The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

2/1/07
Senate foes of troop buildup join forces
...to build up to fight foes who want to build up forces to fight foes

Doctors warn of poisoning from hand-sanitizing gels
...but warn of food poisoning from lack of hand sanitizing

General favors smaller troop boost in Iraq
...because otherwise he won't be able to learn all the new names

Hundreds of Somalis protest plan for foreign peacekeepers
...thereby justifying the need for foreign peacekeepers

British police question Blair again over funding probe
...so basically they're probing a guy about a probe?


2/2/07
Tony Blair refuses to quit over cash-for-honors probe
...as that would be dishonorable, but he'd quit if the price was right

Supertankers may ship water to parched cities in future
...but guess what supertankers travel over?

Boston mayor says Turner to pay costs of scare
...with small portion of proceeds obtained through the publicity

Doctor gives stripper a hand -- literally
...but she still carrier her cash in her G-string

Braces improve smiles, not self-esteem: study
...after interviews with 1,000 kids nicknamed 'brace-face'

California to transfer prisoners out of state to ease overcrowding
...and back to Mexico


2/3/07
Teacher punished for showing R-rated 'Amistad' clips
...by being tied to the mast and whipped like 3/5ths of a human

Shift sought for New Orleans levee funds
...to keep them from getting all wet again

British Muslims criticize media for anti-terror reporting
...that always precedes the words 'Muslim terrorist' with 'another'

Federline 'sorry' Super Bowl ad offended fast-food workers
...or as he calls some of them: "Boss"

Jennifer Lopez to receive human-rights award
...for deluding huge-assed girls into feeling sexy


2/4/07
Swiss boat becomes first to cross Atlantic by solar power
...other than sailsboats that use wind from air warmed by the sun

Florida tornado victims attend wrecked church
...to complain about intelligently design tornados

Stomach surgeries for obese children more popular
...because they make easy targets for scalpels

Most women view "morning after pills" favorably
...in inverse proportion to who they woke up next to

Owners, fans taking steps to preserve Barbaro's legacy
...They shoot horses with broken legacies, don't they?


2/5/07
U.S. undergrads increasingly participating in research
...into efficacy of alcohol making their girlfriends' kiss other girls

Web site barred from releasing Paris Hilton data
...since it spreads a virus that can only be treated with Valtrex

Pope says traditional family facing 'crisis'
...started by a priest messing with their son

"Chewbacca" arrested for head-butting in Hollywood
...after being called a 'walking carpet' one too many times

Poland defense minister Radek Sikorski resigns
...in protest to decades of jokes about the Polish navy

Cubans oblivious to what goes on inside Guantanamo
...else they wouldn't raft to the US for asylum

Astronaut charged with kidnap attempt
...after victim is found in trunk of the shuttle

MIT professor begins hunger strike over denial of tenure
...Actually, this is largely a consequence of his low wages

Oscar best-picture race still wide open
...and so are the contenders if you promise them a vote


2/6/07
Below-zero temps close schools
...Below-zero IQs necessitate them

Child soldiers still recruited 10 years after pact
...since the original crew is set to retire by now

Cold weather blamed for seven deaths
...On the bright side, they won't start to smell anytime soon

Anna Nicole Smith, TrimSpa sued over weight-loss claims
...citing the fact that her breasts just keep getting bigger

World's churches go green and rally to cause
...Green of choice typically features pictures of past presidents

Primates may be 10M years older than previously thought
...meaning fundamentalists are that much further behind the times


2/7/07
Brazil vows to install condom machines in schools
...US considering similar move in teachers lounges

Ethanol trumps land conservation in Bush budget
...continuing trend of alcohol being highest priority for Bush

Wal-Mart, unions agree to push for wider health care
...as obesity epidemic threatens health of wider employees

U.S. consumer borrowing slows in December
...except for their neighbors' snow shovel

NASA to review astronaut screening process
...as this one burned out on reentry


2/8/07
Olympic athletes may be allowed to blog at Beijing Games
...if they can find a unblocked internet connection in China

North Korea may begin to dismantle nukes
...somewhere in the sky above Washington DC

Fall fashions rich with sparkles, metallics
...to keep models from blowing away in the breeze

McCartney to offer settlement to estranged wife
...as divorce could otherwise cost an arm and a wooden leg

Records: NYPD held GOP convention protesters longer
...as they probably weren't held enough by their parents

Male sweat may spur sexual arousal in women
...The former is usually made in pursuit of the latter

Kodak plans to cut 3,000 more jobs in 2007
...which is the most negatives they've developed in years

Astronaut sets U.S. spacewalking record
...while another sets psychotic stalker record

Analysts say Harley-Davidson strike will be short
...once the Hell's Angels from Altamont are brought in


2/9/07
Immigrants sue U.S. over citizenship delays
...to prove they already think like Americans

Several U.S. states try to ban driver distractions
...but truckers fight to keep their naked lady mud flaps

Report says Pentagon manipulated intel
...though most agree the President has faulty intelligence

Poll says public view of U.S. Congress has improved
...Coincidentally, this was the same public that just elected them

NASA culture intense, stressful
...and she canna tak enny more, Cap'in!

High school remembers Anna Nicole -- barely
...Though the reverse was just as evident in her lifetime


2/10/07
Palestinian unity government won't recognize Israel
...or anything else created since 1947 except semtex

Genes may play big role in premature births in blacks
...especially if they wear ones that are too tight around their midsection

Producer options astronaut kidnap story
...Hollywood, we have a problem

Stars set to party at Grammys while sales slide
...and the band played on, as they say

Scientists eavesdrop on whales to help save species
...with proceeds from whale gossip columns

N.Y. sees 110 inches of snow in 7 days
...the most since Mick Jagger visited '54' in '79


2/11/07
More snow in the forecast for New York
...if both Giuliani and Clinton decide to run in '08

More farmers turning to Internet to share advice
...in bestiality chat rooms

Gates dismisses Putin remarks as blunt spy talk
...which is an oxymoron like 'military intelligence'

Polar bear undergoes surgery after being pushed by mate
...to repair his broken heart

Models rejected from Spanish fashion show for being too thin
...since designers say belts are out this season


2/12/07
Jerusalem mayor orders review of holy site construction
...to determine why it's taking longer than six days to complete

London restaurant offers free food to skinny models
...so the drinks guys are buying them won't be on an empty stomach

Doctors explore use of mismatched hearts in transplants
...after success of divorce lawyers in similar cases

Study finds clues to Parkinson's drug gambling
...in their success shaking dice at the craps tables

MTV videos to be available to all Internet users
...since you'd never see them on the actual tv channel


2/13/07
Bear climbs tree to elude police in New Jersey
...as a reminder that only you can prevent gunfire

Libby to call his former deputy to stand
...then to sit, then to heel, then beg and plead not guilty

Obama draws contrast with Clinton over Iraq
...showing the election isn't all black and white

167 nominations received for 2007 Nobel Peace Prize
...leading to a big fight among the contenders

Goldman family subpoenas O.J. Simpson's financial records
...to see if the black is in the red (What? Black humor has you seeing red? Ha!)


2/14/07
Madame Tussauds unveils Kate Moss wax figure
...or as most recognize it as: A candle stick

Sex bloggers bare all on the Internet
...to counter criticism they're all talk, no action

Judge orders Smith's body held for DNA test
...just like every time her body was held, money is involved

Comedian Al Franken to run for U.S. Senate
...to make politics an even bigger joke than he's told

Negative worker can hurt whole team, study says
...especially if he brings a gun to the (post) office


2/15/07
Moscow official says city won't allow gay rights parade
...because obviously they'd catch a cold (un)dressed like that!

Air Force sergeant who posed for Playboy discharged
...and responsible for more discharges among teen boys than any Catholic priest

'American Idol' trims contestants down to final 24
...and lowers average American IQ below that even

Peanut butter in U.S. recalled over salmonella outbreak
...which may be difficult since it sticks to the roof of your mouth

EU nations move towards common energy policy
...except monarchys who have no energy to deal with commoners

Burning questions going into spring training
...include 'Why did I sleep with that skanky Hooters waitress?'

Chili peppers cultivated for cooking 6,100 years ago
...but didn't get a record deal until the mid-'80s

More than 100 artists to take part in climate change concerts
...to combat global warming by trying to be cooler than one another

Satellite lasers detect large lakes under Antarctic ice
...which were created from the heat of satellite lasers burrowing beneath

Hundreds of Pennsylvania drivers stranded
...in the 19th century with horses and buggies

Pelosi: Bush lacks power to invade Iran
...let alone to conjugate irregular verbs in English


2/16/07
Spinning star may be fastest known rotating star
...since Robert Downey Jr. finished cycling through rehab

Catholic leaders call NYC condom giveaway 'misguided'
...[Punchline doubles as lightning rod.  Use with caution.]

S.F. investigating $10K in back pay to mayor's mistress
...Reporter under investigation for use of the term 'back pay' in this context

House Republicans defend Bush in oil royalty error
...noting that he's royalty and in oil; no error there

Impaired breathing in obese tied to big waist
...and it isn't like they really need a belt


2/17/07
Bush has two moles removed from temple
...and dozens more from mosque

Researchers recreate George Washington's face
...as do counterfeiters

Japan turns down Greenpeace help on whaling ship
...after they offer to sink it to foster coral reef development

Britney Spears shears hair off
...in last ditch effort to eliminate crabs

FDA widens peanut butter warning
...that too much peanut butter will widen you


2/18/07
Americans' knowledge of basic science has improved
...but they still don't understand why the Australians don't fall off

Texas city celebrates President's Day with Mexican flair
...to the thunderous sound of Davy Crockett spinning in his grave

Asians usher in the Year of the Pig
...Moo shu, anyone?

Toyota looks for acceptance among NASCAR fans
...in spite of putting them out of their jobs

Toilet availability a problem at Mardi Gras
...which is why people just get naked in the streets

Snowboarder triggers avalanche, escapes
...but avalance victims swear to catch him yet

Robot cars to hit the roads by 2030, scientists predict
...and to hit many pedestrians and motorists along the way


2/19/07
Hawaii bars fighting strict smoking ban
...that contradictorally allows tikki torch fire show

Toilet that warns against drunk driving unveiled in New York
...that alerts police if the wrong end is placed into it

Mutant cancer threatens Australia's Tasmanian devils
...and that's not a good idea.  Watch your ass, mutant cancer!

Robots to scour skies for ivory-billed woodpecker
...before moving on to eradicate their human prey

Satellite radio's XM, Sirius agree to merge
...which will likely result in much space debris

Urban road race to test limits of robotic cars
...as well as patience of police who can't ticket drivers who aren't there

Surgeons who play video games more skilled: study
...Many even remove the appendix just as a 'bonus round'


2/20/07
Mount Hood rescue aided by beacon, dog
...Dog aided by bacon

Baby as small as pen when born to go home
...in a pocket protector

Iran says West should end nuclear programs
...We say we'll end theirs with one from ours

Trump may shave head if wrestling pick loses
...He'll get rid of fake hair over a fake match?

Nikon eyes double-digit growth in compact digicams
...through a wide-angle lens

U.S. gasoline prices jump to six-week high
...Gasoline-sniffing rednecks experience same

US Airways CEO gets day in jail for drunk driving
...across four runways thereby delaying several flights

Three athletes finish 4,000-mile run across Sahara Desert
...only to be mistaken for beef jerky and eaten at the finish line


2/21/07
Climbers relied on exercise, pep talks
...so it was a good thing they invited Richard Simmons

Group works to reunite Catholic, Anglican churches
...and they'll burn at the stake any who stand in their way

Woman in iron lung celebrates 60th birthday
...but will require assistance blowing out the candles

Scientists puzzled by death of New Hampshire loons
...but loony behavior is difficult to predict by its very definition

'Transformation' is early buzzword in 2008 campaign
...on the circuit of the Optimus Primaries

Top computing prize awarded to a woman for first time
...for stumping husband with fuzzy logic

Maytag holds open casting call for iconic repairman
...but finding an actor who sits around waiting for calls shouldn't be a stretch


2/22/07
Scientists add several shark species to endangered list
...as declining popularity of surfing means dwindling food supply

Cheney slams Iraq plan advocated by Dems
...for its lack of reliance on shotguns

John Glenn doesn't think space station is utilized properly
...considering it's coed and there's no gravity

Bombed mosque a symbol of Iraqi violence
...Note: Mosques are also source of Muslim violence

Russian, U.S. astronauts fix faulty antenna on ISS
...because they don't want to miss the Oscars on Sunday

Report: Al-Qaida leader in Iraq vows revenge for woman's rape
...In other words, in keeping with Muslim tradition, he's going to kill her

Britney in rehab for 3rd time in a week
...Oops, she did it again and again and again

'American Idol' opening children's summer camp
...where the counselors pick on you more than the kids


2/23/07
Senate Dems move to limit Iraq mission
...initiated by a president with (pun!) limited intelligence

Cheney criticizes China's arms buildup
...and thinks she needs a diet before they get any flabbier

Pentagon cancels massive weapons test in Nevada
...because fallout over Vegas won't stay in Vegas

48 nations seek to ban cluster bombs by 2008
...by clustering together to enforce ban

New video game aims to reduce childhood obesity
...by having kids sit in front of the tv playing it all day

Beaver spotted in New York City for first time in 200 years
...or slightly less if you count what Times Square before Guiliani

Libby trial exposes fallibility of note-taking
...as do my grades in most lecture courses

Girl Scouts cut trans fats from cookies
...but they are still made from real Girl Scouts


2/24/07
PlayStation 3 in Europe will play fewer old games
...because they aren't as big slackers as Americans

Gore may cap hot year with "Inconvenient" Oscar
...after inconvenient result of last time people voted for him

Animal group probe uncovers coats trimmed with dog fur
...but, hell, all my clothes and furniture are covered with the stuff

Cardinal imposes five-minute deadline on eulogies
...before any more die of boredom

State lawmakers debate extending school-day hours
...to cut down on shoplifting

FDA confirms salmonella came from peanut butter
...so take that evolution denyers


2/25/07
VP's plane has minor electrical problem
...that needs to be defibrilated

U.S. court rules Boston schools can teach about gay issues
...that Boston priests have demonstrated to altar boys for years

Iran to crack down on 'inappropriately' dressed women
...Meanwhile US women dress with pants down to crack

A third of U.S. Internet users tried wireless networks
...by driving around with their laptops looking for unsecured connections

Man aged 107 forsakes sex for longevity: paper
...and lives a life hardly worth living


2/26/06
Mexico vows to protect monarch butterfly
...from revolutionaries who want to end monarchy

Olympic great Carl Lewis concerned about the future of track
...as the sport currently goes around in circles

Judge dismisses juror in Libby trial
...after her identity is revealed to the press

Postal regulators recommend two-cent stamp hike
...to help cover costs of bullet-proof vests from coworkers

Court backs $3 billion California stem cell plan
...that could grown and diversify into trillions of Euros

Biologists record call of rare bird
...and wonder why it went straight to their voicemail


2/27/07
Stocks fall sharply over U.S., China economy worries
...Who left them in the way to trip over?

British mother may lose custody of obese child
...because she doesn't have enough room to store him

Hezbollah warns U.S. against attacking Iran
...since blasting them into the stone age would be progress to them

U.S. spy chief: Iran training Iraqis to use munitions
...Such as: They don't have to wear explosives to detonate them

Pollution may change male frogs into female frogs
...Alcohol may change typical males into horny toads

Daniel Radcliffe makes racy stage debut in 'Equus'
...by showing off his hairy potter

Naomi Campbell regrets hitting maid with cell phone
...since it left her able to sue her employer

Castro says he feels energetic, stronger
...compared to, say, Lenin or Mao


2/28/07
Stocks rebound after plunge
...by sleeping with the first thing they could get

War-weary Afghans fear spring offensive by Taliban
...Ironically, only thing not found offensive by Taliban are themselves

Volcano on Italian island erupts, people told to leave coast
...and when they return, the coast will have expanded

San Diego diocese files for bankruptcy protection
...but the government does not cover moral bankruptcy

U.S. Olympian reunites with Korean father
...by pole vaulting over DMZ

California city removes 'Top Model' ads from buses
...to replace them with more attractive 'topless model' pictures


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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