My Dating Profile
Below is a dating profile I posted on a few personals sites a while back.  Unfortunately(?!?), it was very quickly successful in attracting a response that ended up in a solid relationship which has continued to this day.  I only had my profile posted for perhaps 36 hours before my girlfriend had written me.  I think more of my friends have seen it than prospective partners.

The text is based on Hugh Gallagher's now very famous admissions essay to NYU.  The difference, however, is that what you read below was 100% true at the time it was written.  Except the bit about Jodie Foster.

Why you should get to know me:
I am an ENTP on the Meyers-Briggs inventory.  My IQ reports in the gifted to genius range.  I have a BS, M.Ed., and very nearly an MS in neuroscience.  I could tell you more about the role of L-type voltage dependent calcium channels in bursts of action potentials in cultured neuronal networks than you ever want to know.  But I won't.

I built the only guitar in existence with an on-board 7-band EQ and 12-position varitone.  I rock most awesomely.  I can play the riff from "Satisfaction" on the violin. I have 2,753 mp3s.

I have seen 89.2% of the winners for Best Picture.  I am kind and always rewind.  I believe Seinfeld is still the funniest show ever, and would almost certainly make a great primer on urban American culture for visiting extraterrestrials.  I never watch re-runs.  Ever.

Few can best me at Trivial Pursuit. I consistently score "excellent" on the Reader's Digest Word Power quiz.  I start Tetris on the highest level to save time.  I could beat Mark McGrath on Rock and Roll Jeopardy.  I have come to view Boggle as a metaphor for information theory.  I think strip poker is a game for two.

My impression of Tim Curry is unparalleled when I read "The Cat in the Hat" aloud.  Children are impressed how I can pull off my thumb... and then eat it!  I can change traffic lights from red to green by simply staring at them.  I fathered Jodie Foster's children to impress the President.

I'm unabashedly affectionate.  I leave love notes and remember your favorite candy.  I prefer to shower, but I think bathing is a really great double's activity.  Ditto for spooning on the couch.

My bills are paid on time.  My grocery lists are typed.  I foster dogs for animal shelters.  I cut my own hair.  I'll play with yours if you like.  I eat my veggies and drink milk.  I reduce, reuse, and recycle.  Mothers like me.

But I have not met the love of my life.

Why I would like to get to know you:
You wrote a more substantial profile than "I like to have fun and want to find a guy who likes the same."  You may not have the best spelling or grammar skills in the world, but you at least took the time to proofread before posting on-line. You know how to pronounce "nuclear" (sound it out guys; there's only one "U"!)

You make references so obscure that even Dennis Miller scratches his head, but you never speak in sports analogies and wouldn't get it if I tried one on you.  You love trips to Wal-Mart at 4AM, but you find country music as creepy and disturbing as I do.

You always act naturally. You don't put up a false front and don't care to burrow beneath anyone else's to get to know them. You are confidant in who you are, so you are never arrogant or pretentious.  Your life is never ruled by archaic or illogical religious beliefs.  You are intelligent and open-minded, but can be such a silly goose.  You don't care if people think you're a tomboy because I happen to like you that way.  You posted a picture of yourself because you know I'm too busy for people who have something to hide.

You can hold your liquor, but don't need any to begin with to have a good time.  You pay more heed to Surgeon Generalsí warnings and years of research than to peer pressure, and don't need to suck on a cancer stick to "look cool."  You are healthy and proportionate.  You have condom sense (i.e., you never caught any sexually transmitted diseases... like, say, herpes or children).

You are affectionate.  You think that massages are the currency of a lasting relationship.  Youíre the type who would kiss your special someone in the grocery line absolutely for no reason.  You live within 25 miles of me, but would love to travel the world together.

You took the time to read all of this.  You understand that this is largely a parody of an on-line dating profile, but will take my word that itís 100% true (sans the bit about Jodie Fosterís kids).  Youíre looking for the love of your life and correctly figure he is probably wasting a lot of time on the internet instead of doing his biochem homework.

Some final comments:
Copyright "personAle[x]".  Profile composed/posted 11/02.
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