People I hate

There are so many people I hate, where do I begin?  Well, I guess I could just list the groups.  That will save time.


People I hate: Urban Cowboys (aka full-time anachronisms)
Who do these people think they are?  Time travelers?  Who goes around dressed like a walking anachronism?  It takes a lot of effort (if not taste) to go out and buy all the parts of this kind of costume.  The difference is that Halloween comes but once a year and these idiots do it full-time.  And more importantly, they don't even do it well.

I mean, I've seen a fair number of Westerns over the years, and while they certainly don't strive for historical accuracy in every frame, I have yet to see a cowboy wearing a belt buckle the size of a hubcap.  Maybe these modern day cowboys are part-time wrestling champions?  I never bothered to ask since I can't understand what they're saying half the time anyway.  Hey, moron, can you spit out the chaw so you can articulate in English?

I haven't looked closely enough to see where the current trend is, but when I was in college in the early '90s, Garth Brooks started wearing the loudest shirts I have ever seen.  All these racist homophobes jumped on this bandwagon and decided to wear these goofy-ass dayglo and neon patterned collared shirts that made them look like gay Mexicans.  Had any psychology department in the country seriously pursued this collective case study in groupthink, I'm sure we might have averted phenomena that led to the fucktard we presently have for a president.

It seems like they're doing their best to call attention to themselves for exactly the wrong reasons. In fact, the whole get-up strikes me as a giant dunce's cap, crowned by the iconic symbol of stupidity: the cowboy hat.  But then you add the boots and the rest, and you're only a layer of face paint away from a rodeo clown.


People I hate: DVD designers
Who are the "artistic" little assholes that design DVD menus?  I'm going to depart from my usual third-person rants and turn this into something of an open letter to these pricks.  Here are a few suggestions I would like to pass onto them instead of sending them the package of C4 and rusty nails they really deserve.

As soon as I insert the DVD into the player, the menu should come up *immediately*.  That means NO fucking 15 second long splash of the fucking studio's fucking self-aggrandizement.  I don't fucking care.  I paid for the *movie.*  You want to jerk off in someone's face, you pay a whore, not the other way around.

When I say I want the menu to come up immediately, I mean that I don't want to see a fucking FBI warning in English, then in French, then the movie rating, then some bullshit distancing yourself from the commentaries by the left wing director you hired to make the crap movie in the first place.  None of us are even going to listen to that bullshit anyway.  Better idea: Print that shit out on toilet paper so I'll have an appropriate use for it before I flush it.

And how about when I hit Play, you let me watch the fucking movie?!  No more animations or clips.  Jesus Fucking Christ already!!!  Is there a single frame left I haven't already seen in the trailer and commercials, one joke left you didn't ruin, one surprise left you didn't spill?

In all of the above, I have the RIGHT to Fast Forward through any fucking thing I want.  This isn't some major technological hurdle I'm asking you to surmount; just don't disable the most basic function.

Here's my proposal to help you find your motivation to get this fixed.  I'll select a dvd at random and give you the remote.  Then I'm going to continue to kick you in the fucking crotch until you can get the movie started.  I think that might get the point across.  Deal?  I'll be over soon.   Very, very soon.


People I hate: Pedal Pushers
Why is it that they don't teach you in drivers' ed that it is perfectly okay not to have your foot on either the gas or the brake?  I hate these idiots who gun it right up to a red light, then practically have to some to a screeching halt.  Have you not figured out that you can coast and not burn up gas for nothing?  How difficult a concept is this?  Thanks for the global warming, assholes.

These are the same stupid fucks that will tailgate me on the way to a red light, as though they can "encourage" me to go faster... like that will do any good.  Then we'll what?  Race up to it and sit there looking like idiots?  I'm in no hurry to look like an idiot, but you go right ahead.  Idiot.


People I hate: Reality Show Contestants
Maybe I've missed something, but from what I can tell, reality tv is heading for hell in a handbasket.  I have to admit up front that I don't actually watch any of these shows, but the commercials are telling enough in and of themselves for my purposes.  I mean, since they're already in bad taste, here's my psychic reading of where this genre is inevitably heading (or maybe these are already viable possibilities for spin-offs on cable)...

People I hate: Horn Honkers
Horns are made to get someone's attention.  I'm not disputing their purpose.  There are times when they are made to be used.  For example, when someone is starting to pull out in front of you and there's no time for you to stop or if the moron in front of you is burning up the green light doing his crossword puzzle.

On the other hand, a good way to be an asshole in my book is to sit out in front of someone's house and lean on the fucking horn.  Guess who's attention you got?  Yep, someone who is rethinking his position on gun control right now.  You're a manditory waiting period away from taking a bullet in the head, asshole, so shut the fuck up and go ring the doorbell like a human being.


People I hate: The Loud Car People.
As you already know, there's more to this than just the Horn Honkers.  This is a broad category, but I'm going to lump all the rest of the members together the way special ed classes are composed of kids with Downs syndrome, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, etc.  You know what?  If you're in this group, you're retarded.  Same with the Loud Car People.

One variety of Loud Car People likes to shell out cash for excessive stereo equipment that could be better spent on preventive maintenance for their car and/or regular dental care for themselves.  I don't know what the incentive is here exactly.  Why would someone want to play their stereo so loud that the sound of the car vibrating itself to pieces drowns out what they believe to be music?  Or maybe these idiots just like to listen to recordings of cars vibrating and I'm just missing something?

Honestly, why is it acceptable to make your car loud?  Does anyone spend time hot-rodding their house?  Who throws a small fortune at a stereo system for their living room that is designed to blow out their windows and send the police knocking?

And then there are the idiots who apparently have no interest in electronics.  They want to boost the sound of their car's exhaust.  Yes, in a nutshell, they like the sound of their car farting.  Fucking brilliant.  Who rides a motorcycle with practically no muffler?  Assholes, that's who.

The ostensible reason they make this huge racket no one I know wants to hear is because they believe this will attract women.  This is deeply, deeply flawed logic.  In case you're one of the types with a motorcycle like this, let me explain: The only people who want to fuck an asshole are gay men, and they're all at the rest stop, not next to you at the traffic light doing their damnedest to ignore you.

Returning to the house vs. car analogy, can you imagine someone modifying, say, their air conditioning unit so it would be louder?  What kind of an asshole would you have to be?  Oh, yeah.  The kind that likes farting noises.  Grow the fuck up, asshole.


People I hate: The Head Nodders.
I hate these people who nod their head the whole time someone is speaking.  I'm like, "Why are you nodding?  No one asked you anything.  This isn't an opinion question!"

I think what the nodding is supposed to say "I know."  Well, you don't, otherwise someone wouldn't be trying(!) to communicate something to you.  They're telling you factual information that you're hearing for the first time...  Quit with the goddamned nodding already!

I used to see these types in lectures in college.  I was like, what are you remembering this from a past life or something?  I was always looking over at this one lady in one of my classes (It's always the nontraditional student doing this, isn't it?) and thinking, "Hey, did I miss something?  Did he ask a question while I was jotting down something in my notes?"  Nope, just this smug bitch nodding like a fucking bobbing bird.


People I hate: Rioters
I'm just never going to understand this phenomenon.  Maybe if I was around a riot, I might get caught up in the emotion, but I just don't see that happening.  What I don't get is how stupid you have to be to smash up everything except anything remotely related to what you're rioting about.  Let's destroy our neighborhood!  Yeah, that'll show 'em.

Last week in Afghanistan, an army truck ran out of control.  Three people were killed in the accident.  As usual, the Afghans went nuts and rioted.  At the last count I heard, eleven additional people were killed in the subsequent riot... all rioters.  Oh, and they managed to destroy a sizable part of their own neighborhood as well.

New plan: Don't bother to invade a country, just drop a truck downtown and let them fucking kill themselves and decimate the infrastructure in the process.


People I hate: Mouse Jigglers
Maybe I shouldn't hate them, but at the very least I absolutely do no understand people who jiggle the mouse when their screen saver comes on.  You're sitting there talking to them.  They aren't paying any attention to the computer and haven't in the last few minutes.  They don't need to see what's on the screen.  What is this?  Some primordial fear of the dark or something?  It doesn't make any sense.  Can't you just let the goddamned screen saver do its job?  Who designated you the electricity-wasting screen killer?

Copyright 2006 Ale[x]asperated.
Back to the index