Alexplorer Goes Time Traveling...

If you're just joining this series already in progress, then it means you don't have a time machine, so here's the short version: Every Tuesday (your present), I come back from my adventures time-traveling around MySpace and fill you in on what happened to people from my past as they keep slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.

Ah, here's one now...


Shelly (not her real name) was my ex-girlfriend Cathleen's roommate in college.  I met her for the first time one night as we were returning to campus before classes started.  My roommate Jack (not his real name either) and I were picking up my ex-girlfriend Cathleen, with whom I was still good friends (See earlier Time Traveling accounts for more details).  Cathleen brought Shelly along to go out with us.  She had apparently known Shelly for a while before that, though Shelly had just transferred to our school and, as such, was a stranger to us prior to that night.  Jack and I picked them up in front of their dorm.

It turned out Shelly was the type to comment on everything in a negative way, probably just to draw attention to herself.  For example, "This Taco Bell is so much smaller than the one near where I live."  Now you might ignore the first couple comments like this, but soon a pattern was starting to emerge and she was growing all the more annoying for it.

After we had gotten something to eat at the inferior (in her opinion) Taco Bell, the plan was to meet up with some other people at a bar nearby.  We had to drive through campus in order to reach it, and for some reason, I stopped in front of Cathleen and Shelly's dorm.  Now, I swear that it must either have been a subconscious impulse or a passing case of demonic possession that made me do this because I didn't plan to pull up to the place, but I just did.  Cathleen said, "Why are we stopping at my dorm?"

I replied, "I thought Shelly was getting out."

Everyone in the car looked at me confused.  Cathleen said, "Why did you think that?"

I didn't even think about what I was saying.  "Well, she made it clear that she wasn't enjoying herself, so I thought she wanted to go home."

Shelly's jaw dropped and after about half a second of processing the facts, she just jumped out the car.  Cathleen was saying, "No, wait!" to her, but Shelly was pissed and already inside the dorm before Cathleen could think of anything else to say.  My roommate was in shock but was already on the verge of laughing.  She was exactly the type of person who irked him, and he had clearly wanted to be rid of her almost from the start.

Cathleen was exasperated, although she was kind of afraid to go after Shelly while she was still worked up.  "Why did you do that?" she said to me.  "You know I have to live with her for the rest of the semester!"

I didn't have an answer.  I just said, "Oh well!" and we went on and had a fun night regardless.  More fun even, now that we'd tossed the dead weight overboard.

The funny thing was that Shelly was ultra nice to me after that.  We even went to a Depeche Mode concert a few months later with Cathleen and another girl I was dating at the time.  I don't think Shelly ever liked me exactly, but she didn't pull the pretentious routine again, and she was always polite to me for the rest of the year that I had any contact with her (I transferred to a different school at the end of that year).  I had never planned to be malicious to begin with, but it was an effective strategy regardless, for whatever the reason.

And, okay, I'm lying.  That's a picture of Sandra Bernhard.  I didn't take any pictures of Shelly back then.

She went into real estate in Las Vegas a couple years ago, which really isn't a gamble considering the market's booming out there right now.  She married a male model who is prettier than most women I know, and they had a couple kids a few years back.  According to a reliable source, she's still a bitch.

Hypothetical letter I'll probably never send to her:
Dear Shelly,

I have wanted to fuck you ever since I saw Sandra Bernhard in "Hudson Hawk."  Since she's a lesbian, you're likely as close as I'll ever get.  Is a quick roll in the hay too much to ask if it would mean I could finally let go of this impossible fantasy?

Much love,


Copyright 2007 Ale[x]plorer.  All photos are of the actual individuals described above because, seriously, I can't make this shit up.
Back to the index