The NatioALEXaminer Stories

The following is an actual news story.  My comments in brackets cannot improve on the content, but it's better than my typing LOL endlessly.

'Gilligan's' Mary Ann caught with dope
AP 3/11/2008
DRIGGS, Idaho - Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island," is serving six months' unsupervised probation after allegedly being caught with marijuana in her car.  [The dope this time wasn't Gilligan, so keep your snide comments to yourself, Skipper.]

She was sentenced Feb. 29 to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation after pleading guilty to one count of reckless driving.  [In an interview at the time of her incarceration, Mary Ann said that while the fines and legal fees were covered by her generous millionaire friend Thurston, the conditions of her incarceration included "not a single luxury...  Like Robinson Crusoe, it's primitive as can be."]

Under a plea agreement, three misdemeanor counts driving under the influence, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a controlled substance were dropped.  [This was due in large measure by the Professor's expert testimony in which he cast doubt on the singularly illicit purpose of these items, demonstrating that, together with a conch shell and a palm frond, they could be fashioned into a shortwave radio.]

On Oct. 18, Teton County sheriff's Deputy Joseph Gutierrez arrested Wells as she was driving home from a surprise birthday party that was held for her.  According to the sheriff's office report, Gutierrez pulled Wells over after noticing her swerve and repeatedly speed up and slow down.  When Gutierrez asked about a marijuana smell, Wells said she'd just given a ride to three hitchhikers and had dropped them off when they began smoking something.  Gutierrez found half-smoked joints and two small cases used to store marijuana.  ["Castaways," she described them.]

The 69-year-old Wells, founder of the Idaho Film and Television Institute and organizer of the region's annual family movie festival called the Spud Fest, then failed a sobriety test.  [In her defense, she was attempting to gain favor with the officer by imitating the graceful gait of her movie star friend, Ginger.  Unfortunately, being a simple farm girl, she hadn't yet gotten the hang of heels.]

Wells' lawyer, Ron Swafford, said that a friend of Wells' testified that he'd left a small amount of marijuana in the vehicle after using it that day, and that Wells was unaware of it.  Swafford also said several witnesses were prepared to testify that Wells had very little to drink at the party and was not intoxicated when she left.  He said she was swerving on the road because she was trying to find the heater controls in her new car.  [Ironically, the swerving of a different, similarly incompently-captained vehicle is what caused her to be trapped with a different handful of hapless individuals some years earlier.]

The unAlexploited version of this article originally appeared here:

Copyright 2008 "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the article, of course.
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