Sequel to Passion of the Christ

I wish I had written this.  I did some minor editing, but the majority was composed by a friend did who wishes to remain anonymous in order to deflect death threats that I'll gladly field.

The Sequel to Passion of the Christ

New film titled Buried Alive. Live through the minute by minute action of Jesus' miraculous escape from a dark and dangerous cave-like tomb, bringing to us the true meaning of Easter.

Mel just HAS to make this movie.

I see Jesus with bloody fingertips, torn nails, fighting the scorpions and snakes from within his nearly airless tomb as he tries to dig a tunnel out.  Look as the mosquito larvae and fly maggots infest his bloody wounds, piles of urine and feces build up at his feet, a self-amputation of a gangrenous toe using a crucifixion nail as a surgical blade, weak with hunger, he feasts on a live rat.

Delusional from his septic limb post-amputation, he takes off his torn loin-cloth and masturbates during a dreamy sequence that represents his fantasies about Mary Magdalene playing hide the grapes with the 12 disciples.

There could be a climactic scene where he sees a beam of light, and dramatic music plays, only to have the light blocked (switch to view from camera outside tomb) by a pile of rocks tossed there by an evil Jew with a maniacal laugh and a murderous gleam in his eye.

All of the Plano, Texas churchfolk could gather at midnight at the Legacy Cinema Tinseltown, hamming it up for the cameras...

**Excerpt from interview with a Plano trophy wife, size 4 with fake breasts, in her late 30s to mid 40s with a mask-like plastic face.

Elizabeth: "Yes, it was hard for me...the scenes...I'm so claustrophobic I can't hardly stand my bi-annual pre-facelift MRI!   Watching Jesus in that small space....buried alive......running out of air......THIS is what being a CHRISTIAN is all about".
**Excerpt from interview with second Plano trophy wife, virtually identical to the first (not surprising considering they share the same health club memberships as well as having recommended the other's surgeon).
Katie: "It changed me.  These are my daughters Emma and Kennedy- they're 8 and 10.  I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate for them but since we're all going for our tennis lessons at the club this afternoon, I didn't want them to be disadvantaged by being the only young ladies there who haven't seen it.  That is the true meaning of being a Christian and being a parent- giving things to your children that they might not want or need but that makes them look better in others' eyes, ya know, um, setting a Christian example.

"We now have foreign members at our club and they're probably Islamics or Hari Krishnas or something, so maybe my girls can take what they saw here today and witness to that heathen dark-skinned girl on the tennis courts.  I want to teach my girls to show Christian kindness to the less fortunate.  Last week, Kennedy invited that hairy Indian child to go to the spa with us after our lesson.  Her mother must have some pagan religious reason why she's letting her child sport a monobrow and mustache to 3rd grade, but my girls were really shining a Christian light on Geeta or Neetha or whatever the poor monkey-child's name is.   It was an important lesson for Em and Kennedy, to see that not everyone is born with good genes and fair skin.

"That is what is so great about being in a free and diverse Christian country, where even smelly, hairy immigrants can learn tennis with the beautiful... if their dad donates enough money to build a new golf course to the club".

**Final interview with Plano executive husband in his early 50s with narrow shoulders, hair plugs, deep tan, and wide hips dressed in off-the-rack Lauren casual wear, frequently looking at his watch to ensure it is caught on camera (Rolex or Cartier?!?) and waving his keys around to show off his Jag keychain. All three interviewed are obviously NEW MONEY.

Johnathan William Tyler, II: "Don't listen to the media hype about it being against any other religion.  It is an accurate representation of the Jews.  This is history, not opinion.  It demonstrates the sinful craftiness and greediness that have been a part of the Jewish culture for centuries.  I minored in theology and I can tell you that this film is accurate.  Anyone who says otherwise is being sucked in by the Jewish media conspiracy.   I'm a Christian so I don't HATE the Jews, I just know I'm saved and they'll burn in hell"

Copyright 2007 someone other than Alexplorer.  What's that about killing the messenger?
Back to the index