500 miles?  Maybe they did, and then found a good Scottish pub to just sit and drink, and sit and drink, and sit...

62. Damn it!  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

63. I want someone to show some people in this dorm how to recycle: very easy, just take cans and put them in big bucket with a whole lot of other cans.  If this was written too quickly for you, just go back and re-read, don't worry, I don't think you're stupid.  [The recycling bins were right next to the regular trash cans... to no avail.  And this was the so-called honors dorm.]

64. If Madonna was Breathless, and Prune head looked like a prune, what about Dick Tracy?

65. To know what people think of me.

66. For people to grow up and accept people for who they are; if  they don't like what they see, then for them to go to a hell where they're the different ones and everybody else is so vain they can't even breathe.

67. I want to see a mongoose.

68. I want more Beauty books from Anne Rice.  More sex, more sex, much more sex!

69. Mariah Carey's cds, just to piss off a lot of people in the  dorm.  [Me, for one.]

70. For the campus Police Department to remove the corn cob stuck in their... and to smile.  Those whining, beerguzzling, self-centered, penile erectile tissue, chaw chewing, monkey wanking, preverts from hell need a sense of humor-give them one or I might have to hurt them. [It was a small campus with too many cops and too little for them to do, so they used to annoy us periodically.]

71. A killer shark to bite the nose off of everyone who has an  imperfect nose.  [Reference to my nose job and subsequent fixation with noses.]

72. For Joyce to find a good husband. [This was another dorm person who was dating Rob at the time.  Obviously, the implication was that Rob would not be him.]

73. For Catholicly obnoxious individuals, Santa give them some  guidance into the way of human sexuality and humor.  God knows how those SOBs don't laugh and only drink to excess.

74. A very slow moving turtle so that I can follow it with my eyes and become hypnotized so that I will dream of green martians and candy corn.

75. Bricks to build a wall between me and really ignorant morons  (i.e., Rob).

76. A comb to comb my arm-pit hairs.

77. Woody Allen's glasses.

78. A monk -just to laugh at his chastity.

79. To dive with Jacques Costeau and play with his oysters.

80. For Alex to bear Ella's children and for their names to be Larry, Curly, and Moe.  [Unlike Joyce, Ella only stalked me part-time.]

81. I want my MTV.

82. A pool of whipped cream to see what color it would turn when I peed in it.

83. I want Alex's nose, who doesn't?

84. To live in a big house and have a wife, a dog, and the typical 2.5 children so that I'll never be hungry for barbecued  human flesh.

85. A dictionary so Joyce won't call me stupid no more.  [Joyce thought she was an intellectual.]

86. I want Laurie's love child.  [Laurie was the aforementioned lesbian.]

87. I want Laurie's friends' love children.  [Laurie had a couple really hot girl friends.  I'm not sure who was with whom, but they *were* hot!]

88. I want to send the above mentioned children to the Middle East for a peace offering.  Maybe then they would get along, if only for that short meal.

89. To have people do to me what they did to the guy in the "Numb" video.  [You may recall the belly dancer in the U2 video for this song.  That's actually Edge's wife, btw.]

90. I want it to snow.

91. A VCR for Joyce so that she can watch those damned winter olympics.  [This was another of Joyce's obsessions, particularly figure skating.  She actually had quite a few tapes of skating programs from off tv.]

92. To have the Village People return and do a concert at Chevy's. [This was the one bar in town that occasionally brought in decent bands.]

93. I want Groucho's moustache.

94. A christmas card from the Playboy bunnies, preferably with naked pictures of them on the inside.

95. For the computers to really go out of control and shock the mess out of the person who runs the computer lab.  [Another dig at Rob.  He's referring to the dorm's few computers downstairs that Rob was in charge of.]

96. A curling iron and black paint so that we can make Jamie into a black person.  [Jamie was our next door neighbor and a genuine Cajun, and he played up whatever casual racism he came with just to get a reaction... which he always did with Joey.]

97. A blood transfusion for Christina -she needs more color. [It's true!  This was our next door neighbor (and Fara's roommate) and she looked like an anemic Martha Plimpton.]

98. The Sex book from Madonna.  [Actually, he did get this a short time later.]

99. I desire Joyce's goodies.  [Sarcasm.]

100. More gummi bears.

101. Dalmatians -to eat.

102. For Michelle's hair to grow back to its Flaming red hair color because red heads are really cool.  [Michelle was a hot, skinny redhead who decided to go blonde in spite of the fact she looked like a redhead who couldn't look like a blonde.]

103. I want Charlie Brown to kick the football and then kick in Lucy's teeth.

104. The ultimate guitar set-up, with very big strings.  [Joey didn't play guitar, obviously.]

105. John Lennon to invoke his spirit from beyond and gather his band for a Beatles's reunion.  [Note the bizarre application of the word "invoke" here.  Joey's narratives -both in speech and print- were rife with syntax bordering on neurology casebook examples.]

106. To see a body decompose -preferably that of one of my enemies.

107. For the geeks on 90210 to experience constipation and feel bloated for the rest of the season.

108. To meet a girl named Shinequa.

109. To see Shane's tatoos under a blacklight.  [I have no idea who this was.  I think he might have been Michelle's boyfriend.]

110. Sex, I need sex.

111. Money to buy the elephant man's bones.

112. I want to see twins that are attached to one another at the head.

113. I wanna be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you.  I wanna be touched by you, alo-o-one. Bebopbedo, bop.  [Didn't Madonna sing this in "Dick Tracy"?]

114. I want to sit on a juicer and laugh to see if I sound like Elmer Fudd.  [This was lifed from a Seinfeld episode, a reference to Jerry's then-current girlfriend's laugh.]

115. Rob to sit still while I tease him with candy.

116. Rob to sit still while I throw water balloons on him.

117. Rob to sit still while I propose to his fiancee.

118. Rob to sit still while I tell him how much I really hate him.

119. Rob to just sit still.

120. Michael Stipe's haircut.  [Stipe started shaving his head right around this time.]

121. Sinead O'Connor's haircut for when I get bored with the first one.

122. Oh my God, I'm going to need Hair Club for men.

123. For Janet Jackson to mean all of those things she said to me  in "If."

124. I wanna be like Mike.

125. Disney to produce a movie called "Why am I so psychotic?"

126. For Stewart Smalley to encourage the depressed farm animals of  the world that life as packaged meat is great, especially if you're the one eating it.

127. Stephen King to write a romance novel.

128. Lenny Kravitz to come up with a original song.

129. For Rob to just come up.  [WTF?]

130. For the "Where's the beef?" lady to make a comeback.

131. Theta Xi to turn it up.  [This was the frat house next door.  They used to have really wild parties.]

132. For small-breasted women, tissue paper.

133. Remember girls- it's not the size of the boat, but the way you rock it.

134. For Rob to get some new clothes.

135. For Jamie to stop buying new clothes.

136. Somebody to play chess with me.

137. Somebody to play rummy with me.

138. Somebody to play doctor with me.  [Joey's three favorite games.]

139. To touch the Pillsbury dough boy's tummy and watch him giggle.

140. Ella to stop looking so butch.  [Actually, she didn't look especially butch, just plain and a little overweight.]

141. Someone to bite my bumpkis off.

142. Toe nail clippings to practice voodoo with -who do voodoo, you do voodoo.

143. To arrange a battle between Mickey mouse and Felix the cat.

144. To see Superman kill Lois Lane after she has slept with Jimmy Olsen.

145. For hicks to listen to Snoop Doggie Dog over and over and over until they turn into to pound puppies. [You might remember the video; all the gangstas turn into dogs and ditch the card game to run down a barBQ in the park.]

146. I want a screw driver to really screw with people's heads.

147. The drill used in Pet Semetary 2, so that Rob won't have any  pain.

148. I want the Millennium Falcon because we want to get away from Rob.

149. Alex to get some different colored jeans.  [I think all I had were light blue ones at this point]

[I don't know what happened to 150 or 151.]

152. Snakes, I feel the urge to have a long snake wrapped around my head so people would ask:  "Why do you have a snake around your head?" and I would reply, "What? I can't hear you, I have a snake wrapped around my head."

153. For Rob to stop calling Ella a lesbo.  [I think this was just Joey starting shit.]

154. For Zoos not to smell so bad.

155. For LSU to fall into the Mississippi.

156. For everyone to use Condomsense.

157. Tape to cover Rob's door with.  [As a prank, we taped newspaper over dorm room doors.]

158. Toilet paper to roll Rob's car with.

159. a STEAMroller to roll over Rob with.  [Caps?  Who knows?]

160. Horns and a tail to be Traci's horny little devil.

161. Alex wants a Santa Clause outfit so bad little girls will sit  on his lap and whisper in his ear everything that they want.

162. Alfafa to expand their porno section.  [This was the major video chain in town.  I think Blockbuster bought them all out.]

163. A computer solitaire game that subliminally plant themes of broken-up romances with Math/Physics majors into Joyce's head.  [Rob was a math/physics major.  Solitaire was the only computer game other than Minesweeper, so that's what people played all the time in the computer lab.]

164. I love my duckie (I just thought I'd tell you).

165. Converse shoes as cool as Alex's.

166. A woman as pretty as Wayne. [Wayne was an ugly redneck guy who went in drag -in lingerie- for Halloween.]

167. The God given talent to seduce the fiancees of prominent math/physics majors at [our dorm]. [In spite of the way this sounds, Joey had absolutely no interest in Joyce, whatsoever.]

168. Secret agent number 69.

169. A disease that makes my nipples hard.

170. Jamie to stop procrastinating.  [Jamie would go out till 2am or later, then would stay up for a couple more hours writing a paper that was due in a few hours before going to class still half-drunk the next morning.]

171. An answer to the question: "Is it nature or nurture?"

172. The Radio Shack genetics kit, I want build my own monster.

173. I want to bite their necks.

174. I want to be a dike.

175. I want to touch Demi Moore in all the places that she paints herself (see Vanity Fair covers).

176. I love myself, I want you to love me.  When I feel down, I  want you above me.  I search myself, I want you to find me. I forget myself, I want you to remind me.  I don't want  anybody else, when I think about you, I touch myself. [Lyrics, I'm guessing you figured this out though.]

177. Come here and smile.

178. I feel the need for speed.

179. I want to feel numb.

180. I want my own button bar (like Joyce has).  [She was really hung up on Word Perfect for Windows (as opposed to the DOS version) for this feature.]

181. I want a restaurant to serve rat meat like they do on Beavis and Butthead.  [Remember the episode when they dropped it in the fryer?]

182. I want a button store to sell napkins.

183. Hormones, I need hormones.

184. Love in an Elevator.

185. To feel Like A Virgin and for it to be Erotic and for it to give me Fever.  Because, I'm Crazy for You and I want to Get Into the Groove with your body next to mine, It could feel  so right.  [For the Madonna-impaired, these were song titles.]

186. I wanna be your bad girl.

187. I want Alex to be my husband.  [This was probably intended as a dig at Joyce since it was obvious that Rob was her #2 chooice.]

188. Alex wants Rob to be his fiancee.

189. Joyce wants to shield Ella.

190. Ella wants to be alone.

191. And the rest of the world can just go to heck.

192. Sex, did I mention that already?

193. To know what happened to the remains of Alex's first nose.  [I had given a talk about this in my speech class (I can't remember the actual assignment now) on my nose job.  I even had a "before" and "after" poster (just sketches), and we hung that on our dorm room door for a while as well.]

194. I want to go to the land of Oz so that I can hit the wizard because he really annoys me.

195. For Joyce's dream to live without the constraints of Kleenix.  [Joyce admitted she would masturbate in her dorm room while her roomate (who was partially deaf) would sleep.  She remarked that she was especially thankful that it did not require tissue the way guys do.]

196. To sneeze freely.

197. I want the Lords of Acid CD.  ["I must-- I must-- I must increase my bust!"]

198. I want a brother that doesn't make fun of my life.  [Before you ask, no, Joey didn't have a brother to begin with.]

199. I want to see the play "Hair" because it has naked people in it.

200. To never piss in the drain.  [A line in "Numb."  Seriously, we listened to this song almost every morning for about a month.]

201. To follow all of the rules of "Numb."

202. To feel Joyce's breast bone when she purrs (approved by Joyce).

203. I want Karen Harper.  [Who?]

204. Alex wants Samira.  [Our chemistry prof.  She was Middle Eastern and hot.]

205. Joyce to accept her role as sex goddess supreme of [our dorm].

206. Flesh eating chickens.

207. Matt wants black fingernail polish and a hairstylist named Devin.  [Matt was Jamie's roommate for about two weeks before he dropped out.]

208. We need glue to adhere the bones together.  [This is the second bone reference, but I have no idea what the story was here.]

209. It's too late for Joyce to laugh, so tell her to divorce Rob.

210. I want the soundtrack to Nightmare on Elm Street IV.

211. Alex wants the soundtrack to Dune, he'll do anything for it.  He'll even sleep with your mother for it.  [The movie having bombed on it's initial release years earlier, the soundtrack was long since out of print.  It took years before I finally tracked one down.  Since then they have re-released it.]

212. More drainage.  [Another UrbEx reference.]

213. Soap and deodrant for Lurch.  [This was a private (from him) nickname for a seriously disturbed guy who lived in our dorm for only one semester before being booted with his 0.0 GPA.  He honestly never bathed.]

214. Ear plugs for Christina.  [As you can imagine, we had our share of noise complaints from Christina, who was very conservative in every way.]

215. A cure for tone deafness (you know who Rob).  [Rob thought he could sing.  He couldn't.]

216. I wanna hold your hand (repeat four times).

217. G-D-Em! [Good chord progression that turns up in several Pink Floyd songs.  Ella's brother "wrote" a song with these chords and lyrics: "G-D-E minor!"]

218. Alex wants to sit on a T. Rex.

219. I want my nipple pierced.

220. Alex wants his nose pierced.

221. I want to bungy cord jump like the girl in the Cryin' video [by Aerosmith],  but I want to tie the cord to my nipples.

222. An electrical current to really fry my brains.

223. I want to speak Zooropa.  [U2 album with the track "Numb."]

224. What language does Rob use?

225. Pimples.  Don't like 'em, don't want 'em, eradicate the sons of a guns.  [Maybe a reference to a commercial...?]

226. Give Rob a sense of humor.

227. Give Rob a cure for his omnipotence.

228. I want to choke on a fur ball, the way Bill the Cat [from the comic strip Bloom County] used to do.

229. I want to have a nervous break down, because I'm under too much pressure-you know, steam cookers and all.

230. I want to rub somebody raw.

231. Ride in my little red corvette.  [Song by Prince]

232. To know:  what does the placing of automobiles on the side of the road have to do with the extension of relationships?  [Reference to the first line in previous song.  I think Joyce wrote this item.]

233. I want Alex's eyes so everyone would ask if I had colored contacts.  [People used to ask me this all the time.]

234. To do to some girl what the Warlock did to the fortune teller in the novel Warlock by Ray Garton.  [I think this was the book on which the movie "Warlock" (starring Julian Sands) was based.]

235. To know why life is a mystery, why must everyone stand alone.  Why is it when you call my name, that it feels like... home.

236. I want my bologna to be called Oscar.

237. I want Joyce's teddy bears.  [She actually had several.]

238. I want a rubber stamp with a picture of a raptor eating somebody.

239. I need envelopes with the sticky glue so I can lick them and  have a dry tongue and get really high.

240. Sex, still.

241. Body of Evidence ($19.95 on home video).

242. I want to sing, Momma, I want to sing.

243. Cats; did I mention how badly we want cats?

244. For Alex not to call me stupid no more.  [WTF?  I hope this was just random and not a reference to an actual incident.]

245. Rob wants Joyce wrapped in saran wrap and a tiny french red ribbon decorating her ankle.

246. I wish I had muffin, the things I'd do to it.

247. I want Grumble.  [Another "WTF?"]

248. Alex wants Frumpy.  [There was a homely girl in the dorm I used to refer to by this name.  I think I renamed everyone in the dorm.]

249. Can't we just get along.

250. Santa, damn, I wish I was your lover.  Then I'd get everything on this list that I want.  [Another song reference.]

251. Rob wants Joey to quit hating him.

252. Chinese water torture.

253. Cable, I always want cable.  I'll do whatever it takes to get  it, even steal.  [Actually, he brought up a stolen cable box, so we were stealing it]

254. Jurassic Park II, this time with pterodactyls.  [This predates the sequel by at least a couple years.]

255. For everybody to like us.

256. For everybody to hate us.

257. Don't worry Santa, we don't care.

258. More landfills to drop off the dead bodies.  [We went looking for a landfill one night, although I'm not sure if this is a reference to that.  We didn't have anything to drop off there; we just wanted to look.]

259. To know what Aerosmith means.

260. To know why hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.

261. Omnipotence, is it a sexual problem?  And could it be controlled with hormonal treatments?

262. I want mud.

263. Speed racer's car.

264. James Bond.

265. To know why it's so hard to say goodbye when it's only one word.

266. I want to cuddle.

267. A replica of Traci's forehead so that we can kiss it whenever we want to.  [Joey used to run up to Traci and kiss her huge forehead whenever he saw her.]

268. For the pipes to stop groaning in the middle of the night and  the water to stop dripping.  [I don't remember this being much of a problem, but I guess he was bothered by it.]

269. I want a potato sack.

270. I want to go to Mexico to habla con los nativos.  [Joey spoke surprisingly good Spanish for having so much trouble with English.]

271. For Rob to eat more candy and get more cavities.

272. For Alex to get an old house that he doesn't even like.  [???]

273. Hamsters (for the cats).

274. Art, if you see him, let him know I have his arms and legs so he can get off of the wall.  [Punchline of a joke I barely remember.]

275. That my asthma might be cured.  [He didn't have asthma, as a matter of fact.]

276. For one of those guns, that when you shoot it, a little flag  pops out with the word "Bang!" on it.

277. To be able to write a story where some beavers take over Carnegie Hall and perform Wozzeck.

278. A pig bladder to serve with pop tarts.  [I think he was on acid at this point.]

279. To turn all cops into bacon (speaking of pigs) and feed the starving nations of the world.

280. To know who wrote the lyrics to "Supercalafradgelistic- expealidocious..." and to understand if it was a metaphor for the drug culture.

281. To know where God lives.

282. I want a tornado to come and blow me away to an island where there are only beautiful women and coconuts.

283. To know what Alex's and Joyce's children will be like.

284. To see Star Wars again!

285. I want to be alive in 1999 because Prince (or whatever alias he uses now) said it would be one hell of a party.  [I think this was written around December 1994.]

286. Happy pills for everyone who is sad.

287. Horny pills for everyone who is sexually unaware.

288. Violent pills so that I'll see a good fight every now and then.

289. Tell all of the dead people that I miss them.

290. I want to learn how to play the Bassoon.

291. To free the world from the oppression of static cling.

292. I want a talking chocolate chip cookie so that I'll know when I'm hurting it.

293. Teddy Ruxpin, I never got one.

294. I wish I wasn't so old.

295. Six Star video was closer to the dorm.  [I think this was the place where we got the Women's Penitentary videos referenced above.]

296. WordPerfect templates for the lab so I won't have to keep hitting F3.  [I can't even remember what this did.]

297. I want a candy cane that tastes like meatloaf.

298. More computer games on the hard drive.

299. I wish that Rob would recognize the First Amendment for what it states, not what he feels it should.  [I'm not sure what he's referring to, but Rob was fairly conservative, although he would probably deny it.]

300. The persecution of all different races, religions, and sexual orientation to stop.

301. A lightbulb to attach to my mouth so that when I get an idea, everyone would know.

302. Lotsa talent (i.e., raptor calling).

303. Magical powers (ability to graduate on time).

304. I want to fly (so I can see down your blouse).

305. I want to be liked by Rob.

306. Genetically altered frogs.

307. Pizza-Laurie, forgetting something?  [Laurie was kind of chunky, although I don't know if that's his point.]

308. That the weekend Top 40 would be the way Rob wants it to be.  [This is going to take some explaining... and you're not going to believe it.  Rob would literally sit down and write out his Top 40 songs *every* week as though he was Casey Cassem.  He did this very neatly and had a folder set aside for them.  He had an obscene number of cds, most of which he had only listened to once, if that.  He was a member of Columbia House and bought so many cds that he was getting them for something like $7 a piece (plus coupons for free ones every so often) back when they were %15 or more.  It was just sick.]

309. Rattlesnake eggs.

310. I wish that the teacher evaluation forms did something.  [A characteristic trait of borderline personality disorder is that the afflicted individual will alternate between putting someone on a pedestal or hating them with everything they've got.  Joey had this in spades.  There were a couple professors who he would have set on fire, given the opportunity.]

311. Gum.

312. A woman with no arms and no legs on the beach (i.e. Sandy).  [Punchline of another bad joke.  See also "Art" above.]

313. A toaster for the dorm so we won't have to bring and hide our own like we do with the alcohol.  [Actually, we had neither a toaster nor alcohol.]

314. I want John Lennon's sunglasses, then again, who doesn't.

315. The purple hot pants Madonna wore in the "Girlie Show" for  "Deeper and Deeper."

316. For "dead" to be politically corrected as "permanently incapicitated".

317. Black Jelly beans.  [I used to really like these.  He bought me a couple bags one night a few months later while he was out.  Thanks, Joey.]

318. To correctly use "i.e." to impress Joyce.  [I think you caught that he gets it wrong about half the time, apparently in lieu of e.g.]

319. To give hygenic activities more incentive.  [WTF?]

320. Another inch or two.  [As far as I know, he was at least average-sized.]

321. Peepholes like on the first floor.  [Our dorm doors had peepholes, but you could unscrew them and peek in if you were determined enough.  Not so with the ones on the 1st floor.]

322. Everyone to use adverbs proper-like.  [This has always been a pet peeve.]

323. I want nunchcuks; Rob knows why.

324. "y'know?" I've just always wanted to say that, thank you.

325. To be the one everybody dreams of in the dorm

326. One day for everybody just to vogue.  [Are you counting?  How many Madonna references are we up to?]

327. I gotta be me, so I want everybody else to be me, just for one day.

328. A Pony.

329. A smoke detector so I'll know when I'm smokin' weed.  [It might have helped him, but he didn't do this either.]

330. A toaster oven to make pretty pictures on my hands.

331. A ladder to sneak out of the dorm with so I won't run into Rob.  [We lived on the third floor across from Rob's room.]

332. Madonna's cones to eat Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream out of.  [Recall the Blonde Ambition tour costume.]

340. Necessito gatos para comer porque no tengo cucorachos todo mas.  Ay dios mio, como me vivo?

341. Psychiatric help for the preacher man.  [See also #388.]

342. More electrical sockets to stick our fingers in.  [This may be a reference to the fact that Jamie kept spitting into one of the floor sockets in the lobby until it literally exploded.  They had to call the facility services guys out there at maybe 2am or so to fix it so the sparking wouldn't turn into a fire.]

343. Screws, I need a lot of screws, but just make sure they don't turn on ya.

344. I want wrapping paper to wrap myself in and have someone open me instead of a surgeon.  [Just try and diagram that sentence!]

345. I want myself to be open for interpretation.

346. Mormons, so you won't fell so alone.

347. Papa bear, mama bear, and baby bear, and peach fuzz to eat all the evil teachers that ransack this school: Dr. Wyche, Mr. Bass, Mr. Snelgrove, Miss Wills, Mr. Parrill, and a few others who we haven't had yet. [I only know the first one.  He was a bad history teacher.]

348. I want Beavis and Butthead to spank the monkey.

349. Pop culture.

350. Jason [last name deleted] to get another haircut.  [A guy who lived on the 2nd floor in our dorm who had essentially Rob's same hair, but longer.]

351. A blowup doll of Ella.

359. Gun control.

360. An end to the need for in-text-citations.

361. Time to do anything (like take a really nice bubble bath).

362. Shows that don't suck.

363. X-Mas presents that don't suck.

364. Grades that don't suck

365. Hydrogen peroxide.

366. That chick from the Meatloaf video.  ["Anything for Love (But I won't Do That)"]

367. Really cool X-Mas presents for all the girls who have ever broken up with me so that they'll feel really guilty
and want me back, only I'll take the presents back and scream, "No!  You can't have me nor the presents!  Ha Ha Ha!"

368. The ability to remember all of my past lives.

369. The Klingon Dictionary.  [Ella -no surprise- was a Trekkie.]

370. To get the hang of all those hip new phrases so I can be a  really fly brother.  [We used to also call ourselves "The Fly Boyz" for absolutely no reason whatsoever.]

371. Basic instinct.

372. Golf clubs (just to deprive some old doctor of his).

373. X-ray vision.

374. Enough cereal boxtops to send off for a real rocket ship.

375. Three more pairs of handcuffs for her other three limbs.  [I'm not sure who the "her" is.]

376. The power to give anyone I want a cold just by sneezing on them -what do you mean I already have that?

377. For Joyce to stop wearing flowers on her shirts.  [I never noticed this was a trend.]

378. God to give Dan Quayle another job (he can do so much better than Burger King).

379. For Sandy Duncan to sue the writers of The Crying Game for stealing her life story.

380. Red ink to make Rob up in to an Indian war chief so that he'll get really high on peyote and kill a bunch of squirrels.

381. For every dog to have his day and for a great dane to urinate on the leg of a prominant physics major in the dorm.  [i.e., Rob]

382. For a really cool band to come to [our dorm] and rock the house down -literally!

383. For more prostitution rings and for them to be legal.

384. Computers to talk to me.

385. Alfalfa beans ('cause I've never seen them).

386. The California raisins to get a sunburn, turn red, and become the California tomatoes.

387. Roadtrip to Ella's house.  [We never went to her house for some reason.  She only lived about 25 miles away.  Not that we went to mine either, come to think of it.]

388. For the preacherman that was in the Student Union to be abducted by Amazon women and shown what true sin is all about.  [There was a guy out in the Union one day acting like a nut.  I don't think he ever came back.]

389. For the preacherman to watch Cinemax after 12:00 A.M. and be blueballed until he bursts into spasms of floating jism.

390. To be able to just use your love to-ni-ght.  [I can't identify it, but I guess this was a lyric.]

391. I want Mick Jagger's mouth to swallow himself.

362. Sex on the beach, not the drink.

393. Alex wants Katherine's love.  [Not really; we had broken up almost a year earlier, but we were still good friends.]

394. Alex's Stacey to come to school, beat him on the head, and become jealous when he chases other cats.  [Stacey was my ex from when I first started college.  She never did go to college as far as I know.]

395. I want the preacherman to be put in a box, sent to me U.P.S. so that I can laugh at him, and poke at him, and watch him bleed.

396. I want to be a bad role model for children, so they leave me alone and so their parents, in addition to my own, will hate me.

397. Doink. I want to hear Doink.

398. Lust is a revolution of the mind.

399. Did I mention I want Alex's hair so I can cook it with beans and make a really raunchy, but cafeteria-like, spaghetti?


Believe it or not, there were more items on the list than this, but the file was corrupted (we were saving things to discs back then).  This one was saved as "pleaswork" (Pease work!), and only parts of it were recovered.  The numbers were still in order (I think this was an auto feature in WP5.1), but there were bits of other items scattered throughout that I deleted when I added the editorial comments.

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