The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

10/1/06
Polygamy perception still dogs Mormons
...almost as much as their 2nd and 3rd wives

FBI worries of possibility of al-Qaida-mob link
...because two ethnocentric groups are sure to embrace one another

Decorated Army deserter returns to U.S.
...Camo would have been more inconspicuous

Many men who pay for sex have partners - UK study
...Obviously

Kylie the latest celebrity to write for children
...since Representative Foley

Rumsfeld says he has Bush's confidence
...along with creationism and other disproven things


10/2/06
Hastert denies GOP leaders saw Foley e-mails
...seeing as how they're all over 16

U.S. to resume some military aid to Latin America
...to combat further influx of Enriques and Julios on Mtv

North, South Korea resume military talks
...as in, "You shoot at me, I'll nuke you."

Supreme Court rejects Nazi guard appeal
...except for Scalia who finds Nazis appealing

U.S. population to top 300 million this month
...Thanks a lot, Britney

House Republicans grapple with sex scandal
...as some grapple with teenage boys

Rumsfeld has had bumpy ride as defense chief
...maybe because his SUV is weighted down with armor

Police caution George Michael on drugs
...Fashion police add citation for wardrobe

Dave Matthews brings female fans to Farm Aid
...as the trip took too long by tractor

Food may be like a drug for some, study shows
...among those who cook marijuana into their brownies

Alaska storm cracks iceberg in Antarctica - study
...Technology to be harnessed for giant sno-cone machine

Prosecutor: Steroids story contains 'inaccuracies'
...Some areas were exaggeraged, others atrophied

Frist says Taliban should be in Afghan government
...Most sensible minds think they should be in the ground

Surveys shape museum exhibits on science
...as opposed to experiments, as it used to be done


10/3/06
Democrats want to revive Social Security issue
...as though there's a shortage of Bush-mocking material

Paraguay to stop giving U.S. troops immunity
...from dysentery

North Korea says it will stage nuclear test
...Actually, they'll just be testing us

Heart screening prevents athlete deaths - study
...which is good, since there's no instant replay there

Penn State houses large E. coli collection
...but can't keep the currator healthy for long

Foley says he was abused by a clergyman
..when he asked forgiveness for trolling for boys


10/4/06
Nuclear test worries N. Korea's neighbors
...who plan to call in a noise complaint

Brown Widow spider makes home on Gulf Coast
...since it isn't safe for human habitation

EU negotiator says no progress with Iran
...continuing trend over thousands of years of history

Breastfeeding doesn't impact child's intelligence - study
...but I wonder about those who do it in public places

Mexican archeologists make major Aztec find
...specifically, what Montezuma's put in the water

Police hunt breast enlargement cheats
...by training dogs to sniff out wadded Kleenex


10/5/06
Rice arrives in Baghdad on surprise visit
...unfortunately there's no water to boil rice in

Ex-page: Foley sent suggestive IMs
... including this cryptic one: ==> ((

'Peter Pan' sequel flies into bookstores worldwide
...as J.M. Barrie finally sells out

Hastert apologizes, refuses to resign
...based on the example of the Catholic Church

Tropics said to foster greater diversity of life
...according to travel agents posing as ecologists

Malaysia to levy fines for poor speech
...You could buy a new internet if that was applied to the web

Brain may have selfishness 'off-switch' - study
...but it is conspicuously absent in Paris Hilton

Bush supports Hastert despite scandal
...after being vaccinated against facts during his first term

Half Americans admit to re-gifting
...The rest pull off returns without a receipt

U.S. border fence plan upsets Mexicans
...who are willing to swim but too lazy to scale


10/6/06
Poll: Pentecostals widening influence around world
...as sales of women's pants plummet

Mongolia may regulate Genghis Khan name
...that the rest of world has pillaged for centuries

Foley scandal may cloud remaining Bush term
...just as cloud of Cheney's gun smoke begins to clear

Full moon to appear 12 percent bigger
...which Bush cites as evidence tax cuts help

Salman Rushdie to join Emory University faculty
...where radical fundamentalists will never find him

Exercise alone unlikely to prevent obesity
...if you only count walks to the fridge

Despite jobs report, Bush pleased with U.S. economy
...Proving the White House fact-proof, not fool-proof


10/7/06
Survey paints bleak picture of life for British Muslims
...'Muslim' added to thesaurus as synonym for 'bleak'

Mel Gibson to appear on 'Good Morning America'
...or as he calls is 'Good Morning Fourth Reich'

Researchers open supercentenarian center
...with lots of handicap parking spacies, of course

House's Foley investigation is wide open
...in contrast to pages who turned him down

Iraq seeks to put down violence in north
...although put downs will lead to more violence

Crustaceans attack NYC ships, piers
...in newly-discovered opus by Ed Wood


10/8/06
Wildfire devastates California sheep ranch
...On the upside: Firemen have BBQ mutton feast

Japan, China: N. Korea test unacceptable
...as they expected it to be multiple choice

NATO chief warns of Afghan tipping point
...They'll kill you if you leave less than 20%

Ex-convicts get second chance as beekeepers
...while allergic ones get lethally injected

France to impose smoking ban
...as if they weren't irritable enough


10/9/06
GOP lawmaker warned Foley in 2000
...that he would be great comedy material in 2006

Hilton, Richie seen together at L.A. steakhouse
...Media stunned to learn they actually eat

Advances allow many more U.S. soldiers to keep limbs
...No, these advances were neither political nor theological

NASA considering Frenchman for space station stint
...over the objections of ISS crew with a sense of smell

Report: Rep. confronted Foley in 2000
...at an interstate rest area bathroom

Web sites offer students another way to cheat
...and the same could be said of spouses


10/10/06
Lower standards help U.S. Army increase recruits
...and increase the pool of Darwin Award contenders

'Runaway bride' Wilbanks sues her former fiance
...for gas money

Joe Torre says he is staying with Yankees
...so go ahead and have dinner without him

Hastert says those who hid scandal must go
...to a needy archdioces to help wth the cover-ups

Gibson sorry for anti-Semitic "stupid rambling"
...as he meant to state his hatred more articulately


10/11/06
Triceratops' horns may have marked sexual maturity
...as adolesence is noted for the onset of horniness

Doctors urge more playtime for children
...to cover for how long you spent in the waiting room

Alaska oil pipeline's shaking causes concerns
...that it will start speaking in tongues next

Gay Republicans in tough spot after sex scandal
...as if self-loathing was every an easy way to live

Five U.S. states use dogs inside prisons - report
...No word on how many prisoners used in kennels

Bush defends North Korea policy against critics
...by threatening to nuke them

Study: Decaffeinated coffee has some caffeine
...after someone secretly switched their Foldgers crystals

Cost of transit tops housing for some in U.S.: study
...no word on where Winnebago owners were placed


10/12/06
Schwarzenegger challenger demands equal time on Leno
...Odds are he'll be funnier than the host

Exhaustive workouts may impair men's fertility - study
...because only gay men go to gyms anymore

Cat-cloning company to close its doors
...after competition from copy cats

Fed reports 'widespread cooling' in housing market
...thanks to installation of central air conditioning

Ethics panel questions page supervisors
...about their qualifications as pimps


10/13/06
Tobacco giant agrees to ban fruity cigarettes
...in order to appeal to homophobic constituents

House panel grills Foley's former aide
...and serves him up as the lunch special

Whooping cough making a comeback in U.S.
...playing clubs along the Vegas nostalgia circuit

Teenager plays video game using only his brain
...Scientists stunned to learn of teen with a brain

U.S. official: N. Korea air sample has no radioactivity
...but is high in MSG

Jury says Wal-Mart must pay $78M in damages
...after customers were crushed by errant rollbacks

Gibson links "Passion" with anti-Semitic remarks
...Passion for drink specials that is

McCain, Clinton most popular presidential choices - poll
...as no one can name any others


10/14/06
People making fashion statements with cell phones
...should probably just stay home as far as I'm concerned

Firm seeks FDA approval for gastric band in youths
...as albums by gastric bands climb the charts

Security Council OKs N. Korea sanctions
...such as restricting the export of fallout

One million pilgrims predicted for Iraqi Shiite festival
...in which they'll invariably trample and kill dozens

Prozac may protect against osteoporosis
...by combatting slouching so popular among the depressed


10/15/06
Enforcing North Korea sanctions looks tough
...to a president who can't count to 21 with his pants on

Pope Benedict proclaims four new saints
...No word yet on which positions they'll play

Strong quake hits Hawaii, no tsunami warning
...'So what's the good news?' ask surfers

Heirs defy history of black families losing land
...by appearing on Mtv's 'Cribs'

Mexican archeologists find largest Aztec figure
...was likely the result of a good harvest and a slow metabolism


10/16/06
Study: Parents underestimate college costs
...because they're worse at math than their kids

More tourists riding on zero-gravity flights
...in order to counter the obesity epidemic

China erects fence along N. Korea border
...It better be a foot thick and made of lead

Number 300 Million: Latino newborn Los Angeles boy
...Wow, who would thought it would be a Latino? And in LA?!

Jackie Chan frustrated by Hollywood safety rules
...that prevent him from kicking his own ass

Steve Irwin's daughter to star in wildlife series
...Crocs say it's bad taste, but they'll eat her anyway


10/17/06
Drug reactions send 700,000 to ER every year
...second only to Russell Crowe while intoxicated

NKorea: Sanctions are declaration of war
...not as response to Kim's crimes against fashion

Calif. sends 192-page voter guide to 12 million homes
...thus moving enough mass to trigger an earthquake

Time an enemy to many Frank Lloyd Wright buildings
...and is competition for Newsweek

Mike Tyson says he may fight women on tour
...women urge to put him in a paper bag to protect themselves

Democrat alludes to other Congressional page cases
...Apparently the GOP are real page turners

Wesley Snipes charged with federal tax fraud
...and is on the run with Tommy Lee Jones in pursuit

Madonna adoption plans trigger broad backlash
...So what *can't* Madonna do without controversy?


10/18/06
One in three workers jot down passwords - study
...Actually, 2 in 3, but half are stupid enough to fess up

Frugal Floridian leaves $35M to research
...for research into frugality

Hi-tech pool may boost Australians at Olympics
...given their shortcomings in the gene pool

Marijuana-like compound may fight Alzheimer's
...by ensuring you can't remember anything you'll forget

Study: Anti-aging supplements don't work
...any better than lying about your age


10/19/06
Wal-Mart cuts toy prices ahead of holidays
...so its employees can afford a few for their kids

NFL launches fitness campaign to fight child obesity
...continuing historical trend of jocks picking on fat kids

China envoy delivers message to N. Korea
...along with an order of moo goo gai pan

Stingray jumps on boat, stabs man in chest
...after discovering he had an affair with his wife

Pa. board approves mercury reduction plan
...They're going to lower the temperature so it shrinks

Scientists create cloak of partial invisibility
...which you can't see, so just take their word for it

White House rejects dividing Iraq, phased withdrawal
...or most other proposals grounded in logic and pragmatism

Ivory Coast braces for more uncertainty
...after all their astrologers are unexpectedly killed

Wounded ABC newsman Bob Woodruff to return to air
...instead of using a respirator

Russia probes reports Spanish king shot drunk bear
...reads most original sentence ever constructed in English


10/20/06
U.S. to rethink Baghdad peace efforts
...on account of Hell not freezing over in foreseeable future

Half of U.S. mothers don't get enough sleep - study
...which is what got them there in the first place in some cases

Priest denies having sex with Foley
...on advice from Bill Clinton on definition of 'sex'

Pentagon won't award cash in next robot race
...as robots spend it all on hard liquor and prostitutes

YouTube deletes 30,000 copyright files
...leaving only 100 million violations available

Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking files for divorce
...or as he calls it: 'Approaching singularity'


10/21/06
Immigrants settling in Republican districts
...can expect burning crosses on their lawns

Fla. church investigates priest tied to Foley
...to see how they got into this bondage debacle

Wood makes plastic stronger - scientists
...Wood should be covered in latex, say health experts

GOP ad uses bin Laden image, words
...considering he's more appealing than their candidates

German neo-Nazis rally outside Berlin jail
...clearly on the wrong side of the walls

Diplomat cites U.S. 'stupidity' in Iraq
...and there's plenty more back at home

Ex-S. Korean leader says North may use force
...on advice from Ben Kenobi


10/22/06
Fan uses stilts to watch World Series game
...and finds himself being scouted by the NBA

Iraqi youth want U.S. troops to withdraw
...in rare common ground with U.S. youth

Report: Foley singled out 'hot' boys in e-mails
...Many pages distressed not to have been courted

Panama Canal expansion likely to pass
...ships more easily

Power executives foresee carbon emission caps
...on the runways this fall and in stores by xmas


10/23/06
Hungary police battle protesters
...who won't let them into the donut shop

Gum maker Wrigley hires first non-family CEO
...to give prospective investors something to chew on

Republican senator says Iraq is near chaos
...Geographers note that Baghdad is the capital of chaos

No solution in sight for U.S. gun violence
...because it's out of range; try a long-range scope

Lawyer wants longer visits for John Hinckley
...in hopes Jodie Foster might finally stop by


10/24/06
Cult leader headed to execution in Ohio
...and martyrdom among a few brainwashed

Hollywood studios step up piracy battle
...after the success of that Johnny Depp sequel

Iran could have nuclear bomb by 2015 - Germany
...unless we drop one of ours on them first

Gene may affect how much pain people feel - research
...His last name is Siskel, and filmmakers are hardly people

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes set wedding date
...Groom to smash a couch at the ceremony

Ethiopia's 3.2 million-year-old 'Lucy' to tour U.S.
...Related story: Rolling Stones tour top earner this year

Potential problems loom in election voting
...since there's no 'none of the above' option


10/25/06
Dick Clark plans to auction memorabilia
...from his years working for Ramses II

Blind Internet users sue for accessibility
...as the brail version of Pam Anderson doesn't do it for them

N.J. court stops short of fully approving gay marriage
...after groom's parents object to his fiance

Bush, Republicans turn to talk shows for help
...after Laura calls Dr. Phil about W's drinking

Full face transplant gets go-ahead in UK
...based on pioneering efforts of Michael Jackson

City sets underwear rule for firefighters
...so they're always clean in case they have an accident

Oops! Spears names baby Jayden, not Sutton
...after polls find original not white-trashy enough

Lucy fossil will not be displayed at Smithsonian
...However, Desi and his band will have own exhibit


10/26/06
France's troubled suburbs want jobs, teachers
...not cake

Rumsfeld tells Iraq war critics to 'back off'
...because he's Secretary of Overly Defensive

Vandals set buses on fire in French suburbs
...and serve up commuter flambé

Vampyre club seeks new recruits
...and 'stake' out blood drives for donors

Duran Duran guitarist leaves band
...following the lead of many of its fans

Nigeria police tear-gas house of vice president
...Witnesses describe it as 'a tearful occassion'

State ballot measures seek limited government
...after example set by our clearly 'limited' president


10/27/06
Wild pigs eyed in tainted spinach probe
...as well as several fraternity hazing incidents

College students unaware of hepatitis C risks - study
...They're at risk of learning something in their dorm

Testosterone levels declining in American males - study
...thanks to influence of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'

Dick Clark set to return for New Year's Eve show
...and he's contracted until start of the next millenium

Fire crews battle to protect Calif. homes
...'Can't we just get along,' asks Smokey the Bear

White House hopefuls lay ground in midterm elections
...Democratic candidates probably lay more than that

Nicole Richie seeks medical help for thinness
...with experimental lipoblowtion procedure


10/28/06
NASA launches twin spacecraft to monitor sun
...to take up slack of reduced number of tanners on beaches

Obesity pill may treat diabetes
...but just to be be safe it won't be sugar coated

Oscar buzz grows for Penelope Cruz in "Volver"
...and obvious endorsement deal with Swedish car maker

Australia to build southern hemisphere's largest wind farm
...but Mexico's burritos produce most of northern hemisphere's wind

Voodoo music festival returns to New Orleans
...where dolls are looking to be stuck by doctors


10/29/06
Caffeine-stoked energy drinks worry doctors
...and make consumers equally jittery

Bush works to save GOP in last campaign
...though most GOP voters believe they are already 'saved'

Scientists discover key to hockey goalie success
...and yet are always picked last for the team

Wind leaves thousands in Northeast U.S. without power
...If they had turbines, the issue would be too much power

Emily Post's family still pushing modern manners
...without realizing that being pushy is considered rude

Consumer spending sees smallest increase in 10 months
...after I tell Dani she has enough shoes already


10/30/06
KFC to eliminate trans-fat oil from chicken
...'That's cruel,' says a confused Pam Anderson

Bush stumps for GOP in Ga., Texas as election nears
...Bush stumped by most things

Scientists take action in Ohio evolution battle
...by voting Neanderthals from the school board

Factory closing may mean end for pink plastic flamingo
...unless the US Dept. of Wildlife and Fisheries steps in

Gore to advise British on climate change efforts
...since no one listens to him State-side

Test suggests elephants recognize selves in mirror
...and yet still refuse to go on a diet

Some Christians give religious tract with candy
...which has already passed through the tract of a bull


10/31/06
Saudi Arabia hopes to use Islam to drive tourism
...the way Islam always drives tourists: AWAY!

St. Louis mayor disputes 'most dangerous city' ranking
...and threatens to maim or kill anyone calling it that

Humans, Neanderthals may have interbred - study
...based on the choices in this November's elections

Filmmaker sees lessons in Iranian history
...about a country doomed to repeat itself

Divorced women have more illnesses - study
...due mainly to receiving more kisses than married women

Bob Barker retiring after 50 years on TV
...says the price is right for producers to buy him out


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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