My Dating Profile (The director's cut)
Below is the long form of the dating profile I posted.  Whereas the short version is fairly random, this draft actually is more structured and is probably gives a more accurate picture of who I was when I wrote it.



Why you should get to know me:
I am an ENTP on the Meyers-Briggs personality inventory.  My IQ reports in the gifted to genius range.  I have a BS in zoology with a minor in chemistry, an M.Ed. in secondary science education, and am about to finish a master's in neuroscience.  I could tell you more about the role of L-type voltage dependent calcium channels in bursts of action potentials in neuronal networks cultured on micro electrode arrays than you ever want to know.  But I won't.

I still think prank phone calls are funny and believe "caller ID" took away a rite of passage for generations to come.  I talk to strangers in checkout lines at the supermarket and draw their attention to unusual combinations of items in their baskets.  I adopt controversial but fictional personas to entertain myself and challenge the prejudices of judgmental individuals.  I honk and wave at people on the street who I don't know just to see how they will react.

I built the only guitar with an on-board 7-band EQ and 12-position varitone known to be in existence.  I rock most awesomely.  I also play bass and keyboard, and can play the riff from the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" on the violin.  But I frighten animals and small children when I play the saxophone.  I have never taken a music lesson, yet I taught myself music theory beyond the level attained by many professional musicians.  I have 2,753 mp3s on my hard drive.

I have seen 89.2% of the Academy Award winners for Best Picture since 1929.  I have watched all the movies on the AFI's Top 100 All-time Greatest list, and I disagree with many of their choices.  While channel surfing, I can identify -by name- movies I have never even seen.  I watch foreign films in fast forward because that's the fastest way to read the subtitles.  I can appreciate the new Star Wars movies for what they are and don't lose any sleep over what they should have been.  I know most of the best audience participation parts in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I am kind and always rewind.

I don't watch sports and never force anyone else to.  I have seen all but four episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I believe Seinfeld was probably the funniest show ever, and would almost certainly make a great primer on urban American culture for visiting extraterestrials.  I know who killed Laura Palmer.  I can translate Dennis Miller's most obscure references for you.  I never watch re-runs.  Ever.

My literary tastes are wildly varied.  I have read nearly everything by Kurt Vonnegut and Frank Herbert, but I quit reading fiction several years ago for reasons that are too involved to explain in this medium.  I think bathroom graffiti is an under-appreciated literary genre.  I am up-to-date on current events around the world and consume more science literature than anyone I know.  I am working my way through the dictionary at the moment even though I consistently score "excellent" on the "Word Power" quiz in Reader's Digest.

I know how to perform numerous acts of preventive maintenance on my car.  The lights and appliances in my house can be operated by remote control.  I painted my own garage and electrified my fence to keep dogs from digging under it.  I wash dishes and do my own laundry, usually while talking on the phone.  I cook several meals at once to save energy, both my own and for the environment.  All of my bills are paid on time.  My grocery lists are typed.

I know some of the funniest sites (and sights) on the internet.  I can advise you on how to sell your unwanted belongings more efficiently on eBay.  I built a really great website to teach electronics, but never uploaded it.  I know more keyboard shortcuts than your nerdy brother.  I understand how WinZip makes files so small.  I discovered several novel applications of the "search and replace" function in word processing programs that few people ever realize.  Even when I'm not using a computer, I multi-task during virtually all my waking hours.

My impression of Tim Curry is unparalleled, especially when I read "The Cat in the Hat" aloud (in the role of the title character, of course, but you already guessed that).  Children are impressed at the way I can pull off my thumb... and then appear to eat it!  I can change traffic lights from red to green by simply staring at them.  I fathered Jodie Foster's children to impress the President.

I dress up occasionally, but am most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt.  I defiantly wear Converse hi-tops on rainy days, even though they are made of permeable canvas.  I occasionally wear name tags to better express myself (e.g. "Hello, I'm..." Single, Evil, etc.).  My collection of over-the-top Ralph Marlin ties is second to none.

Few can best me at Trivial Pursuit.  I start Tetris on the highest level to save time.  I could beat Mark McGrath on "Rock and Roll Jeopardy" or any other celebrity on regular Jeopardy for that matter.  I have come to view "Boggle" as a metaphor for information theory and epistemology.  I think strip poker is a game for two.  As is "Truth or Dare."

I'm unabashedly affectionate.  I'll tag along on a shopping trip and not complain.  I will just kiss my special someone for absolutely no reason while waiting for her to find something she likes on said shopping trip.  I leave love notes and remember what you said your favorite candy is.  I'll think you look sexy in jeans and a t-shirt, and don't care if you ever wear make-up.  I prefer to shower, but I think bathing is a great double's activity.  Ditto for spooning on the couch.

For fun, I write on-line dating profiles and essays on the nature of cognition.  I have a partial theory for the unification of general relativity and quantum mechanics.  I'll do your resume for you without your having to ask.  I can edit others' work without imposing myself on their style.  I know APA format, but don't necessarily think it is the best.

I foster dogs for local animal shelters.  My nails are always neatly trimmed.  I cut my own hair.  I'll play with yours if you like.  I reduce, reuse, and recycle.  I eat my veggies and drink milk.  Mothers like me.

But I have not yet met the love of my life.


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