The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

8/1/06
Castro's condition unknown after surgery
...but he is unlikely to ever described as 'stable'

French agricultural 'vandalism' condemned
...by alien crop circle artists as thieves

Fighting rages in Lebanese border village
...could be helped with Prozac and anger management

Nixon considered nuclear weapons in Vietnam
...almost as good as breaking in at the Watergate

Authors urge Rowling not to kill Harry Potter
...bit they're in a distinct minority

More than half of elderly have trouble sleeping
...since their significant other snores so loudly

Deadly heatwave moves east across United States
...pursued by authorities

Mel Gibson seeks forgiveness for anti-Semitic rant
...'Crucify him!' say the Jews (I wash my hands of this punchline)

Scientists take step toward obesity vaccine
...but quietly so they don't wake the elephant

Gov. Romney announces Big Dig task force
...by Fisher Price for ages 3 to 7

Toyota passes Ford in U.S. vehicle sales
...and in left lanes everywhere

Hawaiian temples much older than thought
...upon discovery of crows feet extending past the hairline

Castro says he's stable after surgery
...thanks to antipsychotics in his I.V.

S. Africa plans to launch space agency
...while US seldom even launches a shuttle


8/2/06
Heat wave hits eastern half of nation
...West cost still considered 'cool,' however

Theme park calls off "Muslim Fun Day"
...[Punchline withheld on advice from Salman Rushdie]

Bees like it hot and seek warm colors in plants
...Basically, they're all queens

Heat, humidity combine to torture East
...after shortage of work in Mid East

Researchers create dementia 'risk score'
...as soundtrack to unreleased Hitchcock film

British school's drug-test program stirs debate
...about how students should best study for it


8/3/06
MLB academy brings sport to inner-city kids
...because that's exactly who you want bats in the hands of

Bombings halt rescue work in south Lebanon
...Ironically, that's what gave them the job in the first place

Hatred of Fidel Castro shaped South Florida
...not hurricanes or wetlands as once thought

Exiles weighing possible return to Cuba
...as indication how bad things have gotten here

NY set for 3rd day of record power demand
...produced by MySpacers checking for new bulletins by me

North Korean girls flee propaganda for pop
...Admittedly, this was a very short trip

Furtado single is biggest of '06 on US charts
...Accountants find no evidence of taste

Blood clots more elastic than rubber band
...and less dangerous than bungee jumping

AOL to slash payroll by 5,000 employees
...to cover cost of junkmailing millions of cds


8/4/06
Senate OKs sweeping pension legislation
...after agreeing it was covered with dust

Los Alamos develops underground radio
...as a refuge from Howard Stern

Heat wave tightens consumers' budgets
...whereas most things expand when heated

Cuba vows to defend itself against U.S.
...by hiking the prices on its cigars

GOP won't split minimum wage, estate tax bill
...never mind who's going to get the tip

Jailing of reporters send powerful signal
...'Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be reporters'

Gibson tirade tapes may not be released
...since the Jews control the media, of course

U.S., France near deal on Mideast resolution
...[I'm not sure where even to begin with this one]

Rice implores Cubans not to flee for Florida
...until Bush passes his 'guest worker' legislation thru

Rising gas prices cripple NYC taxi drivers
...who can't count that high in English

More travelers getting bumped off U.S. airlines
...so better pack a 'chute, okay?

MTV finds growing hunger for shows on the Web
...and how about some *music* on the TV, huh?

'My Sharona' singer has brain surgery
...Ah, the irony of having something stuck in *his* head


8/5/06
Beach for Muslim women planned in Italy
...as extreme counterpoint to nude beaches anywhere else

Chefs prepare for New Orleans cook-off
...With help from Katrina, the city is soup

White House: Talk of Cuban invasion 'absurd'
...Yeah, we'd never invade another country, would we?

Cleanup begins after Eskimo village fire
...Scientists unsure how ice managed to burn

Bush happy with draft U.N. resolution
...and crayons to color it with

Socially isolated Americans trying to connect
...but AOL's dial-up continues to be have busy signal

Common household chemical may harm lungs
...It's called water, and it doesn't belong in them

Milberg Weiss files fewer cases after indictment
...and may be filing cell bars to escape pretty soon

Republicans face working vacation to survive
...much like a good portion of the Democratic voter base


8/6/06
Michael Moore fest refuses to pull religious film
...until religion stops pulling our leg

Study names most dangerous U.S. cities
...Cities declare study a rat and vow revenge

Party reassures Cubans over Castro's health
...in spite of parties celebrating his impending death

Rabies shot urged for 950 Girl Scouts in Va.
...after Walmart customers bitten for not buying their cookies

U.S.: Mideast fighting unlikely to end soon
...given the pattern set over the last millenium or so


8/7/06
Tenn. governor pushes for 'Wal-Mart degrees'
...Low standards.  Always.

Survivors sought in Ethiopian flooding
...Wait, now they have too much water?

Universe might be bigger, older than expected
...say plastic surgery experts

Explicit lyrics prompt teens to have sex sooner
...Many don't even wait for the chorus

Madonna "crucified" in Rome, Vatican protests
...and wants her burned at the stake instead

Areas of power grid congestion identified
...by the melting rubber on the power lines


8/8/06
Inuit buy air conditioners as climate warms
...so it really isn't a snow job anymore

Actors battle for 'Sound of Music' lead role
...as casting agents try to solve problem like Maria

Gray birds cover 40,000 miles annually
...and thus are no longer under warranty

Doctors separate conjoined Utah twins
...to reduce the risk of polygamy

Comedian Dennis Miller to join Fox News
...as if they didn't get enough laughs already

Portable heart defibrillators prone to recalls
...as are those they're used upon, theologically speaking

Michael Jackson says conspirators out to ruin him
...No, say observers, that would be the plastic surgeons


8/9/06
Court rejects nuclear waste appeal in Nevada
...What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (for 10,000 years)

Safety concerns raised on defibrillators
...Shocking, say warning labels

Hundreds rally in Cuba to support Castro
...Wow.  Hundreds?

Mass. homeless sue over library policy
...that newspapers are for reading, not blankets

Alaska governor institutes hiring freeze
...[Pun submerged by melting icecaps]

Medicinal bark illegally stripped from trees
...that supposedly cure kleptomania

Survey: Online sexual solicitations down
...so maybe you need to post a more explicit avatar

Coast Guard to allow religious clothing
...based on evidence from Salem that only witches float


8/10/06
Mideast fight may grow without diplomacy
...just add gunpowder and religion

British police thwart aircraft bomb plot
...by not allowing Gigli to be shown in-flight

Tattoos go undercover with Iran's youth
...by hiding them behind layers of explosives

Bush says U.S. still at risk of attack
...adding, 'Ya'll watch me go stir up another hornet's nest'

Centenarians say faith source of longevity - survey
...They know where they're going, and aren't in any hurry

Contagious canine cancer spread by parasites
...Consonance craze cultivated in journalism classes

Airline bomb plot may have been 9/11 sequel
...funded by Oliver Stone's backers for 2011 release

Muslims slam Bush term "Islamic fascists"
...but probably wouldn't like what he refers to them as in private

Astronauts board shuttle for practice countdown
...something I've been able to do since I was three!


8/11/06
Exiles may return to post-Castro Cuba
...minus a 15% restocking fee

Taiwan launches 14th bid to join United Nations
...on advice from Susan Luci to stick with it

Rapper Kanye West reportedly engaged
...to a gold-digger, undoubtedly

Airlines face margin pressure
...causing oxygen masks to deploy

Congress fumes as BP nears decision
...Fumes may no longer have fuel

US airport security crawls
...beneath the radar

Court rules NY police can search bags at subways
...but bag ladies will consume most of their time

Investigators eye money trail in airliner plot
...Bush eyes trail of bread crumbs to Iraq

Government rests in ex-CIA worker's case
...which isn't very comfortable to be honest

Traditional video-rental stores on the decline
...thanks to years of smart alec behavior by Randal


8/12/06
Evangelicals remain quiet about Mideast crisis
...as cheering against both sides cancels itself out

Teen's worm sales stymied by Connecticut town
...Instead becomes hacker, gives away worms for free

Chaos, confusion follow China's massive typhoon
...meteorologists, too

Judge orders online sale of Unabomber goods
...but you probably don't want them shipped by mail

Tourists flock as warming Alps crumble
...Hundreds of tourists killed by crumbling Alps

Politician-in-bikini photos raise French eyebrows
...among other things, naturally

HIV drugs may help protect women
...but pepper spray is more effective

Pigeons with backpacks to collect air-quality information
...and hazing from less bookish-looking birds

Curbs on mercury only dent global threat - experts
...as global warming causes thermometers to burst


8/13/06
Terror suspects not guilty, wife says
...Ummm, I think that's up to the jury

Wal-Mart heir's plane had loose parts - report
...Hilton heiress' plain self had same - home video

First U.S. Mensa convention draws 2,000 members
...the rest couldn't figure out how to get there

Fed chief wants to improve communication
...by raising listeners' interest

Three major crises face Bush
...readin', writin', and rithmuhtic

Driver gets 70 speeding tickets in 5 months
...Wow.  That's fast.

Author attacked for belated SS confession
...Better never than late?

Alaska remains heavily dependent on oil
...to fry all the fish they catch


8/14/06
Threat to Britain-U.S. flights reduced
...whenever Courtney Love is in rehab

Pataki: GOP needs to get back to basics
...like pandering to the fundamentalists

Astronomers struggle to define 'planet'
...but can't read dictionary through a telescope

Bush says Israel defeated Hezbollah
...at at least that's what he heard on Fox News

Britain's terror threat level drops to 'severe'
...with scattered chance of hijackings

Kate Hudson and husband Chris Robinson split
...now that's she's done her Yoko on the Crowes

FBI: No terror groups in cell phone case
...when terror cells run out of minutes

Report: X-rays don't detect explosives
...but it will give them cancer

Boy George reports for NYC trash duty
...while George Michael picks up trash in restrooms


8/15/06
Deadline for hurricane claims in La. extended
...so you can get a 2-for-1 special during the next season

Coffee may trigger first heart attack in some
...when patrons realize how much they're paying for it

Terror charge dropped in cell phone case
...How did they fold it up that small?

NASA hunts for moon landing tapes
...before late fees exceed the national debt

U.S. home sales decline in 28 states, D.C.
...because everyone moved to the other 22 and a half

Mexico election protesters dig in but doubt victory
...though they hope to strike oil soon

US arrests 138 in heroin busts across country
...who will gradually become aware of their incarceration

Scientists urge deep-sea cure for climate change
...Specifically, send George W. there with lead weights

Dell recalls notebook batteries
...from customers who do not wish to be cremated


8/16/06
U.S. home building falls more than expected in July
...Measure to be renamed 'home collapsing'

Proposal would add three planets to solar system
...made of used old tires, refrigerators, and baby diapers

Gaza groups deny kidnapping Fox News journalists
...saying they have better taste than that

Iran says ready to discuss atomic suspension
...if world suspends disbelief

Possible key human evolution genes identified
...but conspicuously absent among Midwesterners

2,500-year-old figurines found in China
...Next week they'll be found on eBay

Fans sink fangs into "Snakes on a Plane"
...out of curiosity of the plot of cryptic titled film

Men rival women in poor body image, eating disorders
...Translation: we think you're too fat and shouldn't eat either


8/17/06
Lebanese deployment a 1st step in truce
...Sounds like a game of 'truce or dare'

Support fades for new high school graduation exam
...In other words, supporters dropped out

JonBenet Ramsey suspect researched case
...more than the Enquierer reporters speculating on it

Mel Gibson pleads no contest in DUI case
...and is sentenced to a pesticide shower

White House sees 'huge challenges' in Iraq
...such as Bush procliaming 'mission accomplished'

Admission by Ramsey suspect spurs questions
...about how much for the movie rights

Court rules secret wiretaps violate rights
...and probably even some lefts

Family faces eviction for loud night prayers
...after declining suggestion to take up snake handling


8/18/06
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock wed in Nashville
...reads this week's white trashiest headline

Princeton takes top spot in college rankings
...after its father pulled some strings

Spacecraft discovery suggests eruptions on Mars
...These occured nightly during planet's adolescence

Terror plot probe finds 'martyr videos' - report
...which bear resemblance to episodes of 'Jackass'

Bush: US deficit will be halved ahead of 2009 goal
...Note: Bush can even count to one half

Workers see image of Virgin Mary in chocolate
...Ummm, that brown stuff isn't chocolate


8/19/06
Lebanon gives warning after Israeli raid
...It's the one thing the Israelis didn't take

Sources say Marion Jones failed drug test
...Proving how little athletes put into studying

Study: Decorated needles calm patients
...Tattoo needles decorate those with patience

Ford seeks faster turnaround
...by decreasing the turning radius

Bush says Iraq and Lebanon fragile democracies
...unlike the US where it has already crumbled


8/20/06
Teens defend polygamy at Utah rally
...after being delivered by very short buses

Lieberman insists he is 'devoted' Democrat
...much like Clinton was a 'devoted' husband

Universities aim to avoid 'Freshman 15'
...after profs can't find skinny students to sleep with

Sen. Hagel says GOP has lost its way
...with women (with any self-respect)


8/21/06
JonBenet Ramsey suspect arrives in L.A.
...thus making sane people a minority in California

Rolling Stones get tour back on track
...and most of the band on the wagon

Bush: Quitting Iraq would be 'huge mistake'
...Correction: Quitting Iraq would be admitting 'huge mistake'

U.S. makes Cold War missile data secret again
...using new technology to rejuvenate secrets

Boston Marathon to start two hours earlier
...to accommodate those who won't finish before bedtime

Three AOL workers depart over privacy breach
...and AOL posts their credit card numbers online


8/22/06
U. of Texas-Austin earns best party school honors
...thereby giving students another excuse to celebrate

Acne drug raises fat levels: researchers
...Translation: You're taking your cousin to the prom

Elusive Russian refuses top math prize
...in a story where things don't add up

Constant light exposure may disrupt babies' bio-clocks
...Constant crying may deter likelihood of developing siblings

Ohio college troubled by plagiarism charges
...according to several uncited sources

Reports document response failures after Katrina
...Reports took even longer to respond than responses


8/23/06
Alaska governor loses bid for 2nd term
...proving not everything can be preserved on ice

Study finds even a few extra pounds is harmful
...and not 'padding' as one might think

Aspirin may ward off recurrent miscarriages
...and increase fertility among wives with chronic 'headaches'

Criticism of Tom Cruise stirs Hollywood debate
...about how badly he needs to see a psychiatrist

Help center opens for Hurricane Katrina evacuees
...a mere 11 months too late

Ancient biblical waterworks found in Israel
...Modern biblical waterworks found in Jimmy Swaggert

Suspected Colombian drug lord extradited to U.S.
...inside a condom inside an exploited woman's intestine

Terrell Owens reaggravates hamstring injury
...and most everyone else

1 in 10 teenage girls self-harm: study
...mostly famously by marrying K-Fed


8/24/06
Some who returned to New Orleans consider leaving
...after receeding waters look to return next month

Diplomats say Iran terms likely to be rejected
...Terms for Iran likely to be censored for decency

FDA approves sale of morning-after pill
...hundreds of mornings after it should have been

Austrian girl escapes eight years after kidnapping
...though technically she grew into it being 'teennapping'

Woman embezzles millions to feed lottery habit
...So she started with millions and...?  Huh?

Las Vegas to close 24-hour marriage office
...rather than offer refunds for defective products

Dam broken to restore California wetlands
...Related story: Superman breaks mountain to restore dam

Restaurant in India to drop 'Hitler' from name
...but defiantly keeps him on the VIP list

Countdown begins for Sunday's shuttle launch
...Obviously, they're not starting with '10'

AOL to offer movie downloads from four studios
...but they'll take longer than waiting in line at the theater

Hurricane-proof homes too costly, experts say
...especially when you factor in the cost of sails

Study: Killer whales settle disputes like humans
...hence the use of the word 'killer' in their name

Astronomers strip Pluto of its status as a planet
...ACLU lawyers would not comment on possibility of an appeal


8/25/06
Bank issues Bob Marley commemorative coins
...not to be used in parking meters because they be jammin'

Magazine names Milwaukee 'Drunkest City'
...Hopefully Milwaukians aren't angry drunks

Thai leader accused of fabricating assassination plot
...Oliver Stone nominated for Best Screenplay for same

New Orleans lacks affordable housing
...thanks to laws of water supply and demand

U.S. diplomat faces visa bribe charge
...plus 16% interest

Taller people may be smarter - study
...or maybe can just see the board over classmates


8/26/06
Europe offers 'backbone' of peacekeepers
...for making soup, but they're keeping the drumsticks

Israel seeks troops from Muslim nations
...to be used as minefield sweepers

Violent video-games ban in Louisiana blocked
...by armed car jackers

NASA clears space shuttle for launch
...but expects resistance from gravity

After Katrina, black family warily adjusts to Utah
...No word yet on how Utah is adjusting

Children likely to adopt parents' bad habits - study
...For example, procreating


8/27/06
Scientists erase memories in rat brains
...Vatican funding clinical trials on altar boys

Kidnapped Fox News journalists freed
...by fair and balanced terrorists

Bush declares state of emergency in Fla.
...only two elections too late

ATP makes changes to increase fan base
...such as speeding up the Krebs cycle

Jackie Mason sues Jews for Jesus over pamphlet
...while they countersue him over New Testament

Warsaw mermaid has chest covered for Miss World
...as judges have seen enough fake ones already


8/28/06
Volunteers seek to reach Texas dropouts
...but can't be understood over drive-thru intercom

Ernesto hits Cuba, on track for Florida
...but likely to be turned back by the Coast Guard

Annan says Lebanon faces 'critical time'
...Lebanon says enough with the criticism already

Poll: Public doubts nation ready for another disaster
...because they're too busy answering pollsters' questions

FDA weighs drug to stop premature birth
...but it came in at less than five pounds

Emmy plane crash skit called insensitive
...by those in uptight and locked positions

Finn takes gold at mobile phone throwing contest
...after 4 hours on hold with SBC customer 'service'


8/29/06
New Orleans marks one year after Katrina
...on its moldy, waterlogged calendars

Bush remembers Katrina victims
...but not how to tie him own shoes

Prosecutor defends choice to pursue Karr
...as attempt to boost tabloid sales

Spaniards ready for tomato-throwing free for all
...when Celine Dion performs there in concert tonight

Ahmadinejad challenges Bush to debate
...on how he spells his name

Bank to woo customers with ATM roulette game
...as if the fear of robbery at one wasn't gamble enough

U.S. promises farmers $800M in drought aid
...to squander on bottled water

Casino reopens on Katrina anniversary
...to take bets on how deep they'll be submerged


8/30/06
Lebanon refuses contact with Israel
...except through ballistic intermediaries

India Hindu, Muslim groups tussle over national song
...now referred to as a fight song

GDP growth increases slightly in spring
...which is traditionally the time for growth

Chappelle says he's glad he left TV show
...overworked censors concur

Arrest many not weaken polygamist's power
...but he's about experience polyandry of a sort

Starbucks sales eyed for spending trends
...among the covetted caffeine addict demographic

NASA to name builder of next-generation spaceship
...but we already know the pilot will be Jean Luc Picard

Hurricane John menaces Mexican resorts
...almost as much as Tara Reid


8/31/06
LCD TV makers expect big price cut in 2007
...since there's nothing worth watching this season

Norwegian police recover Munch's 'The Scream'
...after theives' neighbors complained about the noise

Female space tourist's flight delayed by four days
...most of which time she'll be continuing to pack

Exercise after eating may be antidote for high-fat meal
...Alternatively, just visit the salad bar instead

Ohio delays destroying ballots from 2004 election
...in hopes a time machine will be invented soon

Generations later, U.S. destroys its mustard gas
...upon developing more deadly top-secret ketchup gas

Iran seen having problems with nuclear program
...namely, the rest of the civilized world

Symbolic transfer underway in Lebanon
...and all over the internet

Ernesto comes ashore on Carolina coast
...before being deported to Cuba by Coast Guard


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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