Ah, here's one now...
Phillip (not his real name) lived on the first floor of my dorm when we were in college together. No one talked to him. He stayed in his room and played computer games or something. Who knows? He was honestly the least visible character to the rest of the cast since the Phantom of the Opera.
Schizophrenia must be contagious because Phillip still suffers from the paranoia that kept him sequestered in his room for the entire two years I lived in the same dorm as him... and for who knows how long beyond that. His entire "About me" consists of the admonition to "never volunteer information, especially to authority figures, it can be used against you!" It seems almost redundant to me that he places Christopher Walken among those he'd like to meet when indeed all he'd have to do is look in the mirror.
We regret to inform you that our literary agency cannot represent you at this time. While we do serve a wildly varied clientele including science fiction authors and so-called conspiracy theorists, we have found that there is little audience for the post-apocalyptic dystopian manifestos which you initially submitted. This is no reflection on your skills as a writer, merely a reality of the marketplace that readers tend not to be interested in being preached to about why they should only barter in goods rather than using credit cards or most any other form of payment that can be traced back to them. See, this makes it difficult for them to purchase your book in the first place.
I apologize for not making the above nearly clear enough with the first rejection notice. As such, please refrain from sending additional ultimatums like the last two. We politely interpreted those as merely "supplementary chapters" to your original manuscript and not as the death threats they purport to be in their text. However, further submission of unsolicited materials such as these will be forwarded to the authorities who, I'm sure, you do not want to be in contact with again. Thank you,
-That publishing house you keep pestering.
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