After playing around on MySpace.com
and similar sites for a while, a few pet peeves started to emerge.
I posted this in my blog on MySpace. Somehow this list gradually
turned into the transcript of a George Carlin routine. Alternatively,
you can regard it as a "how to" manual on posting a profile that will raise
my blood pressure.
Top MySpace Annoyances...
People who write really in-depth profiles
like: "I like to have fun." What the fuck?! That tells me about
as much as "I consume oxygen and am composed of 70% water." No, wait,
this is worse. I swear, I just came across this one:
I am laid back. I enjoy humor and others
who get humor and know how to use it :) I have dogs. I like live music.
what do I say here? I am about just hanging out and having a good time
and being serious when I have to be and L-I-V-I-N
Is that not the worst thing you've ever read?!
I can't make this shit up!
People who post the results of the last on-line
"personality quiz" they took instead of demonstrating they have an actual
personality... or a brain! Can you not generate your own content?!
People who post comments directly to the person
who has the profile. Hey, if you've got something to say to your
buddy, just send them a note. Or better, yet, pick up the goddamned
phone once in a while! Everyone's going to read this and We. Don't.
People who post media. Any media!
I'll chose the music I want to listen to, and I don't have time to watch
your postage stamp-size gangsta video because I'm too busy trying to read
your blog about how drunk you got on your birthday. Yeah, like you
People who took the time to post a picture,
but didn't write a goddamned thing for their profile. Think of the
blind people who are searching for friends who will never get to know you.
People who write things like "I don't know
that I want to go out with people I meet on-line." Seriously, I don't
get this. Why are you on here? Go back to trying to do your
grocery shopping without making eye contact with anyone, you fucking freak!
People who send me friend requests who I have
never even heard from before, let alone actually met. Apparently,
I have too high a high threshold for regarding someone as my "friend."
You want to write me some weird shit, I'm all for that. We can be
friends if I think you're cool after that. Well, maybe.
People who do not know what the SHIFT key
is for. Use it! You know, for proper names, beginnings of sentences,
etc. Is it such an effort to lift that fucking pinky of yours?!
People who post pictures of their cats.
Your cat doesn't give a fuck about you, and I don't appreciate you wasting
the bandwidth or my time.
People who write one generic line about themselves
then say, "If ya wanna know more write and ask me!" Gee, let me think...
Should I write someone who couldn't even fill out their own profile?
Or should I spend my time more productively watching the home shopping
People who write the names of celebs under
"Who I would like to meet." Yeah, sure, Brad Pitt and Gwen Stephani
will be on the next plane. Oh, and Ghandi? He's the roach you
stepped on. So much for karma.
People who put up backgrounds so shitty that
you can't read the text. Learn to code already or don't dick with
your profile in the first place!
People who can't crack this code: It's "you're,"
not "your." As in, "You're the offspring of first cousins."
Contrast with, "Every time you touch a keyboard, your English teacher cries."
People who list their entire cd collections
under their musical interests. Look, if you can say more about what's
in your stereo than what's inside yourself, fuck you. I don't know
that you are someone I want to meet.
People who post pictures of cartoon characters
in lieu of images of themselves. Oh, I'm sorry, are you really two
dimensional? I know entirely too many people like you... They're
on MySpace and they're a waste of space.
People who fill their blog with poetry.
I'm sorry, but no one wants to read that shit. One Robert Smith of
the Cure is entirely too many for me to listen to your pitiful cries
for help as well.
"You're so lame...
I bet you think this 'blog is about you.. don't you? Don't you?"