The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

9/1/06
Hurricane John heads for Mexico's Baja peninsula
...Says he's bringing lots of water, but not the bottled kind

Experts lower Atlantic hurricane forecast to five
...as precipitation predictions drop precipitously

Nagin tours NYC to pitch investment in New Orleans
...after hearing con artists can sell the Brooklyn Bridge

Mass. governor calls stem-cell research 'Orwellian'
...and places scientists under constant surveilance

Study finds mercury fillings for teeth not harmful
...unless you eat something hot, then it expands and cracks molars

Security must target people not objects
...the way insecurity does already

Cambodia passes adultery law, opposition walks out
...to go conservatives' homes and screw their wives

Mom's vitamin E may affect child's asthma risk
...since the vitamin pills are easy to choke on

Five years on, bin Laden manhunt drawing a blank
...check for Bush to play cowboy for a few more years


9/2/06
Driver charged in victim misidentification crash
...but claims it's a case of mistaken identity

Global manufacturing growth slows in August
...and loses its leaves beginning in October

Al-Qaida's al-Zawahri issues video
...but no one is adding it to their Netflix queue

New Japanese robot can 'taste' wines, cheeses
...Blueblood robots have been doing little else for decades

Cubans grapple with Castro's new frail image
...but carefully so they don't break it


9/3/06
American appears in new al-Qaida tape
...and will likely be looking for a new agent

Ku Klux Klan holds rally at Gettysburg
...after failing to remember Lincoln's address

Health experts: Obesity pandemic looms
...Projections say elastic to be depleted by 2010

Bipolar disorder takes heavy toll on workplace - study
...and then a lighter toll, and then a heavy one, and so on


9/4/06
Study finds fewer terror prosecutions
...and more "indefinitely held without trials"

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin killed
...by a lethal dose of irony

Rep. Shays says support of war has not waned
...Rep. Shays apparently cannot read

Atlantic tropical depression strengthens
...Efforts underway to seed clouds with Prozac

Bush says tax cuts helping workers
...at country clubs get bigger tips



9/5/06
Imelda Marcos may run for mayor of Manila in 2007
...and if anyone has shoes to run in, she's the candidate

Bush discusses progress in war on terror
...in an obviously very short talk

Newsweek magazine names new editor
...but misspells his name and uses wrong font

Penury and boredom weigh on West Bank refugees
...Many bide time consulting dictionaries for meaning of 'penury'

Digital divide still separates U.S. students
...who still try to divide ones by zeros

Pediatricians say dairy OK for lactose-intolerant kids
...as long at their is proper ventilation and no open flames


9/6/06
FAA approves child safety device for airplanes
...that prevents irate passengers from choking them

Potomac 'intersex' fish worry scientists
...who fear GOP will use them in gay marriage fight

U.S. Senate rejects limits on cluster bombs
...citing their right to peaceable assembly

Iran president urges West to follow God's path
...In other words, get the hell out of the Middle East

Former Ill. governor gets 6 1/2 years for corruption
...whereas most get antibiotics


9/7/06
Guantanamo now holds top terror suspects
...on the theory they weren't held enough by their parents

Drug use up for baby boomers, down for teens
...due to parents stealing their kids' stashes

EU postpones decision on liquids on planes
...until they've all evaporated away

Woman in vegetative state plays tennis in her head
...or maybe squash?

Drug use falls, except among older adults
...once you factor in Viagra

Senate approves $469 billion for Pentagon
...or 93.8 billion per side

Blair won't set specific date for exit
...It scares him to hear the words "Blair, which...?"

Crash ratings will be required on new cars in 2007
...based on which Paris Hilton can walk away from


9/8/06
Senate to issue Iraq intelligence report
...and finds there is none in the entire region

Brain changes may help explain teenage behavior
...as few develop one until somewhere in their 20s

Senate panel finds no pre-war Saddam-al-Qaida tie
...outside of George's propaganda

Schwarzenegger apologizes over remark
...that made Mel Gibson look like Jesus by comparison

Rapper 50 Cent arrested in New York
...Someone dropped a dime on 50 Cent?

Senate: Saddam saw al-Qaida as threat
...Bush saw them as opportunity

Former Chile dictator Pinochet loses immunity
...and is sentenced to death by lethal infections

New Ford CEO to get $18.5 million for taking job
...Mexicans to get $5 for taking American jobs

Man on trial for threats to judge threatens judge
...Imagine that.


9/9/06
Wyoming museum showcases Warhol animal art
...including the thing he used to wear on his head

Fatty pregnancy diet can harm fetus - study
...Fatty diets can also reduce likelihood of getting laid

Colorado county spent $29K on Karr case
...which was covered handily by sales taxes on tabloid

Former Iran leader blasts wave of 'Islamophobia'
...Actually, 'Islamophobia' was prompted by waves of blasts

N.Y. woman wins lottery for second time
...after last lottery win allowed her to afford bribes


9/10/06
Michael Moore film takes on U.S. health care
...Michel Moore's arteries expected to do same

Atlantis crew begins shuttle inspection
...and exchange insurance info with other driver

Ferrell takes dramatic turn as taxman
...as if his other roles have been all that funny

Flight stopovers may ease effects of jet lag
...and supplant them with feelings of annoyance

Rapper Diddy fined in Britain for name-change
...continuing his streak of unoriginality

Airline security measures hit musicians hard
...Everyone's a critic, it seems


9/11/06
Missing major's story confusing - Kyrgyz police
...on account of the fact that she speaks English

Philip Morris disputes study on nicotine levels
...the way smokers say they can quit at any time

Where you live linked to life expectancy - report
...Iraq was near the bottom on the list, obviously

Chicago embraces designer beef trend
...Cows: They're not just for wearing on runways

U.S. faces home-grown attack threat, experts say
...Here's a hint: He was raised in Texas

Ford to shrink U.S. dealer base over three years
...Correction: Japan shrinking Ford's dealer base

Pollution taints Hong Kong's business reputation
...never mind the effects on the environment

Bush urges unity in war on terrorism
...and has world hating the US as much as al Qaeda does

Saddam accuses Kurds of sowing hatred
...but what else can you grow in the desert?


9/12/06
Female astronaut participates in spacewalk
...but can't keep up anywhere else in those heels

Striking Detroit teachers reach contract deal
...to get back to striking obnoxious students

McCartney-Mills divorce playing out in the tabloids
...at 33 1/3 RPM

At least 41 dead in stampede during Yemen rally
...which was protesting civilized rallys

Americans split on Iraq as part of war on terror
...Note: Half of people are dumber than average

BMW to roll out hydrogen-powered 7 Series
...Car will now resemble their divers: Full of hot air

Schwarzenegger's first love recounts passions of 1970s
...in the first book written by a steroid

Green tea shown to prolong life in Japanese study
...thanks to reducing cholesterol from green eggs and ham

Prozac in streams may be endangering mussels
...and may complicate use of your muscle (or clam) in bed

Climate change seen pushing plants to the brink
...so you better sharpen your edger

Patriots file tampering charge against Jets
...Note: This headline is about football, believe it or not


9/13/06
Pluto given number 134340 as new name
...until the end of its sentence on Alcatraz

Texas court to reconsider DeLay conspiracy charge
...leading many to theorize about a conspriacy

Passenger tries to open exit door during U.S flight
...when pilot ignored cries of 'That's my stop!'

Astronauts lose another bolt to space
...which won't match threading on any black hole

Judge in Saddam trial deflects criticism
...but may not fare as well against bullets

Limits to surveillance bill blocked
...by blackmail obtained through unlimited surveillance

Experts see slow obesity fight for kids
...since they get winded before the end of each round

Recovered Munch art to be put on public display
...to humiliate the thieves for stealing that gaudy crap

Increased dietary fish oil may prevent many deaths
...though not of fish, obviously


9/14/06
Islamic TV network widens reach in U.S.
...by opening more Lebanese restaurants

Astronomers find puffy planet orbiting distant star
...Mass obtained by consuming too many Milky Ways

Judge tells Saddam: 'You are not a dictator'
...to prove that justice is indeed blind

Conservatives say religion under attack
...as they continue to back wars in Mid East

Princeton professor hacks e-vote machine
...Yale graduate hacked presidential election

Connecticut mom breaks record for biggest baby
...Biggest baby probably broke more than just record

Poor U.S. states among the fattest, survey finds
...as 90% of welfare funds go toward all-you-can-eat buffets


9/15/06
Senate panel defies Bush on terror
...and now lives in terror from Bush

U.N. spotlights economic benefits of migration
...with 'It's not just for the birds' campaign

Ford slashes 10,000 more jobs, 2 plants
...Related story: CEO's tires slashed

Ivory Coast residents riot over toxic dumping crisis
...instead of rioting miles away from toxic dumping crisis

Polar bears drown, islands appear in Arctic thaw
...and some episodes of 'Lost'

FX channel tries commercial to combat ad-skipping
...but most fast-forward their Tivos past it

Russians run migrants from town in race violence
...in bizarre twist on the expression 'running a race'


9/16/06
Muslim anger over papal comments grows
...Drug makers see huge market for antidepressants in Mid East

Hope surrounds new 26-year-old Pittsburgh mayor
...along with bevy of poli-sci coeds

Officials hunt for other E. coli sources
...as alibi for having their heads up their asses

Palestinian area churches attacked
...as the source of the problem

Atlantis crew allowed extra hour of sleep
...as they cross several time zones worth of jet lag

Spinach vanishes from U.S. groceries, menus
...in wake of Popeye the Sailorman steroid scandal

Bush digs in heels over detainee bill
...allowing heels to be dug into detainees

Madrid fashion show bans five thin models
...who collectively weigh less than Pam Anderson's breasts

Scientists try to explain mane-less lions
...but will likely be grounded for practical joke

Gotti laments mob's loss of manliness - prison tapes
...after hiring women as 'hitpersons' following discrimination suits


9/17/06
U.S. war prisons legal vacuum for 14,000
...Only the ACLU abhors a vacuum more than nature

Pope sorry for reaction to his remarks on Islam
...reads most carefully worded headline of the week

Researchers work to save rare songbird
...by releasing a tribute album of covers

Keith Ellison may be first Muslim in U.S. Congress
...as most are stopped by metal detectors

Bird flu pandemic could cost $2 trln: World Bank
...and that's hardly chicken feed


9/18/06
Study: Four short walks a day ease blood pressure
...except for thee pressure of scheduling them in

Iraq's al-Qaida vows war over Pope comments on Islam
...'Bring it on,' says Pope

Shark that walks on fins is discovered
...while sneaking up on sunbathers

Deal opens Warner Music video library to YouTube
...so users can legally upload what they do already

Bush says education is path to democracy
...citing the absence of either during his presidency

Study: U.S. biased against women in science
...but I think girls in glasses are cute

Tree rings can reveal hurricane record: study
...If you can see them, a storm knocked over the tree

Village elders order trial by boiling oil
...Verdict to be announced by smoke signals


9/19/06
Willie Nelson hit with drug charges
...but was medicated and didn't feel a thing

Spinach industry can follow Tylenol's example
...and be ridiculed by stand-up comics for next 20 years

Hobbit hopefuls audition for 'Ring' musical
...reads nerdiest headline ever reported

Bush appeals to Muslims in U.N. speech
...proving he only appeals to religious fundamentalists

Uganda extends deadline for rebels
...before he destroys Alderan

Bush urges U.N. to move quickly on Darfur
...or they'll get criticism like he did after Katrina

Calif. prosecutors offer plea deal to John Mark Karr
...Next, publishers offer book deal


9/20/06
Iran leader says U.S. abusing U.N. power
...Coincidentally, Iran leader abusing nuclear power

U.S. top destination for asylum-seekers
...and clearly the inmates are running the White House

Sean 'Diddy' Combs encourages kids to stay in school
...and to make a career of cheating off better songwriters

Astronauts inspect space shuttle for damage
...after having exceeded their deductible for the year

Pope expresses 'deep respect' for Islam
...Well, that's one of us

Saints sell out season tickets in Superdome
...for the polar opposite of a MENSA convention


9/21/06
Mexico is a haven for U.S. pedophile priests - group
...based on the tips the pool boys are getting there

Motorola unveils phone vending machines
...Wait, aren't these things called pay phones?

Virginia Sen. Allen's mother hid Jewish heritage
...in the attic behind the secret bookcase entrance

Human stem cells help blinded rats
...identify the farmer's wife who cut off their tails

Bumps on the road for U.S. ethanol vehicles
...when drivers siphon from tank with drinking straws

Congress approves $70B for Iraq, Afghan wars
...to be reimbursed by tax on ad time on news channels

Pan Am to pay ex-workers after 15 years
...because if airlines are good at anything, it's delays


9/22/06
Indonesian executions lead to violence
...if you put the cart before the horse

Abbas: Unity gov't will recognize Israel
...in a police line-up

Atlantis astronaut collapses during welcome ceremony
...as her body collects gravity with interest

Tom Petty gets key to his hometown
...so he doesn't have to live like a refugee

Terror interrogations deal grants Bush wide latitude
...which he'll overstep just the same

Burglars get severed heads shock
...whereas Islamic burglars get severed hands


9/23/06
Houston sees rift with Katrina evacuees
...which they would like to extend to city limits

Trees in desert forest water themselves
...just like old people when they sneeze or laugh

Winfrey set to debut satellite radio channel
...which isn't likely to draw any Stern listeners

Study: Women smoke after pregnancy to stop weight gain
...and probably to stop from shaking their babies

Number of TV viewers in U.S. hits record high - report
...thanks to widespread use of medical marijuana

Scientists report dinosaur find in Utah
...namely, polygamy

Storms sweep southern U.S. Midwest
...Actually, it's more like they power-wash

Bush reading program blasted in internal audit
...Suspicion aroused by proximity of words 'Bush' and 'reading'

Court says $32,000 is too much to fondle bosom
...given that they were only size 32-B


9/24/06
Citizens divided over keeping monarchy - Nepal poll
...In France, citizens divided monachy's head from body

'Che' Guevara's iconic image endures
...on the merchandise that fuels capitalism

Study: Youths may underreport concussion symptoms
...because they're too stunned to even recognize them

Clinton defends handling of bin Laden
...but would rather talking about handling Monica

WHouse: newspaper's account of Iraq report incomplete
...Newspapers: WHouse's justification for Iraq has similar problems


9/25/06
'Jackass Number Two' takes top spot at box office
...while Jackass #1 remains in the Oval Office

Pope: Relations between faiths necessary
...as altar boys have wised up and priest look elsewhere

Re-examination shows dinosaur species not cannibalistic
...Dinos now seeking representation for libel suit

U.S. to let air travelers carry some liquids
...instead of requiring them to drain bladders at checkpoint

U.S. to relax ban of liquids on planes
...after realizing frozen liquids comprise a loophole


9/26/06
U.S. to relax ban of liquids on planes
...but passengers are encouraged not to have gas

Sex assault case against midshipman dropped
...Divers hope to retrieve it before statute of limitations expires

Missouri museums offer stem cell exhibits
...Trend expected to grow to replace damaged exhibits

Da Vinci's Mona Lisa was a new mother, say experts
...who note the ambivalence in her expression

More E. coli infected spinach found
...as all it's good for is as toilet paper

Too much testosterone kills brain cells
...Fortunately they aren't required to get elected in CA


9/27/06
Surgeons complete first near-weightless surgery
...to give Nicole Richie a gastric bypass

Polygamist sect leader will stay jailed
...but will be granted 5x standard number of conjugal visits

'Girls Gone Wild' CEO pleads guilty to record-keeping laws
...Of course they're over over 21... they weren't drinking, weren't they?

Iran seen borrowing nuclear strategy from Israel
...but don't tell them that

Many Americans fed up with fad diets - survey
...Many Americans need diets *because* they're fed up!

Too much testosterone kills brain cells - study
...by prompting guys to engage in drinking contests

Big Oil moves ahead on human rights, slowly
...Apparently they need lubrication to get moving

Fear of offending Islam spurs hot debate in Europe
...Those offended by Islam, raise your bloody stumps


9/28/06
Stress during pregnancy linked to smaller babies
...Where's the control group of non-stressed pregnant women?

U.N. front-runner denies he's too weak
...After all, he stays in shape by running out front

2.6 billion lack basic sanitation - U.N. report
...citing the shit spewing from Fox News nightly

Next space shuttle launch could take place at night
...to avoid rushhour traffic

Study: Weight gain between pregnancies risky
...as it usually results in being shunned by the prospective father

Robert De Niro has role in NYC trans fat debate
...but will likely fry his agent for this one

Elvis Presley fan club revived in Tupelo, Miss.
...after an overdose of fried banana sandwiches

Iraq al-Qaida calls for kidnapping of Westerners
...after being denied the right to adopt


9/29/06
Two Colombians guilty of U.S. drug charges
...much fewer than most people would believe

Bronze bust of George Brett stolen in Missouri
...Silicone bust of Pam Anderson downloaded on web

Bush defends approach to war on terror
...Questions linger about 'fight terror with terror' approach

Colo. school gunman left note
...which English teachers gave a C-minus

Foley resigns from Congress over emails
...in order to dedicate more time to pursuing 16 year-old boys

Sudan balks at giving U.S. envoy a visa
...given his history of racking up debts

Mass. judge allows out-of-state gay couple to wed
...since the groom is eight and a half months pregnant

Touch a light switch, catch a cold, study finds
...as viruses are delivered from the power company

Madonna and Janet Jackson records topple Britney
...Actually, Britney felled by unchecked drive to procreate

Woodward: Card wanted to fire Rumsfeld
...from a cannon into Iraq

Scientists develop more powerful nuclear fuel
...that gets 10,000 years to the gallon

FDA lifts two-week-old ban on most fresh spinach
...in time for Popeye to beat Bluto and save Olive Oil

Al-Zawahri: Bush a liar in war on terror
...See, even fundamentalists don't believe him

EU overwhelmed as borders continue to expand
...as they absorb too much Turkey


9/30/06
Author Quinn writes new thriller in longhand
...about theives holding his typewriter for ransom

Far-right expected to lose power in Austria
...after  not being able to pay their electric bill

Chicago theater where Dillinger died reopens
...with much higher insurance premiums than 19???

Rush of Vioxx suits filed to beat deadline
...leading many plaintifs to overexert themselves

Software changes Armstrong's moon quote
...GWB looking to license tool for non-Fox appearances

Yahoo allows outsiders to innovate on Yahoo e-mail
...including new acronyms such as responding to LOL with STFU

Scalia begins third decade on Supreme Court
...by continuing to set us back at least that far

Laura Bush hosts National Book Festival
...Events include bonfire of banned books


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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