The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

9/1/07
Four lottery tickets win estimated $330 million jackpot
...Who wants to bet the winners couldn't do that math?

Mexico's Calderon approval stays at 65 percent
...whereas the rest support Bush

Pope says Mother Teresa felt "God's silence"
...but endorsed checks in his name just the same

Gynecology group slams cosmetic vaginal surgery
...but most men aren't that picky and will slam any vagina

Schwarzenegger pushes universal health care for California
...in bid for longshot Democratic presidential nomination


9/2/07
Felix becomes hurricane in Caribbean
...with the least intimidating name ever

Iraqi PM says U.S. criticism sends 'signals' to militants
...that can only be blocked with tin foil hats

Race for the White House kicks into high gear
...and below the belt

Maliki says U.S. fails to appreciate Iraqi achievements
...other than the fictional ones about imaginary weapons programs

Dodd says U.S. risks repeating 20th-century mistakes in Iraq
...a country that has been repeating 13th-century dogma

Wildlife agencies concerned by drop in number of U.S. hunters
...and wonders who's thinning out their population

Mexico's Calderon protests U.S. crackdown on immigrants
...because Mexico is obviously an authority on law enforcement


9/3/07
Bush makes surprise visit to Iraq
...but not to announce army's surprise trip home

Russian grocery owner reportedly to be space tourist
...thus effectively ending space tourism's luster among the rich

High-tech gadgets on display at IFA promise simpler life
...once you read the 800 page manual to configure the options

Hello Kitty goes traditional for Japan's youth
...but in the younger USA, it's already traditional

Men and women may need different heart treatments
...the latter preferring chocolate, for example


9/4/07
Tourists flee as Felix nears
...because Hurricane Oscar can't be far behind

Nazi hunters criticize slow German justice system
...but, hey, who took 60 years to catch them?

Construction spending falls by largest amount in six months
...since it wasn't braced properly

Australia marks first anniversary of Steve Irwin's death
...with a Darwin Award endowment in his name

Twin hurricanes packing dangerous winds
...but have a permit to carry them

Fred Thompson to run ad during GOP debate
...but most will be watching Law & Order reruns instead

Men chase beauty, women money when picking a mate
...says lazy reporter who can't be bothered to find actual news

Whoopi Goldberg debuts on "The View"
...though she's never been a particularly enjoyable one

Sen. Larry Craig reconsidering his decision to resign
...along with his sexual orientation

Indians aiming to break more Guinness World Records
...after helping break global population records daily


9/5/07
Congress to grill housing regulators
...at annual White House barbeque

Citrus sodas' caffeine content tops cola
...but scurvy among drinkers is much lower, of course

Sen. Craig reconsiders decision to resign
...after Log Cabin Republicans pass him support under the stall

Chemicals vials found at U.N. may be harmless solvent
...since they were discovered in the janitor's closet

Group sees more sex and violence in TV family hour
...and can't bring themselves to change the channel

Hyping safety problem is a sickness, China says
...possibly brought on from ingesting too much lead

Collision between two asteroids meant doom for dinosaurs
...because they couldn't afford insurance, dropped medical, and the rest his prehistory


9/6/07
Thompson announces candidacy on 'Tonight Show'
...and will reveal platform on 'Entertainment Tonight'

GOP hopefuls clash with Paul over Iraq
...and rob Peter to pay for tax cuts

Spears plans comeback at MTV Awards
...where the average viewer has never heard of her

Groups say Osama bin Laden planning new video on 9/11
...Hey, just in time for the MTV Awards!

Study finds young U.S. Jews distance selves from Israel
...to be clear of the shrapnel


9/7/07
Toddler study proves humans are smarter than apes
...since apes were too stupid to get funding for their own study

Southwest Airlines pulls woman from flight for 'revealing attire'
...after pilots found to be pulling their sticks at tthe sight of her

Virtual schools growing for elementary and high school students
...Tardy slips emailed to those students who arrive via dial-up

Transcript: Bin Laden urges U.S. to convert to Islam
...because fundamentalism has obviously done wonders for his corner of the world

Giuliani says illegal immigration is not a crime
...Ummmm.  Wha?

No more Iraq funds without limits: key Democrat
...who don't want US gov't to turn into a welfare state


9/8/07
Bin Laden urges Americans to convert
...so he can become a televangelist over here

More U.S. universities offering gay studies classes
...so some students can continue what they do most evenings in the daytime

Vogue magazine set to launch Indian edition
...to advise which color dot looks best with your complexion

Schwarzenegger aims at Republican center for 2008
...with laser-sighted surface to air missle

Sony seen needing consistent PS3 strategy
...and should check out the strategy guides for their games


9/9/07
Police: Israeli neo-Nazi ring busted
...and sent back to the bad Twilight Zone episode where they belong

NYC's ground zero offers lessons for New Orleans
...not that New Orleanians can ever be educated

Bin Laden appearance stirs uneasiness in Arab world
...when he arrive's wearing J.Lo's old Versace dress

Congressional investigation of TB case cites security gaps
...large enough for infectious sputum to pass

Iraq war becomes battle of statistics, graphs
...in which Bush lacks the intelligence to keep up

Evangelical leaders hesitant about Fred Thompson
...Yeah, tv's so evil they'd never use that instrument of the devil

DEA: Terror groups raise funds through drugs
...Note: Greatest purveyor of scare tactics = DEA


9/10/07
Senator Craig will try to withdraw guilty plea
...after having screwed the worst person yet: himself

Entrepreneur goes to court for right to webcast cockfights
...on grounds that lots more cock circulates the web

Bullet-proof helicopters play key U.S. border role
...by ensuring only bullets get across the border

Viking queen exhumed to solve mystery
...of what costumes are appropriate for Wagnerian operas

Most women own 19 pairs of shoes -- some secretly
...but those women have no soles

Petraeus' testimony calm amid protests, debate
...because it's nothing compared to being in Iraq


9/11/07
Candidates in London's mayoral race expose class divisions
...Also exposed: Class multiplication tables and fractions

Court to decide whether Super Bowl striptease was indecent
...by how many judges touch themselves under their robes

Researcher: Chocolate is a 'desirable' food, but not addictive
...However, researcher's friends confide she is an addict in denial

AMD CEO bullish on new chip
...Stock rise, of course, on bull chip news

NASA's robotic rovers on Mars begin risky drive into crater
...to boost flagging ratings lost to psycho astronaut road trip news


9/12/07
Mental disorders rising rapidly in the Asia-Pacific, expert says
...partcularly among former contestants of Japanese game shows

Scientists find parasitic star that feeds off nearby companions
...Tabloids identtify the star as Lindsey Lohan

London becomes most expensive capital city for dining out
...in spite of the fact we're talking about English cooking

Five Atlantic City casinos to make gambling areas smoke-free
...so that it will be easier to spot cheaters from across the room

Stick-thin still in for models at NY fashion shows
...since it takes less material for designers to cover them


9/13/07
Study finds that curly hair tangles less than straight hair
...but it's fun to try in either case next time you have a threesome

Analysts: West should not rule out talks with al-Qaida
...but try to do it from outside the probable blast radius

Egypt faults U.S. for inactivity on Mideast peace
...but, uh, we're kinda busy in the region at the moment

Dark matter key to formation of first stars
...In fact, most stars reveal dark parts in their memoirs

Verizon to drop Bob Marley ringtones after dispute
...when customers complain their servive be jammin'


9/14/07
Emotional investors make better decisions, study says
...so let the wife handle the finances when she has PMS

White House: Iraq slow to meet key goals
...but Bush is afraid to cast the first stone on that one

Scientists link loneliness and weak immune systems
...but it's a good thing they have no one to catch colds off of

Man charged in attack on former 'Top Chef' contestant
...hasn't requested a last meal yet

FBI asking for tips after possible gangster-fugitive sighting
...Mtv viewers organize round-the-clock watch for him

California bans teenagers from using cell phones while driving
...forcing most to stay home and gossip in front of the tv instead

Genetic "barcodes" may cut illegal trade
...of mutant superheroes between Japan and Hollywood

Mindy McCready sentenced to one year in prison
...but will have white trashy street cred when she gets out

China orders judges to use death penalty more sparingly
...as they're finally getting the population growth under control


9/15/07
Auto worker talks continue past deadline
...which doesn't say much for their brakes

Vatican opposes removal of feeding tubes for vegetative patients
...because they need all the Catholics they can keep

Hunting, feeding plan for Bison sparks controversy in Wyo.
...but being in the majority, the Bison will likely carry the vote

Minn. firefighters save donkey trapped in well
...by putting out nearby fires to drain water in which it was drowning

Investment adviser asks if wealthy are necessary
...or whether they should be fed to the poor

Peter Fonda to auction off 'Easy Rider' memorabilia
...to cover cost of his elderly motorcycle driver insurance

Qaeda urges cartoonist death
...thus providing him with more material

Greeks go to polls in cliffhanger election
...Confused lemmings as well

Navigation devices set to take mass market route
...as there's a wreck on the interstate they'd normally take


9/16/07
Missile defense strains relations between U.S. and Russia
...where the latter hoped to deliver ICBMs

'Real Indiana Jones,' U.S. explorer Gene Savoy dies at 80
...after his electric wheelchair was outpaced by angry natives

Gates says U.S. wary of Syria-North Korea ties
...but they love Rush Limbaugh's line of neckware

Negative campaigning may boost voter turnout in U.S.
...especially among old-school wrestling fans

"Mr. Skin" cashes in on obsession with naked women
...same as 99% of the other sites on the web

More cities in U.S. cracking down on saggy pants
...in order to stem the latest crack epidemic


9/17/07
Ancient texts become key for studying climate change
...They're not just for making Republican policy anymore

Study: May-December couples boost life spans over time
...they have left together

Startup lets public test conversational Web search
...since a sentence is so much easier to type than just the keywords

Chavez threatens to take over private schools in Venezuela
...having apparently run out of other viable options to bully

Ex-bodyguard offers to testify that Spears used drugs
...but her public appearances already admit as much

McCain says his overall faith more important than denomination
...unless he was a Muslim, but he's not and just wants to make that clear, okay?


9/18/07
Knicks coach denies harassment charges
...but ref says he was over the line

Bush urges lawmakers to support troop levels
...instead of merely supporting the troops

Sen. Craig returns to Washington after scandal
...where he'll blend right in

Stem cells may help repair lungs in mice, study finds
...so they'll be free to leave droppings that infect our lungs

Romney launches anti-gay marriage radio ad
...that will surely give Howard Stern's audience a laugh

Student arrested, Tasered at John Kerry event
...Yes, in that order too


9/19/07
Study links tooth loss in elderly to dementia
...Demented researcher apparently confused about cause and effect

Scientists solve mystery of sea turtles' ocean hideout
...after offering an  informant all the shrimp he can eat

Bush calls for expansion of eavesdropping law
...so he can hear more people describe him as an idiot

Scientists doubt meteorite sickened Peruvians
...and thus refuse to sign doctor's notes to their bosses

Human ancestor had mix of primitive, modern traits
...since, duh, that's how evolution works, fundies

Google offers unified approach to interactive ads
...So do most web surfers: Ignore them

GOP blocks plan to give U.S. troops in Iraq more home leave
...in order to divide up the hate usually reserved for Ann Coulter

Dozens of bats infest dorm at Texas Southern University
...Students encourages to boost blood-alcohol levels to incapacitate them


9/20/07
Robot helpers fail to catch on with Japan's senior citizens
...who have seen enough of their grandkids' cartoons to know better

Applications for unemployment benefits show unexpected drop
...possibly because they're too lazy to even apply

Discovery of dinosaur 'nursery' sheds light on social behavior
...Specifically, that they weren't as vicious as today's playground gossip

New study could help develop anti-aging pill, scientists say
...It contains cyanide and, taken at the right time, leaves a good-looking corpse

Airline industry to stop issuing paper tickets next year
...as that's just more bulk to get off the ground

Mexico named as best place in the world to retire
...since corrupt officals there usually do so in their 30s


9/21/07
La. protests hark back to '50s, '60s
...pretty much like the infant mortality rates

Democrats proceed with Iraq legislation
...as Republicans receed in their support for Bush

Toy recalls put testing labs on overtime
...or playtime, depending on how you look at it

Blackwater back on Baghdad streets despite expulsion threat
...Ironically, expulsion means being put on the streets

Resolution condemning MoveOn ad passes in Senate
...instead of them taking the advice and moving on

First 'Do Not Call' listings set to expire in 2008
...You'll be reminded by phone, don't worry

Popularity of 'urban farms' spreads across U.S.
...except in the country, obviously

Moscow faces shortage of space in cemeteries
...Thanks, Stalin

GOP candidates appealing to NRA for support
...but Democrats only appeal to NRA for target practice

Fujimori to be extradited to Peru to face charges
...including some for his own shipping and handling

NASA spacecraft finds possible Mars caves
...where Arnold and the mutant rebels have been hiding

Hackers control PCs while users unaware
...Microsoft does similar to the market

Pakistan calls bin Laden threat 'ridiculous'
...and his hygine even worse


9/22/07
Sex Pistols frontman calls Police 'soggy old dead carcasses'
...whereas his band are 'soggy old re-heated carcasses'

Cuba's Castro looks healthy in new video
...that was filmed months before his likely death last year

Feds target Blackwater in weapons probe
...but very carefully since they shoot without provocation

Lawyer: Fake bomb charge an overreaction
...since the charges won't ignite on a fake bomb

Report: Women under-represented in large firm leadership
...Because they prefer being described as small and firm

Studies suggest new causes for collapse of Cherokee Indians
...though lately it's simply been too much alcohol


9/23/07
Italian medical professor: Pope John Paul II was euthanized
...I.e., they put the dogma to sleep

As Arctic ice melts, fight for control of trade routes heats up
...which only perpetuates the cycle

Democrat Clinton touts ability to fend off attacks
...thereby making herself a target, politically

Texas college offering masters degree program for ranchers
...that they'll have to take by correspondence

Bloodsucking, gender-bending bug surprises scientists
...because it wasn't in goth clubs where they expected to find it


9/24/07
Ahmadinejad arrives for New York visit
...and serves as a temporary human shield

Study: Lack of sleep doubles risk of heart disease
...as if insomniacs didn't have enough to keep them up all night

World energy revolution needed for climate: U.S.
...or how will we power our air conditioners?

Scientists: Germs taken into space come back stronger, deadlier
...and ready to take down any Martians who dare to invade our planet

Humans, bears clash in record numbers in western U.S.
...and yet reality TV is showing us has-beens dancing instead?


9/25/07
Microsoft reportedly discussing buying stake in Facebook
...in order to make it completely uncool to have an account there

Campaigns prepare for advertising blitz
...so get ready to set your TiVo to FFwd

Cubans walk out during Bush U.N. speech
...as opposed to building a raft or swimming for it

Blogger catches bad Los Angeles drivers in the act
...and writes nasty letters to them that none will read

Video game teaches kids about diet - then turns off
...much like kids do when playing any preachy media

Kiefer Sutherland arrested for drunk driving
...and had this to say: 'Dammit!  Dammit!'


9/26/07
House votes to expand insurance for kids
...all of whom will be left behind by Bush's veto

Doctors, fashion world divided over Italian anorexia ad
...Guess which want to give her a modeling contract?

Sen. Craig to attempt to withdraw guilty plea
...but will likely need it removed by a proctologist

Antiquities expert says Tutankhamun was not black
...in spite of all the bling

Iraq prime minister says flow of arms must stop
...and recommends tightening the tourniquet

Spector jury deadlocks, judge declares mistrial
...but fashion police press ahead with case against his hairdresser

Microsoft offers to replace damaged "Halo 3" discs
...but relationships wrecked by the game are your problem


9/27/07
Three drinks a day may increase risk of breast cancer
...More than that, and you'll expose them to be checked out by all

Climate talks draw world's biggest polluters
...in a string operation to ticket the litter bugs

Stretched thin by wars, U.S. Army wants $3B to expand forces
...Then just make fewer wars, Congress says

Poll: Blacks, whites in U.S. sharply divided over O.J. Simpson
...Note: O.J. especially enjoys using knives to divide white people

Morality police patrolling West Bank during Ramadan
...and the US the rest of the time

Afghan farmers growing marijuana as an alternative to opium
...as baby boomers reresent a larger market share than young musicians


9/28/07
Pakistani court allows Musharraf to run for president
...after military coup previously made him run for his life

Bush seeks new image on global warming
...because his current one is baked

Food tastes blander to people with eating disorders, study finds
...at least on the way down

Bill may shield kids from seeing violent movies on planes
...so they won't go all Bruce Willis on hijackers

Study: Teens working long hours are more likely to smoke
...Actually, they work those hours to afford their habit

Woman has baby in car after husband stops for coffee
...and will graduate college before he gets through the Starbucks line

Rescuers save bear dangling from Tahoe bridge for 24 hours
...but charge him in high-profile bridge collapse case

Group may become conservative version of MoveOn
...and call themselves MoveOnPoland

Palestinians committed to peace meeting: Abbas
...though most of region better committed to a psych ward

Gap: laptop with 800,000 job seekers' data stolen
...Company to change its name to Security Gap

High-carb diet may help you think faster
...so you can yell Jeopardy answers from the couch

Forty percent in U.S. have only had a Bush or Clinton president
...and most of the rest have only had Vicente Fox


9/29/07
Red Cross talks with Afghan kidnappers
...but probably won't get a donation out of them

Sex Pistols to play private L.A. club show in October
...because it's the only one with a wheelchair ramp to the stage

High-carb diet improves the speed of thinking, study finds
...because you aren't wasting brain power counting calories

Iran MPs brand U.S. army, CIA "terrorists"
...in case of the pot calling the kettle black ops

Chicago suburb tries to stop drivers with humor
...by installing anti-lock jokes at toll booths


9/30/07
Jenna Bush begins national book tour
...to find one at her father's reading level

India's storied tea industry falls on hard times
...because when life gives them lemons, they still make tea

Swede crowned world oyster-opening champion
...Cajun crowned wooden shoe-carving champ

U.S. embassy criticizes Senate proposal to divide Iraq
...as putting them out of a job

Chess champ Garry Kasparov enters Russian presidential race
...in hopes no computers will run for office before the election

Gingrich rules out presidential run
...leaving many comedians grasping for new material


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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