Reality TV is for Oxymorons
I've missed something, but from what I can tell, reality tv is heading
for hell in a handbasket. I have to admit up front that I don't actually
watch any of these shows, but the commercials are telling enough in and
of themselves for my purposes. I mean, since they're already in bad
taste, here's my psychic reading of where this genre is inevitably heading
(or maybe these are already viable possibilities for spin-offs on cable)...
Survivor: Holocaust edition.
Basically this Survivor crap is nothing more than a bunch of back-stabbing
people playing around with a popularity contest in which everyone hates
one another. How is that surviving? Most of us "survived" high
school, so why are people watching thirtysomethings act like adolescents?
You want to talk about survivors? How about we throw these shallow,
catty people in a concentration camp so they can experience all the things
I actively wish on them on the rare occasions I happen upon the show?
Whichever of them makes it out alive at the end of the six years gets a
tattoo of a number on his or her arm and a book deal. Period.
The Bachelorette: Cell Block (Anal) Six.
Round up a bunch of guys who think they're going to compete for a sugar
momma on The Bachelorette, then throw them into Angola where they
can really compete to see who can be the best bitch on the block instead
of getting a shiv in the yard.
Big Brother: As Orwell Intended.
It's sort of like 'Pee Wee's Playhouse' in a Stalinist regime. Contestants
are not allowed to make eye contact with one another, and if any of them
utters the 'secret word' like, say, 'freedom' or 'democracy,' (s)he is
sent to Room 101. Just for an added bit of paranoia, viewers get
to vote on who engaged in 'thoughtcrime' that week.
Wife Swap: Uncensored. Condoms
and a camera. Let's have some truth in advertising, folks.
The Biggest Loser: Grizzly Edition.
A dozen fat people. A cave. Some Nyquil. Let them hibernate
all winter and burn off the fat. The entire budget for the show consists
of the cost of a scale and a few coffins for the ones that didn't make
it. They were the biggest losers indeed.
Porn Factor. Instead of putting
weird things in their mouths, contestants will compete in events in which
they will have to insert odd items elsewhere into their bodies. Shows
will be arranged around themes. For example, an episode might take
place on a farm and feature gardening implements or animals. Prizes
will be awarded based on the number and size of said items a contestant
can accommodate before crying mercy. Runners-up will have effectively
auditioned for their future careers as adult film stars.