More funny personal ads
Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal
Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton,
1996, Simon and Schuster.
Bitter, unsuccessful middle
aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking
for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories,
tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
Me--trying to sleep on the bus station
bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you--choking on my odor,
tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes
meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
Imp and angel. Disembodied head in
jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring
marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions.
Send photo of someone else.
I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt.
I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose.
Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub.
Three toed mango peeler searching for
wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine?
Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
Mongoloid spastic underwear model with
extra limb (you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra
prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food.
Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially
blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour
cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably
hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No
I like eating mayonnaise and peanut
butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on
birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw,
have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five
Timber! Falling downward is the lumber
of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands.
Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks.
Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy
woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend
appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored
and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER.
Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking
for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white
'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme
song? Marry me.
Remember that summer you spent with
your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And
how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd
ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing
your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month
imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly
day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you
were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned
Would you have responded
to any of the above? Yeah, I like the spider-in-your-pants-guy too.
"personAle[x]" ...well, except for the ads.