The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

4/1/07
Sydney blacks out for global warming
...Actually, I think they prefer the term "aborigines"

Protesters mob British embassy in Tehran
...to demand they take their prisoners back

Edwards' wife: No interest in Cabinet
...so they'll probably get rid of it in the garage sale

Ahmadinejad vows news soon on atomic work
...Can't say when though since their atomic clock is off

Pet owners likely to get little in suits
...or those cute little doggie sweaters either

States driving health reforms
...over the border to get cheap prescriptions

Clinton presidential campaign raises record $26 million
...beating out opening weekend of 'TMNT'

Ex-health secretary Tommy Thompson declares 2008 bid
...saying: 'See me.  Feeeeel me.'

Los Angeles suffers longest dry spell in 130 years
...Brittany Spears hasn't been dry in LA in 130 days even

Pelosi conveying Israel message to Syria
...by passing notes in the back of the class


4/2/07
Study finds more air delays, lost bags
...Airport workers can't find them, but researchers do?

Iran radio reports 'positive changes' with Britain
...in oblique reference to new Cat Stevens album

New caves spur further search for life on Mars
...and a possible lead in the Bin Laden hunt

'Star Trek' actor Doohan's ashes set for blast-off
...making even the Hubble telescope tear up

Russian expert says Iran can make nuclear weapons
...It's just that dynamite is easier to accessorize with vests


4/3/07
Stretched army sends troops back to Iraq
...to teach the insurgents yoga so they'll learn to relax

Romney credits financial lead to message
...from his broker with ideas on where to invest campaign funds

Swedish couple fights to name baby girl 'Metallica'
...and they'll head bang anyone who tries to stop them

British hacker loses U.S. extradition appeal
...as legal firewalls don't contain him either

Mortgage crisis calls American Dream into question
...for not keeping up its payments

Film critic Ebert plans "return to action"
...making directors regret ever calling "Action"

Experts worry ethanol boom could worsen world hunger
...even more than legalizing marajuana

Queen Elizabeth hires firm to audit palace carbon emissions
...'Even the Queen,' as they say

Keith Richards says he snorted ashes of his father
...bringing number of things he hasn't snorted to zero


4/4/07
Halle Berry honored with Hollywood 'Walk of Fame' star
...so tourists can do to her what guys in her last few relationships did

'Hotel Rwanda' hero accused of profiting from publicity
...that is reserved for movie people who profitted from his story

Computers hinder mammogram readings, report finds
...because radiologists are too busy on email to check them

Income and food cost concerns affect diet: study
...'Duh,' say homeless

Two bald eagles hatch on California's Catalina Island
...Plastic surgeons vie for the right to give them hair plugs

Late Ed Bradley among top Peabody winners
...but is expected to snub award ceremony this year

Pollen can make it difficult for police to lift fingerprints
...since it would be bad to sneeze with all that dust around

Thailand enlists women to negotiate with female protesters
...Talks expected to go on and on and on and on and on and...


4/5/07
Freed Britons arrive at Tehran airport
...and note the irony of being forced through metal detectors

Earth's protective magnetic field older than thought
...as it is starting to develop lines

Endangered turtles to swim conservation 'race' across Pacific
...to raise awareness and funds for a tropical rehab clinic

New York City may push circumcision to fight AIDS
...but where will they find a mohel in New York?!

La Nina may form in Pacific, but timing, strength uncertain
...says her publicist and choreographer

Democrats hoping to avoid second Iraq funding-bill veto
...by impeaching Bush

Doggy DNA: Scientists have dog size mystery licked
...after experiments in a different kind of lab(radore)

95-year-old woman traps thief
...by putting Fixodent on the soles of his shoes

Halle Berry is set to go bald for new movie
...after seeing it only helped Bruce Willis' career

Headrests unsafe in many cars, crash tests reveal
...and gearshifts not an effective contraceptive either


4/6/07
Thai doctors separate conjoined twins with shared hearts
...in heartbreaking episode of [generic hospital drama]

Author says evidence suggests Alger Hiss wasn't a spy
...Exhibit A: Spys take names far less conspicuoussss ssssounding

N.J. court examines reliability of breath-test machines
...in hopes of improving quality of jury selection

Cinnamon doesn't help control diabetes, despite earlier findings
...once cinnamon Schnapps were included in the sample

'Sopranos' star says timing right for series' end
...as he woulda whacked it for not payin' him his due


4/7/07
Study: Stroke risk linked to lack of health insurance
...as they are frequently elicited by viewing doctor's bills

Jackie Chan launches TV show to find next action-movie hero
...Contestants must be able to move lips out of synch with dialogue

'Days of Our Lives' star Edward Mallory dies at 76
...when his metaphorical hourglass runs out

U.S. billionaire blasts into space on Russian rocket
...which is the equivalent of flying coach, to be honest

Al Sharpton calls for Imus resignation over comments
...after nappy-headed host calls the kettle black

Ivory Coast's Gbagbo names government led by rebel
...but odds are it will be hard to pronounce

U.S. software mogul blasts into space
...in high-profile wireless upload

Iran asks U.K. to help it mend relations
...after seeing that they can even calm the fighting Irish

Forecaster: Warming not behind hurricane activity
...but either way, New Orleans is in front of it

'No weirdness' allowed on China's version of `Idol'
...whereas it's standard on Billy Idol


4/8/07
Cold snap puts chill on Easter festivity
...by making Peeps too gummy to chew

Insider: Missteps soured Iraqis on U.S.
...and, uh, backward religious dogma helped as well

'Sopranos' leaves rich legacy as series ends
...as well as leaving rich tv execs

Vote on two stem cell bills set for U.S. Senate this week
...will likely divide into four, then eight bills before differentiating

Zimbabwe bishops urge President Mugabe to leave
...more in the collection plate to help atone in advance


4/9/07
Manatees may be on verge of losing 'endangered' status
...but government may let them open casinos

Imus 'embarrassed' by racial remarks
...Skeptics note that he isn't embarrassed to wear a cowboy hat

Russia's space race lead may be short-lived - experts
...noting how quickly space tourism will grow passe among the rich

Britain bans paid interviews for military personnel
..Shoot first, answer questions later, say superiors

South Korean wolf cloning team under investigation
...after protests from sheep lobbyists


4/10/07
N. Korea told time running out for deal
...Act now, operators are standing by

Gay students often struggle at black colleges
...to meet the impossible standards set by Ru Paul

Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery pleads guilty for fraud
...after failing to outrun the authorities

Sex differences found in stem cells, study finds
...but Gloria Steinem's going to hang onto that nurture argument

Diabetics more prone to mild memory problems
...such as when to take their insulin

Imus calls his suspension 'appropriate'
...Many hopeful they can call it 'foreshadowing'

Working near chlorine pools tied to lung problems
...second only to working beneath the surface of them


4/11/07
N. Korea wants to delay reactor shutdown
...which will cause reactions of a different kind

Bush, Democrats quarrel about Iraq money talks
...They all agree that money talks, just not which language

"Birdman" in hospital after test flight
...Doctors say he's nowhere near ready to leave the nest

Exercise linked to less anxiety, depression
...over how you look in that dress

McCain, his campaign slumping, backs Bush Iraq plan
...or maybe this headline is back asswards like his politics


4/12/07
Explosion rocks Iraqi parliament
...Shareef don't like it! say The Clash

White House: Some emails on fired attorneys may be lost
...through judicious and conveniently-timed use of the Delete key

Researchers pinpoint gene linked to obesity risk
...that was hidden beneath rolls of other genetic material

Hells Angels to organize a benefit party
...though the Stones declined to appear

Great Expectations for Dickens theme park
...which promises the best of times and the worst of times

China's Wen pushes charm offensive in Japan
...pioneered by the charming but offensive Frank-n-Furter

Apple delays new operating system
...whereas MS operating systems delay users


4/13/07
N.J. governor critical after SUV crash
...mostly of the other driver

Healthier food, drinks slowly entering school lunchrooms
...by being hurled in food fights

Britain announces winner of oddest book title prize
...contenders include anything with 'by Jenny McCarthy'

Bombings, gunbattles on rise in Afghanistan
...On decline: Property values

Human error blamed in failure of NASA Mars craft
...not Martian skeet shooters as previously thought

Bone stem cells may morph into sperm: report
...since sperm originate from your bone stem

Alcohol-free areas dry up in Texas
...after tetotalling pastors told to do the same

Police gaffe makes Muslims pray in wrong direction
...Note: There is actually not correct direction to pray

Professors: Bush library may affect university's reputation
...on account of it sounding like an oxymoron


4/14/07
Poll: Most Americans filing taxes online
...while they're blowing their return playing online poker

North Korea misses deadline for shutting down reactor
...but not in the same sense as Chernobyl did

Injured N.J. governor recovering after leg surgery
...Doctors advise him to stretch before running in primaries

Genetic engineers race to produce ethanol without corn
...after alchemists blew their beer money on lad stockpiles

Moscow police beat anti-Putin protesters
...and not just at soccer

Palestinians approve plan to fight lawlessness
...by passing laws against lawless behavior of any kind


4/15/07
Fan sites look back at rise of Harry Potter popularity
...and realize they're actually tracking that of Hermione

Rattlesnake meat cure can cause salmonella: study
...Note: Salmonella cure worse than rattlesnake bite

Strait, Brooks & Dunn to sing at country awards
...says reporter with generous definition of 'singing'

Sea lion mauls teen surfer in Australia
...to illustrate the definition of 'gnarley' for the noobs

Gonzales says memory of firings hazy
...though not nearly so to those with pink slips

Cheney hasn't called Libby since CIA leak trial
...which is typically expected after you screw a guy

Two Anna Nicole Smith diaries fail to sell at auction
...upon the revelation they were written by a pair of boobs

Cheney, Democrats spar over Iraq bill
...Specifically, who's going to get the tip?

Sir Edmund Hillary urges climbers to keep Mt. Everest clean
...because street sweepers don't have the traction to get up there


4/16/07
Bush prods Congress on Iraq
...Again it would seem this headline is backwards

Popular Berlin Zoo polar bear sick
...of being thought as so great because they're white

Gonzales admits being 'less than precise' on firings
...Specifically, his aim was clearly to the left

Iran frees two Swedes jailed for espionage
...since no one believes they would try to pass as spies

Lopez, Anthony to sue National Enquirer over drug claims
...after advertised diet suppliments had no effect on her ass

Many U.S. parents admit to bribing their children
...but then ground them for ethics violations

Adobe player frees viewers to watch video offline
...Much like tv has done for decades already

Edward Norton to play Bruce Banner in 'Hulk' film
...Spoiler alert: Brad Pitt plays the Hulk


4/17/07
Global warming could spur 21st century conflicts, experts warn
...but you can bet they won't be fought with snowmobiles

Middle Eastern-themed school in NYC stirs debate
...about what the official language should be for cabbies

J.R.R. Tolkien novel goes on sale 34 years after his death
...and will take nearly as long to be read on average

Trans fats substitutes may be unhealthy, experts say
...leaving only one possible option: anorexia

Disney to offer character-inspired wedding gowns
...to identify brides too immature to be getting married

Iraq PM says government not weakened by Sadr pullout
...In fact, it's preferable to Sadr getting it pregnant

Russian intelligence summons Kasparov for questioning
...after their pawns failed to fence him in

Senate leader warns against rush for stricter gun laws
...saying he'll defend his position with a pair of automatics

Hollywood prepares to unleash summer of sequels
...which sounds like a horror movie in its own right


4/18/07
Paris Hilton heading to court for probation-violation hearing
...over carrying hazardous materials across state lies: Her vagina

Alaska whalers cancel beluga hunt due to low numbers
...on their IQ tests

Iran: Military not affected by sanctions
...because they're trained to be stoic

Dave Chappelle sets comedy club's endurance record
...but the audcience really deserves a medal

Belgrade horses to be sedated for Rolling Stones concert
...and the audience will sure to medicate themselves

French candidates vie for undecided vote
...i.e., votes from those with no confidence

Horses may be drugged for Stones gig
...Odds are "Wild Horses" won't be on the set list

Madonna's Malawi visit draws cheers, questions
...much like most of her other tours


4/19/07
Student loan probe moves Congress to act
...whereas who knows what moved Fred Thompson to Congress

Kenya's wildlife community divided over hunting ban
...The prey are happy, but predators say they'll starve

Antipsychotic drugs may affect sexual function
...but Sharon Osborne is obviously a patient woman

Gonzales dismisses calls for resignation
...just like he did those liberal lawyers

N.J. ex-governor teaches ethics after sex scandal
...and will give an 'A' to any student who sleeps with him

Top NFL prospects reportedly admit marijuana use
...and you thought they talked like that from the concussions


4/20/07
Marvel spins 'Spider Man' into Broadway musical
...as though the tights weren't gay enough already

FDA says pet food may have been intentionally tainted
...by neighbors aggravated by all the barking

Gates: Iraq progress to determine troop levels
...Progress is presently around the (throwing) Stone Age

Pope revises church stance on 'limbo' for unbaptized babies
...based on, well, nothing approaching evidence

Scientists equip narwhals as arctic oceanographers
...who are even hornier than your average arctic oceanographer


4/21/07
Mobile phones represent next frontier for search
...though they render having to search for you redundant

Sunnis complain about Baghdad barrier
...that their actions demanded be erected

Black hole cluster breathes out enormous gas cloud
...after swallowing everything but breath mints

Human brain has origin in worms and bugs, researchers say
...after watching 48 straight hours of Mtv

Dutch coffee shops say cannabis smoke here to stay
...since it won't wash out of the curtains or anywhere else


4/22/07
N.J. couple planning 1,000 days alone at sea
...Betting pool on when one'll drown the other is deeper than the sea

Hawaii aims to deter religious offerings at volcano
...as though they could be more effective than molten lava

Sports agent calls concussions a 'ticking time bomb'
...though they caused his clients to sign for 50%

Mexican Catholics protest plan to legalize abortion
...that American Republicans ironically can't wait for

Vanishing honeybees mystify scientists
...and most others not sure just what stung them

Obesity rising in Europe, especially in children
...as opera stars make poor role models


4/23/07
Bush gives Gonzales vote of confidence despite criticism
...and, oh, yeah... evidence on his behalf

China firms showcase natural gas, ethanol-fueled eco-cars
...that won't shrink in the wash

World leaders praise Yeltsin's courage
...for not letting anyone drink him under the table

Obama: Bush falls short as a world leader
...or even the median American IQ

Top Vatican archbishop calls gay marriage an 'evil'
...that distracts priests from raping altar boys

Russell Simmons calls for end to 'offensive words' in music
...and due to afffirmative action, musicians will only play minor chords

U.S. unloads record bust of 20 tons of cocaine
...as drug smuggling in fake implants reaches new extremes

Teachers "purify" students with cow urine
...Oh, but when the kids do it, that's unacceptable behavior


4/24/07
Gonzales says he's staying on the job
...Democrats say no; Turnabout is fair play

Study: Overweight workers cost employers more
...in elevator repairs

Rare Sumatran rhino filmed in the wild for first time
...though video sales nowhere near 'Girls Gone Wild' series

Bush stands firm against Iraq timetable
...and also refuses to memorize his times tables

James Brown's band to carry on his legacy with U.S. tour
...Tour bus to recklessly cross the country pursued by police

Potentially habitable planet found
...in time to replace the one we've made uninhabitable


4/25/07
Convicted N.H. tax evaders refuse to leave home
...thus putting our tax dollars to work in form of SWAT teams

Russia bids farewell to Yeltsin
...though cremation may last for days

Rosie O'Donnell leaving 'The View' after only one year
...after revealing she has one

Horses lead humans in stem cells race
...even though hooves make it difficult to hold pipettes

Calls for Wolfowitz's resignation from World Bank grow
...at 6% compounded quarterly


4/26/07
Hugh Grant arrested over "baked beans attack"
...whereas Gas-Ex would have been a better solution

Putin slams foreigners who interfere with Russian affairs
...much like Afghanistan did them in the '80s

U.S. unemployment claims down despite sluggish economy
...because few can afford gas to go to the unemployment office

Intelligence not linked to wealth, study finds
...once you factor in Keanu Reeves

Civil unions measure passes in New Hampshire
...thereby firmly establishing the powerlessness of prayer

Former CIA director Tenet: 'We don't torture people'
...'All our methods kill painlessly,' he added under his breath

U.S. let 'comfort women' persist in Japan after WWII surrender
...since they kind of needed them most right about then

House Democrats eye tax increases for wealthy
...before they can donate more to GOP candidates

Sports writer for L.A. Times says he is a transsexual
...who passed the ball for a wide receiver

U.S. schools may join 'One Laptop per Child' project
...as it sounds like a good trade

Dems fault Bush over Iraq in 1st debate
...so it wasn't much to debate, really

NFL likely to conduct neurological tests in training camp
...to figure out what these idiots are doing there


4/27/07
Two men admit to illegally importing whale teeth
...Legally these can only be imported by whale gums

Woman, 95, to be world's oldest college graduate
...after changing her major a record 9,284 times

N.Y. governor to propose legalizing gay marriage
...leading to a plethora proposals of another kind

Virginia Tech students get questionnaires about Cho
...that are more stressful than more pop quizzes

Video game aims to hook children on Shakespeare
...or at least the three of them that actually buy it first


4/28/07
Bush official linked to call-girl probe
...is a step up from that one in the gay porn

New book delves into darker side of human nature
...like all Stephen King's other works

Low-dose aspirin won't help aging brain, study find
...as Dennis the Menace still give Mr. Wilson a headache

Obama vows to 'turn the page' on Iraq
...though many shudder at similar use of that phrase by Mark Foley

South Korean team cleared in cloned wolf probe
...Comic book readers know not to mess with Cloned Wolf and Cub


4/29/07
U.S. health agency stages bird flu war game
...to see if chickens really are

Democrats woo voters with attacks on Bush
...David Letterman currently the front-runner in the race

McCain defends conservative credentials
...with the military he amassed for that purpose

Russia says U.S. snubbed offer for joint moon exploration
...Note: U.S. rarely snubs offers for joints

Kate Moss clothing launch stirs fashion frenzy
...but not a feeding frenzy since they only come in size 2


4/30/07
Schools across U.S. banning iPods to beat cheaters
...since those mp3s were probably downloaded illegally

Egypt seeks temporary return of overseas artifacts
...but can't come get them for fear of another Moses incident

Doctors explore procedures for scar-free surgery
...such as patients dying on the table before they heal

Virginia governor closes gun loophole
...with one of those new-fangled trigger locks

Georgia wildfire expected to burn through week
...since calendar was printed on flamable material

Accused D.C. call-girl madam also a stock picker
...which is what the kids are calling it these days

Brain scans pinpoint cannabis mental health risk
...previously highlighted in many Cheech & Chong movies


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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