The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

1/1/07
Bombings stun Bangkok on New Year's Eve
...as no one budgeted for fireworks that large

After big Times Square bash, big cleanup
...of your living room after watching Dick fron the couch

Iraq bans TV station for inciting violence
...after catching re-runs of 'The A-Team'

Houston mayor says Katrina evacuees increasing murder rate
...and he would like to kill the bastards

Pope Benedict urges worldwide peace in new year
...but insisted all nonbelievers are going to burn in Hell

Sunnis in Iraq protest Saddam execution
...and cry over spilled milk

Sweeping smoking ban takes effect in Hong Kong
...after city gets tired of sweeping cigarette ashes

Thirsty man sells beagle to buy beer
...but he's keeping the St. Bernard that found him in the snow


1/2/07
Study finds compound may hold the key to diabetes' pill
...so the Dirty Dozen is sent into compound to steal the secret

Four 'couch potatoes' try to break TV-watching record
...in a giant leap backward for mankind

Ford's character remembered at funeral
...as jumpstarting Chevy Chase's career

Spain says peace process broken by ETA bomb
...along with scores of windows nearby

Mob burns house of village thug
...so who's the bully now?

A drink may help high blood pressure risk
...especially if it's water from the Dead Sea

6 of 75 cities get top disaster rating
...while those at bottom get disasterous ratings


1/3/07
Bob Nardelli resigns as CEO of Home Depot
...after being hammered by shareholders he screwed

Toyota creating cars that detect drunken drivers
...as a counterpart to brick walls that do the same

Scientists find unlikely black hole in star cluster
...as white dwarfs typical discriminate against dark matter

Olympic torch to get trial run to summit of Mount Everest
...as a deterant against frostbite among climbers

ExxonMobil reportedly paid groups to discredit global warming
...effectively spewing hot air that contributes to what they're denying


1/4/07
Negroponte stepping aside as top spy
...as most agree Daniel Craig makes a better Bond

Japan drops plan to allow women to inherit throne
...after they complain about the seat being left up

More young people in U.K. using condoms, surveys show
...so fewer young people are being made as a result

Bush likely to increase troops in Iraq
...rather than ruin his reputation as an idiot

Bank issues credit card to cat
...thereby confirming arguments against civil unions

Most back government policies to fight fat Entertainment
...except the part about making furniture weaker

Reports: Bush to replace top generals
...in back-asswards version of a coup

Robots help train S. Korea medical students
...to be as uncaring and robotic as American doctors


1/5/07
Somalis, Ethiopia battle Islamic militia
...More sinsible approach: Battle Islamic dogma

Careful propaganda helps Kim Jong Il control nation
...While in US, propagando merely embarrasses nation

Former DNC chairman McAuliffe blasts Kerry in book
...but wouldn't want to confront him in a Vietnamese jungle

Escapes from Norway's fish farms threaten wild salmon
...that if they're ratted out to the cops, they're a gonner

Adults living with children eat more fat, study says
...except among Hansel and Grettle's home

Neighbors sue Charlton Heston over mudslide damage
...Defense argues 'damned dirty apes' are to blame

Britney thanks fans, promises 'bigger and better' comeback
...though most have seen more of her (anatomy) than we needed

Police hunt pub urinal thief
...but bloodhounds refuse to follow the scent


1/6/07
Binge eating disorder can be persistent problem
...at 'all you can eat' buffets

Toys 'R' Us baby contest sparks immigration debate
...about Cabbage Patch Kids being picked by migrant workers

New Orleans curfew possible to stop murders
...or they could just flood the place again

Authorities find U.S. home hit by meteorite
...Metal detectors to be placed in orbit in near future

Many expect iPod phone at next week's Macworld
...to completely revolutionize how annoying cell phones can be

Adding tax on for taking it off...
...may cause strippers to lose their shirts

British charity issues anorexia Internet warning
...to remind gamers to take a break for lunch

Advertisers exploit video game 'cheats' for profit
...in peculiar form of embezzling

Model seeks divorce from rocker Marilyn Manson
...citing irreconcilable similarities in their underwear drawer

German population falls for fourth straight year
...due to predictable effects of latex on their sperm count

Japanese inventor of instant noodles dies at 96
...(R)amen, says congregation at funeral service


1/7/07
U.S., Iraqi troops detain 84 in raids
...Meanwhile Bush detains thousands of troops in Iraq

Pelosi: Dems will not give Bush a blank check for Iraq war
...but Bush will continue to give blank looks to intelligent questions

Authorities find U.S. home hit by meteorite
...that was unlicensed and uninsured, of course

Sharp says 108-inch LCD TV is biggest yet
...to attempt to accomodate Rosie O'Donnel

"Museum" still top attraction at box office
...highlighting paucity of movies not starring Ben Stiller

Cell-phone videos transforming TV news
...into tinier, grainier, more amatuerish show


1/8/07
Mysterious gas-like odor permeates NYC
...as Howard Stern expands into yet another medium

Planners say New Orleans' 9th Ward can be rebuilt
...but doubt the federal government can be bilked twice

Bush to announce Iraq plan Wednesday
...about three years too late

Preteen girls most at risk of becoming overweight - study
...since it isn't so easy to take candy from a baby

U.S. automakers battling public bias
...need to put it in 2nd because this is an uphill climb

FDA approves new version of inhalable flu vaccine
...while evolution releases dozens of new verions of inhalable flu

Kylie Minogue tops best-dressed list, toppling Kate Moss
...who has, well, no center of gravity

Package at Port of Miami posed no threat
...in contrast to the one belonging to Tommy Lee

Montserrat volcano shoots ash five miles into sky
...in belated New Year's Eve display

Liquids make up 22 percent of American diet: study
...and ice cream makes up the other 78 percent

Van Halen, R.E.M. among Rock hall of fame entrants
...who require handicap ramps to accept their honors


1/9/07
Study reveals how woodpeckers don't injure brains
...providing hope bass players don't end up talking like Flea

CES looks for next world-changing gadget
...as opposed to channel-changing gadget for tv

N.J. eyed as source of NYC stench
...[Punchline declared redundant by city officials]

Australians among longest-living people in world
...since their clocks run same way as their toilets flush

Milk destroys health benefits of tea, study finds
...since cows graze away the tea leaves

Top general says North Korea may conduct nuclear test
...on our patience

Rescued sailor returns home to California
...so it wasn't really much of a rescue then, was it?

Health-care spending hits nearly $2 trillion
...when Michael Jackson's bill is factored in

Van Halen, R.E.M. among Rock hall of fame entrants
...after having entered many, many groupies

Global warming could spur 'evolution explosion' - study
...so either way Christian conservatives will end up in the wrong


1/10/07
Democrats vow to resist troop escalation
...Insurgents do the same, and send in donations for 2008 campaigns

Actor Alan Cumming, boyfriend marry in civil ceremony
...Actually, he married his fiance, but the boyfriend may join them on honeymoon

Nagin orders crackdown on violent crime in New Orleans
...National Guard called in to tear down the levees

Iraqis skeptical troop increase will curb violence
...since it simply means more targets for insurgents

Appeals court considers restoring Padilla charge
...while Foot Locker considers dropping him as a spokesperson

Study suggests causes, conditions of sibling spats
...Notably, being ahead of me in the checkout line

Iraqis skeptical troop increase will curb violence
...along with anyone who reads that sentence

Calif. health care plan deemed bold, costly
...but James Cameron presses ahead with it

Yale a capella group beaten up while on tour
...by disgruntled group of employed instrumentalists

Los Angeles to study feasibility of trans fat ban
...and its impact on thriving liposuction industry


1/11/07
Scientist isolates toxin in algae linked to mass fish deaths
...though tartar sauce is responsible for far more fish killings

Guantanamo protesters arrested in Washington, D.C.
...and given closer look at what they're protesting

Fossil skull, artifact, help date human migration
...while on-line personals help anthropologists find dates

Tower of London hires first female beefeater
...Correction: Many, many women have eaten beef on job interviews

Polish priest seeks to expose clergy linked to secret police
...whereas American clergy expose themselves to altar boys

Grocery stores to promote food pyramid
...by stacking cans in comically accident-prone arrangements


1/12/07
Family feuds often follow deaths of the famous
...but come before 'Wheel of Fortune.'  Check local listings

Alaska fish processor charged over tons of rotting salmon
...but not full price since they're past the expiration date

Bomb threat called in from commuter plane in Ohio
...but it was in reference to the in-flight movie: Ishtar

New Jersey clergy not required to perform same-sex unions
...Meanwhile same-sex unions with altar boys prompt pre-trial settlements

Toyota may build five car plants in North America
...if we let enough Mexicans in to staff them

Publisher hopes writing contest will be 'American Idol' of books
...but Paula can't even make it through the Cliffs Notes

Scientists plan to move 'Doomsday Clock' forward
...in anticipation of the end of thermonuclear winter

McCain ties 2008 fate to troops plan in Iraq
...instead of something more buoyant like lead

Counseling may cut risk of drinking in pregnancy
...but effective birth control eliminates the risk entirely

Officials track E. coli strain to California
...where it signed a recording contract with other crap artists


1/13/07
Rice says U.S. won't pull plug on Iraq
...even though there's less sense there than in Terry Schiavo

Japan exhales as tsunami threat passes
...See the bubbles?

Leonard Cohen's first three albums to be reissued
...after having been available online since the Napster days

Bush concedes U.S. decisions made Iraq unstable
...and our country look stoopider

Pentagon gets some Americans' bank data
...and most of the contents of their accounts


1/14/07
New gene linked to Alzheimer's disease identified
...and quickly forgotten

Sundance festival cracks down on reselling of tickets
...but will allow two-day rentals of them

Cheney: U.S. must show "stomach" to win in Iraq
...because it's clear we don't have any brains to be there

U.S., Canada weigh cleanup of Great Lakes
...against just filling them in and digging new ones

Bush talks tough in case for troop boost
...and would have a tough time reading this headline aloud


1/15/07
Nigeria calls for international action on climate change
...because at the equator it's more like 'global scalding'

Pope urges migrants to heed host country's values
...but they can't help driving down the property values

American men increasingly seek cosmetic surgery
...to conform to unrealistic standard set by Donald Trump

Bluetooth specialist CSR heads in GPS direction
...which will help it figure out where it's going, obviously

New Orleans struggles to keep its black character
...but he wasn't as funny as that whacky neighbor Kramer

Palestinian PM says Hamas will never recognize Israel
...unless it takes off the sunglasses and steps closer to the glass

Castro reportedly in grave condition
...Update: Drop that last word

Lost dogs more likely to be found than lost cats
...Forget it, Jake... It's Chinatown.


1/16/07
Skull found in Romania suggests human-Neanderthal link
...while presidency in U.S. disproves intelligent design

Majority of U.S. women live without a spouse
...Related story: Duracell stock up 15% at market close

New 'hobbit' galaxies discovered around Milky Way
...but Trekkies refuse to give fans a ride to visit them

Obama wades into 2008 White House race
...and he's probably going to need a good shower afterwards

Obedient motorist crashes on satnav command
...into an obvious political metaphor

Bush to address global warming in annual speech
...that will contribute to the hot air and offer little else


1/17/07
Train blaze continues to burn in Ky.
...and yet you put it on before you go in a tunnel?

Pilot in Kentucky crash noted lack of runway lights
...Investigators note that he landed in a field in West Virginia

Kevin Federline to star in Super Bowl commercial
...that will make Janet Jackon's blunder look minor in comparison

Danish editor says Muhammad cartoon debate to endure
...just as the insane dogma that spawned it has for centuries

U.S. scientists, evangelicals join global warming fight
...after studies indicate fire and brimstone conttibute to trend

Paris Hilton to waltz at Vienna Opera Ball
...as soon as she can pass a sobriety test

White House tries to prevent loss of GOP support on Iraq
...by ordering a custom-made muzzel for the president

Interpol launches task force to tackle pedophile web sites
...thus effectively putting Mary Kate and Ashley out of business


1/18/07
White House shifts on spy program
...continuing Bush's history of being shifty

Global warming dissenters few at U.S. weather meeting
...thanks to being snowed in at the airport

DiCaprio says Scorsese deserves an Oscar
...agreeing with everyone except majority of Academy voters

Maliki: U.S. could begin withdrawal if Iraq had more weapons
...So ship home the troops but not their rifles

Man holed up in home after tax evasion verdict
...Having not read the story, I'm guessing his home is in the Bahamas

Radical cleric's religious comments spark outrage in Australia
...and in any part of the civilized world

Bush on Iraq plan: "I believe it will work"
...tops list of "1,001 Stupid Things Bush Believes"


1/19/07
Alaska governor pledges new strategy for gas line
...instead of making it the shortest distance between two points

U.S. criticizes China over anti-satellite weapons test
...even though it could conceivably take Howard Stern off the air

Scientists unearth fossil of two-headed marine reptile
...thus ending any and all talk of 'intelligent design'

UK poll reveals striking ignorance of Holocaust
...which arguably was what caused it in the first place

Alaska to get British-style temperatures - study
...In other words it will have degrees of Celsius

Amsterdam to get statue to honor prostitutes
...made of wood covered by thin layer of latex

Violent Rio picks Naomi Campbell as its ambassador
...on the strengths of her multiple assault charges

China one-child policy creates generation of 'only' children
...who will create generation of aunt/uncle-less children

Drop in U.S. gas prices may not show at pumps
...as OPEC gets as much mileage as they can get

Kansas town warns BTK souvenir hunters to stay away
...just in case they didn't get the right guy


1/20/07
California lawmaker to propose no-spanking law
...that will put a crimp in the state's profitable porn industry

U.S. colleges push for more female engineers
...to design bathrooms with shorter lines

David Beckham's wages 'resented' by new team-mates
...but you can't name one of the off the top of your head

Illegal immigration laws across U.S. face setbacks
...on account of the fact said laws are apparently illegal

Scientists says sharks are threatened, misunderstood
...and asks ACLU to take up their civil rights case


1/21/07
Retailers add improvements, space to fitting rooms
...so they can get better angles with their hidden cameras

Widow approves sale of Steve Irwin action figure
...as long as warning label on stingray accessory is included

Bush speech to argue for Iraq, domestic plans
...according to those who have translated it into English

Senators seek support for Iraq resolution
...as this is a rare pairing of the words 'Iraq' and 'resolution'

Likely best film Oscar nominees seem easy to pick
...among those most likely to set off your gaydar


1/22/07
Senators seek support for Iraq resolution
...as this is a rare pairing of the words 'Iraq' and 'resolution'

Afghanistan to transition towards market economy
...to try to get better prices for the opium

Sun to use Intel chips in some servers - report
...as most LAN parties don't serve Sun Chips

Manhattan shop owner sues homeless, prompting debate
...about what wages the lawyers can garnish if he wins

Futuristic Tokyo museum only hosts temporary exhibits
...meaning the current exhibit doesn't have much of a future

CEOs ask Bush to support mandatory pollution reduction
...just to give you an idea how backward Bush really is

Bush health insurance proposal gets cold reception
...that may turn into pneumonia if not treated promptly

Paris Hilton pleads no contest in DUI case
...after failing both a breathalizer and IQ test

Microwave zaps germs on sponges, study finds
...so they're being installed along unhealthy undersea reefs

Drought drives snakes to the cities
...since don't have feet to operate the gas pedal

Dutch pet shop owner creates beer for dogs
...so sobriety tests will be required for canines foaming at the mouth

Group says Al-Qaida No. 2 mocks Bush
...just like the quote-of-the-day calendar on my desk


1/23/07
New Orleans Mardi Gras 'close to normal'
...says reporter obviously jaded by exposed breasts

Bush speech to showcase domestic agenda
...dangling participles, misplaced modifiers, and other common mistakes

Rage, Chili Peppers, Bjork to play Coachella festival
...aka the ten year reunion of the Class of '96

Bush to defend Iraq troop buildup plan
...With what?  His reserves are in Iraq

MySpace to distribute Amber alerts
...where they're most likely to reach pedophiles

Family kicked off plane after toddler's temper tantrum
...and should touch down at about 120 feet per second

Prehistoric 'terror birds' may have island-hopped to N. America
...as passport checks were not yet in place

Bush to set goal of reducing U.S. gasoline use
...by causing fewer issues for protesters to commute to

Crowded House to reunite for world tour
...to play to mostly empty rooms, ironically enough


1/24/07
Foreign films compete in multiple Oscar races
...Entertainment reports contend races are kept separate but are not equal

Libby lawyers attack witness' credibility
...by pointing out many of them worked with Libby

Restaurant group blasts Kevin Federline Super Bowl ad
...noting that they are experts on bad taste

Fish use logic to size up rivals -study
...yet this ability is somehow beyond the average high schooler

Airport shoe scanners may reduce security line wait
...and smell

Bush's words on immigration split Hispanics
...much like the Mexican border


1/25/07
Justices defend Florida recount decision in 2000 election
...and plan to take their defense all the way to the Supreme Court

Warm winter causing Russia zoo animals to mate early
...to keep warm.  No.  Wait.  What?

U.K. schools urged to tell parents if children are obese
...so they can make them sleep on the bottom bunk

Peyton Manning silent on thumb injury
...because he can't talk with it in his mouth

Study finds sun not responsible for Mars' loss of water
...thereby drying up possibility of a liability case by the Martians


1/26/07
Patients rarely discuss alternative medicine with doctors
...because laughter is not the best medicine when it comes from your doctor

Suit says DJs knew of water contest danger
...Defense and listeners point out that DJs know absolutely nothing

Scientists use radio waves to detect explosives
...by listening in on popular Al Qaeda frequencies

Fashion bosses to debate action on models' eating disorders
...such as allowing lunch breaks

Cell phone suppliers ship more than 1B phones in 2006
...half of which were thrown by Russel Crowe or Tyra Banks


1/27/07
Democrats 'confident' lawmakers will ease Cuba embargo
...in time to ship embalming fluid to Castro

Federal advisers endorse five-in-one vaccine for children
...but Pope opposes vaccines against children

N.Y. teacher restricted after anatomy drawings
...on the stalls in the boy's bathroom

'Monster Garage' host James to pay fine for vehicles
...after being pulled over by the fashion police

Gates says Internet will revolutionize TV in five years
...What's TV ask internet users

Huge python makes a meal of 11 guard dogs
...The first ten won him the bet, but then he started showing off


1/28/07
Actor awards show may be the key to Oscar victories
...not good movies as was the case originally

Destructive mussels threaten California water lines
...says reporter coining new nickname for the governor

Country radio struggles with shift in U.S. demographics
...away from inbreeding

Crowds on both coasts protest Iraq war
...that isolated fools in the Midwest still support

Comedy spoof 'Epic Movie' leads U.S. box office
...showing how sad the options are at the theater


1/29/07
Research reveals complexity of teardrops
...Note: Teardrops reveal complexity of women

Agency says air defense at nuclear plants impractical
...as mushroom clouds cause too much turbulence

Senate panel studies Katrina rebuilding
...and wonders why they don't steal Noah's idea

Senator trying to block military surplus sales to Iran
...so unstable high school kids here at home can have more gear

Global court ready for first trial of Congo suspect
...after he was identified in a Conga line-up


1/30/07
Fallon says U.S. miscalculated Iraq
...A better estimate would have been 'completely' fucked-up

FDA approves contraceptive to treat moderate acne
...Redundant though since acne is already a contraceptive of sorts

Scientists allege pressure to downplay global warming
...Solution: Heat and presure could turn carbon dioxide into a diamond

The Police reuniting to open the Grammys
...and to arrest Snoop on several outstanding warrants

N.J. school to test students for drinking
...Finally!  Something they can actually pass!

Judith Miller's testimony contradicts Libby's story
...thereby avoiding a subsequent trial for plaigarism

In Chicago winter, hardy cyclists keep riding
...because they don't dare try their brakes!


1/31/07
Panel hears climate 'spin' allegations
...from people who have been in tornados

Afghan reliance on opium decreasing, U.S. says
...so it should be able to leave rehab shortly

Clemson probes party that mocked blacks
...Um, the GOP?

Bush takes aim at executive salaries in speech
...and in practice just gives them huge tax cuts

Grape juice good for the heart: study
...but most unwilling to switch from blood

U.S. plans to raise immigration, citizenship fees
...but the illegals stay for free

Comedian Al Franken to run for Senate in Minnesota
...in the first move in his career that made me laugh

Continued violence hastens brain-drain in Iraq
...to the point they're overdrawn

New Orleans plan sees 10-year, $14 billion rebuilding
...to set up the sequel to the last record-breaking disaster story

Firm hopes 'smokable' pain drugs deliver faster relief
...than the Cheech and Chong jokes this news inspired


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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