The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

12/1/06
U.S. rates travelers for terror risk
...by which are visiting their in-laws

Al-Maliki faces revolt within government
..many others find him revolting as well.

Houston mayor calls for independent Taser study
...in addition to those conducted by frat boys everywhere

Simulation shows ancient tsunami's devastation
...ancient insurance claims, too

Court to decide case on Bush's faith initiative
...Ironically, courts require evidence, something faith rejects

Britney ditches her panties, raises eyebrows
...and something else in healthy males


12/2/06
Criminal psychopaths may have brain defect - study
...according to interviewers who barely escaped with their lives

Rushdie says he no longer fears Islamic death threat
...as there are no more Muslims left who can read

Companies use dating tactics to find new hires
...that they can then sleep with, of course

Afghanistan opium cultivation hits record high
...High expected to be passed on to consumers

Robot to explore deep inside Pyramid of Cheops
...in case any humans escaped their death rays

Experts call for more data on spinal fusions
...but researchers aren't exactly bending over backwards to get it


12/3/06
Report: N.Korea offers uranium to Russia
...in case Putin needs to poison anyone else

Arkansas begins Bible-based program in prisons
...to teach how capital punishment turns victims into objects of worship

Supreme Court to hear 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' case
...over snickers from the plaintiffs

Rural rapper's star on the rise after Internet debut
...titled 'Drive-by from my John Deer'

OPEC divided on need for deeper output curbs
...If the curb was any deeper, we couldn't get out the driveway

More than 380 sick aboard world's largest cruise ship
...and there isn't room for all of them at the rails!

Congress prepares to wrap up unproductive year
...and regift it this xmas

Taco Bell closes outlet amid E. coli probe
...Gray aliens called in as experts with E. coli probes

Raul Castro extends olive branch to U.S.
...thus leaving Cuba with no firewood to burn this winter

Aide: Bush not seeking cover for pullout
...but wearing a cover from AIDS means no need for a pullout

Iraq conjoined twins stable as operation nears end
...in a metaphor for the inevitable future of their homeland


12/4/06
Chavez vows more radical socialism after election win
...How radicial is it if it's an election promise?

Nagin taps disaster expert to lead Katrina recovery office
...but many question the qualifications of his speech writer

Bush, Shiite leader discuss Iraq unification
...with the rest of the king's horses and king's men

2006 unusually warm, but not hottest year: experts
...citing J. Lo's famous green dress

Nepal court orders protection for threatened rhino
...in the makings of the best love story since "The Bodyguard"

Anorexics, bulimics learn methods online: study
...whereas most of us get fat staring at a computer

Elderly perplexed over Medicare choices
...and what to do when the light turns green

Boys at greater risk of high blood pressure: study
...in their pants during the Victoria's Secret show


12/5/06
Changes in Iraq policy seem inevitable
...in response to a country that never changes

Latin America governments continue move to the left
...while Africa continues to the right due to continental drift

Urban birds adapting calls to din of cities
...and can now be called by cell phones or pagers

U.S. manufacturers struggle to find skilled labor
...as they're skilled at avoiding doing any work

Somalia prime minister says troops ready for war
...whereas the rest of the world is tired of their wars

Eddie Murphy unsure if ex-girlfriend's baby is his
...in a situation as unfunny as his movies have become

NY bans most trans fats from restaurants
...ACLU to sue on behalf of discriminated molecules

NASA telescope sees black hole swallowing remote star
...to be released by same company that sold Pam and Tommy's tape


12/6/06
Iraq report to ramp up pressure on Bush
...reads todays' unintentionally dirty headline

Actor Andy Dick apologizes for using racial slur
...after learning his own name wasn't intended as an epithet

Egyptians find 4,000-year-old mummy of doctor
...who was obviously the inventor of bandages

Audit finds FEMA squandering millions in Katrina aid
...by spending it on people in Louisiana and Mississippi

Flatulent passenger grounds flight
...and is forced to take self-powered hot air balloon instead

Eastwood film wins first award of Oscar season
...undoubtedly making Dirty Harry's day

Global warming reduces ocean food supply - study
...because the fish won't keep if you don't freeze them


12/7/06
French vinters aim to educate younger drinkers
...but maybe they ought to wait until they sober up

Llamas could thwart biological weapon attack - report
...published by those damned llama propagandists

Bush, Blair welcome Iraq panel's conclusions
...Everyone else welcome's Iraq war's conclusions

New Mexico Governor Richardson decries border fence
...as blocking his view of the cock fights

Seminole Tribe of Florida buying Hard Rock chain
...so Chief Hard Rock can reclaim his brand name

Flung Wii controllers spur Nintendo probe
...into the identity of the second (first-person) shooter

More families playing video games but concerns remain
...about a different version of dad cheating on mom

New Jersey asks Taco Bells to throw out their food
...much like how patron's stomachs do


12/8/06
Bark beetles ravaging forests in western U.S.
...but research suggests bark is worse than their bite

Bush, Congress leaders to meet on Iraq
...but not Iraq soil; they're not going near that place

U.S. consumer confidence slips ahead of holidays
...after failing to de-ice the sidewalk

Guantanamo detainees going to new prison
...for buying into old ideology

Haniyeh tells Iranians that Hamas will not recognize Israel
...Optometrists tell Hamas to get glasses and maps since the 1950s

U.S. says trade friction with China could escalate
...to the point it sets off the firecrackers

Wesley Snipes surrenders on federal tax fraud charges
...after months of intense pursuit by Tommy Lee Jones

Panel says GOP didn't protect pages from Foley
...Many unprotected stem cells feel stimilarly abandoned

Car seats may cause breathing problems
...so do it in a bed like the rest of us why don'tcha?

Illinois man charged with plotting to blow up mall
...after FBI agents misread "blow-out sale" signs

Blair tells migrants to accept British values
...because pound for pound there's no better value

Critics writing their lists, checking them twice
...and can't wait to see what the naughiest wear to the Oscars


12/9/06
Katrina politics still dominate Louisiana election
...by providing unprecidented amounts of mud to sling

Key 'Cradle of Humankind' fossil younger than thought
...but still more than two million years past legal age of consent

Sunnis condemn U.S. military attack
...while themselves attacking... well.. everyone

Congress seeks to prevent overfishing in U.S. waters
...by reducing their by vacation time

California wildfires may be making children sick: study
...but that still doesn't justify arson

Actress Fanning is coming of age
...which is why fewer pedophiles follow her career

Official seeks to make homeless attacks a hate crime
...thanks to influence of powerful homeless lobbyists

Pope supports religious symbols in public places
...even though he can only be in public behind bulletproof glass

Letters to Santa flood Alaskan town of North Pole
...and serve as much-needed kindling for heating

Fewer U.S. inmates on death row in 2005 - study
...thanks in part to declining electrity costs


12/10/06
Iraq Study Group authors defend strategy plan
...to bubble in "C" for anything they didn't study for

Nobel peace laureate urges world to fight poverty
...Prize revoked for promoting fighting (even with poverty)

Astronauts check shuttle for damage
...then swap insurance information with other driver

Oops, Grammys erred with two nominees
...not just Milli and Vanilli

Funk veteran Prince to play at Super Bowl show
...since his career can be summed up as a wardrobe malfunction

Iraq president lashes out at study group
...US president never attended any in college

NYC officials promise gentle enforcement of trans fat ban
...by gradually choking the coronary arteries of offenders


12/11/06
Couples marry in Iraq amid chaos
...thus following the trend toward entropy

Nearly 50 years old, Barbie bounces back
...unlike the plastic on many whose parts don't bounce

Antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan convicted of trespassing
...after illegally invading and occupying the UN office in NY

Scathing Dickens Christmas letter to journalist up for auction
...though not likely to be bid upon by a mizerly old Scrooge

In epochal shift, half humanity to become urban
...though most will remain urbane

Virus outbreak keeps cruise ship in port
...thereby delaying his honeymoon to Nostra


12/12/06
N.Y. plans polygraph tests for sex offenders
...instead of attaching electrodes where they should

U.S. health system not ready for disaster - study
...However, it is frequently described as one

Astronauts venture outside for space station work
...as the pay on the other side of the airlock was too low

Early Oscar boosts given to Eastwood
...while Clint squints back at them

Bush gives no hint of new Iraq direction
...nor even what the old one was

Government appeals currency redesign
...instead of designing currency to appeal to the blind

Mexico cracking down in drug stronghold
...which is better than cranking up in a crackhouse

Small nuclear war may spark climate change
...by producing weather-controlling mutants like Storm

Antarctic hut eerily intact after nearly a century
...in a place so cold even time is frozen


12/13/06
British prostitutes urged to stay off streets
...and get into bedrooms

Climate change becoming key voting issue worldwide
....as theres less snow between voters and the polls

Bush says he won't be rushed on Iraq shift
...or to read at his grade level

European leaders to put brakes on EU enlargement
...by restricting intake of so much French food

Michigan to parole Jack Kevorkian in June
...Hide your old people!

NASA retracts 115-foot solar panel on space station
...after neighbor complains to the neighborhood association about the view

'Girls Gone Wild' founder given community service
...though he's made a career of picking up trash already

New York women release anger -- by Jell-O wrestling
...prompting releases by a number of men as well

Lettuce suspected in Taco Bell E. coli
...and is currently being held for questioning


12/14/06
Airports could save more than $100K per year by recycling
...instead of compacting their passengers

Jimmy Carter prays with rabbis angered by his book
...contrast with Salmen Rushdie's case

New York eyes alcohol ban on commuter trains
...after engineer tires of always being the designated driver

Weather stymies Mt. Hood search
...and ironically necessitated it in the first place

U.S. trade regulators revoke most steel tariffs
...You have to be pretty stong to do that, obviously

India claims its carbon emissions not harming world
...except for the carbon used in the production of curry

Oceans could rise more than four feet by 2100
...meaning they'll then be too deep for kids to wade in

Poll shows Arab opinion of U.S. is deteriorating
...I dare you to ask my opinion on the reverse

FDA must regulate drug ads more carefully - report
...as most of us have overdosed on them already


12/15/06
FBI: Cleric's illness may spark attack
...by those with mental illnesses such as Islam

Transplant patient 'amazed' by new right hand
...noting that masturbation is like sex with someone new

Threat of war grows in Somalia
...as the soil there supports little else

World economies expected to grow as U.S. slows
...Any slower and we won't be able to calculate the tip

New Orleans threatened by 'brain drain' after Katrina
...since everyone with brains moved because the place doesn't drain

Miss USA in danger of losing crown due to behavior
...such as leaning over so far it slides off her head

Stones score top tour of 2006
...though profits went toward medical deductables this year


12/16/06
Powder found at U.N. apparently flour
...that was destined for poorer nations

French women still on sidelines in politics, business
...but most are not attractive enough to deserve pom-poms

Iran offers to give nuclear technology to neighbors
...Specificallly, whatever they can carry under a trenchcoat

Canada's main parties near dead heat in new poll
...as opposed to dead cold which Canadians are used to

Penguins offer evidence of global warming
...in return for exemption from prosecution

Hoaxer, not Hilton, wrote Britney defense posting
...First clues: Paris is illiterate and doesn't care what you think

Penguins may hold evidence of global warming
...in the pockets of their cute little tuxedos


12/17/06
U.S. regulators ease rules set after scandals
...after scandals diminish to endangered status

Luxury rehab centers drawing high-end clients
...who pay less for treatment than they did supporting their habit

Time magazine's Person of the Year: You
...thanks in part to my hilarious take on the headlines

Retailers count on holiday procrastinators
...who wait to see what they're getting before they give

Group says "fake" fur on coat at Macy's is real
...while opposite protests occur in jewelry department


12/18/06
Shooting resumes, Gaza cease-fire ends
...by definition

Off-roaders, environmentalists clash over Calif. canyon
...like Wile E. Coyote, then look down and begin to fall

Medical spas now offer Botox treatments in malls
...to keep up poker faces around high-pressure salespeople

North Korea insists on being treated as nuclear power
...so hippies circle it in protest

Indian athlete loses medal after failing gender test
...demonstrating how athletes have poor study skills

South Korean team produces three cloned dogs
...or as they call it: a three course meal

Chubby children in London plan lean Christmas
...but who will play "Tiny" Tim?


12/19/06
O.J. Simpson book publisher reportedly to sue HarperCollins
...but Johnny Cochran isn't taking any new cases

Crash tests challenge subcompact car safety
...and raise insurance rates for dummies

Study reveals one key to bird flight
...A pilot's license

Hamas, Fatah to pull gunmen off streets
...and get them involved in community programs

U.N. Iran nuclear talks stall; Russia has objections
...because it needs radioactivity to kill more ex-spies

Marijuana top U.S. cash crop, policy analyst
...if you include cost of Cheech & Chong movie tickets


12/20/06
Pete Rose backs Mark McGwire, self for Hall of Fame
...but even the bookies say don't bet on it

Bush admits insurgents thwart U.S. efforts in Iraq
...which their job, after all

Al-Zawahri says U.S. should talk to al-Qaida
...without using so many four-lettre words

Bungee cord backpack keeps strain off shoulders
...but doesn't address strain that leads to required suicidal tendencies

"Robo-calls" reach 2 out of 3 U.S. voters: study
...resulting in robot-controlled Congress

FBI releases last of secret John Lennon files
...though they've been bootlegged by for years conspiracy theorists


12/21/06
Pentagon wants $99.7B more for wars
...but who's going to buy a war at any price?

Arabic ads in Virginia town aim to dispel fear of Muslims
...but no one can read them and assume they're a terrorist threat

N.J. governor to make gay unions official
...but it's up to wedding planners to make them fashionable

Tides affect speed of Antarctic ice slide
...and new, improved Tide makes it go still faster!

Wine maker's mass nude run promotion scrapped
...as runners would drink too many bottles to be motivated

Judge dismisses suit against Michael Moore
...as no suits come in his size


12/22/06
Giant squid caught alive on tape for first time
...Tape was more than a mile long and sticky underwater

L.A. mayor loses bid to control schools
...leaving the bullies in charge

Homeland Security admits violating air passenger privacy
...by walking in on them in the airport restroom

Ads masquerade as blogs in new online marketing tactic
...Opinions masquerade as facts in online blogs

Cuba claims fastest economic growth in Americas
...by doubling GDP to $2 this year

Video game console shortage could linger into '07
...unless charity organizations and the UN step in

Parents advised to limit kids' use of noisy toys
...lest they end up as defendants in a murder trial

Trump and O'Donnell in war of words over beauty queen
...who probably wouldn't do either of them


12/23/06
Optimists may have longer lives, study says
...giving cynics still more ammunition

U.N. issues plea to protect journalists in war zones
...after casualties in on-going Pitt-Aniston feud

Immigrant fights deportation inside Chicago church
...whereas most merely fight sleep

Japanese owners pamper pets with acupuncture
...whereas others abuse pets by sticking them with needles

FCC defends fine for Janet Jackson breast flash
...after being accused of being a bunch of boobs


12/24/06
Strange seasonal crimes accompany Christmas
...mostly crimes against fahion

Man who inspired 'Happyness' skips opening night
...since you don't find it in a theater without Alanis Morrisette

Mail carriers make rare Sunday deliveries after snowstorm
...since presumably the nusance dogs will be kept inside

Video game console shortage could linger into '07
...thus extending the lives of couches by several months

Pope makes Christmas appeal for children
...as many priests have no one to rape for Christmas


12/25/06
Pope offers Christmas prayers for peace
...Worn-torn countries were hoping for at least some socks

Legendary singer James Brown dies at 73
...after indicating to doctors that "I feel good.  Yow!"

Cocaine on 94 percent of Spanish banknotes
...which highlights Spain's straw shortage

Iraqi Christians celebrate amid war
...being fought over Christians in Iraq

Armadillos making their way up to Midwest U.S.
...where evidence of evolution is apparently in short supply


12/26/06
No tsunami danger following Taiwan quake
...Good thing since anything made there shrinks when wet

Spanish surgeon says Castro doesn't have cancer
...The uncontrolled growth on his face is merely his beard

Study suggests aboriginal settlers behind Australia extinctions
...Not the butler as previously suspected

Elderly Muslims risk death for pilgrimage
...in quest to pick up virgins either way

Prizes for prostitute-free New Year
...include a trip to Vegas!

Venezuela denies role in Colombia, Ecuador spat
...in global version of Spanish-language soap opera


12/27/06
Ford hailed as a man of 'highest integrity'
...and coincidentally was never elected

Saddam execution may not need Iraqi president's OK
...if they can borrow the rope from someone else

Officials prepare for Ford to lie in state
...years after his predecessor lied in office

Ecuador names first female defense chief
...Qualifications include being overly defensive about her weight

FDA set to approve food from cloned animals
...if it's sold in 'buy one get one free' promotion


12/28/06
Chief lawyer urges against Saddam handover
...until he says where he hid all the WMDs

FDA declares food from cloned animals safe
...and says they're tired of repeating themselves

Somali troops march into capital
...Most wish they could come into some capital

Head-banging snakes may predict quakes
...is the coolest lyric on the new Quiet Riot album

Federal offices to close Jan. 2 in honor of Ford
...and close April 1 in dishonor of Bush

Too much fish in mother's diet may be risky for fetuses
...who will find it too crowded to swim

Northern Ireland church leaders call for unity
...but think the other guys are going to hell just the same

FDA approval may spark 'clone-free' labels
...as producers copy one another oblivious to the irony

Argentina seeks dirty war officer from Spain
...but he's booked in Vegas thanks to awesome title

China heralds year of the fluorescent green pig
...even though Pink Floyd hasn't toured in years

U.S. military reaches out to Muslims to serve
...alcohol.  I mean, come on already, you idiots


12/29/06
Atlanta hip-hop artists bring crunk to church
...and place their grillz in the collection plate

For sale on eBay: dream holiday with a stranger
...and other oxymorons

25-square-mile ice shelf breaks off in Arctic
...Civil war expected to follow

Taliban chief vows to drive out foreign troops
...as long as they give him some money for gas

Colorado pounded by second powerful snowstorm
...after finally finding the courage to divorce the first one


12/30/06
2006 a year of surprises in Hollywood
...such as the fact Lance Bass is gay

Haj pilgrims start stoning ritual
...not unlike Grateful Dead fans

Cheney hails Ford's pardon of Nixon
...and hopes for similar deal

Purported Castro message assures Cubans
...that Castro is too sick to actually deliver anything himself

Drought-hit Australia to punish water wasters
...by sentencing them to drinking contests against Mel Gibson


12/31/06
Comedian Jay Mohr reportedly marries Nikki Cox
...giving us something to groan at besides his sorry act

Gazans fear radio rhetoric may cause war
...but Casey Casem with continue to read letters on air anyway

Rains trap tourists in Kenya's Masai Mara safari
...which is turning into a fishing expedition

New twins makes Spaniard world's oldest mum at 67
...Technically, she broke her own record minutes later

Bushes pay respects to former President Ford at Capitol
...for paving way for bumbling idiots in the White House


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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