The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

12/1/07
Close to 40,000 Americans a year wake up during surgery
...then hit snooze and sleep for another hour or two

Dog attack ignites illegal immigration debate in New Jersey
...where local mob considers expanding dog attacks to all immigrants

Iconic daredevil Evel Knievel lived hard life
...when he wasn't in traction or physical therapy

Obama has complex history with lobbyists
...Contrast with Bush who doesn't understand complex history

Energy plan pushes automakers
...who are slamming on their brakes


12/2/07
Chad's defense minister dismissed after week of clashes
...though since he held up, I'd say he's doing a good job then!

Senate bill sparks power struggle to control ancient bones
...so that no one can use them to place curses upon politicians

Energy deal in Congress to push auto makers on fuel-efficiency
...so we don't have to push autos to the gas station

Union accuses NASA chief of tarnishing agency employees
...whereas without oxygen, they'd never tarnish

Clinton, Giuliani give rivals reason to hope
...so Merry Christmas or Kwanza or whatever

Japan's robots slug it out to be world champ
...and battle Godzilla invasion next year

Study explains diabetes drug bone fracture risk
...Cop shows explain drug dealer bone fracture risk


12/3/07
Report: Eight men claim to have had encounters with Sen. Craig
...but the rest are too embarrassed to admit they cavorted with a Republican

Mummified dinosaur may have been able to outrun T.Rex
...unlike Boris Karloff who just shambled after the heroine

Monitors say Russian elections were unfair
...Famous last words, point out historians

Chimps may have better short-term memory than human adults
...which is why they don't need that 'last channel' button on their remotes

Santa Claus has 34 microseconds at each stop, firm calculates
...so there's no reason why his metabolism should be so slow

Obama and Huckabee look to rewrite Iowa script
...in hopes the Cohen brothers with direct

Half of U.S. doctors fail to report medical mistakes, survey finds
...and yet are honest with survey takers?

Couples still view husband's career as more important
...with the exception of the Clintons

Divorce is bad for the environment, researchers say
...what with all the husband's things strewn across the yard

Christian groups slam new Nicole Kidman movie
...for obliquely implying they repress culture... like they're doing here


12/4/07
Aborigines armed with spears, sticks and knives riot in Australia
...to end gun control

Modern-day Bonnie and Clyde accused of stealing identities
...and got caught calling themselves Bonnie and Clyde

Credit card firms defend policies amid congressional criticism
...and want to change the name to Capital Hill

Italian court orders Tweety, Donald Duck to take witness stand
...on the grounds it is not a kangaroo court

Study: Losing virginity early or late tied to health risks
...So you're screwed no matter when you get screwed

Putin loyalists to hold sway in Russia parliament
...Opposition negotiates for the release of sway

iPhone tops list of 2007 Google searches
...from owners desperate for hacks and rebates

Nokia's unlimited music offer turns market on head
...phones

Fitness trumps fatness in longevity study
...as sand kicked in the face is a known carcinogen

FEMA trying to recover nearly $500 million in hurricane aid
...that is by now gone with the wind

China's 'one-child' policy, Internet blamed for rising youth crime
...because parents can't keep track of that many kids online?


12/5/07
A new way to fight massive wildfires: Water balloons
...invented by volunteer department run by fraternity

G.E. recalls 92,000 microwaves over fire hazard
...because included manuals failed to prohibit tin foil

Bush seeks to keep allies united on Iran
...as they steadily withdraw from Iraq

Brains become less coordinated with age, study says
...after viewing 'Dancing with the Stars' for a couple seasons

5,000-year-old Mesopotamian sculpture sells for record $57M
...meaning it has appreciated 0.002% annually faster than inflation so far

China finds panda fossils on tropical island
...are a good example to those pandas wishing to defect

Noisy toys may damage children's hearing: study
...when irrate parents box them in the ear


12/6/07
Petraeus: Violence in Iraq has declined 60 percent
...which brings it to about pre-Katrina New Orleans levels

Scientists say kangaroo's evolutionary predecessor did not hop
...as trance music had not yet been invented to hop to

Romney confronts voter skepticism on Mormonism
...saying he wants the majority of the country and a little bit rock 'n' roll

Romney, Clinton shift course in unpredictable race
...while Bush stays the course in predicable blunder

In slow economy, Iranian women becoming sole breadwinners
...Admittedly, it's unleavened, so don't get too worked up

Barbara Walters says she's tired of interviewing celebrities
...after making more actors cry than any living film director

Physical therapists prescribe Wii time
...the complete opposite of occupational therapy

Hairdresser finds bank vault plans in trash
...John Waters and Woody Allen vie to direct

Satellite reveals new insights about the origin of solar wind
...For one, you can't blame the dog for passing it

New Miss California crowned after an accounting error
...meant the bribes were not received by the judges in time


12/7/07
Group: Climate change, deforestation put Amazon forest at risk
...while American illiteracy epidemic puts amazon.com at risk

Scientists explain flying-saucer-shaped moons in Saturn's rings
...but conspiracy theorists will share their own ideas for free

Rice urges Russia to step up pressure on Iran
...because it's best to have another step on the land mine

Bonds heads to court to face perjury charges
...Proactive bailiffs begin taking steroids

Oil from South Korea spill expected to wash onshore
...which will reduce sales of suntan lotion considerably

Drum therapy helps special-needs children manage disabilities
...by teaching them to beat things before they encounter bullies

'Ugly' modeling agency: Pretty people need not apply
...as cover models for High Times need not be viewed sober

White House: Bush did not know about CIA tapes
...a frighteningly plausable alibi for most of his presidency

Back cluster bomb ban or face stigma: activists
...Related story: Activists disintegrated by cluster bomb

Pentagon plans unchanged by Iran report: general
...continuing trend of war without intelligence of any kind


12/8/07
Record-size spitting cobra found in Kenya
...which explains way so many marathon champs are from there

Cremator dumps half-burned bodies to save fuel
...though burning them as fuel is even more efficient

Dinosaurs' skin color remains a mystery to paleontologists
...after ACLU restricts inclusion of skin color in dino studies

South Korea's worst oil spill blackens coast
...when they only wanted it medium rare

Ang Lee's "Lust" gallops away with seven Golden Horses
...and appropriately Catherine the Great beneath one of them

Florida island takes up arms against iguana invasion
...Giant iguanas take up arms of those who get too close


12/9/07
Canadian retail chain pulls plastic water bottles from its shelves
...upon revelation they could just melt snow and make their own

Former Pakistani PM Sharif's party to run in January elections
...specifically he'll be running from assassination attempts, etc.

People in Mexico try to stretch clothesline for 29 miles
...with tin cans on either end and call it the 'El Internet Dos'

Lawmakers aim to reduce crowded runways at N.Y. airports
...by raising the speed limit for Greyhound buses

Parrot faces parking fine in Greek legal battle
...that looks to dwarf that whole Trojan War ruckus


12/10/07
Supreme Court allows shorter prison terms for crack cocaine
...since they seem much longer to those hopped up on the stuff

Mourners gather in Montana for Evel Knievel funeral
...in a crowd so big, even he couldn't jump over it all

"Missing" British canoeist's wife charged
...and now both are up the proverbial shit creek

Dave Matthews Band and Van Halen join ringtone rush
...composed of non-overlapping fan demographics, apparently

Christmas means spending time with family: poll
...or you could just look it up in a dictionary

Umbilical cord blood can help metabolic disorders
...such as vampirism

FBI supporting plan to build mob museum in Las Vegas
...since what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas for 15 to 30

Endangered Mongolian rodent species is captured on tape
...You know, those adhesive traps sold next to the poisons


12/11/07
Report: Climate change threatening penguin populations
...who are overdressed already

Iranian opposition says nuclear program is active
...for 10,000 years

Observations from NASA spacecraft show solar system is uneven
...prompting plastic surgeons to give estimates for augmentation

Hotel chain offers free rooms for Marys and Josephs at Christmas
...but asks that donkeys be parked outside

Court orders administration to preserve any evidence of torture
...though it can't threaten anyone with similar

Thousands of Santas in Northern Ireland try to break record
...Related story: Northern Ireland experiencing eggnog shortage

China claims progress fighting human trafficking
...by only allowing production of one human per family


12/12/07
Newly found part of Milky Way rotates backward, study finds
...Astronomers christen it the Mississippi system

Scientists discover how pregnant women keep from tipping over
...while players expertly tip over fertile ones

Philadelphia police confiscate cocaine-filled Christmas cards
...and set their sights on questionable 'snow globes'

Republican rivals find lots of agreement in debate
...and count on similar groupthink to get them elected

Bush vetoes children's health insurance bill for second time
...bringing approval numbers lower than a first-grader can count

'Danger: Avoid Death' notice wins wacky warning label contest
...Darwin Award to be given posthumously to accidental discoverer

Romney says attacks on religion go too far
...Meanwhile attacks from religious extremists keep up in Iraq

Ike Turner dead at 76
...so it's his turn to be black and blue


12/13/07
Rescue workers save man from car dangling six stories up
...who obviously refused to ask directions to the off-ramp

Canadian museum unveils skeleton of long-lost dinosaur
...Note: Most dinosaurs are long-lost

Federal authorities reportedly probing Sharpton's finances
...to find out who is responsible for doing his hair

Captain Kidd shipwreck found in Caribbean, researchers say
...equal in value to Johnny Depp's salary for next 'Pirates' movie

Democrats call for taxes on wealthy at Iowa debate
...since there are no wealthy to alienate left in Iowa

New images released of world's first face-transplant patient
...in catalog for those who have everything else already

U.K. artist Damien Hirst donates pickled cow to Tate gallery
...cafeteria

Bamboo PC is eco-friendly and looks nice too
...except for when it overheats and takes the house with it

Web browser firm files complaint over Microsoft
...since Windows crashes too much to allow surfing

Astronauts to inspect space station for meteorite strike damage
...after negotiations with meteorite union failed

Domestic battery charge dropped against former Creed frontman
...Note when battery charge drops, switch to alcohol to refuel it

Democrats call a brief truce in 2008 campaign fight
...to approve funds for Republican-backed wars elsewhere

Senate approves trimmed-back energy bill to boost fuel economy
...which itself only got better mileage by being more compact

Japanese scientists genetically engineer fearless mice
...which will undoubtedly soon be featured in anime

French store uses dancing men in underwear to sell clothes
...Prompting anorexics to seek work in restaurant industry


12/14/07
Strangers rescue woman pushed onto NYC subway tracks
...but regret it once they get to know her as well as whomever pushed her

Sportswriters urge MLB to end culture of 'cheaters'
...even though that will give them less to write about

Huckabee leads Republicans in South Carolina poll
...but Jesus leads Republicans in most else

Intel said to increase chip market lead
...Doritos shares down 11% at market close

Some 3,800 young people homeless in New York: study
...none of whom sing like those kids in 'Rent'

Survey: 1 in 5 homeowners expect home price drop
...The rest will be caught unawares


12/15/07
Bush administration urges judge not to ask about CIA tapes
...in rare show of support for the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy

Indian girl born with eight limbs to head home after surgery
...so that she can lay her eggs before winter really sets in

Nations agree to reach global warming deal by 2009
...because it's just too chilly to concentrate on at the moment

Fed officials plan to crack down on abusive lending practices
...because they're more like abusive taking practices

New system makes bad-weather flying easier for pilots
...It involves a bloody Mary 30 minutes before hitting turbulance

Film-maker Zeffirelli vows to help Pope with image
...as role in 'Revenge of the Sith' set him back a bit

Iranian band plans concert with Chris de Burgh
...where he'll play his hit 'Lady In Red (Burka)'

Public greets Mitchell's steroid report with shrug
...of its over-developed deltoids


12/16/07
Compromise reached at Bali climate talks
...They'll set the thermostat just below scorching

Clinton, McCain win big newspaper endorsements
...Unfortunately, their needed voters read the web instead

Celine Dion wraps up five-year stand in Las Vegas
...World hopes motto holds and she stays in Vegas

Experts offer tips on best gifts for children
...but parents mostly wish they had gifted children

Yankees' Pettitte admits to using growth hormone
...to compensate for teammates calling him 'Petite'

Romney deflects flip-flopping charges
...some days but not others


12/17/07
Report: 26-year-old Florida woman has at least 10 husbands
...and is consequently *really* good at faking a headache

Pakistan hunts for plane plot suspect who escaped from custody
...They're checking the airports first, obviously

Winter storm strands travelers, causes jet to skid off runway
...So travelers aren't going anywherem but the planes can't help but go

Lieberman endorses McCain for president
...thus changing McCain's chances from remote to nil

Small explosion reported at Fox building in NYC
...as lastest Democrat polls makes Bill O'Reilly''s head explodes

Storm leaves Northeast buried in snow
...Presidential race doing essentially the same

Images of violence seen in 'death star galaxy'
...but they happened a long time ago, far, far away

Apple launch of Leopard system its best ever-group
...Contrast with Vista which critics describe as 'spotty'

Dad's sale of pot-smoking son's game sparks Web debate
...over wether smoking pot or playing GHIII = bigger loser

Study: Chimps equal college students at mental math ability
...and beat 94% of them at beer pong as well


12/18/07
Spending on cell phones surpasses land lines
...now that everyone but you has an overpriced iPhone

Hollywood writers will not work on award shows
...nor earn any for doing nothing this year

Astronauts take spacewalk to inspect parts
...Walks along a nudist beach will accomplish same

'Sopranos' creator testifies about show's creation
...before going into the witness protection program

Congress to hold hearings on steroid use
...just as soon as barriers across from senators are reinforced

Striking writers target Oscars and Globes
...but probably won't receive any nominations

Hasselhoff and ex-wife settle bitter custody battle
...but he alwas solves his problems by the end of the episode

Researchers: Vacuum cleaners kill fleas as well as any poison
...Related story: Biting incidents rise sharply pet owners

Clean-up for Bay oil spill to exceed $61 million insurance limit
...which is even more expensive than the price of unspilled oil


12/19/07
100 arrested for not having toilets
...and will now be forced to share theirs with cellmate

Hamas appeals through Israeli media for cease-fire
...which is their idea of comedy during the US writer's strike

Skateboarding teens find baby abandoned in dumpster
...Disney currently in negotiations with prospective directors

Protest staged at trial of woman accused of stealing monkeys
...by fundamentalists oblivious to the irony

Ohio man erroneously receives natural gas bill for $5,559.60
...which gave off a suspicious odor, naturally

Family rescued after three days lost in mountains
...Wife to divorce husband who refused to ask directions


12/20/07
Thieves steal Picasso painting in three-minute heist
...which was almost as long as Picasso took to paint it

Bill Parcells signs four-year deal to lead Dolphins' operations
...in spite of the fact he has no training in vetrinary medicine

Safety top reason for buying children cell phones
...Ironically, kids don't care who they give their numbers to

Patrick Dempsey named "Star Of '07" by People mag
...after decision was apparently handled by 'spin the bottle'

Tobacco and poverty drive cancer in developing world
...just like they do in the States

New polls show Democratic race in a dead heat in Iowa
...else the locals would freeze this time of year

Poll: Airport security among the least-liked federal agencies
...because they don't even buy you a drink before frisking you

U.S. probes chocolate makers for possible price fixing
...before we'll need them to help fix relationships on 2/14

Man uses 8,000 pounds of gingerbread to build house
...and an equal amount of rat poison to keep it standing


12/21/07
Former Cold War borders fall away in new Europe
...as they are melted by global warming

New York lost most jobs among states in November
...in spite of most celebs being out of rehab or jail

New Orleans boom: Three bowl games
...though city is best suited for water polo

Van Halen, Bertinelli divorce finalized
...so he can go back to fighting with diamond Dave

Report: Baron Cohen offing Borat, Ali G
...in an attempt to pander to untapped Republican demographic

Nuns leave their brains to science
...after lifetimes of abandoning science to superstition

Army contractor iRobot wins patent suits
...after threatening judge with armed hoard of robotanks

China raises 800-year-old sunken ship
...that capsized under weight of lead-laden toys

Nepal's goddess stumbles into modernity
...the day people stop believing her


12/22/07
FBI aims to build world's largest biometrics database
...which will need frequent updating with this obesity epidemic

'Boy Meets World' star arrested on drunken driving warrant
...so read your own irony in the title

Main rebel group in Nigeria declares brief Christmas ceasefire
...because they're hoping for something in kevlar under the tree

Tsunami-hit Sri Lankans thank the gods for cinnamon
...because it's water soluble

Luxury jeweler sues supermodel Heidi Klum in NY
...in a case of the karat and the stick


12/23/07
Independent groups spend millions on candidates
...in hopes they'll get them something next xmas

Americans falling behind on credit card payments at alarming rate
...Specifically, somewhere between 18 and 36%

Catholicism overtakes Anglicanism as Britain's top religion
...Note, however, that only 6% of them actually go to either church

Agencies enlist beauty salons to help battle domestic abuse
...instead of just applying a layer of base over the signs of it

More researchers find way to get stem cells from skin
...However, blood from turnip problem confounds scientists

CIA withheld al Qaeda tapes: paper
...which suggests we torture the CIA to release them

Britain's Queen Elizabeth goes global on YouTube
...whereas many teens go postal online instead

Beef from Safeway may have had salmonella: USDA
...which will force the company to change its name


12/24/07
Bush seeks to restore U.S. image abroad with heavy '08 travel
...which shows how little time he wants to spent in the States

U.S. military allowing married couples to serve, live together
...because they're always on the verge of killing someone

Most travel goes smooth on Christmas eve
...according to Santa, who has the advantage of magic

Some parents don't realize their children are obese, study finds
...because they broke the scale several grades ago and haven't been weighed since

Kyrgyzstan touted as ideal delivery hub for Santa
...after he outsources the elves jobs to Bangladesh


12/25/07
Many conservatives still undecided in Iowa
...on what century to roll things back to in 2008

Afghanistan expels U.N., EU officials on security charges
...when repeated after-school detentions had no effect on them

Help for immigrants divides congregations
...into separate sevices conducted in Spanish and English

Russia launches final satellites for its own GPS
...which won't tell you where you are, just the government

Report: New Orleans population nears 300,000
...in spite of residents' efforts to kill one another off


12/26/07
Musharraf, Karzai pledge increased cooperation on intelligence
...Bush excluded from deal due to obvious lack of intelligence

Survivor of Panama plane crash airlifted to hospital
...to add psychological injuries before treating the physical ones

Russians celebrate holiday with plunge into sub-zero water
...However, vodka doesn't freeze until much lower temperatures

Device may turn toxic waste into electricity, engineers say
...Note: XBox does essentially the opposite

Paris Hilton's grandfather to donate majority of fortune to charity
...since it's just turned Paris into an anorexic convict accidental porn star

McCain acknowledges steep hill in Iowa
...and thinks it would be a good spot to grow corn on


12/27/07
NY judge bars Sean Connery, neighbors from suing each other
...forcing Connery out of retirement to sue them as James Bond instead

Toddler survives screwdriver to the head without serious injury
...since he was still under waranty at the time

Clogged valve cited in New York steam pipe blast
...Newly discovered steam-proof substance to be used on bathroom mirrors

Zoo director says tiger wall was low
...All that was needed was the sound of a can-opener

Pakistanis in U.S. fear for homeland
...instead of expressing gratitude to be in civilization

Book argues that Bell stole phone idea
...after rival faxing the plans to the wrong number

Winehouse summoned to Norwegian court
...though no one expects her to get there in a straight line

Prison inmates dislike unstylish pajamas
...but is okay wearing them around his knees


12/28/07
Arsonist burns Bush family's former childhood Texas home
...increasing Texas carbon emissions by 0.000000000000001%

Poll: Angelina Jolie voted top celebrity humanitarian of 2007
...Madonna trailing distantly by three differently-colored kids

Miss France allowed to keep crown despite suggestive photos
...since she obviously needed at least *something* to wear

Striking writers union reaches deal with Letterman
...to continue to supply him with his trademark bad jokes

Messy Kosovo breakaway stokes fear of partition
...and concerns over how to split the phone bill

Fukuda brings new warmth to China-Japan ties
...though a scarf is maybe a better for informal wear

Nepal parliament votes to end monarchy
...but fails to override veto by the king

Ancient pyramid found in central Mexico City
...after being stolen, taken across border, and left at a chop shop

Sean Penn and wife Robin to divorce after 11 years
...on grounds he abused her whenever she picked up a camera

Student wins lottery, leaves school
...since he can aford tickets for truency now


12/29/07
Father says his child's MP3 video player came with pornography
...and wants to know why they skimped on his

China's massive dam project causes new worry for residents
...You might even say they're pretty dam freaked out

Ancient mammoth carcass arrives in Japan for study
...as an alternative to conventional beef tataki

Hamas urges Egypt to open Gaza border to pilgrims
...as it will make for great competition against our Thanksgiving story

High-fat, high-carb meals more harmful to obese
...possibly because they eat huge proportions of them

Studies show yoga has multiple benefits
...mainly for guys who like meeting flexible women

Protest by human rights advocates could disrupt Rose Parade
...Great worry: Plant rights activists call event a holocaust

7-year-old boy to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro for charity
...and to basically show up all the 30-something testoterone victims


12/30/07
World's oldest orangutan dies at Miami zoo at age 55
...where he'll be mourned by other retired Florida primates

Georgian president faces democracy test in upcoming election
...and, no, it's not Jimmy Carter

Swarms of jellyfish sting 300 swimmers at Brazil beach
...as Flashmob internet phenomenon transcends species lines

Times Square New Year's Eve ball to mark 100 years
...as opposed to the 10 seconds is usually does

After nine years, many Venezuelans still await Chavez' changes
...after eight years, Americans can't wait for a change from Bush

Bill and Hillary Clinton question Obama's experience
...with women, considering they've each had more than him

Rain may keep Atlanta from breaking record for most arid year
...but farmers refuse to boo it with the rest of the crowd

"Holy smoke" in nunnery tops 2007 weird news
...since it was caused by a sister burning her bush

Huckabee stands by decade-old 'Christ' comment
...No surprise given that he stands by millenia-old dogma

India offers 'wombs for rent' as commercial surrogacy grows
...though 'vaginas for rent' slogan likely to bigger boost for tourism

Hester's two touchdowns for Bears end Saints' playoff hopes
...Reality check: Putting on the uniform ought to realistically end their hopes

'Parallel universe' theories continue to intrigue scientists
...because in some of them they might be considered cool (theoretically)


12/31/07
Giuliani says the terror threat is still real
...More so than his presidential chances, evidently

Wife accuses sports anchor of adultery during Olympic event
...and he makes the team after running 100-yard dash faster than contenders

Motorcycle daredevil to attempt record-setting jump
...in which he'll break more bones than even Evel Knievel

Republican candidates vie for third place finish in Iowa
...which sounds a lot like a welfare situation, really

Vonage and Nortel patent settlement will allow cross-licensing
...after crossing wires in the wireless business

North Korea misses deadline to declare nuclear programs
...so they aren't allowed to bring them through customs

Woman who tried to shoot President Ford released from prison
...since he is protected by six feet of dirt between her and him

Digital album packaging should improve in 2008
...as it will be made of the same material as the Emperor's new clothes

"God doesn't do waste," says archbishop on YouTube
...a site that wastes terabytes of bandwidth hourly

Restless legs syndrome increases heart disease, study finds
...in spite of the free exercise it affords sufferers

France ushers in smoking ban in restaurants, cafes
...leaving country with nothing to mask their undeodorized musk

Baltimore Ravens fire head coach after disappointing season
...Quothe the mascot, 'Nevermore!'


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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