Skeleton Keys

Why the fuck are these on my keyboard?


The Insert key.  I call this the fuck-up key because that's all it's good for.  It's the one you happen to hit accidentally when you aren't paying attention, then you type over your shit when you try to insert something.  In other words, when you hit "Insert," that's precisely the thing you can't do.  I literally remove this key from the board the moment it comes out the box.

The Num Lock key.  Why the fuck is there a key to turn off a set of keys... a set of keys that are replicated (without any restraints!) across the top of the keyboard?!

The tilda/accent key.  If you're typing a foreign language, odds are you've adjusted your character map already.  An accent mark looks like an apostrophe (or single quote) to me, so why bother with a separate key that produces essentially the same floating dot?  And if you have to type a tilda for anything other than Spanish, you're probably writing a calculus textbook, in which case you need a new keyboard with sigmas and integral brackets and shit like that anyway.

The Scroll Lock key.  I don't even know what this is for.

The Pause/Break key.  Ditto.  What can this accomplish that I can't with the Esc. key?

The right Shift key.  It's hard enough to get people under twenty (at least mentally) to use even one of these, but for some reason we have two.  Maybe someone taught me wrong, but I only use the one on the left.  I assume this paired set bullshit is a carry-over from the days of manual typewriters, back when you capitalized by hammering the first letter with one fist with index finger extended, and simultaneously slammed the other finger onto the counter-balanced Shift.  The human appendix was rendered vestigial more recently than this key.

The second Alt, Ctrl, and Windows keys.  It's a three-way tie.  I don't have any explanation why we need two each of these three.

The Backslash key.  What the fuck?  DOS is over.  The whole internet has been using the forward slash for everything since before there was a www, but Microsoft still requires keyboard manufacturers to collectively waste a gazillion tons of plastic molding a key nobody fucking uses anymore!

The right-click menu key.  Look, if you haven't discovered the mouse yet, you probably do still need that backslash key.  Or maybe you're all about having a GUI; you're just a Mac cultist, an adherent to a company that practically drove itself out of the market denying the already-realized possibility of two-button mouses (or "mice"; argue amongst yourselves).

Eleven of the twelve F keys.  Okay, I still use Alt-F4 to close windows in a hurry like when I clicked something nasty on consumptionjunction.com back in the day.  But the last time I got any use of the rest was when I was formatting my thesis in the DOS version of WP 5.1.  Most of you don't even know what that stands for.  Anyone even remember what the "F" stands for?  "F"ucking redundant, that's what.


Copyright 2009 Alexplorer.
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