The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

8/1/07
Dow Jones agrees to be bought by Murdoch
...then the rest of the A-Team bust in an announce it's a sting

Researchers list 237 reasons for sex
...but girls just won't give it up for the nerds

69 miners rescued in China
...And you thought digging that far was a myth!

Artist takes two years to create city out of masking tape
...Like many of his kind, he says he was "stuck."

Canada urged to review legality of polygamy ban
...as winter is only six months away and a fuller bed is a warmer one

"Rock Band" takes top video game honor
...for Most Uninspiring Video Game Title

Lottery player wins twice by mistake
...proving even if you win the lottery, you're a loser

Fisher-Price to recall nearly 1 million toys over lead paint
...Many kids won't recall their ABCs over same


8/2/07
Most children with sleep problems prescribed drugs, study finds
...instead of parents just not fighting within earshot at night

Singer R Kelly to face child pornography charges in court
...and a multitude of parodies on YouTube

Russia plants flag beneath North Pole
...or as it is better know: The South Pole

Luxury car fender-benders can cost thousands
...even before the driver's lawyer gets involved

Red Hat delays release of Linux software
...Whereas MS releases early and faulty software cause the delays

Minn. bridge problems uncovered in 1990
...so the 'wait' definitely broke the bridge


8/3/07
More than 70,000 bridges rated deficient
...after being constructed by graduates of deficient schools

Oxfam says one third of Iraqis lack basic necessities of life
...such as freedom from random detonations of IEDs along the road

Service sector grows but at slower rate
...which will probably cost them their tip

Some companies institute 'adult recess' for employees
...though most already play 'hide and seek' with their bosses

Toddlers 'vocabulary explosions' develop naturally, study finds
...much like their much less anticipated gastroinstestinal explosions

Man. U signs nine-year-old after seeing video
...[Insert obvious Michael Jackson punchline here]

Judge sides with CIA in suit over Plame memoir
...after deciding he didn't want to look over his shoulder forever

Interesting news about the office workaholics
...they only stay late to have sex with the cleaning lady

For Chinese children lead can be inescapable
...They really are that slow

Library of books and DVDs to travel to Mars
...so there'll be something to do if you vacation there


8/4/07
More women take the wheel in U.S. trucking industry
...as it is a safer profession than truckstop hooking

Social networking sites have security flaws, hackers say
...For example, people stupid enough to accept random friend requests

Eagles putting finishing touches on new album
...while many wish Hell would just thaw again

NASA delays space shuttle launch a day for repairs
...to its reputation

U.S. issues new botulism warning for green beans
...but few affected since Americans don't eat veggies


8/5/07
India's Hindu nationalists slam U.S. nuclear deal
...which isn't a good idea if the safety's off

Japanese students aim for cell-powered car speed record
...In the US, most annoyed by drivers using cells in their cars

French rapper booed off stage for support for Sarkozy
...or maybe just what he tried to rhyme his name with

Plumber catches Barry Bonds' historic home run ball
...which, arguably, was propelled by a different kind of plunger

U.S. automakers' grip on key truck segment weakens
...because they didn't bolt the hitch on properly

"Doom" creator unveils its new video game, "Rage"
...Lawyers gear up to combat blame for next shooting rampage


8/6/07
Many Katrina evacuees fear never leaving FEMA trailers
...unless the goverment gives them boats for the next hurricane

Candidates line up to make 'Daily Show' appearances
...as guests and not just satire material in the form of archive footage

Birds may help trees grow taller by eating damaging insects
...in excahnge for a higher real estate for their nests

Coalition of left-leaning bloggers considers forming labor union
...as liberals consider this latest hobby to be actual labor

New fossils may provide evidence that life originated in ocean
...whereas old fossils still thing it originated in Genesis 6000 years ago

U.K. farmers may face huge financial losses over foot and mouth
...which turns their bank account head over heels

Blockbuster to buy movie download firm
...whereas many just download instead of buying movies


8/7/07
Endeavour carries teacher into space
...somewhere near where her blood pressure was before finals

GOP hopes to make inroads with Hispanics
...like by building a wall across roads into the country

Woman praying to get back stolen virgin of Guadalupe statue
...or at least her hymen

Pakistan may declare state of emergency
...on the grounds that they're Pakistan

Analysis: Edwards uses anger in campaign
...after seeing what it did for young Anakin Skywalker

Oil prices climb in Asian trading
...since they'll fry just about anything there

'Green' tech shops have a way to go
...but don't want to burn the gas to get there


8/8/07
Panel: No strong signs of plastic hazard
...In fact, they're kind of cheap and flimsy

Visitation to Yellowstone up
...so the bears should be fattened up by winter

Farmer attacks police with muck spreader
...Usually informants serve as muck spreaders in police attacks

So far, no evidence of drunk astronauts: NASA
...because you can't be falling-down-drunk in zero-G

"Genius" videos may hinder baby development
...meaning title is a sarcastic pejorative for parents who use them

Possible design flaw found in collapsed Minn. bridge
...namely that unlike roads on either side, it was built off the ground


8/9/07
Bush dismisses raise in gas tax
...as highly flamable piece of politics

Monster truck crashes into crowd in Illinois
...Police say Nessie wasn't even licensed to drive in the US

61 stars removed from Hollywood's Walk of Fame
...when a nearby black hole sweeps through the area

Farm town in California is nation's smoggiest
...thanks to tourists visiting Mr. Ed's birthplace and other attractions

Utah miners would face darkness
...every which way they turned

Global warming will step up after 2009: scientists
...who predict a GOP win in the election just before


8/10/07
Scavengers jobless as Costa Rica cleans up trash
...though many finding work in trash cleaning industry

Laura Bush and daughter to publish children's book
...on a level their father can read

Gay voters scrutinize Democrats in TV forum
...wondering who would ever dress like that?

Japan, U.S. sign deal on military secrets
...that may give us giant transforming robot jet fighters

American Red Cross defends symbol disputed by J&J
...Similar suit filed by ACLU on behalf of vampires


8/11/07
Universal to sell songs without copy protection
...that they probably couldn't give away regardless

Taxes trigger big drop in U.S. smoking: report
...as many count breathe after fining how much a pack costs

Bush and Sarkozy set for 'casual lunch' in Maine
...not that the former could handle anything more formal

U.S. Army launches new psychiatric program
...It's called a recruiting drive

Big Ben's hourly bongs fall silent for repairs
...but nothing stops Snoop Dog's hourly bongs

Lutherans to allow pastors in gay relationships
...as new marketing strategy to try to looker cooler than Baptists

Hard life and isolation for world's tallest man
...but no complaints on account of all the cleavage he's seen


8/12/07
New DVD format war frustrating for consumers
...because they don't see hi-def explosions except in prices

Hurricane Flossie expected to weaken before passing Hawaii
...because it will undoubtedly stop off and have a few drinks first

Scientists try new ways to predict climate risks
...but political scientists are best at identifying risks to the environment

Quitting smoking spontaneously may be best option
...to avoid combusting spontaneously with a cigarette in bed

Italian town to pay residents to lose weight
...by making them work through lunch for time and a half


8/13/07
Britney Spears' assistant subpoenaed in Federline matter
...Correction: Federline does NOT matter

General in Pat Tillman case seeks to defend himself
...though technically that would make him and infantryman

Texas power grid braces for record electricity use
...when the fall tv line-up premiers in a few weeks

GOP strategist Rove leaving White House
...which most agress is indeed a good strategy

Abraham Lincoln may have had facial defect, laser scans show
...hence his penchant for wearing unusual hats to distract from it

Americans know little about Latin America: poll
...because most of us don't speak Latin, duh!

Blind driver caught again
...because he didn't see the roadblock waiting ahead

Common vitamins no help for women's hearts: study
...so try chocolate instead

Cable channel TLC agrees to air Miss America pageant
...Ironically, it's the last channel the contestants would watch


8/14/07
California migrant workers struggle to find housing
...Many strugging with why migrants want a permanent place

Researchers develop battery that can be bended, twisted
...out of frustration when it runs out and you need it most

Young Europeans hold mixed feelings toward U.S., survey finds
...They hate Bush, but love our celebrities who hate Bush

Study: U.S. culture boosts immigrants' substance abuse risk
...so shame on us for keeping Cheeck & Chong movies in print

Mattel may announce second toy recall
...thus replicating the binge/purge pattern inspired by their Barbies

Scientist searches for drug to stave alcohol cravings
...before he turns into Mr. Hyde

Reconstructed Viking ship ends voyage 1,000 years after original
...because they were too tired to row and too dumb to retrofit a motor

U.S. troops care for Iraqi baby rescued from garbage
...in hopeful but naive metaphor for the country

Colombian drug lord seeks to speed up extradition
...with a concoction of heroin and cocaine

YouTube seeks testimony of comics Stewart and Colbert
...Sure, because you can always tell when they're telling the truth

Dutch bloggers due in court over filming under skirts
...hope to get a glimse under the judge's robes

Baseball fans remember Yankees' shortstop Phil Rizzuto
...but the rest of us find the game boring enough, never mind the trivia


8/15/07
Gaza tunnel smuggling growing as borders remain closed
...Note: Gaza was once the leading exporter of tunnels

Newark to install cameras in high-crime areas after shootings
...so criminals will shoot at them and not people in the area

China knew about toy problems as long ago as March
...plenty of time to bring in Santa's elves long before xmas

Michael Jackson's former lawyers sue for owed money
...leaving spectators unsure just who to root against

Former NBA referee pleads guilty in betting scandal
...and will have the penarlty turned against him for a change

Democratic candidates seize on housing woes
...while banks just seize houses

Blind athletes in Chicago play baseball guided by sound
...of the batter bonking the catcher in the head

Astronaut ends spacewalk after finding rip in glove
...whereas Michael Jackson began moonwalking after loosing one glove

Empathy can spark contagious yawning, researchers say
...after observing the audience during his previous presentation

Astronomers surprised by star with comet-like tail
...Casting directors similarly surprised by J.Lo's tail

Team director sparks uproar over gays and soccer in Brazil
...whereas Americans think the entire sport is gay


8/16/07
Faith gives Iraqis solace, not just a reason to fight
...but they wouldn't need solace if they weren't fighting to begin with

Elvis fans boost economies of two states
...namely, Tennessee and denial

First daughter Jenna Bush engaged, White House says
...'To a man,' they hurriedly add after vice-daughter embarrassment

Market woes, unsafe toys to feature in NAFTA talks
...as means of controlling the surplus population

Canadian woman gives birth to rare identical quadruplets
...Actually they aren't so rare; There are four of them

NASA decides no shuttle repairs needed
...They'll just sell it on eBay "as is"


8/17/07
Hurricane Dean tears through Caribbean
...like your typical frat boy on spring break

Dentist buys Elvis Presley's porcelain crown
...from a different coronation ceremony for the King

Steven Seagal says FBI investigation ruined his career
...that remained after being an asshole to everyone in Hollywood

Iowa settles lawsuit over 1939 stuttering experiments
...Plaintiffs' testimony took just under seventy year

India's government asks schools to ban junk food
...US retaliates by banning convenience stores


8/18/07
Texas closely watching Hurricane Dean
...to make sure it doesn't try to marry Hurricane Danny

Deer hunting may put men's hearts at risk, study finds
...thought watching hunting shows is probably worse

Endangered California condor dies of lead poisoning
...after being peppered with birdshot

Hundreds pose naked on shrinking Swiss glacier
...to demonstrate shrinkage of a different kind

Padilla case seen as a tainted victory for Bush
...sort of like the 2000 election

Star Yusuf hopes music helps Muslim image
...the way his comments about Rushdie completely didn't


8/19/07
Shark cage-diving industry retools image
...and those cages with missing bite-size chunks

Bush says Iraqi government has not met goals
...so they are finally pretty much like the USA

Hurricane Dean poised to hit Jamaica
...after Jamaica says he's all wet

Cisco sees growth as more hospitals go high-tech
...High-tech hospitals now detect unusual growths like this

"Superbad" rushes to super spot at U.S. box off
...as most viewers realize the title is ironic humor


8/20/07
Artificial life likely in 3 to 10 years
...Actually, MySpace has been around for more than 3 years now

Pakistan aims to stop illegal trade in human organs
...by outlawing ice in the country

Fake-news program 'Daily Show' travels to Iraq
...though their goal is to bring Americans home from there

Taiwanese jet bursts into flames
...when vampire tour's flight is delayed past dawn

Ancient gum shows chewing habit thousands of years old
...when discovered still in mummy's stomach like your mom warned


8/21/07
France cycling boom causes increase in road accidents
...so maybe it's less of a boom and more of a screech... crash

Feline memories found to be fleeting, study says
...not that they really listen to what you're saying anyway

Researchers now think breaking up may not be so hard to do
...after their girlfriends leave them for guys who aren't in the lab all day

NY police investigating white powder reports
...on suspicion powdered donuts might be involved

Court tries 18 for cross-dressing
...by a judge in robes, of course

High blood pressure often undiagnosed in U.S. kids
...but a common cause of it in adults


8/22/07
Bill Murray refuses breath test after driving golf cart in Stockholm
...for fear a spark could incinerate the instrument

Ancient diamonds unlock secrets of early Earth
...such as what cavemen gave cavewomen

Cat lovers take on feline roles to know their pets
...and not for a broadway revival, thankfully

Woman sets fire to ex-husband's penis
...thanks to friction; she was that dry, folks!

Bush cites Vietnam in argument against Iraq pullout
...thus making the airtight argument for impeachment

Lindsay Lohan's cocaine charges may be dropped
...unlike her blood alcohol content


8/23/07
Belching moose contribute to global warming, researchers say
...from tourists traveling to see the grossest animal on earth

Technology could prevent drunk driver from starting vehicle
...in addition to his poor hand/eye coordination

Bettis says he faked injury to avoid getting cut
...and expects to sustain real injuries from teammates

Man who shot George Wallace to be released from prison
...on grounds it won't matter if he shoots him again

U.S. sees "precarious" year for Iraqi government
...like every year before this one

Fire damages controversial crematorium
...Only irony survived the blaze

Nicole Richie begins serving sentence at L.A. County jail
...which will won't last as long as it takes her to read this headline

Hurricane Dean robs Mayan communities of vital fruit trees
...in response to centuries without offering human sacrifices


8/24/07
More dorm rooms offering deluxe accommodations
...like hot and cold running beer kegs

Poll: Religion a vital part of young Americans' lives
...along with Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy

Queen guitarist finally completes astronomy doctorate
...explaining why rock stars have a corona of hair

More storms hit flooded Midwest
...in effort by God to dissuade 'intelligent design' proponents

Turkey's Gul set to win presidency next week
...because his name is fastest to write on ballots


8/25/07
Monster.com took 5 days to disclose data theft
...so obviously there'll be a position available there shortly

New research links obesity to infertility in women
...but can be treated by giving men lots of alcohol

France's cold, rainy summer fails to deter tourists
...who figure the French will make them miserable either way

New Orleans still struggling two years after Katrina
...Oh, and for centuries before Katrina, in case you forgot your history

Victims spearhead polio vaccination campaign in Nigeria
...Actually, they'll be using hypodermics and not spears


8/26/07
Vietnam police called in to control unruly 'Potter' crowd
...Similar measures to be taken with Hermione's unruly hair

Iraqi PM lashes out at Hillary Clinton, other U.S. critics
...like George W. Bush just last week

Midwest still reeling from storms, flooding
...even though they claim to have read the bible

Groups say wine corks better for environment than screw caps
...in spite of necessitating the production of millions of cork screws

Activists, mayors protest U.S.-Mexico border wall
...U.S. contractors employing illegal immigrants building it

Bush pleads for more patience for Iraq war
...on grounds special ed. presidents get extra time on tests

Flying robot to aid China Antarctic expedition
...financed by selling rights to cartoon adaptation of adventures

Obama says U.S. can't fail New Orleans again
...but New Orleans schools fail national tests again and again


8/27/07
Iran vows to use 'smart' bomb against enemies
...though if it were smart it would take out its creators

Human stem cells heal the hearts of rats, researchers say
...but human women say their hearts were broken by dirty rats

Thompson campaign loses another staffer
...and it's up to the Law & Order cast to find who did it

Opium production in Afghanistan soars to 'frightening levels'
...Frighten observers encouraged to have some and chill out

Dunkin' Donuts to eliminate trans fat across menu
...after out-of-shape cops fail to catch donut thieves

New Orleans musicians face tough times
...but that should be inspiration for their songs, man

Gay unions sanctioned in medieval Europe, historian finds
...which leaves the US darker than in the Dark Ages, politically

U.S. job satisfaction high after age 65, study finds
...because coworkers are impressed they can do anything

Ancient bacteria could point to life on Mars: study
...which means they're smarter than most exobiologists


8/28/07
Idaho senator arrested in airport
...attempting to lure Mark Foley from the youngsters

Vatican launches world's first airline for Catholic pilgrims
...for those wishing to ascend bodily into the heavens

New 'Saturday Night Live' DVD to be sold only at Starbucks
...so patrons can get even less work accomplished on their laptops

Wal-Mart employees catch wayward emu with shopping carts
...who said he needed carts to make his way to Sesame Street

Taliban agrees to free South Korean hostages
....after most said $5 hostages were too much

Opposition party criticizes Greece over fires
...started by Olympic torch carriers way, way off course

Jury begins deliberations in Abu Ghraib case
...in a naked pyramid surrounded by MPs with snarling dogs

Document: Ex-astronaut planning insanity defense
...as defense argues her head's in the clouds

Clinton picks up first national union endorsement
...after it falls off the back of a teamster's truck

Bush hopes to avoid battle over Gonzales successor
...but it's unlikely he'll be impeached for that to happen


8/29/07
Craig and GOP await voters' judgment
...on the hypocrisy of his prejudice

Firefighters gaining control over Greek fires
...by making their Trojan horses out of asbestos

Pakistani president and rival take step toward power-sharing deal
...by splitting the rent and utilities but keep separate cell accounts

Keith Richards demands apologies for reviews
...rather, he wants someone else to go through withdrawl

NASA probe finds no evidence astronauts flew drunk
...as it's impossible to walk in a straight line in zero G

Lousiana towns vote to ban baggy pants
...as most residents can't escape flood waters in them

Texas museum to show Lucy fossil amid criticism
...that it will promote anorexia among anthropologists

Latino food gaining popularity in the U.S.
...Taco Bell shares up 6% at close

Study: U.S. can withdraw safely from Iraq in one year
...but many political careers are among the casualties

U.S. troops becoming outspoken critics of war
...and, frankly, are the only reliable authorities on the subject

Gay activists scornful of Sen. Craig's comment
...and bathroom technique

Arabic-themed public school to open in NYC amid protests
...Metal-detectors to be installed on the exits for obvious reasons

Fossil dates orchids back to the time of dinosaurs, study shows
...which is what dinos gave their prom dates


8/30/07
Study: Democrats get more morning airtime
...in spite of the fact Rosie quit 'The View'

How new mothers cradle babies shows stress, study finds
...Warning signs include hands around the infant's throat

GOP lawmakers seek Craig's resignation
...which should be delivered under the adjacent stall

Bush aides say Iraq report set benchmarks too high
...never mind that 'No former dictatorship left behind' program

Scientists detect mysterious solar ripples for first time
...but cannot explain George Hamilton's tan

U.S. says many teens not getting recommended shots
...only the ones by rival gang members

Bob Marley family says to sue Universal, Verizon
...because their cell signal be jammin'

Poll: Europeans back Hillary Clinton for U.S. president
...which makes it a good thing they can't vote here


8/31/07
Angela Merkel tops Forbes list of most powerful women
...Xena Warrior Princess falls off list this year for first time

Federline's lawyer wants Spears to pay legal expenses
...since none of us will pay for his music

GOP officials say Senator Craig may resign
...so they won't be refered to as the 'Gay Old Party'

White House press secretary Snow to step down Sept. 14
...whereas weathermen predict it will be gone by end of March

Bernanke says Fed will 'act as needed' on credit crunch
...Milk vows the same on Captain Crunch

Tradition of naming diseases after doctors draws fierce debate
...like why they don't invent cures to be named after instead

Freed South Korean hostages face anger at home
...because they are very, very late

Kosovo split possible if both sides agree: Russia
...but if they could ever agree, they'd probably never split

Tropical Depression 6 forms in Atlantic: NHC
...Billions of tons of Prozac to be dumped into the ocean nearby

U.S. churches reach out with coffee and roller rinks
...an obviously scalding hot recipe for disaster

Spreading deserts threaten world food supply
...but spreading desserts would do just the opposite

Minks freed from cages, farmers give chase
...reads first line on undiscovery Dr. Seuss masterpiece

Knightley says focus on the films, not my figure
...but that's the only reason I even rent them in the first place


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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