The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

7/1/07
Warren Buffett lunch sells for record $650,100
...All you can eat?  Yep, it's a Buffet(t)

Bonds calls for more security after fan enters field
...Fans call for steroids tests after Bonds does same

Most iPhone owners gush but some have glitches
...In other words, they're gadget-obsessed autistic freaks

U.S. boosts security amid British copy cat concerns
...as terrorists do not respect international copyright laws

Kerouac fans stage marathon reading of 'On the Road'
...That's not reading; it's rambling, says Hemingways' ghost

Floods drive hundreds from Kansas homes
...while others are airlifted by tornados


7/2/07
Floods cause more evacuations in Kansas
...than there are people who still believe in intellgent design after this

Bush and Putin meet to discuss ties
...as the former needs help tying his

Mole-rat study finds link between stress and infertility
...The role of blindness in fertility is fairly obvious, however

Serena overcomes strained calf for emotional win
...Then again, baby cows aren't that good at tennis really

U.S. may alienate Muslims over human trade: Malaysia
...Note: List of things alienating Muslims too long to list


7/3/07
Head restraints perform poorly in tests
...because they can't turn to cheat off classmates' tests

Bush wipes away Libby's prison sentence
...and any hint of a remaining approval rating

Iran's president rejects Oliver Stone's offer to make film about him
...after noting how "JFK" began "Nixon" ended

U.S. increases transit security for July 4
...after increased chatter about holiday 'blow-outs'

Giant prehistoric bird likely had problems with takeoff
...much like the delays of modern carriers

Spike Lee to focus on black soldiers
...as Elton John is off the market these days

ACLU suing Slidell, La. over Jesus painting in courthouse
...as cruel intimidation of those on trial for capital offences

Scientists solve puzzle of Chile's missing lake
...as most need a lot to drink after a spicy bowl of it

One-third of Americans abuse alcohol: survey
...while another third were too drink to respond

Legal confusion follows Bush's decision on Libby
...to say nothing of Bush's confusion preceeding it


7/4/07
Bush won't rule out full Libby pardon
...until he sees GOP's chances after primaries

Potter film premiere recreates Ministry of Magic
...seemingly from thin air

Florida alligator wrestlers becoming a dying breed
...since they have too few limbs left to save themselves

Some alternative therapies may hurt pregnancy chance
...as acupunturists' needles are a real turn-off

U.S. heightens security for Fourth of July
...so that only American teenagers will blow stuff up

Researchers use snapping turtles to test wireless network
...Note: Network's wires were snapped by hungry turtles

Daily morsel of dark chocolate cuts blood pressure
...by keeping the wife off your case


7/5/07
Review finds nutrition education programs failing
...because more cheat on their diets than tests

Pakistani cleric offers surrender terms at mosque
...to Allah, since that's where he figures he's going

Pet turtles may pose salmonella risk to kids
...who apparently will put anything in their mouths

IOC votes to launch Youth Olympics in 2010
...as a more wholesome alternative to 'Jackass'

Poll: Majorities say income gap too wide
...but the wealthy minority disagrees, obviously

Miners across Mexico strike to boost safety conditions
...though this will result in injuries to any crossing picket line


7/6/07
Lieberman may back Republican in '08 race
...even though GOP isn't so crazy about the Jewish race

Earth's diameter is smaller than believed, researchers say
...It's just the atmosphere that makes it look fat

U.K. terror suspects inquired about jobs in U.S.
...but we're all stocked up on terrorists here, thanks

Pamplona's running of the bulls festival opens
...along with the flesh of several runners

Gore gets last-minute D.C. venue for Live Earth
...thanks to recount

TB patient questions CDC's quarantine actions
...between bringing up bits of a lung with his hacking cough

Poll: 45 percent in U.S. want Bush to be impeached
...and the rest are too scared of Cheney to commit


7/7/07
Scientists: Don't assume alien life will be easily recognizable
...as they may just comb their hair over their pointy ears

Canada, Massachusetts warn consumers on toothpaste
...though Britons clearly have nothing to worry about

Spain's running of the bulls begins in Pamplona
...and ends in nearby hospitals

11-year-old charged with driving drunk in Alabama
...on way home from her wedding reception

Record heat seen moving east next week
...to take a more lucrative position in management


7/8/07
Heat wave fuels Western wildfires
...with obvious assistance from oxygen

Southern Somalia suffers invasion of crickets
...whose chirping drowns out the familiar sound of gunfire

Hagel says won't seek presidency as independent
...noting that independents don't get elected to it anyway

Egypt says pyramids only 'wonder of the world'
...and don't get them started on Allah either

Thousands mark UFO anniversary in Roswell
...at a veritable abnormal psychology convention

India police seize "Islamist" CDs in bomb plot case
...CDs rocket up charts on word that they're 'the bomb'

EA CEO calls video games "boring", complicated: WSJ
...Note: Gamers level same criticisms against the Journal

"Transformers" tops box office, topples record
...then changes back into a car and drives off

Midwestern states have highest volunteer rates in U.S.
...as there's little else to do there besides denying evolution


7/9/07
Iraqis urged to take up arms for defense
...or put arms in the air if they surrender

Pennsylvania government partially shuts down
...when the Amish are placed in charge of the utilities

Clay Aiken's dispute with air passenger draws FBI scrutiny
...and are the only people who remember he's even alive

White House denies debating withdrawal of troops from Iraq
...noting that they've never even considered what everyone asked for

NASA set to send robot to dig on Martian surface
...in the hopes of finding oil not in the Middle East

Live Earth draws lackluster TV ratings
...as most switch theirs off to save electricity

Study links vision loss to increased risk of early death
...particularly among NASCAR drivers


7/10/07
Official: Iraq gov't missed all targets
...so US sends them back to the firing range

Sprint defends cutting customers over service calls
...that bad service that prompted calls should have been incentive enough

White House defends Iraq policy
...by increasing troop levels around it

Producers plan to turn Madonna movie into London musical
...since turning musical Madonna in a movie star never worked

TiVo, Amazon to sell movies straight to TV sets
...so you won't have to go to a hotel for that anymore

Fat switch may offer new obesity approach: study
...It's what they beat you with if you're caught snacking


7/11/07
McCain campaign suffers key shake-ups
...Note: Shaking keys gets attention of toddlers

In changing times, many Chinese find wisdom in Confucius
...such as one where he say unpire wrong; man with four balls cannot walk

Plea deal possible in Nicole Richie DUI case
...since they clearly won't get pound of flesh from her

Space Shuttle Endeavour moves to launch pad
...which is about 0.0000001% of the way where it's going

Two NYC shoppers sue Toys 'R' Us for racial discrimination
...upon not finding the yellow Teletubbie

California projects 60 million people by 2050
...will be aspiring actresses working as waitresses

Bush predicts U.S. budget deficit will shrink
...if Congress refuses further funds for his war

Uneasy GOP senators beseech Bush on Iraq
...whereas easy GOP senators do what they're brided to

Queen's Brian May finishes PhD thesis after 30 years
...thus confirming long-haired rockers are such slackers


7/12/07
'Fat tax' could save 3,200 lives each year, study finds
...but 'flat tax' could lead to more breast implants

Scientists fear warming is causing gray whales to lose weight
...and that they'll beach themselves to flaunt their slimmer figures

Plane diverted due to 'misunderstanding'
...between pilot and gas station attendant he got directions from

Whole Foods admits CEO wrote online attacks against rival
...Rotten tomatoes, sour grapes, say industry observers

Bush denies al Qaeda at pre-September 11 strength
...saying he doesn't trust his intelligence (nor should we)

Activision to stick to "Guitar Hero" song price
...because addicts will pay whatever they ask

Drugs lower blood glucose without weight gain
...Meth users claim they should have received the patent

Telescope in Hawaii gives astronomers deepest view of space
...while Paris Hilton gives shallowest views on everything


7/13/07
Al-Qaida works to plant U.S. operatives
...since they can't grow them in the desert back home

Bush dismisses CIA leak as old news
...and 9/11 as ancient history, etc.

Melting sea ice drives pregnant polar bears to land for birth
...whereas others just deliver in the back seat of a cab

Health official says Chinese food industry needs coordination
...so they can do tricks like the hibachi chef with his spatula

Jury finds Black, others guilty of criminal fraud
...but probably wouldn't have if he was named White

Walking robot offers clues to human movement
...to higher ground to avoid being trampled by robots

Intel backs project to give laptops to poor kids
...Yet cigarette companies are prevented from similar strategy

American brothers gored in bull run
...now look like forcibly separated Siamese twins


7/14/07
North Korea gets oil for closing reactor
...because it was stuck open without lubrication

L.A. church to pay $600 million for clergy abuse
...Note: Since the Reformation, it's the priests who pay indulgences

Jim Gilmore drops presidential candidacy
...thus getting his name in a headline for first time

Secrets of Assassins' fort unearthed in Syria
...and will be available for XBox and PS3 by xmas

L.A. Sheriff investigates Paris Hilton's jail time
...for a screenplay he's working on for Showtime


7/15/07
Bin Laden appears in new al-Qaida video
...to debut on TRL to promote their new album

White House holds firm on Iraq strategy
...and completely lets go of reality

Cell phones may carry more bacteria than toilets
...and that's just on your contact list

Ford denies it's in talks to sell Volvo
...though many on Craigslist are trying to sell theirs

Bush to discuss missile shield with Polish president
...and, being dumbest guy in the room, will also deflect Polish jokes


7/16/07
Spite may help set humans apart from primate relatives
...never mind their more immediate relatives at weddings and such

IAEA says North Korea has shut reactor
...with their keys inside; please send a locksmith

LA cardinal apologizes to plaintiffs
...in the memo blank on their checks

U.S. tourists still streaming to Paris despite declining dollar
...reads one result of Google search for 'streaming Paris Hilton video'

Few residents of Kansas town covered by flood insurance
...just flood waters

Climate change causing wetlands in China to shrink
...though most things from China shrink when they get wet

Demand soars for Fred Thompson's personal papers
...well in advance of his demise, oddly enough

Edwards begins tour to highlight U.S. poverty
...in which he'll fly first class to show what the poor can't do

Japan quake causes fire, water leak at nuclear plant
...which not only cancel themselves out, but make steam for turbines

Judge approves $660M clergy abuse settlement
...No comment from God, however, as He's taking the 5th

Scientists use Mexican volcano as test bed for trees on Mars
...Many fear use of Mexican volcanos will put American ones out of jobs

Experts: Al-Qaida ramping up propaganda
...and hope to buy a slot at the next Superbowl

Bush pushing for Mideast peace as anti-U.S. sentiment rises
...and yet he fails to realize these things are not mutually exclusive

Chimps on treadmill offer human evolution insight
...as to why throwbacks at the gym never wipe down the equipment


7/17/07
New tourism trend focuses on culture, history of destinations
...as opposed to useless souvenirs and home movies no one will watch

Japan quake tips over barrels of nuclear waste
...to one-up anything that can happen in the Simpsons movie

Connecticut town offers ID cards to illegal immigrants
...because they had trouble getting into R-rated movies before

Democrats prepare for all-night Iraq debate
...to be punctuated with pillow fights, of course

Birds' flight speeds may bend rules of aerodynamics
...and could lead to fines from the FAA

China to use rockets to ensure perfect weather for Olympics
...by flying the athletes above the clouds


7/18/07
Anti-gang efforts failing badly, report says
...noting Kenny Rogers among its victims

Illness forces Hootie & the Blowfish to delay tour
...then they'll resume making music lovers ill

American individualism may hinder understanding of others
...not that anyone will read what someone else things

Mandela marks 89th birthday by launching braintrust
...at an age where most have stopped trusting their brains

Skulls confirm we're all out of Africa
...so pick some up next time you're at the store

Japan's lonely hearts turn to dolls for sex, company
...whereas Americans turn to Japanese sex with dolls websites

CBS disputes actor Patinkin on quitting hit show
...not that it can fire him over it now

Poor memory tied to sleep woes in aging women
...not their hunbands aren't interested in keeping them up

Al Sharpton won't oppose comeback by Don Imus
...because he's the best shot Al has at staying in the news

Fears grow of fallout from Ukraine toxic spill
...Next to grow: Tumors


7/19/07
U.S. unveils plan to combat Latin American criminal gangs
...by starting the J.Lo channel to keep them glued to tv sets

CBS struggles to find successor to Bob Barker
...but all the breeding stock have been spayed or neutered

Stock futures point to higher opening on upbeat earnings
...Some prostitutes do similar

Vermont town known for nudity imposes emergency ban
...after doctors refuse to treat any more sunburned genitals

Easy Bake toy ovens recalled over burn hazard
...much as Your First Freebase toy before it

Older drivers safer on roads than younger drivers, study says
...because it's hard to get hurt by cars moving 8 MPH

Aging urban infrastructure scrutinized after NYC blast
...because maybe it's time for it to retire to Florida

Judge dismisses Plame's lawsuit against Bush administration
...on grounds he's too incompetent to stand trial

Focus of Brazil air crash shifts away from runway
...Appropriate, considering the plane did the same

U.S. nuclear lab ex-contractor accused of stealing
...after Giger counter indicates goods were "hot"

Ascent of dinosaurs more gradual than once thought
...as most blacked out if they stood up too fast

Nintendo Wii Japan sales hit 3 mln units: survey
...Nintendo Wii controllers hit almost as many windows

Pitt and Jolie reported fighting
...in plot summary of Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Study predicts 75 percent overweight in U.S. by 2015
...will cause California to fall into the Pacific

Nike suspends release of new Michael Vick shoe
...to rebrand it as a dog toy


7/20/07
U.S. officials say Iraq gripped by fear
...though logically, oil should loosen the grip

Woman lives in house smaller than parking space
...because her car collection takes up rest of the property

Bush accuses Democrats of delaying troop funds
...or as they see it, Bush delays their homecoming

Cheney to take reins during Bush medical procedure
...so during his coloscopy the country will get similarly screwed

Romney backs 'tough' interrogation in terrorism cases
...based on popularity of tv's '24'

Senate passes bill increasing aid to college students
...in hopes they'll be able to do their own laundry now

Family influences divorce rate more than genes, study finds
...reads headline by reporter obviously confused where genes come from

Bonds chasing immortality while fending off critics
...rounds second but has to hold at third thanks to a pitch to the short stop

N.J. woman finds missile launcher on her front lawn
...after finally trimming grass so high it obscured the post

New fingerprint technique could reveal diet, sex, race
...thus putting traditional palm readers out of their jobs

Smoking may bring on early menopause
...News sends many with PMS to local convenience stores


7/21/07
Bush reclaims power from Cheney after colonoscopy
...in a drama similar to that played out in prison cells across the country

'Full House' actress Jodie Sweetin reportedly married
...No word on whether she'll keep her name that I'd forgotten

Fox attacks worker inside Md. restaurant
...Others in blue states reportedly victimized by Fox as well

Poker champion to battle computer at Texas Hold'em
...which will likely be more entertaining than the third Matrix movie

New report points out downside of reinstituting the draft
...Note: No report exists to indicate an upside

PluggedIn: Vista's growing pains leave room for XP
...Conversely, Vista leaves little room on your computer for anything else

Giuliani's mayoral record is complicated
...but is nothing compared to his love life


7/22/07
Australia to name wildlife reserve after Steve Irwin
...Ironic, considering the former is a very good idea

Internet domain name trading could be $4 billion industry by 2010
...More lucrative even than phone sex, the other dirty word exchanging industry

Series of severe dust storms could cripple Mars rovers
...unless fleet of Rombas arrive in time to save them

Many political donors give to multiple candidates
...to keep them from getting jealous and debating amongst themselves

Insurance agent is Hemingway look-alike winner
...but doesn't offer policies to cover suicides

"Chuck and Larry" overtake "Potter" at box office
...reads another unintentionally gay headline this week

WADA chief says PGA should test golfers for doping
...because how else can they stay awake for 18 holes?

Eating disorders become more common in women over 30
...pounds


7/23/07
Doctors treating older anorexics
...with care since they have no fat to protect their brittle bones

Israeli Arab schoolbooks cite Palestinian version of war
...and just imagine what Murdock will try to sell Iraqi kids someday

Storms and floods continue to batter China
...then deep fry it and serve it on a stick with sweet and sour

Japanese automakers set to resume production after earthquake
...but will install an extra set of shocks on newer models

Indian chili pepper named spiciest in the world
...once judges get their breath back to declare the winner

Chicago bus takes tourists through ghettos
...and, consequently, years off their lives

River Thames on verge of bursting banks
...after series of masked hold-ups around London

Kosovo tells U.S. it will not declare independence
...Americans shocked to learn Kosovo could seceed from us

Tourists fined for cycling nude in heatwave
...Fines go toward fund to cover their melanoma treatments in 2047

Signs of brain shrinkage seen in soccer players
...which in terminal stages leads them to become merely fans/hooligans


7/24/07
Washington's gay couples register to get more rights
...while the rest of the country has theirs taken away by the Bush administration

Adidas barred from selling kangaroo leather shoes
...Next will be a ban on leather boxing gloves for the kangaroos

Tupac Shakur's estate seeks to block sale of recordings
...though most would be content with them merely not being player very loud

Poll: U.S. coastal residents would not evacuate for hurricane
...any will receive their Darwin Award posthumously, as usual

Writer's cramp may be tied to abnormalities in the brain
...whereas writer's block is due to mediocrity in the brain

Lowering cholesterol too much may raise risk of cancer
...so skip the salad bar on your next trip to the Sizzler

Two men in India caught trying to smuggle 870 tortoises
...as 435 pairs of oversized falsies

Computer program can learn baby talk
...and may eventually supplant phone sex operators


7/25/07
Special prosecutor weighed for Gonzales
...Though it's not weight but reach that will decide this bout

General: Al-Qaida making new cells in US
...in spite of Bush's limits on stem cell funding

Toyota unveils plug-in hybrid car for road testing
...Extension cord to be available in a variety of colors

Fundraiser to feature machine guns
...much like how many robbers raise their own funds

Lohan says innocent of drug claim
...Detectives say otherwise, but search turned up no talent

Jumbo squid invade California waters
...in the state most likely to supersize their sushi

Castro bows out of yet another major Cuban event
...and is only certain to attend his funeral in the coming months

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony unveil plans for joint concert tour
...Better definition of a 'joint tour': Snoop Dog with the Doobie Bros.


7/26/07
Documents contradict Gonzales' testimony
...just in case common sense was on the fritz

Man sells life-like cutouts of kids to slow down speeders
...and for spinster NRA members to vent frustrations on

McCain's media team quits his campaign
...as a publicity stunt.  See?  Good job!

U.S. envoy says troop surge in Iraq is working
...to turn more Americans against the war so they can get home

Building renewable energy sources could wreck environment
...so maybe investing in mini-black hole technologies isn't a good idea

Scientists unearth giant prehistoric mastodon tusks in Greece
...leading many to wonder if it wasn't a Trojan elephant

Gay couples from N.M. can marry in Massachusetts
...but probably won't what with the price of gas these days

Japanese women, Icelandic men live the longest lives
...by virtue of living on opposite ends of the Earth from one another

Medical marijuana backers say they'll fight on
...after they finish this bag of nachos, man

New material can soak up pollutants, study shows
...if you're talking about a white blouse and red wine, respectively

Publishers bid for Keith Richards' memoir
...both pages' worth that he can recall anyway

NASA shaken by sabotage, drinking
...and could probably use a drink, ironically


7/27/07
House expected to pass homeland security bill
...under port authorities' noses undetected

911 call in Lindsay Lohan arrest released
...and sells better than her last album

Exposure to Agent Orange linked to high blood pressure
...brought on by worrying about medical reports on Agent Orange

Kid Rock releasing first album in four years
...under the updated name Adolescent Rock

Reebok, Nike suspend Michael Vick products
...above a pack of hounds snarling for anything bearing his scent

Flight attendants suffer through crowded skies
...but not fools gladly

Circumcision doesn't reduce sensation: study
...In fact, it stings like crazy for weeks afterward

Cheney to undergo surgery to replace heart device battery
...with miniaturized coal-burning power plant

Soyuz, shuttle cited in drinking reports
...after the pair were pulled over for flying over the sound barrier


7/28/07
Courts struggle to get people to report for jury duty
...by telling them they can sleep when they get there

Report claims "heavy" alcohol use by NASA astronauts
...meant more fuel required to lift them off

Thief battered in fish shop
...then fried up with a batch of chips

Nicole Richie to follow Paris Hilton to jail
...making her career impossibly even less original than Hilton's

Herdsmen, wardens clash over Uganda's disappearing lions
...as they both want to use them in their rival magic shows


7/29/07
Hezbollah rejects U.S. vision of Mideast
... as near-sighted in the extreme

Tibet postpones plan for paved road to Everest base camp
...because concrete is frozen already at that altitude

Spaniard Alberto Contador wins Tour de France
...by imagining he was running with the bulls

Cities across U.S. sue gangs in bid to stop violence
...but then gangs just harrass juries to be let off cases

Celebrities more likely to deny addiction: experts
...in spite of copious contradictory evidence from paparazzi

John Wayne gets statue at cowboy museum
...which has better acting ability than its subject


7/30/07
New scientific studies explain why people yawn
...The cause: Reading the results of innane scientific studies

Fans campaign to honor 'world's worst poet'
...by giving him line of greeting cards with his peers

Caffeine, exercise may help protect from skin cancer
...because you'll be up all night at the 24 hour gym

U.S. researchers create schizophrenic mice
...by making them watch Pinky and the Brain reruns

Company devises umbrella that forecasts rain
...In other words, if you forget to bring it, it will rain

Cell phones light up operating room during blackout
...as hundreds of lawyers call seeking potential malpractice suits

Dietary carbs linked to vision loss
...as the health conscious ruin their eyes reading labels

Hollywood to put pigeons on birth-control pills
...in latest hilarious animated offering from Pixar

Boston hospital offers partial face transplants
...[Insert obvious Red Sox joke here]


7/31/07
U.N. nuke team says N. Korea cooperative
...Of course they're a co-op; they're communists

Thousands line up for 'American Idol' auditions
...instead of getting singing lessons or psychiatric help

Paris Hilton puts Hollywood Hills home on the market
...after finding she can get by just fine in a 6'x10' space

Stressed former child soldiers want revenge: study
...whereas stressed former child stars want a reality series

Roberts leaves hospital, says he's fine
...but wasn't under oath at the time

Woman arrested over body parts in fridge
...and sentenced to life without possibility of desert

Outcry grows against Japanese prime minister
...to do something about giant monsters destroying Tokyo

Ball State naming new communications building after Letterman
...Plaques will accumulate in a space in the middle of the front opening


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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