My old roommate Ron was a very dull, straight-laced guy, a stereotypical math major. He was very plain and didn't have much fashion sense, a sense of humor, or much else beyond the basic five senses. The next semester after I roomed with him, my friend Jack and I moved in together across the hall. Jack used to love to pick on Ron, mainly because they were complete opposites. Jack's favorite thing wasn't so much to tease Ron as to make fun of him to Janice, Ron's then-fiance. I have probably mentioned Janice elsewhere on here. She was my stalker for five years or more after I transferred away to a different school (which was not because of her, believe it or not).
My then-roomate, Jack, was an undiagnosed case of borderline personality disorder with ADHD (emphasis on the "H"), and resembled the manic phase of bipolar... only he never came down for very long. For Janice's 22nd birthday present, Jack decided to write up a list of "Ron jokes" for her. She was not amused. That was funnier than the jokes, which was exactly as he intended.
I've added some editorial comments for
Q: What's the difference betwen Ron and a cockroach?
A: The cockroach probably has a sex life.
Q: If Ron and Janice were stranded on a desert island, which would she prefer Tylenol or cyanide?
Q: What's the difference between Ron and a coconut?
A: The coconut has a better hair cut!
Q: How does Ron brush his teeth in the morning?
A: "By the numbers."
Q: What do you get when you cross Ron with a 50,000 volt proton particle stream?
A: Snoop Doggy Dog.
Q: How does Ron get his room cleaned?
A: He threatens to go through with the wedding. [Editor: This is especially ironic since he didn't on account of Janice breaking up with him.]
Q: What's the quickest way to Ron's heart?
A: Through his calculator.
Q: How does Ron wake up in the morning?
A: Cold, wet, and alone.
Q: What's the difference between Ron and a tree?
A: Nothing. They both reproduce asexually, can't dance, and he's easy to cut down.
Q: How does Ron put his pants on in the morning?
A: He faxes Todd for instructions. [Todd was Ron's brother and his opposite in most ways except for the fact they were both goofy looking.]
Q: What does Ron do that others don't?
A: Fanatasize about Elena [his (formerly our -when I lived with him) next door neighbor, a similarly plain girl who read a lot of sci-fi] .
Q: Where does Ron get his good looks?
A: He traded his personality to Satan for them. [Ron wasn't especially good looking. I'm not sure where this came from.]
Q: How is Ron different from a peeping Tom?
A: His name isn't Tom.
Q: What does a Janice's Teddy bears have that Ron doesn't?
A: Janice loves her teddys.
Q: What is the title of Ron's autobiography?
A: "The Life I Never Had."
Q: Where do people go to talk about Ron?
A: In front of him; people don't care what he thinks. [Editor: To prove this point, Jack posted a copy of this on our door for a time.]
Cruel? Maybe, but Ron brought these things on himself. I reality, if Jack actually hated him, Ron probably wouldn't have known about this list. Jack just would just have sat around telling us bad things he wished would happen to Ron. Actually, that would have been even funnier.
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