The NatioALEXaminer Stories

The following is an actual news story.  My comments in brackets cannot improve on the content, but it's better than my typing LOL endlessly.

Arkansas couple welcomes 17th child
By JILL ZEMAN, Associated Press Writer 8/3/2007
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - It's a girl  --again--  for the Duggars. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed their 17th child, and seventh daughter, into the world Thursday.  [The baby girl was followed naturally by the afterbirth, then a thoroughly exhausted and extremely prolapsed uterus.]

Jennifer Danielle was born at 10:01 a.m. at Saint Mary's Hospital in Rogers, Ark., the Duggars said in an interview. Jennifer weighed 8 pounds, 8 ounces and arrived five days after Michelle's due date.  [The baby is believed to have wedged herself into the confined space on the understandable assumption that it would be less crowded there than in a home with sixteen siblings.]

Less than 30 minutes after giving birth, the Duggars already were talking of having more.  [Because there's nothing sexier to a guy named Jim Bob than a gullible wife with a swollen and stretched midsection.]

"We'd love to have more," Michelle said, adding that the girls are outnumbered seven to 10 in the family. "We love the ruffles and lace."  [Note: Some small nations are similarly outnumbered by this family/cult and yet do not make policy around trivial aesthetic preferences such at these.]

Jennifer joins the fast-growing Duggar brood, who live in Tontitown in a 7,000-square-foot home. All the children  whose names start with the letter J  are home-schooled.  [ which they'll be taught an abstinence-only curriculum that they'll be collectively rolling their eyes over.]

The oldest is 19 and the youngest, before Jennifer, is almost 2 years old.  [However, the state has inexplicably failed to remove any of them from a home in which the chief pasttime is, well, pretty obvious.]

"We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him," said Jim Bob Duggar, 42, a former state representative. "We are just so thankful to him that everything went just very well." [God was unavailable for comment on account of the fact that HE IS AN IMAGINARY PERSON who, if he existed, would have cauterized Jim Bob's vas deferens with a bolt of lightning more than a dozen children ago.]

Jennifer joins siblings Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, almost 2.  [Ironically, the Duggars are against cloning because they somehow think it would be dehumanizing to have genetically identical humans stamped out like an assembly line.]

The family includes two sets of twins. [Though considered cheating by many, these "bonus rounds" (as the family refers to them) do not make them ineligible for any major entries in the Guiness Book of World Records.]

Michelle Duggar said that Joshua, Janna, Jill and Jessa were at the hospital, but that the rest of the family planned to visit their new sister later Thursday.  [Environmentalists note a sharp upward spike in CO2 emissions widely attributed to the multiple carloads trafficking splinters of the Duggar clan to and from the hospital to visit each new addition.]

Michelle Duggar said she started feeling contractions Wednesday night and went to the hospital at about 5 a.m. Thursday. [She knew she could take her time because the admission process was abbreviated to the attending physician saying, "Oh.  You again."]

"It actually went fast," she said. "I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes."  [Note that is takes Jim Bob about that long to have an orgasm in a vagina with the remaining elasticity of the unused condom he's had in his wallet since high school.]

Jennifer was born via a VBAC or vaginal birth after Caesarean, Jim Bob Duggar said.  [The proud father also recommends that in order to prolong the life of your uterus, you have it rotated once every 5 children or 50,000 miles.]

The Duggars have been featured on several programs on cable's Discovery Health Network. The next special, the Duggar Family Album, is scheduled to air next month, Jim Bob Duggar said. [This will be one of several specials highlighting the consequences of mental illness in America.]

Among the "fun facts" listed on Discovery Health's Web page devoted to the Duggars: A baby has been born in every month except June; the Duggars have gone through an estimated 90,000 diapers, and Michelle, 40, has been pregnant for 126 months  or 10.5 years of her life.  [Other interesting facts: Michelle Duggar ovulates more often than most people blink; summed, the parents' IQ is actually in the double digits, and only Madonna has had people in her reproductive system for more time than Michelle, though it should be noted that the vast majority of these were not relatives.]

Copyright 2007 "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the article, of course.
Back to the index