The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

10/1/07
Agriculture official: U.S. beef 'safest in the world'
...but Indian cows are safest from butchers

USGS tracks longest non-stop flight ever for land bird
...which doesn't last as long as many airline flight delays

Austria holds man with explosives near U.S. embassy
...but better to hold him far away from anything

Playing with blocks helps with language, study finds
...On the other hand, writer's block is just the opposite

Court rules former U.S. presidents can't withhold records
...which doesn't give Bush much time to shred


10/2/07
Urban birds may be tougher than rural counterparts, study finds
...so they're better sautéed than baked

Air security to scrutinize remote-controlled toys
...to figure out how to get planes launched on time

Blackwater defends actions in Iraq
...though they're better know for being on the offensive

Congressman questions Blackwater's work
...as opposed to Blackwater who shoot first

Study ties mothers' low cholesterol levels to premature births
...since obviously less blockage means they pass easier

Role of Revolutionary Guards growing in Iran
...Their agent actually got them speaking parts

Brands, not designers, star in fashion's new era
...while the models remain too thin to be noticed

U.S. guide helps parents make decisions on ADHD drugs
...but they'll never get around to reading it while the tv's on


10/3/07
Myanmar troops hunt pro-democracy protesters
...after putting it to a vote what they'd hunt that day

North Korea agrees to declare nuclear programs
...Rest of world agrees to declare North Korea legally insane

Groups sue Target over making Web site accessible to blind
...since those who shop for clothes there clearly are

Spicy chili smell leads to road closures, evacuations in London
...but authorities expect food to back to normal blandness shortly

U.S. and Russia sign pact to hunt for water on Mars, moon
...and the Bering Strait

Court rejects bid to make polygamy easier
...as it is inhumane to gag even one wife

FDA explores behind-the-counter drug sales
...while DEA explores under-the-counter drug sales


10/4/07
North and South Korea seek peace treaty to end war
...as opposed to?

Crews rescue 1,700 trapped miners in South Africa
...which are more plentiful than diamonds at the moment

Physicists unravel the mystery of how knots form
...in unpublished Far Side comic strip

Senator Craig vows to stay in office
...as opposed to airport bathroom stalls

Eat fish while pregnant, U.S. experts recommend
...and obviously have oysters if looking to conceive

Opening of US Embassy in Iraq delayed
...much like that country's culture


10/5/07
Democrats want to see interrogation memo
...and will torture anyone they need to to get to it

Iran's capital split between liberal, hard-line lifestyles
...whereas DC is split between liberal and closested lifestyles

Job creation rebounds in September
...just aas leave creation begins to ebb

Pakistan to delay declaring election winner
...until the military is sufficiently armed

Study ranks Finland as world's greenest country
...as they envy warmer countries more even than the Russians

Study: Bird-flu virus mutating to a strain more easily spread
...except in states where evolution has been outlawed

Bad driving, littering among top 10 rude behaviors
...Number One: Survey takers annoying everyone

Customs find beetles stuffed with cocaine
...decades after Japanese police find Beatles stuffed with pot

Postal Service unveils stamps honoring five journalists
...whose work is ironically mailed pre-paid bulk


10/6/07
Romney is his own biggest campaign donor
...and tops friends' presents to him on his birthday too

Japanese bureaucrat reprimanded for Wikipedia habit
...Contrast with Marion Barry.  Discuss

Bonaduce won't face charges over Fairplay incident
...on grounds Fairplay's name was too ironic

Officer uses BB gun to save skunk stuck in jar
...from 50 feet away instead of opening it with his hands

New prototype cell phone keeps track of user's health
...in addition to adversely affecting it like current models

Britney Spears names new album "Blackout"
...after the missing chapters she'll never write in her diary


10/7/07
U.S. housing slump hits home furnishings industry
...prompting Martha Stewart to relapse in insider trading to get by

Belgium insists Dutch, French-speaking parts are not splitting up
...and plan to adopt a third-world baby to prove it

Shuttle crew lands in Florida for launch practice
...though technically they must have a few hours earlier

Malaysia stands firm on dress code for performers
...by which part of Malaysia is the question

Mexican president criticizes U.S. border fence
...because it blocks his view of the neighobors skinny dipping


10/8/07
Olmert sees long road to peace deal with Palestinians
...with lots of armed checkpoints along the way

'Designer mice' used by scores of researchers
...who realize scientific conferences are popularity contests

Pamela Anderson weds: media reports
...though it is unclear who dropped the hat

Obstacles remain as Libya slowly opens door to tourists
...because who would fly with Libyans when you leave?

Study: Employees with difficult bosses rebel by slacking off
...according to researchers with tolerable bosses, else they'd never be read


10/9/07
North Korea marks anniversary of first nuclear test
...and third month since first mutant babies were born

French woman on trial for vandalizing artwork with a kiss
...Note: Lipstick vandalizes marriages too when applied to collars

Divers discover shipwreck off Alaska
...and catch pneumonia

Oil rebounds sharply after U.S. predicts colder winter ahead
...unless you're Al Gore

U.S. parents want safer toys, but will cost them
...but safer birth control is cheaper in the long run

Hard disk pioneers win physics Nobel
...but then lose it in a crash

NASA probe discovers lightning at Jupiter's poles
...not that you'd be golfing there

Beauty queens take off their tiaras
...and a lot more to have won in the first place

Widespread weight loss may reap health benefits
...whereas weight gain merely leads to wide spread

Migraine pill may help alcoholics taper off drinking
...or at least help with hangovers and they don't

Kiefer Sutherland to serve jail time on DUI charge
...trumped up by the vengeful Chinese government, of course


10/10/07
Study: Public and private school students test at same level
...but questions remain as to who cheated off whom?

Thompson sticks to script in first GOP debate
...after his agent says it will win him an Emmy

Security firm defends guards' actions in Iraq
...Prosecutors take cover

Earth getting wetter and stickier
...'That's hot,' says Nobel Peace Prize winner Paris Hilton

Adobe Acrobat, Reader vulnerable to hacks
...since much published in that format was written by same

Hospital staff suspended for viewing Clooney chart
...and finding out he's really Batman

Indiana Jones tops poll of most anticipated movies
...Go on.  Name another


10/11/07
Owner of Internet suicide site arrested in Japan
...whereas suicidegirls.com models strip-searched daily

Britney Spears files motion to expand visitation rights
...while the public wishes we didn't have to see her anymore

11,000-year old Syria wall painting resembles modern work
...and there's been as much political progress in that time as well

Muslim scholars call for peace, understanding with Christians
...which are mutually exclusive, much like oxymoronic 'Muslin scholars'

Researchers create glue based on toe pads of tree frogs
...for Post-it notes that work better than fly paper

Smokers may find redemption on cell phones
...as neither should be allowed in restaurants

6-year-old boy says he won't drive to Applebee's again
...because they didn't have any Happy Meals


10/12/07
Six-figure bonuses retain US commandos
...Good field medics help in many cases as well

Animal rights activists urge Miss Universe to shun fur
...Judges urge her to shun clothes altogether

U.S.-Russia missile defense talks fail to bridge differences
...that are broader than an ICBM's range

Blind athlete hopes to set record at U.S. Open Triathlon
...for the farthest off-course of any competitor

Vatican releases secret archives on Knights Templar
...from Crusades which similarly found no WMD in Mid East

Sen. Kennedy has surgery on neck artery
...which failed to allow enough vodka to reach his brain

Americans know Big Macs better than Ten Commandments
...and place Gluttony as favorite Deadly Sin

Gore: Award puts focus on global warming
...Media: Gore might run for president!


10/13/07
Bush-Democrats budget fight up next
...after this word from Haliburton

France to triple number of video surveillance cameras
...after realizing how good some of their women look

Increase in faith-based prison programs comes under scrutiny
...since Guantanamo is filled with those accused of faith-based crimes

Study: Many patients can't name drugs they are taking
...especially those taking them for Alzheimers

Student spelunkers in Texas found safe
...Tom Sawyer spelunking found gold, but no safe

Dentist claims breast rubs appropriate
...because it got the patient to bare her teeth

Everest beckons more Japanese seniors
...because it's large enough to be seen even with their eyesight


10/14/07
U.S. trio wins Nobel economics prize
...Note to rest of American: Trio = 1 + 1 + 1

Sen. Craig to file appeal
...at the next interstate rest stop he can

Cancer death rates dropping fast
...reads alarming headline to dyslexics

Gore blazes eco-trail
...reads confusing metaphor

Pelosi to push child health plan
...now that Congress is sufficiently dialated

Drunken priest punches cop, jailed
...but denies it was still wine since he transmuted it first

Crews search for missing autistic hiker
...find themselves walking in circles


10/15/07
Putin confirms Iran trip despite assassination plan
...since being in Russia isn't exactly living

U.S. military: No evidence soldiers desecrated Quran
...Now the reverse, on the other hand...!

Rice: Mideast peace a priority for Bush administration
...which is why he's working on his third invasion

Chinese leader pledges to make communist rule more inclusive
...and good luck resolving all the paradoxes in that headline

Hezbollah, Israel in partial prisoner swap
...For example, just the hands of those imprisoned for stealing

Rice: Now is time for Palestinian state
...but Puerto Rico stays a commonwealth

McCartney likens divorce to "going through hell"
...or, in other words, listening to Oasis' back catalog

Researchers find fearful looks get brain's attention fast
...such as telling them their funding has been cut

AOL reportedly to cut one-fifth of global work force
...because they waste too much time on the internet


10/16/07
Maritime pirate attacks increase worldwide
...after Johnny Depp sets bad example to a generation of kid

Scientists find that some fish suffer from insomnia
...as many can't shake the feeling they're being watched

Activists build houses of recycled bottles in Bolivia
...as opposed to using them as Molotov cocktails

Scientists genetically alter trees to vacuum up toxins
...but the trees still stay they don't do windows

Indonesia's Mt. Kelud volcano threatening to erupt
...if it doesn't get back on Prozac soon

Dalai Lama jokes China criticism 'always happens'
...and is inevitable as reincarnation and taxes

Apple's new operating system to hit stores Oct 26
...Trick or treat, wonder members of the Mac cult

Foxy Brown pleads innocent to BlackBerry attack
...saying never have been charged if it was a WhiteBerry

U.S. soldier granted conscientious objector status for religion
...but denied the Darwin Award he should be earning in combat

Irish writer Anne Enright wins Booker Prize for family saga
...that might have been averted if Catholics believed in birth control

Putin warns against attacks on Iran
...as though their own president didn't do that already

As violence falls in Iraq, cemetery workers are earning less
...so every sivler cloud has a dark lining, apparently


10/17/07
Turkey expected to approve incursion into Iraq
...codenamed Operation: Turkey Stuffing

George Lucas plans TV series spinoff of 'Star Wars'
...so fans can enjoy new material at home with their toys

No campaigns, only one party in Cuban elections
...then again, Cubans do know how to throw a party

Experimental malaria vaccine works in babies
...Good thing scientists finally found a use for babies

Republican presidential candidates unite against Clinton
...since that's the only thing they agree on at the moment

Blackwater likely to be out of Iraq soon
...Now if only the military would screw up like that


10/18/07
Bush sending adviser to Middle East
...since he's as likely to listen to advice there as anywhere

Research suggests that Martian volcanoes may not be extinct
...but should be considered endangered for the time being

Record number of countries bid for foreign film Oscar
...which should amount to a hefty bribe this year

Three Iraqis injured in latest security shooting incident
...proving that being Iraqi can be hazardous to your health

Judge revokes Britney Spears' visitation rights
...because all kids get enough of her on tv and the web

GOP candidates trying to 'out-conservative' each other
...while other conservatives just 'out' themselves in police stings

Iraqi leaders grapple over hanging for 'Chemical Ali' and others
...when the gas chamber would be far, far more ironic

Coppola chides three Oscar-winning actors for being 'apathetic'
...in interview about the first movie he's released in a decade (<-true story)

Republicans fight over conservative credentials
...but most agree credentials should include a photo ID

Solo games live on in multiplayer world
...See, for example, internet porn


10/19/07
Scientists find that elephants can smell danger
...which are elephant trainers' middle name

I.R.S. will require poker tournaments to report winnings
...since the players are so good at hiding their hand

Evita legacy helps Argentine first lady's campaign
...by giving her a catcchy theme song or two

Reid-Limbaugh spat raises $2.1 million for children
...to help defer deficit left by Bush's child insurance veto

New research shows birth order can shape your destiny
...see also: the Monarchy

Biographer: Charles Schulz led secret life of misery
...which was foisted on his readers' with unfunny comic strip


10/20/07
Team of German students wins solar home competition
...The grand prize: One-way trip to the Sun on a V-2 rocket!

Panel: Kids shouldn't use cold medicines
...since their parents need a swig to wind down most nights

Questions remain about housing secretary
...such as what's his home address

Hollywood's film and TV writers authorize union to call strike
...to help cover the fact they're suffering from writer's block

Giuliani tries to assure religious conservatives
...that he cheats on his wife as much as the rest of them

Sexual misconduct plagues US schools
...since it inflates more than just cherrleaders' grades

Dog DNA study reveals new role for protein
...It's not just for Alpo anymore


10/21/07
Wildfire forces evacuations in California
...destroying even offers to option its story

China's vice president steps down
...as if the guy wasn't short enough already

Wind-driven fires plague Southern Calif.
...Alternative energy companies vow to capture wind

Broadway stagehands give union authority to call strike
...Theater managers counter that the fat lady hasnt yet sung

Colbert says his presidential run is no joke
...at least compared with supposedly serious campaigns

Pentagon's record contract: a recording error
...Nelly's recording contract: The same

In New Hampshire, health care sways elderly votes
...just as their pelvis breaking causes them to

Turkish troops head toward Iraq border
...in search of a Falafel Bell

Retirements of air controllers surge beyond expectations
...causing the oxygen masks to deploy from overhead compartments

U.S. stocks head for lower open
...on which they'll scrape their heads if they don't duck


10/22/07
SoCal wildfires force thousands to evacuate
...their bladders in futile attempt to put out the fires

David Copperfield cancels upcoming shows
...to practice his escape act with the police

Iowa could turn tables in presidential race
...but charts and graphs remain unturned

Tuition and fees at U.S. colleges rose 6.6 percent this year
...well above the blood alcohol of the average freshman pledge

U.N.: Iran needs three to eight years for bomb
...We can deliver ours to them in 30 minutes or less

Whole grain cereals cut heart failure risk: study
...by giving you lots of exercise running to the bathroom

Gore a winner at Oscar-style Quill awards
...but contenders demand a recount

Seinfeld's wife accused of plagiarizing cookbook idea
...in lawsuit about (guess) nothing

Italian journalist speaks out about living on the Mafia hit list
...but not loudly enough to give up his position

Religious right canít agree on presidential candidate
...since Jesus refuses to accept the nomination


10/23/07
Alzheimerís research shows well-educated lose memory faster
...which makes higher ed even less of a bargain

Turkish foreign minister rejects cease-fire
...in favor of "return fire"

U.S. might delay activating missile defense sites in Europe
...to give enemies time to catch up

Stolen painting found in trash could fetch $1 million at auction
...whereas opposite is true of most Warhols

Nokia says content key in boosting cellphone use
...so they're offering gossip hotlines if your friends have none

California fires disrupt TV shoots
...so there is a silver lining after all!

Rice acts to boost oversight of security contractors in Iraq
...so now we have to watch them *and* the Iraqis

WHO sees boost in production of flu pandemic vaccine
...I don't know; you tell me


10/24/07
French lawmakers pass controversial immigration bill
...by smuggling it past customs officials at the border

Formidable construction job awaits astronauts
...who have to go much higher than most roofers

Oil prices extend decline
...or get better mileage, you might say

Newlyweds gain more weight than those who remain single
...because, hello, cake!

Iran calls U.N. nuclear sanctions 'just a pile of papers'
...U.N. calls Iran a fire hazard


10/25/07
Fires create electricity "island" in San Diego
...but ironically provide light to read by

Brain regions responsible for optimism located
...somewhere in the sand

Diddy says assault claim overblown
...much like claims about his talent

Calif. fires leave behind widespread devastation
...not even counting trees pulped to print insurance claims

Survey: One-third of Americans under extreme stress
...from being pestered with needless surveys


10/26/07
Turkey: U.S. objections will not stop Iraq invasion
...pretty much the same as with Bush any other time

One million baby seats recalled in U.S. over head injuries
...despite protests by conservationists to save the baby seats

Oprah Winfrey's Africa school faces abuse allegations
...for setting example that guests should jump on couches

Hundreds of 'missing' black holes found, scientists report
...where they were harrassing white dwarves

Tour de France organizers revamp rules for 2008 race
...to state that anyone but Lance Armstrong can compete


10/27/07
Chad says signed definitive peace with rebel groups
...in order to avoid becoming a hanging Chad

With Katrina in mind, Bush views Calif. fire damage
...and thinks how he could really use all that water now

Spears' L.A. hit-and-run case dropped
...like she must have been and her kids repeatedly have

Early Harry Potter edition fetches $40,000
...roughly equal to the library fines accumulated on it

Gene switch altered sex orientation of worms
...say scientists who would do anything for a date


10/28/07
McCain: Giuliani deservedly popular
...although popularity with the ladies hurts him politically

Gap vows action after child labor report
...such a marketing khakis like Hitler wore

Coal use grows despite warming worries
...in hopes tropical Earth with bring back dinosaurs

Internet pioneer leaves oversight group
...to start up a porn dot com

'Superbug' concern at New York schools
...where kids think it's just a sequel to 'Superbad'

Wildfires hurt California tourism
...not that California is hurting for smog right now

Edwards unveils plan to control drug advertising
...by giving sedatives to pharmaceutical reps

Lack of drought plan in Georgia riles critics
...because of the night the water went out in Georgia


10/29/07
Nearly 40 percent of births not registered, WHO says
...but, really, they're unregistered.  How would they know?

Key talks to clarify Iran's nuclear activity resume
...Actually, Giger counters would clarify things faster

NASA may extend shuttle flight over malfunctioning joint
...at least until their dealer can get them replacement joints

Research: One in 10 high schools in U.S. are 'dropout factories'
...which are one of the few things we still produce domestically

Saudi king accuses Britain of terror failures
...for not exporting as much terror as it imports

Researchers to sell naming rights to new species of butterfly
...which will likely be called Microsofticus pepscio

Weight-loss scams top form of fraud: FTC
...though they do make your wallet thinner

Price of MIT professor's "$100 laptop" hits $200
...but the eBay auction for it still has a few hours left for bidding

U.S. welcomes Egypt's plan to build nuclear power plants
...based on reuptation of how long the pyramids have lasted

Too few medical students receive wartime ethics training
...but most stay in school precisely so they won't have to go to war


10/30/07
Most teens don't know state consent laws
...prefering to assume if there's grass on the field...

Navy doc accused of secretly taping sex acts faces court martial
...so that the evidencecan be reviewed over and over and over

Use of cholesterol drugs rising rapidly among young adults
...who get a 'natural' high from oxygen actually reaching their brains

Study: TV raises blood pressure in obese children
...by showing frequent examples of obese children being bullied

Yahoo adds media playing, languages to messaging
...so it can be that much more annoying a medium

Berlin student finds baroque painting hidden inside old sofa
...while looking for change to order a pizza

Experts discover salamander-like imprints in museum rock
...that indicate the critters are sneaking into exhibits at night

U.S. team heads to North Korea to help disable nuclear complex
...but their inferiority complex remains intact


10/31/07
Federal Reserve expected to cut rates
...Many wonder why it's called a reserve

Moderate earthquake rattles Bay Area
...as community is shaken by anything right of liberal

NASA tackles space station's power problems
...when someone points out they aren't grounded

Researchers in Missouri decode most of domestic cat's DNA
...to see if they shared the same gene for curiosity

Republican field still up for evangelical grabs
...but not the kind that got Jim Baker in trouble

Airline brings lovers down to earth
...after their innauguration in the mile-high club

Bargain nip and tuck draws tourists to S. America
...but they'll need new passport photos for the return trip

Tropical Storm Noel heads toward Bahamas
...to create a tailwind for birds heading that way for winter


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
Back to the index