The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

3/1/07
Will the incandescent light bulb fizzle into obscurity?
...since you don't need light to read news off computer screens

Ohio wants special car plates for sex offenders
...as if personalized platers weren't offensive enough already

Robert Blake appeals $30 million civil verdict
...on grounds he can't kill enough people to make that kind of dough

Prescription drug abuse likely to exceed use of illegal drugs
...once you factor in Rush Limbaugh's habits

EU warns Microsoft of possible further fines
...that won't even make a dent in their quarterly earnings

Rules force man to urinate in bottle in exam
...just like most drug exams


3/2/07
NYPD hires group to study stop-and-frisk policy
...after hookers submit bills for unpaid services

15 European tourists seized in Ethiopian desert
...for being stupid enough to tour the Ethiopian desert

'Cheers' Ratzenberger steps in for Pastore on 'Dancing'
...after the dance floor is hastily reinforced

Giuliani stresses record, woos U.S. conservatives
...much like he did his mistress

U.S. ready to unfreeze North Korean assets
...if N. Korea agrees not to start nuclear winter

Former child soldier asks world to act on war crimes
...in the opposite career path as child actors usually take


3/3/07
Bush visits Alabama school hit by twister
...to explain how this was 'intelligent design'

Sanyo to share battery recall cost with Lenovo
...which is a positive on one side and a negative on the other

Topless wife photo ends man's pole protest
...while raising poles elsewhere

Bio-artists bridging divide between art and science
...with a hyphen

Group using cameras to help save endangered tigers
...They feed them photographers by giving them short-range lenses


3/4/07
Tribe revokes freed slaves' membership
...and their scalps

Video-game makers gather to discuss future of gaming
...because they've wanted light cycles since seeing Tron in 1982

NAACP president resigns after just 19 months at helm
...saying he got tired of fighting image black people are quitters

Hurley marries in secret ceremony
...almost as secret as her career has been lately

Teenagers force young children to smoke marijuana
...once they get tired of getting the dog drunk


3/5/07
Cutting-edge technology finding way into more cars
...much like the thieves looking to pawn it

Childhood obesity may trigger early puberty
...which will be even more frustrating without dates

Some states put untrained police officers on duty
...seeing as how eating donuts doesn't require training

Penguins declare arena impasse, to actively pursue moving
...or marching (since they have that pretty much trademarked)

Four Arab-Americans charge harassment by FedEx
...who declined to touch any sealed package from Muslims

Researchers discover spider "chastity belt"
...required since males have eight shifty eyes

Where Indian women lead, a better life follows
...See Kama Sutra, chapters 2, 4, 7, and 8


3/6/07
Lawmakers vow Walter Reed scandal probe
...but probably wouldn't wash it before operating

Bausch & Lomb recalls second contact lens solution
...Irony detector notes that solutions make for funny problems

Fired U.S. attorneys begin testifying before Congress
...and will be running for it where skills and ethics aren't required

Scientists study seabed where Earth's crust is missing
...to see if theives left any clues

First woman in space dreams of flying to Mars
...to see that that's really where men are from

Naomi Campbell to mop NY floors in gloves and vest
...the ideal accessories to beat someone without leaving a trace

GM plans production of all-electric car for 2010
...as a gallon of gas will cost as much as a new car by then

Winemaker Ernest Gallo dies in California at 97
...Cremation will likely continue burning for a week

Obi-Wan Kenobi's brown cloak sells for $104,000
...though technically the buyer was paying for Vader's footprint on it


3/7/07
U.S. Treasury chief hails strength of world economy
...noting that we in position to buy out Mars while its assets are frozen

Publisher shutting down Premiere movie magazine
...to demonstrate the exact opposite of a premiere

Skills training for parents helps kids lose weight
...Weight training for kids does the same

2 winners in Mega Millions $370M jackpot
...can now afford weapons to attack one another

More than 30 Vermont towns seek to impeach Bush
...much more than required to screw in a light bulb

Scientists find distinct 'dialects' in whale singing
...A fact which Simon Cowell ridicules before dismissing them

Dutch 'Iceman' to climb Everest wearing shorts
...and to endorse his signature series of prosthetic limbs

'In God We Trust' mistakenly left off some dollar coins
...Atheists declare it a miracle as their prayers are answered

Georgia trucker claims half of $390M lottery
...He'll be back with an empty truck for the other half

NASA fires troubled astronaut
...into the sun

Far more mutations than thought involved in cancer
...Indictments may reach as high as the presidency

Surgery in the sun lures patients to Thailand
...Also lured: Flies

Legless panda needs a hand to improve sex life
...reads typical Villiage Voice personals ad


3/8/07
Woman awakens after six years, slips back
...just after hitting the snooze button

Bush heads to Latin America to boost ties
...This from a president who can't tie his own

Effects of climate change concern hunters, anglers
...yet they'll still vote GOP the way the NRA says to

Thousands in Brazil protest Bush's Latin America tour
...for prices too high for them to afford concessions

S. Carolina may reduce inmate jail time for donating organs
...even though their cellmates might end up harvesting them

Teens experimenting with steroids earlier, survey finds
...some as early as just after homeroom


3/9/07
Older stars say Grand Ole Opry is pushing them out
...without the threat of Johnny Cash kicking out their lights

FBI underreported use of USA Patriot Act
...How very unpatriotic of them!

Child's sleep disorder may affect entire family
...says reporter to sleep-deprived to cover any real news

Bush denies U.S. neglects Latin America
...since he's the first president to speak English as a second language

Injured reporter says media should cover war despite danger
...although his insurance company disagrees with him

'Grey's Anatomy' stars get hefty pay raises
...to cover the cost of its homophobic star's therapy

German man chainsaws house in two in divorce split
...and you don't want to know about the child custody outcome


3/10/07
U.N. body tells India to halt caste discrimination
...or they'll put them in a body cast

Obesity in either sex may decrease ability to conceive
...reads most obvious headline of all time

Mexico pushes crime bill giving police more power
...to push things other than bills down the stairs

U.S. Army destroys last stockpile of nerve-gas rockets
...by launching them at the Kurds

Mauritanians vote in handover to civilian rule
...in latest chapter of the Mauritanian Chronicles

Courtney Love sued by rehab center over fees
...but don't expect similar from plastic surgeons

Lead singer for rock band Boston found dead
...though he outlived his career by two decades


3/11/07
Falwell invites Gingrich to give address
...of someone sleazy enough to have an affair with him

U.S. lawmaker wants to restore Pluto's planet status
...follow precident of legislating evolution out of existence

Bloody epic '300' earns big numbers at box office
...that the title doesn't even begin to hint at

Bush renews U.S. support to Colombia
...In other words, he's off the wagon

Cell phones safe to use in hospitals: U.S. study
...Unsafe to use in hospitals: U.S. doctors

Sony dropping PlayStation 3 chip
...won't do nearly the damage of a broken Wii strap

Germans brush aside call for autobahn speed limit
...faster than you can say Voltswagon


3/12/07
Bush leaves door open for Iran talks
...not merely because he was raised in a barn

White House seeks to boost ocean farming
...by dumping raw sewerage into it as 'fertilizer'

Kidnapped Texas newborn safe at home
...or so they thought last time

Nepal teen dubbed reincarnation of Buddha vanishes
...and for his next trick he'll saw a lady in a box in half!

Russian firm delays Iran nuclear power plant launch
...into the stratosphere

Chavez shadows Bush with own Latin American tour
...but Rolling Stones continue to outsell both

Ohio St. graduated 10 percent of freshman basketball recruits
...Dean says your IQ must be this high to graduate college

Gen. Pace calls homosexuality immoral
...after finding his boyfriend cheated on him

Study: Second-hand smoke riskier for black children
...in Snoop Dog's crib


3/13/07
Evangelicals condemn torture in war on terrorism
...and think it should be reserved only for heretics

German political party seeks to strip Hitler of citizenship
...which would mean he would have to move to Argentina

The Drifters survive serious car crash in England
...but couldn't stay in their lane thanks to their apt name

Ecologically minded turn to restaurant grease for fuel
...though they'll need a bypass for their fuel lines in a few decades

Northern Ireland mortuary puts funerals on webcasts
...for those too stoned to leave the pub

U.S., Europe have reversed years of deforestation
...by providing a carbon dioxide-rich atmosphere to make the trees happy

Yacht voyage turns up abundant sample of genes
...all over the sheets on swingers' cruise

Rock and roll accepts hip hop into Hall of Fame
...after funding retirement of many rockers through royaties from samples

Quick walks may help smokers quit, study finds
...because it's hard to puff when you're gasping for breath


3/14/07
Asian, European stocks plunge
...so invest in them instead of Drano

Bush seeks better ties in Latin America
...but all they have there are stupid bolos

Fraud trial begins for media tycoon Conrad Black
...in which no one believes that's his read name

Oklahoma's English-only legislation upsets Indian tribes
...after it is tossed on the side of the highway in front of the chief

Bush troubled by attorney firings
...and subject-verb agreement

FDA wants stronger warnings on sleep disorder drugs
...even if they induce insomnia in those they're prescribed to

Texas lawmakers fighting governor's cancer vaccine order
...since they believe in a woman's right to chose to have cervical cancer

Human voice works like a jet engine, researchers find
...after decade of intense research on Axel Rose

Enthusiasts around the world celebrate Pi Day
...to show it isn't for squares


3/15/07
Republican says Gonzales should be fired
...along with the rest of the Hispanics other than their gardeners

Paula Abdul calls Simon Cowell a 'really good friend'
...proving conclusively that her drug use is out of control

Jolie leaves Vietnam orphanage with boy
...in latest round of her multicultural scavenger hunt

Brownback supports Pace's remark on gays
...in Ang Lee's 'Brownback Mountain of Bullshit'

Americans still not eating their veggies, CDC says
...after negative press in the Terry Schiavo case

Regis Philbin fine after heart surgery
...though he will never be described as 'stable'

Adopting foreign children not easy for all Hollywood stars
...considering Robert Downey Jr.'s criminal record, for instance


3/16/07
Chinese legislature moves to protect private property
...before the workers revolt and... Wait.  What?

CPR may be more effective without mouth-to-mouth
...but female recipients expect it if your hands are on their chest

'Sushi police' to certify Japanese restaurants overseas
...are keeping knives in the hands of the craziest chefs on earth

'Survivor' winner Hatch calls prison 'horrendous'
...almost like having to watch him strut around naked

Plame sheds little light in leak case
...but generates enough heat to melt the poles

This was world's warmest recorded winter
...thanks to CO2 from Angelina Jolie's globe-trotting adoption spree

Man smuggles grenade in pot of honey
...in covert operation to assassinate Yogi Bear

Good marriage may offset ill effects of job stress
...by keeping you from sleeping with your co-workers

Report: Health inspectors rarely visit U.S. school cafeterias
...since bullies always steal their lunch money at the bus stop

Colombia wants Chiquita executives extradited over terror ties
...such as supplying banana peels to place near open manholes


3/17/07
N.Korea insists U.S. unfreeze $25M
...noting Gore's evidence that the U.S. can unfreeze even glaciers

Wildlife officials find rare bald eagle nest in Philadelphia
...from the glare off the eagles' heads

Stephen King's son continues family horror tradition
...by cranking out books at an 8th grade level

'Pretty Baby' art exhibit probes complexity of childhood
...and makes for great pedophilia sting operation

'Spider-Man,' 'Shrek' lead summer of movie sequels
...down the same well-worn path away from originality

Germany cautions U.S. not to split Europe with shield
...'Do it with a wall,' say expert Berlin historians

Ski industry going green to fight global warming
...and bristle at being told by politicians to 'chill out'


3/18/07
U.S. federal courts to release trial audio online
...to combat growing epidemic of untreatable insomnia

Cate Blanchett may star in next 'Indiana Jones' movie
...and will likely be a mummy by the time it gets made

Social activists stirring change in China
...where stir fry change is very popular

Mud, rocks rush from New Zealand volcano
...saying it's too damned hot for them in there

Privatizing Walter Reed delayed three years
...due to red tape that got them in trouble in the first place

More older women being diagnosed with eating disorders
...No change really; it's just that no one noticed older women before

Will age, health concerns affect McCain's race?
...Or will he remain white?

Two arrested for posing as police at L.A. airport
...when they attempted to arrest plainclothes cops for posing as civilians


3/19/07
Masked Nigerian singer carries on legacy of activism
...against expectations that entertainers should have plastic surgery

Bush sees 'devastating' effects if U.S. leaves Iraq
...Historians see devisation begining when U.S. invaded Iraq

White House wants Gonzales to stay
...but his work visa is about to run out

Study finds one-third of D.C. residents are illiterate
...and more than half once Congress is included in sample

Musharraf says elections will be on time
...which would have been centuries ago for the civilized world

Houses cheaper than cars in Detroit
...since they still build houses in Detroit

Video racing games may spur risky driving: study
...just as Space Invaders spured neo-Nazis in the '80s


3/20/07
World's poor represent $5 trillion market, report says
...mostly in the form of dollar store and Ramen noodle sales

Almost anything goes in world of open water swimming
...provided it's buoyant enough

TV producer Bochco to create confessional Web videos
...to explain what he was thinking when he came up with 'Cop Rock'

North Korea nuclear talks stall over frozen funds
...as they are hard to get traction on

Eleven professional wrestlers reportedly linked to steroid ring
...when they became so bulky they got caught on its ropes

MTV cornerstone 'Total Request Live' now taped
...just as 'Music Television' quit playing any decades ago

Wolf population grows in Montana, Idaho, Wyoming
...every time there's a full moon

Bush warns Dems to take offer in firings
...because he's about to find himself out of a job


3/21/07
Somalia most dangerous country for minorities, report says
...but tourism board not likely to adopt this catchy slogan

U.S. Communist party donates archives to NYU
...since technically they don't own them either

Bernie Mac plans to retire from standup comedy
...just in time for me to have missed his entire career

Marshall Islands declares emergency as water runs out
...Reality check: They're ISLANDS!!!

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak gets new job with Navy
...that taps into killer instincts of female astronauts

Opera star wins "underwear throwing" case
...that made Tom Jones concerts famous

Heavy coffee drinkers show no blood pressure rise
...so long as you keep the cups coming

McDonald's wants negative definition of 'McJob' changed
...yet only pay minimum wage to wear ugly uniforms


3/22/07
Democrats seek votes on Iraq pullout
...in more ways than one

Drought along Yangtze triggers Three Gorges dam debate
...as many want the dammed water from the dammed river

Bush challenges pullout measure in Congress war bill
...yet ironically supports abtinence instead of pull out in other circumstances

Yellowstone grizzly bears dropped from endangered list
...after steady diet of naturalists supports a healthy population

Organic pet food market may benefit from recall
...as organic gardening may benefit from multitude of dead pets

Despite strains, U.S. could fight a third war: Gates
...because our reputation can't get much worse

Primordial rocks show early Earth as dynamic place
...Psychedelic rock starts show '60s to be same

Cosmetic surgery rates up, breasts most popular
...and also on the rise


3/23/07
Iran seizes 15 British sailors in Iraqi waters
...but where were they when the Titanic went down?

FAA, airports pushing for higher passenger fees
...to cover all the time they spend sitting around terminals

New Jersey thieves snatch $12,000 in underwear
...Guiness awards them record for world's largest panty raid

Bush calls Democrats' Iraq timetable 'political theater'
...Dems call Bush world's worst political actor

New Orleans gun permits rise amid post-Katrina violence
...just like how flooding caused a hurricane to form over New Orleans


3/24/07
Nation's first blind federal judge dies at age 74
...effectively setting back civil rights issues by decades

Survey: 31M U.S. homes do not have Internet access
...Collectively they're known as AT&T customers

Pope urges Europeans to keep Christian roots alive
...by holy watering them regularly

Cell phones unlikely to cause brain cancer, study finds
...but obnoxious ringtones are enough to give you a stroke

Pope criticises EU for excluding God
...but airports have him on watch lists for inciting religious fanaticism


3/25/07
Photographers sue Denise Richards, Pamela Anderson
...for no longer being photogenic

Poor nations confront WHO on bird flu vaccines
...Much squawking ensues

GOP senators question Gonzales' honesty
...but not under oath

related headline:

Senators question Gonzales' credibility
...after it is arrested trying to flee the country

Artest may retire after rocky season, report says
...Don King looking to help promote career change


3/26/07
GOP senators question Gonzales' honesty
...which is currently being detailed in Guantanamo

China starts drilling 'Asia's deepest' oil well
...which may go so deep it comes out in Texas

McCain: Campaign hurt by late fundraising start
...and a political position that expired three years ago

Pizza boxes feature photos of deadbeat parents
...in order to make customers lose their appetites

Time Inc. to stop publishing iconic LIFE magazine again
...Fundamentalists rally to Pro-LIFE cause

South Korea scientists claim first cloned wolf
...First cloned wolf claims lives of several scientists

New Orleans Saints to stay in Louisiana through 2010
...but New Orleans to move to the Gulf of Mexico by then


3/27/07
Los Angeles Times cancels guest opinion-editor program
...after they kept stealing the towels when they checked out

MTV says 'Punk'd' to end after upcoming season
...but how can you trust anything pranksters say?

Comedian Eddie Griffin wrecks $1.5M car
...At least the insurance companies know his name now

N.M., Richard Branson agree on spaceport lease
...to help ease congested interstellar travel in Roswell

Basques want peace, maybe independence
...Choose, says Spain


3/28/07
Unusually high pollen count slams allergy sufferers in South
...worse than any Jeff Foxworthy joke

Bush demands Iraq war bill with no strings
...Public demands wartime president without any either

San Francisco passes plastic-bag ban
...leading many fetishists to find new avenues for breathplay

More U.S. students eyeing careers in alternative energy
...after giving up on hopeless future in alternative bands

U.S. Post Office unveils 'Star Wars' stamp set
...Star Wars geeks + stamp collectors = Nerd supernova

Putin spells out U.S. missile shield concerns to Bush
..."Hey, I write my 'R's backwards too," says Bush


3/29/07
Gov't watchdog looking into faulty New Orleans pumps
...that aren't delivering alcohol into the French Quarter fast enough

U.N. agencies recommend circumcision to reduce HIV risk
...so you won't want to put it anywhere but in a bandaid for a bit

Michael Phelps sets third world record in three days
...and maybe another record for setting records

Statue honoring Mark McGwire may never see light of day
...unless someone scrapes off all the pigeon poop

Smashing Pumpkins to play Paris for first reunion show
...Heroin prices double throughout France on news of concert

Study: Smokers take more sick days, less productive at work
...and waste their retirement lying around the carcer ward all day

U.N. urges resolution of Iran seizure
...with large doses of anti-seizure medication

Prosecutors seek to revoke Paris Hilton's probation
...but no jail has bars narrow enough to contain her


3/30/07
Worlds with double sunsets common, astronomers say
...not just in George Luscas' head

'The Teletubbies' celebrate 10 years on TV
...in which time no one has been able to understand them

FDA tests reveal plastics chemical in tainted pet food
...though every labradore owner knows they can survive eating that

Nun says was cured by Pope John Paul
...'Pope, heal thyself,' say skeptics

Britney Spears agrees to divorce settlement Politics
...after media overdosed public cry "Mercy!"

Egyptians head to France to fetch stolen mummy hairs
...in latest improbably Dan Brown hack job

Halle Berry admits to suicide attempt
...better known to most of us as "Catwoman"


3/31/07
Iranian official: Sailors may be tried
...just like the patience of the civilized world

Mexico using 'windows' to let visitors view buried ruins
...until they beta test Linuxico version

'Girls Gone Wild' founder planning restaurant chain
...to specialize in flash fried breasts and thighs

Ex-'Family Ties' star Bonsall arrested for assault
...of Facts of Life star buying drugs from Diff'rent Strokes star

Bush calls Iran's capture of British sailors 'inexcusable'
...says as his failure to capture Bin Laden

Usher engaged to marry
...but will be busy finding seats at the ceremony

Study: Some people enjoy, seek out angry reactions
...just check out my posts in online forums for proof

Marines rush to get tattoos ahead of ban deadline
...Actually, marines rush in to get hurt any way they can


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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