The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

6/1/07
TB patient apologizes to airline passengers
...then wonders why they refuse to shake his hand afterward

Archaeologists discover 2,100-year-old melon in Japan
...which was the last time Asian women had melons to speak of

Police drummer calls concert 'unbelievably lame'
...making this a giant step up in Sting's career so far

Parachute failure doesn't stop skydiver from jumping again
...but the sudden stop at the end does

Celebrity polar bear Knut growing into beast
...much like celebrity tramp Lindsey Lohan before him

Kids socialize in a virtual world as avatars
...pretty much like the goth kids outside of Hot Topic

Hugh Grant avoids charges over alleged baked beans attack
...which could have been averted with Gas-X anyway


6/2/07
Anti-crime teams sent to 4 more cities
...Who says there's never a superhero around when you need one?

Tropical Storm Barry weakens to tropical depression
...upon learning of being slapped with such an unthreatening moniker

California allows gay conjugal visits in prisons
...rejecting arguments that these would be redundant

TB patient's relative to be investigated
...on charges his TB resisted antibiotics

Freshwater crabs thriving in ancient Roman ruins
...Crabs similarly were abundant on the set of Caligula


6/3/07
Liberians divided over legacy of warlord Charles Taylor
...such as how his name doesn't sound like that of a Liberian warlord

More colleges broadcasting graduation ceremonies online
...to suck bandwidth from dorm room file-sharing servers

Cambodia bans damning report into illegal logging
...though not merely because this would consume paper

Sharpton brings campaign to clean up hip-hop lyrics to Detroit
...#$&% you , you &*^$%# @$& #%^#, says local rapper Eminem

House Democrats hiding pet projects from voters
...as they haven't paid their pet deposits


6/4/07
Germany praises Bush on global warming
...saying he's more full of hot air than anyone

Scientists scramble to save tiny U.S. shorebird
...from ending up the subject of a folk singer's song

TB patient's parents defend decision to fly
...saying airline food was better than hospital food

Astronauts arrive for space shuttle launch
...after being held up while checking their luggage

Purple frog among 24 new species found in Suriname
...Purple cow remains popular item at Baskin Robbins

Dead man rides on tram all night
...after coins on his lids mistaken for the fare


6/5/07
EU launches campaign to tackle work-related back pain
...but chiropractors advise against tackling those with back pain

Bush defends missile defense shield
...Wait.  What?

Murder, robbery rates show NYC succeeding in crime fight
...as there are fewest robbers to murder in a decade

Intel, Asustek plan low-cost laptop
...It's a 486 made in 1994

Model Gisele slams church, asks "who's a virgin?"
...Sadly, many altar boys are soon deflowered by pastors

Illusionist escapes cement box in Times Square
...prompting loan sharks to steer clear of deals with him

Larry David, wife separate after 14 years of marriage
...Single girls are asked to curb their enthusiasm since he's 67


6/6/07
Man tries to jump into popemobile
...but impails himself on pontiff's hat

82,000-year-old decorative shells found in Moroccan cave
...painted to match the mortars they're fired from

Dark spot on Mars may be deep cavern, scientists say
...but suspicious spots should be reviewed by a dermatologist

U.S. auto executives, lawmakers discuss mileage
...that they can get out of their campaign donations

El Nino, La Nina cycle must be monitored, experts say
...because it could be worse than Katrina with serious PMS

Studies find new ways to make embryonic stem cells
...as yet another generation thinks they invented sex

Flexible displays creep closer to market
...or see a strip show for some flexible displays


6/7/07
Gay-rights groups decry surgeon general nominee
...for encouraging only fat guys to go to the gym

More than 600M worldwide work excessive hours, report finds
...many of which were spent compiling this report

Putin suggests new site for U.S. missile shield
...that makes the translator blush

Archivist finds handwritten note by Abraham Lincoln
...'IOU a $5 bill,' it reads

Paris Hilton gets out of jail for medical reasons
...as her anorexia meant she could slip through the bars

"Sex and the City" star Parker sparks fashion frenzy
...leading many to reverse their nose jobs to copy her look

NASA's next space vehicle could fly in 2013
...weather permitting, of course


6/8/07
Political rift grows over unintended pregnancies
...especially with the mother's parents

Cash for kids: Japan employers offer 'baby bonuses'
...and overtime pay for a different kind of labor

Azerbaijan: Let's talk on missile system
...Rest of world: Use the phone instead, please

U.S. consumer confidence tumbles to 10-month low
...after tripping over heap of poor quality goods

Bon Jovi guitarist enters treatment facility
...after 20 year buildup of hairspray takes its toll

Ancient Egyptian city spotted from space, archaeologists say
...by a UFO carrying pyramid salemen


6/9/07
Atlantis chasing space station
...for title of Hardest to Reach Vaction Spot

Paris sent back to jail in hysterics
...Only Houdini knew how to escape hysterics

Al Gore's Tennessee home on track to be 'green'
...if vandals hit it with enough paint balls while he's out of town

Paris Hilton starts, ends week behind bars
...but now the ones where she's usually spotted

English fans pool cash to buy their own soccer team
...Things previously pooled by fans: Blood, urine, and vomit

It's the year of the flip-flop in U.S. politics
...as Congress adopts casual footwear

Safeway grocery chain expands ground beef recall
...as the only safe way to avoid a lawsuit


6/10/07
In U.S., Mormons are in the spotlight
...what with the Osmonds reuiniting

Hong Kong winters may vanish in 50 years: weather expert
...which means the Hong Kong flu will have to relocate

Church of England demands Sony donation for cathedral shoot-out game
...even though the Reformation was a reaction to indulgences

McCain says he's comfortable with campaign's standing
...even though he's the only one standing on his platform

Drinking water at North Carolina Marine base under scrutiny
...as marine water is usually too salty to be drinkable


6/11/07
Study finds anger may fuel better decision making
...which is why your divorce was the best one you ever made

Meth-linked crimes exploding on Indian reservations
...much like the labs sometimes do

Big Apple to host Farm Aid concert
...because when you think NYC, you immediatly think of farmers

Doctors urged to make good first impression
...rather than ones that will lead to scarring later

Two jailed after bridge built by blind man collapses
...in latest cryptic hit by Bob Dylan

Moore fears film seizure after Cuba trip
...due to the rabid editing making a strobe effect


6/12/07
New book on Princess Diana offers revelations
...Old book on God does as well but isn't as juicy

Mormons using new media attention to set record straight
...Note: Straightest albums ever were by the Osmonds in the '70s

19th-century weapon found in whale caught off Alaskan coast
...as it tried to slip through metal detectors

Fundamental Mormons seek recognition for polygamy
...as is having a show on HBO wasn't recognition enough

"Sopranos" creator defends uncertain ending
...pleading for his life when fans go to work on his fingers


6/13/07
Hamas seizes Fatah security headquarters
...which ironically must not have been all that secure

Cubans turn to street food to augment rations
...or as we call it in Texas: roadkill

Bush pleads for GOP immigration support
...that would allow basically non-voting Democrats in

Shipping officials urge navies to fight Somali pirate raids
...on the rise in the wake of Johnny Depp's popularity

Wall Street Journal set for editorial shakeup, paper reports
...and may at last have comics pages

Libby trying to put prison sentence on hold
...while prison sentence is intended to do the reverse

Polygamist leader Jeffs still guiding followers from jail
...or to jail, depending on how you look at things

New evidence points to ancient ocean shoreline on Mars
...The discovery of advertisements for Martian beachfront property

Unpopular Bush still a hit with Baptists
...Note: Baptists unpopoular with everyone

Forget the generation gap, teens relate to parents
...by half their DNA and little else


6/14/07
Senators work to revive immigration bill
...that was drowned swimming across the Rio Grand

Robot designed to take wounded from battlefield
...would do better to do all the fighting in the first place

Space shuttle's return may be delayed
...as astronauts' agents negotiate better contracts

Cucumber-flavored soda on sale in Japan
...proves definitively the Japanese are quite happily insane

'Thomas and Friends' railway toys recalled for lead paint
...that could leave kids with the IQs of railway workers

Judge prohibits man from having girlfriend for three years
...by sentencing him to Star Trek conventions

Criminals growing marijuana inside suburban mansions
...ought to be concentrating more on sustaining their rap careers


6/15/07
Bill Clinton earned $10 million for speeches in 2006
...though he didn't know what 'is' meant a few years ago

Russians silent on U.S. missile plans
...until Jack Baur is brought in with a taser

Brain gets a thrill from charity, researchers say
...in people doing this research for next to nothing, anyway

Meth use among U.S. youths higher than expected, study says
...based on how clear their rooms are

Sporadic violence continues in Gaza
...Expect scattered showers of gunfire this evening

NASA rejects idea to abandon space station
...because they can refinance and make the mortgage payments

Text messengers to fight crime in Boston
...by standing around slowing up criminals' attempts to flee

Americans less happy today than 30 years ago: study
...or even six or seven years ago

"Die Hard" tops magazine list of best action films
...then jumps off and swings into a window on a fire hose


6/16/07
Clintons sell possibly troublesome stock
...Bill says didn't inhale, but admits he did sell low after buying high

Residents fighting to save Idaho's best-known ghost town
...Note: Ghost town residents were reached by seance for interviews

WWII Navajo code talkers say recognition 'long time in coming'
...or at least that's what we think they said

Bob Barker says Rosie O'Donnell could replace him
...and the show's models could reject her advances as well

Bush warns he'll veto runaway government spending
...except the kind that runs all the way to Iraq


6/17/07
Jet engine tested at 10 times speed of sound
...too fast to annoy the neighbors

Comedian Ellen DeGeneres sweeps daytime Emmy awards
...while the remaining hosts of The View mop up the mess from their show

N.Y. shark hunt attracts commerce, protesters
...who can smell a drop of controversy even miles away

Boeing may delay maiden flight of 787 Dreamliner
...much as airports regularly will once it's available

Sarkozy party wins, but not in landslide
...By contrast, Californians ususally lose in landslides


6/18/07
Final test planned for space station computers
...when the crew has a LAN party with Halo

Violence complicates final exams at Iraqi universities
...as the history majors' essays never finish detailing it all

Beads dated to 80,000 years ago shed light on early humans
...and their fascination with Mardi Gras

Candy cigarettes linked to smoking later in life, study finds
...and it's a win-win for dentists

Student stages robbery to wipe bad grades
...thereby revealing how he earned them in the first place


6/19/07
Motley Crue sues manager for $20 million
...on the grounds they're as unmanagable as their hair

Tony Danza set to star in Vegas version of 'The Producers'
...Many plan to hold Vegas to its promise that 'stays in Vegas'

Indie music labels adopt eco-friendly CD packaging
...behind the rest of us who wrap all our music in an mp3 player

Italian attorneys probe 'Da Vinci Code' for religious obscenity
...Priests probing altar boys?  Now *that* is religious obscenity!

Third-party candidates face tough road in election
...which won't lead to the White House in any case

Astronauts finish final inspection of shuttle
...and can now put a new sticker on the windshield

Bush and Olmert to discuss Palestinian split
...since as a former cheerleader, Bush is an expert on splits


6/20/07
Army again considers longer combat tours
...if they can get Budweiser to sponsor

NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg leaves GOP
...Remaining party to buckle up their hats and sail for friendlier lands

More young diabetics skipping insulin shots for weight loss
...Some even consider tossing their entire pancreas as 'dead weight'

'Lord of the Rings' musical gets mixed reviews
...surprisingly since the overlap of gay and geek = theater critic

New flu drugs possible but years away, experts say
...Possibly longer if scientists have to take sick leave

Glaxo failed to warn of diabetes drug risk: lawsuit
...Lawyers allege these were worse than sugar pills

Middle-aged U.S. women seen with higher stroke risk
...since that's when their kids get their drivers license

NHL chief calls talk of Predators' move to Canada premature
...as there are plenty of caribou still available in the northern States


6/21/07
Report says large parts of New Orleans still at risk of flooding
...but could stand a washing anyway

Shuttle prepares for return to Earth
...with more heat shielding on account of global warming they've created

New Zealand court blocks couple from naming baby '4real'
...as other hoxxorz will view this as a sploit on the n00b

Tony Blair gets standing ovation at last Cabinet meeting
...but no one else wants an encore

Teen sparks outrage in India after performing surgery
...Meanwhile, American teens sit around and cut themselves

Progress made toward lunar liquid mirror telescope
...as engineers figure out how not to twist their tongues saying it


6/22/07
New technology allows control of devices with brain activity
...as opposed to the Bush administration that does without

Senate passes energy bill that boosts fuel standards
...like adding nitrous to the mix

Robots to help explore ridge under Arctic Ocean
...as part of Post-Robot Apocalypse Treaty of 2476

C.I.A. to declassify documents on decades of secret operations
...as increasing number of women in agency characteristically can't keep a secret

Business schools reluctant to share data on cheating students
...because they'll be great sources of insider tips further down the road

Fear of predators is learned behavior, study says
...after interviewing viewers of 'Dateline'

DNA test shows Murphy is dad of Spice girl's baby
...meaning there's something he regrets being in more than Pluto Nash


6/23/07
Exhibit examines history of gay troops in U.S. military
...whose rainbow camo bravely drew gunfire away from peers

Blair meets with pope in farewell visit
...though technically England said bye to pope in 1534

Black lab drives owner's car into Idaho river
...to see if he'll fetch anything from water like the dog does

Talk shows influence debate on immigration bill
...since Craig Ferguson was an import himself

Shuttle astronauts prepare to leave California
...which they describe as 'out of this world, man'

States struggling to recruit fish and game wardens
...who are nearing extinction as their habitats are reduced

Critics of 'The Secret' bemoan positive thinking claims
...but of course negative thinkers would see claims as half-empty


6/24/07
Many in U.S. don't have bank accounts
...since they have nothing to keep in them

White House field crowded with New Yorkers
...so don't expect the debates to be any friendlier

Rice cool to any partial nuclear suspension by Iran
...Rice steamed if you're serving it with hibachi

Nokia leads race for next billion mobile users
...but no one's contact list is that cluttered

House votes to deny all aid to Saudi Arabia
...on grounds that we send them enough at the pump

Fire sprinklers douse hundreds at Los Angeles airport
...meaning drinks at the bar are more watered down than usual


6/25/07
Israel releases Palestinian funds
...so stop saying the Jews are tight with cash already

New York bids farewell to pair of star ballerinas
...who grew so thin they collapsed into white dwarfs

California wildfire burns out of control
...by definition since this isn't a domesticated fire

Obese people may be at lower risk of contracting tuberculosis
...since they don't fit in airline seats beside to the next Patients Zero

Students utilize mushrooms to create organic insulation
...from reality

Republican Thompson endorsed by ex-girlfriends
...Democrat rivals endorsed by current mistresses

Fake priest arrested baptizing baby
...Real priests typically arrested for doing worse

Playboy's Hefner approves movie about his life
...as long as it doesn't objectify or exploit him


6/26/07
GOP senator says Iraq plan not working
...and is a drain on the unemployment system

NASA wants to open ISS to outside experiments
...such as a lack of oxygen that will immediate result

U.S. trails industrialized nations in high-speed Internet access
...meaning Asains are uploading porn faster than we can download it

Maturing kid stars pose challenges for TV shows
...such as filming around their stays in rehab

White House pleads for patience on Iraq
...Lawyers advise them to plead insanity instead

Fast food chains refuse to put calories on menus
...prefering instead to place them on our waists

Crater could solve 1908 Tunguska meteor mystery
...but expired statute of limitations means they can't prosecute

Thief asks for "time out" in police chase
...'Only for good behavior,' they respond

Hollywood's hope for record summer fades
...but Al Gore says trend will continue until we bake

Wildfire jumps fireline in Lake Tahoe
...thereby qualifying for the Olympics

Expedition to look for 'Bigfoot' evidence in Michigan
...since that's likely where the truck was first built


6/27/07
Women journalists in Afghanistan face threats, attacks
...Actually, there's no demographic where this isn't true

Vacuum entrepreneur turns to hand-drying industry
...so sex toy enthusiasts will have to wait for the next development

Doctors back implanted devices to store medical records
...as their receptionists are out of room in the office

Symptoms of autism reversed in mice, scientists say
...meaning now you could probably beat them at blackjack

Fashion house founder, style icon Liz Claiborne dies at 78
...but still smells great

Italian women get privacy on new "No Men" beach
...or rather, women get the illusion while men get binoculars

Politician okays marijuana in food
...and compliments the chef profusely for offering

Paris Hilton vows to prove jail has changed her
...by posing nude to reveal where cellmate branded her


6/28/07
More than a foot of rain floods Texas
...just to show you how flat most of it is

Bindi Irwin follows in father's footsteps with new TV show
...Our condolences to the remaining family members in advance

Spice Girls reunite for world tour
...to demonstate how culturally impoverished we are globally

Supreme Court rules race cannot determine school choice
...though Dave Chapelle points out it does factor into musical preferences

U.S. military makes little effort to find, prosecute deserters
...since punishment wouldn't be as bad as going to Iraq

Tokyo teens enchanted by grown-up Harry Potter
...while the rest of us eagerly await Hermione's 18th birthday


6/29/07
Dems say march to racial unity not over
...but they're tired, so they're splitting cab fare the rest of the way

Industry emerges as businesses help employees to lose weight
...but bosses still need their weight to throw around

South Korea enforces new law to prevent cyber bullying
...but still grappling with bullying by nuclear neighbors

Ex-'Grey's' star says racism was a factor in firing
...as pretend doctor offers own second opinion

Pioneering 'trance' DJ plays with Boston Pops
...to an audience too stiff with arthritis to dance

PluggedIn: Young ad stars show old pros new tricks
...and crap we don't need to everyone else

Teletubbies can't beat people in teaching first words
...but the purple one beats people in leather bars most weekends

Eager customers finally get iPhones
...Next: A life

New York restaurants drop trans fats ahead of ban
...making the ban slip in greasy pool


6/30/07
Britain's postal workers deliver first strike in 11 years
...even though it was posted weeks after the previous one

'Transformers' $150 million budget may prove to be a bargain
...as an army of psychiatrists couldn't get these guys out their bedrooms otherwise

Nigerian school still without power after receiving laptops
...when spontaneous LAN party results in blown fuse box

Superstitious people hoping 07/07/07 will be a lucky day
...but it only will be for casino owners

Some flooded-out Texans return home
...as those boots come in handy sometime

Scientists fly into raptures over flightless Fred
...just to taunt the poor bird on its deficiencies

U.S. hospital, doctor visits balloon, survey finds
...Balloon reportedly doing better following visit


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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