Alexplorer Goes Time Traveling...

If you're just joining this series already in progress, then it means you don't have a time machine, so here's the short version: Every Tuesday (your present), I come back from my adventures time-traveling around MySpace and fill you in on what happened to people from my past as they keep slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.

Ah, here's one now...



Tonya

Then:
Tonya (not her real name) and I went to high school together, but as with her friend Jayne (featured last week), we didn't have a lot of contact with one another until a couple years into college.  Even in high school Tonya tended to be the type who snapped at a lot of folks and was flippant all the time even with people who were ostensibly her friends.  It didn't earn her many friends, and I was always sort of surprised she retained those she had.  I wasn't all that close to her, but, personally, I thought her attitude was funny so long as it wasn't directed at me, though I never analyzed it deeply enough to realize it was a defense mechanism to keep folks at bay.

When ran across Tonya and Jayne their sophomore year in college, they were still hanging around together, but it was one of those relationships where they disliked one another and yet inexplicably stayed together almost out of habit.  I guess it was just all so familiar at that point that why go looking for friendship with a complete stranger?  Really, who has the time?

While guys almost universally appreciate lesbian porn, Tonya was perhaps the only woman I knew who loved gay porn.  She apparently had a lot of it.  The first glimpse I ever had of any man-on-man action was something she had in the vcr in her dorm room that she sprung on the unsuspecting for shock value.  I can only guess at what viral videos she's bookmarked in the subsequent internet age, but even back then her fixation was not restricted to merely vhs since she also surrounded herself with gay men and Anne Rice/Rampling "literature."

She had been friends with Henry (see his earlier installment) since high school, and she told us the story of how, a few days after they had watched a gay porn together involving one guy penetrating the other with a candlestick, a candlestick was exactly what fell out of Henry's backpack onto the floor of her dorm room when he picked it up to leave.

"It's not what you think," Henry stammered.  "It's a prop for the play!"

Yes, Henry was taking drama that semester (as well as experiencing a lot of it on his way to accepting his orientation), but no one believed him, and Tonya loved him all the more for the fact she didn't have to.


Now:
I couldn't find her on MySpace, so I turned instead to the backwaters of Classmates.com to add her to the collection.  I don't know if Tonya's still a fag hag, but according to her profile there, she's way involved with some church she doesn't identify, so probably so.  I'm basing this on her otherwise conflicting statements that she's liberal vs. that she's church-going.  Since these things do not cancel one another out in her case, one can reasonably deduce her choice venue to be one of those Episcopal ones with rainbow banners on every wall.

She's still single, but who's surprised?  I don't mean to be mean, but her personality wasn't near sparkling enough to offset the fact that she was the proverbial redheaded stepchild in the flesh.  With nappy curls.  And a slow metabolism.


Hypothetical letter I'll probably never send to her:
Tonya,

We're looking for someone with that rare combination of feminine insight coupled with the unbridled sexuality of gay men and a "tell it like it is" attitude.  This position involves you acting as a consultant for the script supervisor and writing staff of a forthcoming show presently in development.  Basically, it will be Sex and the City only more honest (read: explicit).  You know, that HBO classic (and soon-to-be blockbuster movie) ostensibly about women who always talked like gay men?  Only this time it will be more so.  Being a gay man trapped in a woman's body, we thought you might be able to help.

Maybe you've heard of me?

-Darren Star, executive producer, HBO.


Copyright 2008 Ale[x]plorer.  All photos are of the actual individuals described above because, seriously, I can't make this shit up.
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