Letter from a Fanboy

Years ago, Marvel Comics put out a series called What the-?!, a play on their earlier series called What if...?.  It contained parodies of super hero stories and even some fake ads and fan letters on the back pages.  Probably one of the funniest of these was something that would never be printed, but one can't help but suspect that they occasionally received letters this bad.


Before I sold off my comic book collection a few years ago, I dug out the appropriate issue and transcribed this insane text...
Dear Marvel,

The origination of the salute was pointing to or at the hairline in front.  Over the ears helps prevent colds and over shirt collar in back helps keep back clean.  Ya I want a wife and another 100 years or more.

I have liked the Incredible Hulk ever since I can remember.

Please don't have lazy teeth.  Carnivores are pretty smart when they eat all the bones they can chew and eat.  It would be nice to have a grinder to make bone meal.  Ya I drink milk and chew aspirin and Tums.  Excedrin PM Formula and Unisom helps to sleep.

I have a lot of pain from a loose tibia or fibula after being clubbed by a nightstick March 5, 1980.  I found Hydrogen Peroxide helps to sprout seeds it is gentle to sprouts.  Window gardens?  Rubbing Alcohol is good on hands, feet and belly buttons.  Ya a person should use a nose to smell some things like milk, wine, and beer.

Flies and maggots eat flesh but, they don't have teeth or skeletons to feed.  Human skeleton equals 109 bones?

Water projects help in dry conditions.  Aquariums help too.  I try to be clean!  I had to snort hydrogen peroxide 3% after handling moldy alfalfa hay.  I really believe honey bees lessen the nutrition in hay by taking the nectar.  Have to feed grain with alfalfa hay, too.  Animals can be expensive to keep.  I hurt my back working with a jackhammer at Reynolds Aluminum in Longview, Washington.  I signed a Peace Treaty July 18, 1978 in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, D.C.

Very Sincerely,

Alan Charles
Oregon


Marvel's reply:
Thank you for your health tips, Charles, and thanks for writing.  We're getting our crack decoder squad to work on your letter immediately, so if this is a coded message to your evil Communist masters, you're in big trouble.  If not, write again soon!

Copyright "irrationAle[x]... except the letters, of course.
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