My New Hobby

While I was at my parents' house over xmas, I was using my dad's ancient (well, 5 year-old) computer through a dial-up connection.  Since I didn't like reconnecting constantly due to inactivity, I had it running in the background and loading up profiles on MySpace.com while I wrote.  I would just check those out periodically to see if anyone had anything interesting to say.

Well, entirely too many of those are just complete crap where people don't bother to fill out their profile or whatever, so instead of just sighing and closing the window, I figured I would start giving them a hard time about not doing shit and wasting the bandwidth.

For example, I usually start out with a sarcastic bit like:

Thanks so much!  That was the best profile I've ever read.  Usually, I'm not a big fan of minimalism... but somehow you make it look good.  It's like you're Clint Eastwood or something.  By saying absolutely nothing on your profile, you tell us all so much.
And if they only have a single photo posted (which is usually the case), I'll add:
And the lone image of yourself surrounded by the white, barren field of your photo page emphasizes the sense of quiet desperation of single individuals everywhere.  That was a very profound and inspired statement.
On the other hand, sometimes people post a half-dozen or more photos and don't type a single line, in which case I say to them:
I mean, most people ramble on and on and never take the time to post a picture.  You're that rare opposite.  Someone who says "Look at me," but doesn't have anything to say about herself or who she would care to meet.
One time I ran across a profile for a girl with a single picture of a guy posted.  I figure it was an idiot who was trying to say he wanted to meet girls, so I tacked on:
And the juxtoposition of the self-identification of yourself as "female" with your posting of a solitary male image recalls the dadaist aesthetic so lacking in modern profiles on-line.
And I invariably finish the (form) message with:
You rawk!
...which is also my subject line.  Oddly enough, some people take it as a compliment and miss the sarcasm entirely.  Others get it and get angry.  Most have simply forgotten their password and never bother to log on.  That sucks, but with caller ID, this is the only way left to make prank calls.

One lady I wrote said:

Thanks so much. You kick ass as well.
Too bad you're taken.
Actually, she was pretty hot.  Damn.  I'm changing my profile from "In a Relationship" to "Swinger."

I more enjoyed the sarcastic response I received in response to this message:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
Thanks so much! That was the best profile I've ever read. Usually, I'm not a big fan of minimalism... but somehow you make it look good. I guess itís your ability to say as little as possible in your ďAbout MeĒ section that makes you the Clint Eastwood of this site.

[Editor's note: The only picture she had posted was of her licking a frozen flagpole] And the lone images of yourself surrounded by the white, barren field of your photo page emphasizes the sense of quiet desperation of single individuals everywhere. That was such a powerful statement, especially the fact that the metaphorical depiction of your romantic life is restricted to an oral entanglement with a frozen flagpole.

You rawk!

p.s., Actually, the blog was funny.

Her reply:
Hmmm...Thanks...I think.

I'm glad a Myspace expert like you thinks I rawk. This was truly my main goal.

Maybe one day someone will take pity on my desperate soul and save me from another lone winter of being stuck to a flag pole. Until then, thanks for the uplifting words. You made my life.

So I like trouble.  Is that so wrong?

Copyright "Ale[x]trovert".
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