Funny Personals
What follows are some profiles that I found on the web over the years that struck my fancy.  I thought all of these were funny for one reason or another.  I think you will enjoy them as well.



Some profiles are funny in a funny way.  Some people just have a knack for writing something witty or cute.  None of these people are on match.com.

"I like have a lunch pass..."

Hi! i like have a lunch pass because i like live in the dorms and so i like eat chicken fried steak like everyday. but like im still skinny and i was just thinking like the other day that it would be so rad if like i had sex with someone and we had like lots of chicken fried steak everywhere and like we could like eat it off of each other and like pour gravy over our bodies and stuff like that. so yeah if you would like to do that with me then like send me a message or something because i like have a lunch pass since i like live in the dorms and so i like eat chicken fried steak like everyday.


It's hard to tell if this is funny or scary.

"Click it, slime dog!"

The five items I can't live without:
Everything, infinity, wanton boredom, limitless limits, change.

Fill in the blanks:
Padisha Emperor Shaddam IV's daughter is sexy; Shiny, slippery, smooth, curvy, laughing is sexier.

In my bedroom, you'll find:
A portal to the 6th dimension, where space-time is cheap megaphor, the laws of physics are reduced to a whim, and humans live in incomplete pairs with three people per body.

Why you should get to know me:
Because I'm funny. And people who say they are funny usually are, right? Because, like, why else would they say that? Also: because my shoes are exactly one foot long on the bottom. Because I need to meet you if you are who I think you are. And if you are-- you need to meet me too. Riggalee footyflut slut rut. Butt.

More about who I'm looking for:
...I'll just lie back and think pleasant thoughts. Chicken pot pie... Chocolate covered RAIsins... EEGlazed Hammmmm... They think I'm crazy... But I know better... It is not I who am crazy... It is I who am MAD!... Didn't you hear 'em? Didn't you see the crowds?!! Oh my beloved ice cream bar... How I love to lick your creamy center... eeyaaarghruch... eeyaarghrunch... eeyaarghrunch... And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering... You're not like the others... You like the same things I do... Wax paper... Boiled football leather... Dog breath... WE'RE NOT HITCHHIKING ANYMORE... WE'RE RIDING...


Some profiles are funny in a sad way.  When your audience is only your future spouse, one would think that a moment of proofreading would be the norm.  Not so.  Punctuation, capitalization, and spelling are apparently not high on some people's list.  With this girl, capitalization is ALL OR nothing.
hello i'm a 21 yr old white female. i'm looking for that special someone. i'm a very out going person who likes to have fun, party, hang out with friends and sometimes go out to the bars.i'm open for any kind of relationship right now. i love the outdoors and love to go camping and anything else outside . i love animals. if ur intrested than send me a message. I AM LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL GUY TO BE IN MY LIFE. HE NEEDS TO BE OUTGOING. HE ALSO HAS TO LIKE TO HAVE FUN AND PARTY AND OCCASSIONALLY GO OUT TO THE BARS. HE HAS TO ALSO BE ABLE TO JUST STAY AT HOME ONE NIGHT AND CUDDLE AND WATCH A MOVIE. I'M A VERY AFECTIOATE PERSON AND U ALSO HAVE TO BE. U HAVE TO LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT WHAT I CAN DO FOR U OR WHAT U CAN DO FOR ME. LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING IN A RELATIONSHIP ITS WHATS ON THE INSIDE THAT REALLY COUNTS .

This same girl wrote me once and expected a response with the sorry profile below.  I swear to you, I did not change a single letter of this...

i am very open minded i like meeting cute boys i like healthy stuff, good vibes and i do not have time to waste time so i like to have fun and i make it fun some things i like in no particular order are beastie boys, dogs, dancing, snoop dog, art, sushi, aerobics/weights, tom petty, jazz, good company, deep down and dirty hard hitting house music, and most everything that falls in between. i am looking for a guy that has a good head on his shoulders with a firm sense of his self and an appreciation for honesty and harmony. i enjoy someone who can coinside with my values and ideas about what the future holds. i also enjoy someone who is financially secure and does support enviornmental reservation- may it be with recycling or donations. in addition someone who can dance the night away or appreciate art in its finest form. not much to ask for.

And then there is English by non-English speakers (aka "desperately seeking a green card!")

How she describes herself:
hi, how are you? As for myself, how to say? I like smile and occasionally laugh, as my name tell you. I love nature and I am natural. I like tavelling, climbing and jogging outdoors. I like reading prose and fairy tale. Do you like "The lion king"?If you do, we can share a lot. Sometimes I am motivated, but occasionally I am so lazy. Ok, that's me.
How she describes her ideal match:
hi, I have been waiting and lookng for the person in my life. I wish we can love each other, appreciate each other, encourage and support each other in difficulties. Anyway we can enjoy many things together, but we can give freedom to each other. I wish he is kind, which is most important, not only to me, to friends, but to all people and to the world. I wish he has passion for his work, his life and love them. If course it is better that he like sports, travelling, "the Lion King", so that we can enjoy together. Also he'd better not too cool. He like smile as much as me. Where is he and when he will come? foI wish he is kind, healthy, considerate and with kid heart. It is better to like sports and travelling.

Some profiles just cry out "Please marry me and get me out of this miserable Communist dictatorship!"  Of course, you have to read this between the lines because the lines themselves defy all accepted grammatical logic.  Enjoy some of the following samples I've collected and try not to hurt yourself diagramming the sentences below.

From Egypt

How she describes herself:
it is verey hard to talk about my self.anywayi like to have anew freind.like reading playing volly,lestening music,play with babies,like to travel,?i do not know what to say more

How she describes her ideal match:
i like areal man who can hold me and makes me flying in his feeling,decent,smart,freindly,some times crazy.romantic,know
the meaning of love.


More non English-speakers...

How she describes herself
I am very good , Believe me !
Hi: I am XXXXXX , This is my name, From China. I find you and hope can make friend with you . The frist , I must say I am good girl and very beautiful. 21years old, I study architecture in 1995-1998, and in 1992-1995 study vocal music, I have good voice and is a good singer. In 1999, I study antique, chinese antique, porcelain. Because I love chinese story and chinese handicraft article.And Now I have a job in Water supper company ,I am a secretary . I love cook, a good chef, love peaceful , not love noise and excitement,I think I'm gentle and quiet. I am very confident. Yes, That's true ! I have a good family, My father is a civil servant .My mother is a doctor , My sister have a store , sell " Nokia" . My sister 27years old , Married. Now I live with my parents. I am serious, not joke, don't want "play" or " game", Hope you understand me . Thanks very much .

How she describes her ideal match:
mature conscientious 28years old -35years old 174cm-188cm love China have good economic base conventional serious for love and marriage


How she describes herself:
Do you believe it will exist true love? Unfortunately I have never meet, will I have the lucky to meet it? Do you have the same dream? However, I think it must be exist true love and I can sure I could meet in some days. Frankly, it is very difficult to describe my personality. Some times I am an outgoing girl, but some times I am a tranquility girl. All my friends like me, as I am a very helpful person not only in my work, as well as in my life. And I am a pretty, tasty girl with typical traditional Chinese concept. Just write mail to me and it is a good start to get know more about me.

And there's funny in a weird way.  Below is a message from a 20 year old who wrote me (note: I was 28 at the time).  After that is her profile.  It's even scarier.

What are you up to? I guess I'd be the girl you'd call a work in progress - but I'm young yet, there's time. I think a fun date might be bowling, just because I never go and I'm bad at it so it would give us something to do if there didn't turn out to be anything to talk about without any stress about doing too well. I decided to try the whole online dating scene primarily because all of my friends seem to be hooked up. It sucks when all of your friends are coupled up, but you’re not.... Even if you still get a chance to go out together, you always ending up feeling like a third wheel, no matter how accommodating their significant other…. There’s a reason rollercoasters are made to seat two man! Just kidding... Not to strike the whole lonely loser banter, but figured I’d give a little insight into what I’m doing here…


ON THE IDEALMATCH...
I would like to meet a guy who is really nice and caring. And they must have as a good personality and sense of humor and is willing to be there for me and others. And they would have to look nice and take care of themselves
[Who wants to meet a guy who’s really mean and uncaring?  And he must appreciate conjunctions as much as I do.]

ON DEAL BREAKERS...
when they do not brushe there teeth, or comb there hair, or they just smell that turns me away fast

ON CULTURAL BACKGROUND...
i speak english only I WAS BORN IN UKIAH CALIFORNIA AND I AM IRISH

ON SPIRITUALITY / RELIGION...
I believe that there is someone higher thatn me and i do attend church once in awhile

ON CAREER...
well right now i work for wendys and i have done all different types of jobs

COMMENTS...
im not into anything gross or men talking to me dirty i just want to meet someone really nice and to be around them for a long time


It's amazing how little someone can write and still manage to have the worst personal ad ever...

My tern off has to be vidio games. i like them but if you spend more than an hour or two with the playstation a day don't call me. I want a relation ship not a child.

Other on-line encounters...
Note: All identifiers have been altered/removed for purposes of not identifying the guilty.  If you read your profile on here, don't write me about it... I'll just laugh at you.
Copyright Ale[x]asperated (except the borrowed text).

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