The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

11/1/06
10 shot at San Francisco Halloween party
...Gunman is described as wearing a mask, of course

Skull-cleaning business thrives in Oklahoma
...Nearby brainwashing churches thriving as well

Kerry apologizes for 'botched' joke
...in oblique reference to who he lost the election to

Tony Snow gives White House press briefing
...or another Snow job, you might say

North Korea wants bank accounts unfrozen
...in time to push us toward a nuclear winter

Unmarried women may be key variable in elections
...Just ask Gary Hart

Cingular to offer music to cell phone subscribers
...the way they offer ringtones in restaurants and movies


11/2/06
FDA questions safety of energy drinks
...such as the Three Mile Island Ice Tea

Prince to perform weekly shows in Las Vegas
...now that his old name can be places on marquees

U.S. worker productivity slows to a standstill
...to keep pace with so-called 'rush hour' traffic

U.S. confirms soldier married an Iraqi
...thereby violating prohibitions on torture

Democratic politicians find religion, churchgoing voters
...easy targets for headlines like this

In Kansas, nine ex-Republicans run as Democrats
...and yet this is the state that denies evolution?

Afghanistan opium crop may match record
...driving opium futures up 12% at market close


11/3/06
New test may detect dementia early - study
...resulting in patients forgetting diagnosis sooner

Evangelical leader quits amid gay sex claim
...yet claims of scientists never bothered him

Ranks of independent voters in U.S. rising
...Many to be promoted to private 2nd class

$140M Pollock may be world's priciest painting
...excepting Clinton on Monica's dress

U.S. shuts web site said to reveal nuclear guide - report
...but leaves Mentos and Diet Coke recipes on YouTube

Stem cells a wild card in Missouri Senate contest
...since they can develop into just about anything

Britons more wary of Bush than Kim Jong Il - poll
...based on the former's tendency to slaughter English


11/4/06
China seeks ties with African regimes reviled by West
...Doesn't China have enough silk to make their own ties?

United Artists started by actors, directors seeking control
...Betty Ford Clinic populated by same

Baghdad braces for Saddam trial verdict
...then has to wait for electricty to receive it hours later

Country music industry looks to attract Hispanic audience
...by remixing everything with an accordion player

Wal-Mart cuts prices in advance of holiday season
...so we'll have more junk to return after xmas

China's Hu pledges loans, aid to Africa
...Africans say thank Hu, thank Hu very much


11/5/06
Evangelical ousted amid gay sex scandal
...Actually, he was 'outted'

Children of Nazi race engineering meet in Germany
...with the Red Skull in latest issue of Captain America

Ship hauls Christmas goods across globe
...while collective barganing continues with disgruntled reindeer

Researchers: Dolphin may have 'remains' of legs
...but still plans to sue Darwin for loss of use of limbs

More than a million suffer chronic fatigue
...but found the energy to respond to this survey


11/6/06
Professor studying link between mind and stomach
...which anatomists call 'the neck'

NJ voters oppose calling same-sex unions "marriage"
...as this term better describes their own no-sex unions

Parties work to turn out U.S. voters
...Bouncers work to turn out partiers

Schwarzenegger seen as GOP bright spot
...[Punchline considered redundant even by libertarians]

Parties spend $225M on 76 House, Senate races
...to be recouped by selling politicians to special interest groups

Morocco says Sahara state would be "terrorist den"
...minus the wet bar, of course

U.S. two-dollar bill gains popularity
...but three-dollar bills unwelcome except in Episcopalian collection plates

Famous warship museum stuck in the mud
...much like most museum curators


11/7/06
Study: School bus injuries exceed estimates
...once splitball-related deaths are factored in

Children's smoking, drinking linked to R-rated TV - studies
...and maybe negligent parents, you think?

Explorers unearth England's deepest cave
...thought, technically, it's not a cave if you unearth it

Faith Hill says CMA reaction was a joke
...People with taste say same about CMA

Britney files for divorce after 2-year marriage
...with a half-life a tenth that of strontium-90


11/8/06
Schwarzenegger wins in California landslide
...as voters rally to stave off his film career for four more years

Russia wants to weaken demands on Iran
...as obviously Iran is too stupid to keep up

Scores of icebergs drift near New Zealand
...on advice from travel agents for good places to chill

Male-dominated Congress adds new women
...as alternative to over-sexed pages

Blind mice see again after retina cell transplants
...and identify cat in police line-up

Youth turnout in U.S. election biggest in 20 years
...or before many of them were born

Jackson to perform 'Thriller' in comeback show
...only now make-up effects will be needed to make him appear human


11/9/06
Federline's career in doubt after split
...but is seeking counciling from Tom Arnold

Dylan Broadway show to close after poor reviews
...as no subtitles were provided for the Dylan-impaired

Palestinians call for revenge at funeral
...weddings, birthdays, and any other occassion

Political winds shift for 2008 White House race
...though the hot air really hasn't started yet

Iraqi government to repair Shiite shrine
...where there's no separateion of Church and State of disrepair


11/10/06
Mehlman to step down from RNC post
...or as it's come to be know: the whipping post

R.I. senator may leave Republican Party
...since they never spike the punch

Lawyers may wear Islamic veil in U.K. courts - judge
...assuming they can get past the metal detectors

Two fraternity members sue over appearance in 'Borat'
...to draw attention to the fact that didn't want to draw attention

Broad recall of acetaminophen under way
...giving the pharmaceutical industry a headache

Oscar-winning actor Jack Palance dies at 87
...but all were too afraid to approach the body for two weeks

Rep. Waxman set to probe areas of Bush gov't
...Meanwhile, Brazilian wax governs areas of bush

British spy agency says tracking terror plots
...would be more fun with gadgets and women

Bush to meet with Iraq Study Group
...[Punchline too easy here to bother with]

Official warns of obesity crisis across Europe
...based on suspicious geological seismic data

Ford needs more time to restate earnings
...as the books are currently undercooked


11/11/06
Warrantless wiretaps unlikely to be OK'd
...according to illegally collected surveilance tapes

Trump condos in Hawaii sell out in hours
...Hotel rooms in Vegas rent out by the hours

U.S. sends flood relief supplies to Ethiopia
...like 'We Are the World' tapes from drought relief

Bush says Rumsfeld replacement is agent of change
...Odds are McDonald's drive-thru makes more change

Thai zoo to teach panda to mate with "porn" videos
...after decades of success in trailers in the American Midwest


11/12/06
Japanese brave the elements for Sony's PS3
...in the last time they'll be outdoors for next six months

U.S.: Castro's health is deteriorating
...Soon he'll flee to the US for better care

Hezbollah to stage protests after talks fail
...In other words, now they're going to talk very loudly

Iraqi leader vows shake up amid carnage
...raising question why no one is already shaken by carnage

Researchers say waltzing helps mend hearts
...unless you're never asked to go to the dance


11/13/06
Gerald Ford is longest-living U.S. president
...having out-lived Chevy Chase's career by decades

Bush calls for global isolation of Iran
...after triggering same by rest of world to U.S.

Rumsfeld drops plan to attend NATO summit
...to file for unemployment

U.N. ready to float plan for "hybrid" Darfur force
...who will get better mileage than conventional forces

U.S. drops Vietnam from religious intolerance list
...after U.S. passes it on the same list

Election outcome boosts embryonic stem cell work
...as there is much damage to repair in Congress

Most U.S. women in the dark about HPV: survey
...Most HPV in the dark in women

Steve Wynn's damaged Picasso undergoing repairs
...if restorers can figure out which way is up

NASA has few options to fix failed Mars probe
...as the waranty ran out months ago


11/14/06
Senate Democrats to choose party leaders
...the way most parties do: Drinking contests

Iran says its nuclear fuel program almost complete
...so it won't have to fill up again for centuries

Hamas says new government won't recognize Israel
...due to severe headwounds sustained from thrown rocks

Germany seizes nearly 1M knockoff Nikes
...or 500,000 pairs, depending on how you look at it

Toys for Tots rejects talking Jesus doll
...for causing brain damage to impressionable children

South Dakota lawmaker resigns amid page scandal
...after several left his office dog-earred

Greeks suffer higher rates of obesity - study
...to distance themselves from healthy stereotypes

Driver threatens police with snake
...and is arrested for indecent exposure

Disease may increase as global temperatures rise
...or the reverse may be true as fevers melt ice caps


11/15/06
Mexico passes resolution on deportation
...that they'll refuse any shipped by COD

Bishops adopt gay outreach guidelines
...[And you don't need to reach for this punchline]

Bottom trawling hurts ecological systems - report
...because bar flies are left with naught in their league

Five small tsunamis hit northern Japan
...but were not strong enough to topple Godzilla

N.H. elementary school bans electronic games
...so kids can learn to get bruised in the real world

Trent Lott wins back Senate leadership slot
...Dems: Two houses forward, GOP: One step back

Many Americans need to work after retiring - survey
...after blowing their pensions on Bingo games

Beijing residents hide dogs to escape crackdown
...or cook-off.  Whatever.

DNA from Neanderthal leg shows distant split
...like maybe he could have used a cast

Happy people may suffer fewer colds
...if you can't tell 'cause' from 'effect'

Opposition candidate fights to make waves in Venezuela
...as there is a world-wide shortwage of wave manufacturers

Reactions mixed to S. Africa's gay marriage bill
...Thankfully, couples will be as well, too, finally

Football eases trauma of teen Katrina victim's move
...as he can't remember anything since the concussion


11/16/06
Nevada town passes English-only law
...that may severely limit casino jargon

Bush warns N. Korea against spreading nukes
...via ICBMs

Vatican stands by value of priestly celibacy
...as cheaper alternative than inevitable court costs

Pollution may offer 'shade' for global warming - scientists
...prompting GOP proposal for grants for tire fires

McCain calls for "common sense conservatism"
...to replace "military intelligence" as favorite oxymoron


11/17/06
Israel developing 'bionic hornet' robot to combat militants
...meanwhile 'Green Hornet' languishes in development

Cruise, Holmes exchange vows in Italy
...in country's most Fellini-esque scene in decades

Traveler ejected for smell loses legal suit
...and probably should have other suit dry cleaned

Senior Democrat renews call for military draft
...to ensure the war is even less popular

Crowds gather to buy Nintendo's Wii
...The rest of us just flush ours


11/18/06
'Never-ending kiss' caps TomKat wedding
...as bride tries in vain to get past nose to his lips

States struggle to pay for roads
...as dirt poor crews stuck in a rut

Calif. couple calls for orgasm for peace
...Next door neighbors call for peace and quiet

Syrian Village Hobbled by Years of Inbreeding
...much like the White House

Comedians Poke Fun at Pope; Vatican Not Amused
...because lawyers too busy with abuse suits to deal with comics

Pay packages rise for college presidents
...Some could even afford a few textbooks

Young people in developed countries unhappy, survey says
...as there are too few opportunities to die of a horrible disease

Lawmakers debate US future in Iraq
...when many doubt Iraq's future in Iraq

Muslim feminists in NY want to start Koran council
...Sensible feminists would want to start Koran bonfire


11/19/06
Bush asks China for aid with North Korea
...but China doesn't want custody on weekends

Abe assures China's Hu that Japan won't go nuclear
...so long as China doesn't go postal

More chipmakers outsource manufacturing
...to Mexico where the corn is cheaper

Report calls for "activity-friendly" communities
...where swingers clubs can thrive with impunity

Father of Madonna's Malawi baby remarries
...but that doesn't mean Madonna isn't a bastard

Brazilians in fuss over claim puppies born to cat
...and don't believe it's Tom Cruise's kid either


11/20/06
Use of electronic medical records may rise
...when a magnet is placed above them

Amish shooting victims recovering, donations soar
...to help pay for faster horses for their ambulance

Iraq says to restore full ties with Syria
...In other words: No casual Fridays

Cancer stem cells start tumors in mice
...Long-sought 'better mousetrap' finally found!

Migrant women clean houses in bid for American dream
...RV cleaners are migrant workers by definition


11/21/06
EU proposes to ban sale and import of dog and cat fur
...though used lint roller industry remains a loop hole

Beijing planning to build world's biggest subway
...that could even accomodate the old fat Jared

Researchers modify cotton to make seeds edible
...thus confusing the coloquialism of 'cotton mouth'

Peter Jackson won't direct film-version of 'The Hobbit'
...prompting largest mass suicide of geeks since Heaven's Gate

Katrina survivors turn to stand-up comedy, satire to cope
...after being exploited by it for last 12 months or so

Richards says racial outburst not fueled by bigotry
...just a desperate desire to be in the news again

How people taste food affects health - scientists
...Those who taste buffets more often die of heart disease

Mexico set to test world's largest radio telescope
...Martians have hit with "I'm on a Mexican Radio (Telescope)"

Fraternity punished for 'Halloween in the Hood' party
...by forcing them to switch from kegs to malk liquor

Director Robert Altman dies
...Several eulogies to be given simultaneously

NASA's Mars Global Surveyor believed lost in space
...along with Shirley MacLaine

Violent games blamed for German school attack
...in which robots fought off marauding mutants

TSA gives security tips to holiday travelers
...which can be summarized thusly: Stay home

Skeleton found at Jamestown site still a mystery
...as no closets have yet been discovered


11/22/06
Bush, Iraqi prime minister to meet
...someplace safe (i.e., Not Iraq, of course)

Anti-gay group drops plan to boycott Wal-Mart
...after learning 'The Santaland Diaries' was about Macy's

Rare Ethiopian lions poisoned to cut zoo costs - official
...Unfortunately, the poison was very expensive

Packed holiday flights may set record
...of cases of homicides by flight attendants

Gardeners cultivate hope in battered New Orleans
...as hope thrives in wet, temperate climates

Group scraps attempt to smoke biggest joint
...after lacking the will to turn off the television


11/23/06
Reports: Cheney in Iraq for Thanksgiving
...giving the troops another reason to duck

Pollution in China increasing as economy surges
...making the Yellow River ever more aptly named

Bad weather complicating Thanksgiving travel
...In-laws complicating reasons to give thanks

Macy's balloons fly through rain, wind
...while others filled with gas sit on sofa for the game

Police worried amateur videos don't tell whole story
...about why we can't all just get along

Turkish Muslim wants Pope to say Islam peaceful
...or they'll kill more nuns and one another

Cheney's office denies he's in Iraq
...so alibi with wife doesn't hold up


11/24/06
Cocaine, heroin prices in Europe falling - report
...as Stones tour shifts to American leg

Americans spend $7B on holiday food each year
...and additional $1.5B for antacids

Depressed youths start drinking earlier - report
...Many don't wait for 'happy hour,' for obvious reasons

Simpson says he deserves criticism over book
...and not cleaning up after his murders

Turkish police appeal for restraint in Pope protests
...or they'll be protesting how right they proved him

Robots aid stroke victims, autistic children
...as ploy to get us to trust them.  Don't.


11/25/06
In-store cameras let firms track shoppers' habits
...such as picking their nose when no one's looking

Likely 2008 presidential candidates court activists
...while outgoing president doesn't like activist courts

French diplomats set to leave Rwanda after ties cut
...Because you just don't mess with a Frenchman's neckwear

Bangladesh launches anti-polio drive as virus stages comeback
...including a new album, scandal, and an appearance on VH1

Thousands flee rebel attack in eastern Congo
...Refugees file out in single file Congo line


11/26/06
Iraq PM facing criticism over Bush talks
...Texas schools face criticism whenever he talks also

Women priests get worst positions in Church of England - study
...American alter boys get [Punchline Censored by Order of God]

Democrats pledge array of investigations
...without 'under God'

'Happy Feet' remains on top of box office
...but at the bottom, anatomically speaking

Fighting rages as Iraq leaders seek calm
...Note: Fighting rages is a good way to seek calm


11/27/06
Snow slows holiday travel in the West
...except for those at the top of the hill

Documentary films rattling business world
...except for the movie industry who merely profit

Chile's Pinochet again put under house arrest
...making it difficult for real estate agents to show

Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock to divorce
...No word if she will retain custody of the hepatitis

Exotic pets may pose health risk
...say police on scene of beheading of komodo dragon owner

Some dams inadvertently create habitat for trout
...and attract a bunch of stinkin' dam trout fisherman

Turkey to host Pope amid protests, tight security
...and the fact the Pope can't have turkey on Friday

Doctors test tiny implant to prevent strokes
...Women get big implants to do just the opposite

U.S. Embassy denies asking Bush twins to leave Argentina
...They did so on their own after drinking the country dry

Anglican leaders launch robust defense of faith
...Using what evidence to deny a need for evidence?


11/28/06
Justice Department eyes spy program
...so apparently it's not so well-hidden

Pope Benedict XVI arrives in Turkey
...whereas the rest of us use breadcrumbs

More than 600,000 Nintendo Wii consoles sold in U.S.
...to people who will never get those hours of their lives back

Mississippi educators look to curb dropout rate
...by just sending them straight to prison after junior high

Scientists say trained bees can sniff bombs
...Related story: Ill-timed sting of bomb technician ends program

Scientists gather to plan observations from the Moon
...safely away from Christian fundamentalists

Pope defuses tensions on visit to Turkey
...while his security defuse Turks

Warnings follow string of sea-lion attacks
...In other words, attacks came without warning


11/29/06
X-Men comic illustrator Dave Cockrum dies
...but he'll be back next issue like they always do

U.S. economy grows by 2.2 percent in third quarter
...After marriage, wives grow anually by 2.2% in hind quarters

Cosmetic surgery may change perceptions of middle age
...and the law of gravity

U.S. tries to pressure Kim Jong Il with luxury ban
...as if those are Rayban sunglasses he's wearing

Atlantic hurricane season ends without strike on U.S.
...after hurricane union is appeased by meteorologists

EU urged to suspend membership talks with Turkey
...Apparently they're not talking turkey!

Ancient calculator was 1,000 yrs ahead of its time Technology
...after not correcting for last 365,000 leap years

NFL working on strategies to court female fans
...instead of being taken to court by them

Aso: Japan can possess nuclear weapons
...not just the remains of a couple dropped 60 years ago


11/30/06
California memorial for Iraq dead stirs controversy
...but not the dead

Author Iain Hollingshead wins Bad Sex in Fiction award
...undoubtedly for his autobiography

7M in U.S. jails, on probation or parole
...Thanks, Dogg the Bounty Hunter!

Global warming is New York's top environmental issue
...Specifically, how to get some of it this winter

Iraq forces to take over security in 2007
...by which time there will be none in Iraq

Intricate wrinkles on bats' faces may improve sonar
...or be signs that bat wives know their husbands are full of guano

Haagen-Dazs co-founder Rose Mattus dies at 90
...Today's vocabulary word: 'Cryogenics'


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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