Alexplorer Goes Time Traveling...

If you're just joining this series already in progress, then it means you don't have a time machine, so here's the short version: Every Tuesday (your present), I come back from my adventures time-traveling around MySpace and fill you in on what happened to people from my past as they keep slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.

Ah, here's one now...


Jana (not her real name) starting coming around my dorm when she was a freshman.  She was somehow friends with my suitemate James, but I can't see where they had much in common besides growing up in more backward than average parts of our already backward state.  I think they had a class together or something.  I don't know how we hooked up, but Jana and I went out a few times and made out in my dorm room (and her grandparents' driveway after a date once, I think), so technically we were an item, just not for very long.

Jana had a white trashy friend who was also going to school with us while her mom babysat the little bastard she was infected with by her boyfriend during her last year in high school.  I got the impression he was AWOL from even child support.  Said trashy friend (whose name I can't even recall) was the source of a lot of friction between Jana and I because she went on moralizing from, well, the moral low ground about how I better not be sleeping with Jana, whose vagina she laid claim to harder than any bull dyke on any cell block.  I don't remember if Jana was still a virgin at that point, but in any event, I think we would have had the condom sense her trashy friend lacked.  We never got far enough to test that hypothesis though.

At the time, Jana was hung up on an ex-boyfriend from the previous year, and since she still lived at home, apparently he was around enough to tug on whatever heartstrings remained susceptible to his influence.  He was playing games with her, the kind where he could make her inexplicably care about him without her ever noticing he didn't care about her.  Personally, I didn't care enough to ask since it was clear she was more emotionally involved in his manipulations than she was in me, so I moved on.  She was probably over him by the next year when she moved into my dorm, but by then I had transferred.

Her profile gives no indication that the aforementioned white-trashy friend is still in her life, although James shows up on her friend list.  Jana and another friend (who I disliked even more intensely than the awhorementioned trailer trash one) feature in her photo page at someone else's wedding.  By that, I mean that Jana still lists herself as Single and the friend still has the face and figure of a cross between a hippo and a water buffalo, only those generally have a better personality.

Jana herself exceeded my expectations and went on to get her Ph.D. in biology (something molecular, I think; she never gets specific on her profile).  She only just wrapped it up this past year, and she's just settling in somewhere, presumably as a post-doc which is another way of saying she's well on course to study DNA and will never pass on any of her own.

Hypothetical letter I'll probably never send to her:
Dearest Jana,

I have watched your career with great interest.  Although you are of paler stock than many others I hold in low esteem, I am impressed to see that you have transcended your poor breeding.  You make me question my own thinking along the lines I have grown infamous for sharing publicly of late.  Perhaps your research as well as your very existence as an educated professional may serve to shed some light on the subtleties of the so-called "nature vs. nurture" question that I tend to summarily disregard in favor of assessments based merely on skin color.

-James Watson.

Copyright 2008 Ale[x]plorer.  All photos are of the actual individuals described above because, seriously, I can't make this shit up.
Back to the index