The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

5/1/07
Lower turnout expected for immigration rallies across U.S.
...thus validating the very stereotypes of lazy immigrants they're protesting

Castro fails to appear at Cuba's May Day parade
...meaning six more weeks of dictatorship, tops

Quartet to meet some Arab states on Friday
...Specifically: Denial, paranoia, and insanity

Rumors of Spears concert sweep Southern California
...prompting many to evacuate the area

Spector trial delayed again over lawyer's illness
...after being prompted by defendant's illness


5/2/07
Early humans dug for sources of food, study suggests
...based on how dirty their nails always were

Cambodia zoo closes after rare animals disappear, die
...and cause food poisoning when improperly cooked

Experts target rice fields in Asia as climate culprit
...as global warming caused by crop steaming itself

Heart attack deaths worldwide decline sharply, study finds
...as shock jock Stern's move to satellite means fewer accidental listeners

Democrats weigh concessions after Bush veto
...like using smaller words in revised version of bill

Home Depot, Wal-Mart rolling out much smaller stores
...so Latino and Asian patrons can reach the top shelves

Next target of cell phone industry: navigation
...But they have no idea how to get there, ironically enough


5/3/07
Iraq lawmakers' vacation plans draw fire
...actually, they draw fire pretty much everywhere they go

DiCaprio, O'Donnell on Time magazine's most influential list
...and a more unlikely couple than Tom Cruise and, well, anyone

Busta Rhymes arrested in NYC on DUI charge
...as police bust a rhymer

Wal-Mart recalls bibs containing lead
...as they were ineffective at keeping kids in highchairs

Federal protection for rare Nevada butterfly denied
...as it can be found tattooed throughout dozens of brothels

Mercury may have molten fluid inside, researchers say
...Thermometers too, coincidentally.  Guess what it's called?

Obama placed under Secret Service protection
...which will probably be good practice for them

Episcopal Church faces divisions over gay issues
...whereas gays aren't exactly multiplying

Mercury's spin reveals molten, not solid core
...White House's spin reveals similar

Naked man superglued to exercise bike
...is lead contender for World's Most Chaffed Athlete


5/4/07
Diabetes may damage men's sperm, affect fertility
...which is why women get chocolates and not us

Rice, Iran's foreign minister have little contact
...at least while his wife is watching

Writer finds original Steinbeck manuscripts in closet
...where most published copies end up after high school

'Baywatch' star Hasselhoff admits battling alcoholism
...after being driven to it in a talking car

Tea drinkers may have lower skin cancer risk
...whereas coffee drinkers sit on the patio in the sun

Syphilis rise in gay, bisexual men causes worry
...that their wives will find out

Plan to combat climate change affordable, scientists say
...Surrender to it comes at an unimaginable price

DNA mutation causes heart disease in whites, study finds
...by making them gorge themselves at McDonalds

Dodge  Charger from 'Dukes of Hazzard' sells for $9.9 million
...making it the most expensive piece of white trash ever

Animal activists want chimp declared a 'person'
...but end up making monkies out of themselves


5/5/07
Prisons training service dogs for injured Iraq veterans
...Wait.  Prisons?  Dogs?  Iraq?  This sounds like bad news

New secularist protests pressure Turkish government
...that can't compete with semtex strapped to fundamentalists

Israeli defense minister plans to stay on for now
...and is pretty well fortified against being ousted

U.S. system trips up women seeking presidency
...by asking them what shoes they're going to debate in

Wind farms urged to go easy on birds and bats
...following truce with fruit farms they once targeted


5/6/07
Search resumes in tornado-hit Kansas town
...for any sign of 'intelligent design'

Vatican hands down first-ever drug conviction
...upon finding that wasn't incense convicted was smoking

France's next leader seen as friendly to U.S.
...but the rest of the country will remain characteristically rude

Survey shatters assumptions about how people use technology
...by finding they'll forego browsing porn sites to respond to a survey

"Spider-Man 3" smashes box office records
...then flees the scene chased by police

Paris Hilton sentenced to 45 days in jail
...Comedy writers free to phone it in for the next month


5/7/07
Search for tornado survivors goes on
...in Celine Dion's second attempt to cash in on tragedy

Bush's approval rating falls to all-time low of 28 percent
...where it hovers just above his IQ

Entrance fees to U.S. national parks going up
...Thanks to wildfires, so are the parks themselves

New Jersey Governor Corzine back to work after car crash
...No word yet on if he took the bus instead

High pomp welcomes Queen to White House
..."Did you just call me  'pomp'?" asks confused president

Astronomers spot brightest star explosion ever seen
...outside courtroom where Paris Hilton was sentenced earlier


5/8/07
NZ wine retailer says you are what you drink
...Wine aficionados recoil at being called 'bottled-up rotten fruits'

U.N.: Migratory birds, whales confused by global warming
...placing them roughly on par with most GOP senators

Cheney to reach out to moderate Arab leaders
...since he has the vote of Western fundamentalists already

Hollywood Hills fire forces evacuations
...Admittedly, that area has been flaming for years

Comcast in talks to air new movies on same day as theaters
...backed by pressure from agoraphobics


5/9/07
Japan gears up for perennial clash over whaling
...to be determined by outcome of robot boxing match

TV viewing may lead to learning problems for adolescents
...who imitate stunts seen on Jackass

Asia looks to rooftop gardens to keep cities cooler
...after Beatles became cool with 'Octopus Garden'

California churches provide safe haven for immigrants
...but altar boys, well, not so much

Archaeologists find 2,700-year-old fabric in Greece
...that was part of the first garment lost by ancient dry cleaners

Motorola plans movie-playing mobile phone
...to counter phones that ring in the theater while the movie is playing

Parent interviews may prevent child obesity
...by cutting time usually occupied with refilling the troughs


5/10/07
Blair set to announce his resignation
...comes about as unexpectantly as the iceberg in Titanic

Newseum gets $15 million gift ahead of reopening
...making headlines instead of just showcaing them

'Star Trek' actor's ashes lost after space trip
...when rocket breaks up because she couldn't take any more, Cap'n

New Jersey takes step toward banning executions
...which, if violated, the penalty will be death

Gene switch helps mice fix their own broken hearts
...after their mates left them for dirty rats

Milan hospital removes crucifixes, sparks row
...but officials say there's no need to fear vampire infestations

House rejects nine-month Iraq withdrawal plan
...Pull out now vs. bigger problems nine months later

Fashion icon Blow died of a drug overdose, probe finds
...but with a name like that...!

Thin people may be storing fat around organs
...say fat people who look for excuses to eat anything


5/11/07
Pope: Youths must avoid 'snares of evil'
...which is a thinly-veiled reference to pastors

MPAA adds smoking as factor in deciding film ratings
...but it's already an 'R' if they light up after sex

Britain's Brown vows to learn from Iraq
...better ways of dealing with soccer holligans

Iraq officials to push for U.S. support
...Push-up bras push for support as well

'Smart cameras' to tackle abandoned luggage alarms
...in strangest episode yet of 'Robot Wars'

Star nearly as old as universe, scientists discover
...upon carbon dating Elizabeth Taylor

Paris Hilton may not serve 45 days because of jail overcrowding
...as though she'd take up space except in front of the mirror

Two held in connection with Vegas bombing
...but dealer has three aces and wins the hand

Japan scraps plan to encourage breast-feeding
...upon noting their women have neither breasts nor babies anymore

Missouri floods expected to peak over weekend
...Missourians expected to peak their senior year of high school

Marketers 'deeply regret' botched cartoon stunt
...didn't boost ratings for anyone outside the news media

Pope tells Latin America to beware of hedonism
...clearly not realizing it's their primary export

Massive Mexico Mother's Day cake eyes record book
...for punchline to best 'yo momma's so fat' joke

Jolie: more kids, no wedding
...Conservatives: more heart attacks

Sake may power cars in the future
...instead of into walls like it does presently

Bullock gets order against female stalker
...to drive less than 55 MPH behind her

U.S. military sees parents as biggest recruiting barrier
...much like child molestors

School's healthy eating program helps children stay fit
...whereas cafeteria food usually induces anorexia


5/12/07
Iraqi officials discourage U.S. pullout
...saying they've been on the pill long enough now

Disney, Mexico company settle decades-old trademark dispute
...that kept Speedy Gonzales one step ahead of copyright lawyers

Bush promotes bipartisan immigration talks
...They'll have to be bilingual too, you know

Pope meets drug addicts in Brazil, warns traffickers
...that he's supplying the angel dust from now on, punks

Hollywood studios prepare for possible strike by writers
...by churning out poorly-written crap projects same as always

Cat survives trip from China to North Carolina in crate
...Next they'll try a brick, a canvas bag, and a body of water

Witness granted immunity in prosecutors probe
...reads headline so vague there's no case to read it

Teenager becomes Indiana's youngest coroner
...and is the envy of all her goth friends


5/13/07
Pope decries Latin America's rich-poor gap
...while draped in robes more lavish than Liberace

Key meeting weighs opening Nazi archive
...against fears of their faces melting

Rice goes to Moscow to mend ties
...Who knew she could sew?

Turkish protesters rally to keep country secular
...upon noting the decline of the U.S. in recent years

Simple workout urged for pregnant women on bed rest
...but not resting in bed got them in that condition to begin with


5/14/07
Cerberus to buy 80 percent of Chrysler
...according to one of the corporation's three heads

Ahmadinejad blames U.S. for Mideast ills
...Yeah, it was paradise when Iraq was under a dictator

Palestinian interior minister resigns
...placing him on the exterior looking in

Parents outraged after Tenn. teachers stage fake gun attack
...as it was academic dishonesty to use fake guns

Ford family says not discussing sale of holdings
...for five years or under they're 50,000 miles away

Scientists say Irish dolphins may have developed own brogue
...which is why no one can understand anything they say either

Potential '08 candidate Thompson likely leaving 'Law & Order'
...seeing as how presidential campaigns are lawless and disorderly

Palestinians renew deal to end violence after deaths
...Reality check: Few dead are violent outside of Romero movies

Mars experiment might help Earthling insomniacs
...because sometimes science is just that boring

Soccer stars win sex toy suit
...But will they be able to play in it?

High blood pressure affects nearly one billion worldwide
...but please try not to get too stressed out about it!

Bald eagle may no longer be threatened species
...as GQ declaration that bald is cool boosts their confidence

Romney believes U.S. voters will accept a Mormon
...That's not applause; it's the sound of doors slamming in their faces


5/15/07
U.S. will remember France's Chirac for anti-Iraq war stance
...that results in time-wasting politicians coining 'Freedom Fries'

Oft-quoted professor considered ambassador of pop culture
...to patch things when hostilities were invoked by Madonna

Doctors looking for early signs of autism, ADD in babies
...are probably antisocial and easily distracted

Air pollution turning India's iconic Taj Mahal yellow
...unless it gets a new liver soon

Skull fossil suggests human ancestors had pea-sized brains
...Presidential primaries suggest things really haven't changed

U.S.: Wolfowitz should not be fired for mistakes
...or there'd be grounds for impeaching the president after every speech

NASA's robotic submarine to explore world's deepest sinkhole
...at the bottom of the Enron scandal

Cosmic crash leaves ring of dark matter: NASA
...and no amout of Whisk will remove it

ABC turns to cavemen, modern women, for new lineup
...not just for its viewers as it traditionally has


5/16/07
TV evangelist Jerry Falwell dies at 73
...Atheists' prayers are answered

Greenpeace builds Noah's Ark replica on Mount Ararat
...just in case they need to protest any whalers in the area

Dan Rather making acting debut on new ABC drama
...if you don't count the fake news item that put him out of work

Oil industry says not overcharging motorists for gasoline
...so much as supplying the lube with which to screw them

West Nile virus decimates bird populations in U.S. suburbs
...leaving kids only windows to shoot with their bb guns

U.S. war czar's big battles will be bureaucratic
...as the Red Menace this time is made of tape

Court okays Google tiny sex images
...as it doesn't threaten their manhood at that scale

Mom drives son to rob jewelry store
...in order to fund further nature vs. nurture research

Sherpa makes record 17th ascent of Mount Everest
...and hopes to make record 17th descent as well


5/17/07
Giuliani, Edwards report income
...Next they'll drop their pants if you have a ruler

Branches of Russian church reunite after 80-year split
...much like redneck family trees in under a generation

Paris Hilton's jail term reduced by half for good behavior
...after judge rules tabloids are inadmissable

Air bags may be dangerous for tall, short people
...if Randy Newman had been telling the whole story

TV network cancels cult hit 'Veronica Mars'
...as the sexy PI apparently couldn't track down viewers

Chromium in drinking water causes cancer: U.S. agency
...which is old news for anyone who saw Erin Brockovich

Belarus shut out of U.N. human rights body
...by an incredibly tight sphincter


5/18/07
Immigration deal faces tough road
...that is blocked by barbed wire and armed guards

U.S. Army lab applies sports medicine to battlefield
...Next: Gatorade to seek an endorsement deal

Florida Lottery says winning ticket may be misprint
...according to recount officials who note hanging chads

Iraq war spending bill stymied after talks
...Actually most are stymied by listening to Bush talk

College forces pregnancy tests on students
...after boyfriends force 'just one more drink' on them


5/19/07
Scientists observe merging black holes in new detail
...by surveying shareholders about opinions on the merger

Climate change could harm sunflowers in Kansas, report finds
...since evolution has been outlawed there

U2 gets digital 3D treatment for new concert film
...as Bono's ego couldn't be captured in just two dimensions

Moore film attacks U.S. health care
...No word on whether insurance will cover injuries sustained

Beverly Hills teenager held in hammer attack
...in a toolbox

WHO postpones decision on smallpox until 2011
...by which time a plague could make the question moot


5/20/07
Fats Domino returns to New Orleans stage
...which was reinforced for obvious reasons

New Orleans worries as Atlantic hurricane season nears
...that they won't be drunk enough this time

Iraq's president heads to U.S. to lose weight
...as running for his life in a desert wasn't doing it

Bush reportedly preparing for British U-turn on Iraq
...by getting an extra-narrow set of blinders to stay the course

Jerry Falwell's sons, parishioners vow to carry on
...their efforts to set the country back to the Dark Ages

Former Justice O'Connor says court should follow precedent
...as opposed to the president which is how they're leaning


5/21/07
U.S. cities may be approaching 'tipping point' for rising crime
...as increasingly obese population can't run from muggers

Thousands agree to donate their bodies to plastination
...after having grown up watching Joan Rivers on tv

Rare Raphael portrait expected to fetch over $19M at auction
...as rabid fans covet any artwork of the famous ninja turtle

Woman still likes gorilla despite attack
...and is poster girl for domestic abuse

Hundreds flock to Nepal shrine for "sweating" idol
...with deodorants from around the world

Viagra shown to aid jet-lagged travelers
...who nap after rubbing one out to fantasies of stewardesses

Gel made from patient's blood speeds healing
...and holds hair in place for up to 12 hours

Monkey dead from bubonic plague in Denver
...Tedd and the Pirates to open; Show starts at 11pm

MySpace exposes sex predators
...or expose themselves on MySpace

Bush says he still supports Gonzales
...but we've found the weapons of mass corruption


5/22/07
Hong Kong attracting Chinese immigrants of all classes
...though Mao would say there are no classes

Gingrich may join White House race in November
...actually he'll support anything called 'white' and 'race'

One drink per day may slow onset of dementia
...but seven on the weekend will bring it on temporarily

Climber makes first cell phone call from Everest summit
...to transmit the sound of his teeth chattering

Younger U.S. Muslims more likely to support suicide attacks
...if they listen to emo music

Active Atlantic hurricane season seen
...based on ticket sales so far

Hints of past hot springs found on Mars
...can be found in old tourist brochures from NASA

CNN in deal to offer more local news on Internet
...than anyone could ever care about

Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair
...sometime after the first flight of stairs

Tomato-killing virus detected in California for first time
...as retaliation for previous attacks of the killer tomatos

Study reveals top 10 rainiest cities in the U.S.
...based on the number of umbrellas sold annually

Female hammerhead sharks fertilize own eggs, study finds
...because they're too ugly for their own males to mate with


5/23/07
Italians criticize high prices for Streisand tickets
...as if simply not buying them wouldn't work

Study: Good daycare can overcome disadvantaged childhood
...who later in life would otherwise be overcome in a drug bust

Thailand's famed puppeteer Sakorn Yangkhiawsod dies at 85
...Coffin will be made to dance as it is lowered into grave at funeral

Group offering $1M prize for new cancer research ideas
...rejected my idea to sequence George Burns' genome

Wayward whales' injuries concern scientists
...who suspect they've gotten into prostitution

Naked U.S. tourist shocks German city
...reads week's most ironic headline

Thousands of clay pots found at ancient Greece shrine
...after millenia-long stalemate in whose turn it was to wash the dishes

Memo urges Sen. Clinton to bypass Iowa
...written in bulletholes on interstate billboards

'Star Wars' fans to sit in theater for 17 hours
...Thanks to catheters they more machines than men now

Panda at Memphis Zoo is pregnant
...the first in the state not to be by a first cousin


5/24/07
U.S. appeals stands by Exxon Valdez damages
...which leaves them covered under an oil slick

Colored fungi soaks up sun's radiation, converts it to fuel
...which the lazy white fungi then exploit

Footprints in lake suggest some land dinosaurs could swim
...without getting a cramp less than an hour after eating

Bush says summer critical for Iraq strategy
...Note: There is no time someone isn't critical of Iraq strategy

Florida tries to wipe out cat-sized African rats
...with lion-sized African cats (i.e., lions)

Lebanon leader vows to uproot militants
...though that's all that grows in that climate

Iran says nuclear work nearing 'peak'
...or as we would say: 'Critical mass'

Minimum wage increase to become reality after 10 years
...which, thanks to inflation, is back where it started

Reggie the alligator believed captured in L.A.
...after being spotted in his trademark gator boots


5/25/07
Millions to hit the roads and airports
...including Jack who won't come back no mo', no mo', no mo', no mo'

U.S. government to stop breeding chimps for research
...and concentrate purely on making movie parodies with them

Larger hospitals better for treating premature babies, study finds
...as shown in a graph demonstrating inverse proportionality

Obama, Clinton side with anti-war Democrats
...as if there were any other kind

Phones that tell you where to drive, meet, eat
...probably have your wife on the other end of them

Cinemas use night goggles to nab pirates
...after success of 19th century British navy with same



5/26/07
Gene therapy may help relieve arthritis pain in mice
...that keeps them from evading the arm of the mouse trap

Company ordered to turn over copies of O.J. Simpson's book
...to see if blood-stained dust jacket will fit it

Bobblehead doll forces evacuation of 300 in Washington
...Contrast this with 300 Spartans vs. army of thousands of Persians

Second astronaut fired in NASA love triangle
...whuch now holds the title of Most Star-Crossed Lovers

Swarm of bees forces passenger plane to land
...since technically bees shouldn't be able to fly

City officials in Roswell want to build alien theme park
...if Bush's guest worker program allows them to be on the payroll


5/27/07
U.S. raids in Iraq target Shiite cells
...after having destroyed stem cells on GOP orders

Chinese mitten crab worries Chesapeake Bay researchers
...who see the cute name as the proverbial sheep's clothing

Autism's rise may reflect broader definition, better diagnosis
...plus they usually dress like Trekkies

Paul Newman to retire from acting
...to make room for up-and-comers like Tom Cruise

Turning off gene makes mice smarter
...much as a tv funchtions in humans


5/28/07
Wolfowitz blames media for World Bank resignation
...while neo-Nazis claim both are controlled by the same

Senate bill would urge farmers to grow energy crops
...such as power plants

New species of limbless lizard found in India
...or as we call them over here: snakes

TV networks try to keep viewers from skipping commercials
...by sneaking over and hiding the remote in the cushions of your couch

Cannes pulls it off with top films, popular winner
...Cannes: Where moviemakers pull off one another

California prisons trying to reduce inmate suicides
...by moving up execution dates

Genetics play role in political preferences, study finds
...as deficits in pigmentation often result in GOP votes


5/29/07
U.N. probing reports of arms smuggling into Lebanon
...after finding them stored in sleeves

Astronomers discover 28 new planets outside solar system
...which maybe explain why your horoscope doesn't work

Russian official: Missile can penetrate any defense system
...given enough time and alcohol

N.Y. prison creates dementia unit for aging inmates
...who can't remember what they're supposed to be sorry for

American al-Qaida militant warns of worse attacks
...of dellusional thinking by extremists

U.S. history enjoys a renaissance
...as historians can't find anything to compare the present to

Microsoft to unveil coffee-table-shaped computer
...in case you thought spilling coffee on your keyboard was bad

Man wrestles leopard in his bedroom
...[Insert obvious pussy pun here]


5/30/07
Fred Thompson plans step toward presidential candidacy
...by distancing himself from Law & Order the way Bush has

New device could stop chatter in movie theaters
...It's a dvd player, and that's why no one goes anymore

Anti-war movement shrugs off setbacks
...such as the lack of any catchy songs this time around

Cosmonauts venture out to reinforce space station
...after space tourists vandalized the place

Stressed-out moms at risk of poor mental health
...but they were crazy to get pregnant to begin with

U.S. investigates how TB traveler crossed border
...but from the ticket stub I'd say he was airborne


5/31/07
Economy has worst growth since 2002
...when it had an inflated cyst removed

Cocaine, marijuana particles found in Rome air, scientists say
...could explain why Fellini films are so hard to follow

Lab study hints Viagra may harm male fertility
...meaning it's a wonder drug as far as most are concerned

Tribute band lookalikes turning to plastic surgery
...much like the characters they try to emulate

Fighting resumes at Lebanon refugee camp
...Jerry Springer's security to be flown in to assist


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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