The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

11/1/07
Hollywood writers and producers break off talks
...when it's realized writers really have nothing to say

Edwards calls on Democrats to show 'backbone'
...though they show more than that at the Oscars

Bush: Questions to Mukasey on torture "unfair"
...but torture itself?  That's perfectly legal, of course

Holograms bump models from New York catwalk
...since the only thing lighter than anorexia is light itself

Joe Strummer rocks again in new documentary
...He rocked before, ask confused critics

Clinton rallies against 'all-boy's club' politics
...because it's fun having a girl in the Oval Office

Minuteman group grows amid illegal immigration fight
...but not at the same rate as the illegal population

Fashion student creates world's most expensive dress
...which is a multiple of the student loans she owes


11/2/07
Six passengers sue American Airlines for discrimination
...Not seven, because they kept the minority out

'Dog' Chapman's son sold conversation to tabloid
...because all celebrities have a price on their head

Dallas Zoo to transform animal droppings, tree limbs into energy
...that will power the monkey house attractions

Entertainment on Web could bloom with Hollywood writers strike
...or without it, duh

Heavy flooding in Mexico forces thousands to flee
...or just the proximity of the United States

Stock futures slip ahead of jobs report
...because no one placed a Wet Floor sign there

Scientists build world's smallest radio from single nanotube
...so good luck getting that song out of your head now

Report identifies source of phony pre-war Iraq intelligence
...whle Fox News continues to be post-war source of phonyiness

Venezuela Congress OKs lifting Chavez term limits
...Bush wants him to serve to end of his life, but only if that's next week

Entertainment on Web could bloom with strike
...because writers will have nothing to do but surf the net


11/3/07
More foreign-born maids working in U.S., experts say
...because American-born ones are to lazy to clean up

Sean Connery settles suit with golf club
...as he could reach it faster than his gun

Astronauts prepare for risky spacewalk
...in which they'll try several of Michael Jackson's moves

Massachusetts plans new heroin overdose program
...as the fastest way of reducing the number of addicts

McCain putting an emphasis on border security
...but wants to keep our troops ourside our own borders

Researchers say goodbye to beloved chimp
...since everyone knows how to say that with signs

Reunited Van Halen parties like it's 1984
...since they've been preserved in alcohol for years

Diabetes "coach" may help diabetic teenagers
...to make better shots?


11/4/07
Teacher arrested in Mexico, boy released
...as part of program to keep the country uneducated

Russian pensioners protest against high food prices
...which unfortunately works up an appetite

More liberal arts colleges embrace engineering students
...Not that engineering students are into being embraced

Police officers learning how to extend beats online
...by using sampling software instead of turntables

Judge rejects key evidence in NASA astronaut case
...for no having been quarantined after splashdown


11/5/07
Pirates persuaded to abandon fishing boats off Somali coast
...by telling them goldfish aren't actually made of gold

Food and water running low on Mexican coast
...confirming stereotypes Mexicans are too lazy to fish even

Groups: Urgent action needed to regenerate Sherwood Forest
...Suggestion: Steal trees from richer forests to repopulate that one

U.S. weighs options in Pakistan crisis
...one of which is measured in kilotons

Oprah "cleans house" at her South African school
...Yeah, get a black woman to do it.  Progress?

Space shuttle Discovery ends 11-day stay at station
...because it took that long to gas up

Without enough sleep, children gain weight: study
...unless they're jumping on the bed

Queen Elizabeth in fashion top 50
...to give you an idea how bad off England is

Police arrest top Sicilian mafia boss in Italy
...Mafia gets to goof off for 20 to 30 years

Gates, Hu remain at odds over China's military modernization
...and think they should only use gunpowder in the fireworks

Teacher accused of running away with boy appears in court
...because she couldn't find a substitute

Scientists hope virtual reality game will help addicts
...Meanwhile gaming addicts are encouraged to switch to heroin


11/6/07
Pakistan police block lawyers from leaving court
...because there's no room for them in the jails

Bankers expect more pain for U.S. economy
...as S&M fetish sites are driving the porn industry

Iraq sees smaller chance of big Turkish offensive
...So, sorry, no Turkey by Thanksgiving

Space shuttle crew prepares for homecoming
...but pin on corsage ruptures spacesuit

Chicago most caffeinated U.S. city: survey
...Ironically, Mexico City is windiest on account of the beans

Most Radiohead fans paid nothing for latest album
...but want the hour of their life back for listening to it

NASA scientists discover five-planet system orbiting star
...By contrast, J.Lo's entourage has about 60 orbiting the star


11/7/07
Security forces in Afghanistan struggle to rein in Taliban
...but the changes of rein in the desert are slim to none

Homeless man charged with having phone sex in N.Y. church
...Defense argues he was called by God

Study links birth control pill to higher risk of heart attack, stroke
...among the boyfriends of women who forget to take theirs

Calif. court considers medical marijuana case
...Verdict will be held in a long time, then released slowly

Chicago police investigate use of taser on elderly woman
...as means of helping them across the street faster

Hybrid owners face risk of electrocution after accidents
...except in those states that use lethal injection

Bush personally tells Musharraf to hold elections
...since he can be president no matter what the voters say

Clinton candidacy sparks women's interest: poll
...So it isn't just Bill that attracts the ladies


11/8/07
London calls for slimmer Santas to discourage child obesity
...Better yet, how about coal instead of chocolate this year?

Georgia's president calls for early elections
...because they couldn't vote the night the lights went out

Reagan library missing thousands of valuable items
...in an ironic exhibit of how national debt works

NASA urged to study catastrophic threats from large asteroids
...after letter from Kaczynski implies one will be coming by mail

Impact of Hollywood writers strike grows quickly
...With nothing but reruns, the rest of world gets back to work


11/9/07
Bhutto under house arrest in Pakistan
...admittedly, it's safer than going out

Two detained for Afghan suicide bombing
...approximately six feet under

Early reviews praise Sex Pistols' reunion concert
...Of course, they couldn't help but improve with age

Minnesota may offer financial aid to bridge collapse victims
...in the form of toll tags

Ingredients for salad dressing found in ancient shipwreck
...commissioned by young Paul Newman

Man forgets car at gas station
...after inhaling too many fumes

Girl born with eight limbs conscious, smiling
...and scaring the shit out of little Miss Muffet


11/10/07
Broadway strike may darken theaters
...which will reduce the need for lighting directors

Japan urges employers to help combat high suicide rate
...leading employers to get stressed about additional job demands

Bush-Merkel talks span the globe
...when they find a cell plan with no roaming charges

Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto free from house arrest
...but faces thousands of dollars in late fees from Blockbuster

Pakistan plans to lift state of emergency
...but will likely get a hernia as a result

Atlanta residents angered by neighbor's high usage of water
...because he refuses to take his insulin instead

Slovenia set to elect leftist president in runoff
...In other words, the leftest of the leftovers


11/11/07
Study suggests that quiet heroes rely on a deep sense of duty
...but we're just guessing since they don't talk much

Disabled theme park visitors sue Disney World over Segway ban
...which is ironic considering their own rides have left some disabled

Bush marks Veterans Day in Texas
...Actually, the 'k' is a misprint

Space shuttle rolled out to launch pad
...and that crazy astronaut chick is rolled out to pasture

Sheep, shark and beef in newest Hirst work
...after crossing picket line of lions, tigers, and bears


11/12/07
Four detained in Rome soccer riot
...by clearly the world's most amazing goalie

Striking stagehands, producers trade barbs
...that they picked up from stars' understudies

Fire breaks out at London Olympics site
...when the Olymic torch brushes meets lycra jumpsuit

Pakistan bars Bhutto's planned protest
...which just gives her all the more reason

Rocket, mortar attacks in Iraq reach 21-month low
...Rocket, mortar retailers offer great deals as incentives

New calculations find universe weighs less than thought
...in spite of much binging down its black hole

Volcanic eruptions may have killed dinosaurs, research suggests
...in subpoenaed testimony under questioning from comet's attorney

Prehistoric women had passion for fashion
...that would have given PETA a stroke

Survey says gift cards are popular, but many go unused
...because no one actually shops at the Gap anymore

Strike rewrites rules in Hollywood
...although that's the only writing going on there

World's smallest bear faces extinction in Southeast Asia
...as Goldilocks encroaches on its habitat


11/13/07
Bhutto calls on Musharraf to resign
...after finding how fun being at home is

N.Z. quarantines 223 after passenger displays bird flu symptoms
...so thanks for ruining it for everyone, Mr. Birdman

Expert says 90 percent of Earth's species still unclassified
...thanks to being regarded as security threats by the Bush administration

Rice accuses Iran of spreading 'violent extremism' in Middle East
...which fundamentalists edge toward same in the Mid West

Record number of chlamydia cases reported in U.S., officials say
...in spite of incarcerations of Paris Hiltor and Lindsey Lohan

Microsoft CEO sees opportunities for growth
...as Vista only takes up half the average hard drive

Schwarzenegger moves backstage in writers strike
...as the pen is mightier than Conan's sword

Monkeys can distinguish unfair situations, researchers find
...but aren't given access to phones to reach their lawyers

Scientists in Oregon claim to clone monkey embryos
...but they turn out to be sea monkeys from the toy store

Judith Regan sues ex-employer News Corp. over firing
...which ironically earns them money since they're reporting on it


11/14/07
U.S. says not worried about Pakistan nuclear weapons
...since we'll get new call centers when they wipe out India

Broadway strike talks ahead
...when they get back from intermission

Airport screeners missed bomb parts
...that could have come flying at them in a blast

Magnolia bark in mints or gum can eliminate bad breath
...that sometimes costs beavers a goodnight kiss after a date

Musharraf to resign army chief post
...rather than take a Secion 8 discharge

House passes $50 billion Iraq withdrawal bill
...but no ATM will allow a withdrawl of that size


11/15/07
U.S. general says roadside bombs down sharply
...as opposed to blowing up sharply as they're designed

Study identifies genes linked to development of diabetes
...by their thick coating of tasty frosting

Sect holes up in cave to await end of world
...which would seem like they'd be gone too, right?

Virulent form of cold virus spreads in U.S.
...by those who still like stamps on their xmas cards

Map to better health care: centralize, organize
...for carpool trips to Canada

Ethiopian adoption agency backs Angelina Jolie
...while breast-feeding groups front her

Clinton seeks to rebound at Las Vegas debate
...It's a gamble


11/16/07
New breast cancer predictor dazzles leading medical experts
...who are otherwise jaded after seeing breasts all day long

Singapore bans Xbox game containing human/alien sex scene
...that their prostitutes just couldn't compete with

Number of bullying cases reported in Japan rises sharply
...leaving Mr. Miyagi to train scores of victims for their rematch

Judge opens Jena Six defendant's trial to media
...because they'd never get reporters down there otherwise

Firemen told to abstain from sexual bribes
...because their hoses are needed to fight fires

Full moon will soon overshadow large comet, astronomers say
...though technically the problem is the opposite of shadowing


11/17/07
Section of Eiffel Tower staircase to be sold at Paris auction
...Those trapped at the top scramble to raise funds to buy it back

'Sex and the City' actor Chris Noth to become a father
...and star in sequel: 'Sex and the Consequences'

Musharraf faces U.S. pressure to end emergency rule
...else he'd be as unpopular as Bush for trying the same

Scandal-weary sports fans take another hit
...of steroids to help them recover faster

Screenwriters, studios to renew talks
...but need someone to put words in their mouths

"Beowulf" takes early lead at box office
...then swims channel and kills the monster

Volunteer firefighter in California blazes was a convicted arsonist
...who found novel way to combat his addiction


11/18/07
Rare collection of U.S. prototype coins sells for $30 million
...Observers feel winner was short-changed

Ancient flood may have helped the spread of farming in Europe
...and fishing as well, at least temporarily

Good night's sleep key to strong memories, studies suggest
...unless it's due to passing out in the first round of a drinking game

"Beowulf" slays bees at weekend box office
...Note: Technically bees shouldn't even be able to fly

Kucinich joins annual protest of U.S. Army training school
...Rivals tag him 'anti-education'


11/19/07
Israel approves release of prisoners ahead of peace conference
...so they can go out and monger up some war

Environmental researcher sees benefits in 'vertical farming'
...such as placing plants closer to the sun

Video of Spears running red light submitted
...and will be in heavy rotation on Mtv next week

Israel approves release of prisoners ahead of peace conference
...though having them loose on the streets may not be peaceful

Watchdog: Countries committing rights abuses to fight terrorism
...Two wrongs doesn't leave much of the Bill of Rights

Wives with bigger paychecks do less housework, study finds
...mainly because they can afford more time with their masseuse

Algeria says suspect held with 800 kg explosives
...Actually, 1kg handcuffs would have held him securely enough


11/20/07
Homemade cocaine-smuggling sub
...in the xmas' FAO Schwartz catalog

Wildlife experts in India use hot chilies to repel elephants
...and all but the most masochistic foodies

China launches new push to slow population growth
...because the old push was in, well, guess

Pope says groups "promoting" abortion in Africa
...while his 'no-condom' policy promotes AIDS worldwide

Snow white smoking nude sets Latam sculpture record
...and send confused Disney execs into a fit

Heart disease death rates no longer dropping
...which means the patients still are

Southeast Asian leaders adopt charter
...while infertile Americans adopt Southeast Asians

Romulus, Remus' Roman cave may have been found
...so the deal letter office can deliever milllenia of accumulated mail

Cost of Thanksgiving dinner up 11 percent from last year
...because you have to add a tip when you go to a restaurant

Polygamy leader Jeffs sentenced to prison
...where he'll be one of his cellmate's wives

Nintendo offers new DS bundles ahead of holiday
...to save you time and money you'll waste on games

Denver voted city with biggest boozers
...without even taking altitude effects into account

"Oz" Munchkins get Hollywood star
...which is known to astronomers as a white dwarf

It pays to count - pedometer study finds
...and blackjack players agree

California sues 20 companies over toys with lead
...in attempt to turn lead into gold


11/21/07
Record number of holiday travelers expected
...so better put out another bowl of nuts and more egg nog

Pakistani parties waver on boycott of elections
...Pajama parties waver on boys they like this week

Relief camps overrun in Bangladesh
...Relief workers wish they could get some

German scientists seek the next generation of Einsteins
...in a plot that sounds like something Einstein was fleeing

Official: Musharraf may quit army by weekend
...on a Section 8 issued by the civilized world

Abstract painting found in trash sells for $1.2 million
...since no one can tell it's stained by surrounding garbage

Oddball white dwarfs embody new category of star
...and their agent hopes to find them work outside 'Jackass'

"Rock Band" takes on "Guitar Hero"
...much like Van Halen takes on [insert lead singer here]

Huckabee rides evangelical wave in Iowa
...which means he's walking on (holy?) water


11/22/07
Japan pledges aid to Asian nations to fight climate change
...by teaching them to turn off their woks and eat their fish raw

'Science Guy' Bill Nye seeks restraining order for ex-fiancee
...to negate the principle that opposites attract

Press freedom takes a turn for the worse in Niger
...after one reporter badly misspells the country's name

Parents must watch kids online, Toronto police say
...because there aren't enough pedophile to watch them all

Heather Mills McCartney says world's rich are 'snobby'
...because one of them won't give her all her lawyer asked for


11/23/07
Sharif to try again to return from exile
...after being defeated by the big boss on the last level

Romantics sue Activision over 'What I Like About You'
...Testimony to detail precisely the opposite about defendants

More Americans are exercising, CDC report finds
...except for those forced to compiles reports on exercise

Man describes how he won 69 Guinness World Records
...from his hospital bed between physical therapy sessions

Shopping season expected to be weakest in years
...as global warming negates need for socks and sweaters

Black Friday shoppers largely ignore toy recalls
...because they'll be fighting to find presents in a few weeks


11/24/07
Sleep problems plague older Americans, study finds
...beginning the day their kids get their license

Eagles say they would have retired if not for their new album
...prompting mass burnings of their new album

Astronauts to finish wiring space station's newest room
...for the most interesting Wii gamespace yet

Hulk Hogan's wife reportedly files for divorce
...on grounds he body slammed guys instead of her

Interactive Web videos clicking with bands
...whereas the rest of us just watch viral videos

Obama touts health care expansion package
...noting that black men always offer a large package


11/25/07
Social Security becoming key issue in 2008 race
...never mind those wars that depleted it

Broadway producers, striking stagehands to resume talks
...after the star finishes soliloquy just before the intermission

Study finds students will buy healthy lunches at school
...if bullies don't get to them first

Thompson proposes simplified flat tax plan
...following in the footsteps of other failed candidacies

Mexico invests millions to protect monarch butterflies
...leaving democratically-elected butterflies to fend for themselves


11/26/07
Firefighters make progress in Malibu
...especially with ladies who like guys with a big hose

James Bond movies create recruiting headache for British service
...who unfortunately lack a license to kill the franchise

Illegal immigrants not U.S. health care burden: study
...since only the heathiest survive the trip across the desert

Gates grant seen helping wipe out polio
...while Windows remains vulnerable to countless viruses

MySpace plans Facebook-style news feeds
...for those who can't get their stalking news fast enough


11/27/07
Japan launches 'catch-and-eat' drive to eliminate bluegill fish
...and note that it's Japan so you don't even have to cook them!

Supreme Court to release audio tapes of Guantanamo case
...because Americans just wouldn't read the book version

Food Network canceling 'Emeril Live' show after 10 years
...after being described as bland, stale, and tasteless entertainment

Musharraf prepares to shed army uniform
...and give lap dance to anyone with a $20

Iran says has built new long-range missile
...to deliver nukes it supposedly isn't working on

Iceland best place to live, Africa worst: UN
...unless you happen to have seasonal affective disorder

Wine may calm inflammation in blood vessels, study finds
...similar to the effect of beer goggles

Amy Winehouse cancels remaining '07 tour dates
...so she can concentrate full time on her drug habits

Teens take bullying to the Internet, study finds
...where suddenly the nerds have the upper hand

NASA unveils new high-definition map of Antarctica
...that will be outdated before Gore's next media appearance


11/28/07
Democrat John Edwards supports the striking television writers
...but no one's watching the re-runs his ads are airing between

Japanese dentists unveil high-speed dental ID system
...to help Americans tell them apart

Sarkozy calls Paris riots 'unacceptable'
...Rioters call 'Off with his head!'

Rockwell's Santa expected to fetch $3.5 million at auction
...by someone unwilling to wait for the calendars to be discounted next month

Slovaks seize 1 kg of radioactive material
...with lead-lined gloves on, of course

U.S. obesity rates level off: government study
...Actually, the scale just won't go any higher

Britney and Paris top Santa's naughty list
...but he'll give them some underwear anyway


11/29/07
Prostitute auctions sex for charity
...instead of selling it to those who only get charity sex otherwise

Sharon and Ozzy auction off some Osbourne "objets"
...like troublesome daughter Kelly

Missing college student apparently led double life as porn star
...and can't be returned without incurring a late fee

China: 'Erroneous' U.S. actions have harmed ties
...but a country with that much silk could fix them all

Graveyard shift work linked to cancer, scientists say
...Admittedly, the very name should have been a clue


11/30/07
Doctors want government to regulate Americans' salt intake
...and plan temperance movement to get a new prohibition going

Striking writers picket Carson Daly for resuming production
...However, the jokes are just as stale as before the strike

Presidential campaigns to air first negative ads
...since this is sort of sweeps week for politicians

Ex-GM CEO Roger Smith, subject of 'Roger and Me,' dies at 83
...thereby dashing Michael Moore's hopes of a sequel

Lab will boost Europe's status in space
...meaning the superrich will want homes there

Mafia boss arrested while watching Mafia TV show
...which was tape-delayed else he'd have seen them coming


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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