The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

7/1/06
Mexico election hinges on class divisions
...Passing 3rd grade hinges on long division

New Jersey partly shut down, casinos may follow
...as end of 'Sopranos' series approaches

Canada, US finalize softwood lumber deal
...[Insert obvious Viagra punchline here]

Jennifer Lopez thwarts tell-all book, for now
...Three guess what she used to block it with

U.N. General Assembly lifts spending cap
...when a lovely lady passes by


7/2/06
Katrina shocks New Orleans visitors 10 months on
...by getting a job as a Bourbon St. stripper

Holocaust survivors at higher cancer risk
...[reads most impossible headline to find punchline for]

Israel tells army 'do all it can' to free soldier
...who was promised he could 'be all he could be'

Mexicans vote after mudslinging campaigns
...but now the ballots are too smuged to read

Northeast flood victims begin cleaning up
...according to unsympathetic insurance reps

Saddam's wife, daughter on 'most-wanted' list
...because 'they're hottt,' says CIA analyst Paris Hilton

Bikini celebrates 60th birthday
...but, seriously, you're too old for that

Expatriate Mexicans pour over border to vote
...'Quick, lock it behind them,' says Ann Coulter

Democrats urge broader view of Bush war powers
...Any broader and they'd block access to lawyers

Superman flexes muscle at front of box office
...Ticket sellers tell him he's holding up the line

Movie critic Ebert has emergency surgery
...to remove his thumb from his ass

Web video explains how to make geysers
...Note: Porn videos do much the same

Survey: Money does not buy much happiness
...as happiness brokers deal mainly in stocks these days

Polls show Mexican race too close to call
...names like 'wetback' without getting punched


7/3/06
Data: Fireworks injuries on the rise
...Yeah, no one gets injured on their decent

Airline passengers in France face new tax
...Bad news for tourists: It's on deodorant

Californian readies for hot dog eating contest
...[Punchline withheld pending hearing on obscenity charges]

Climate change brings new farming options
...such as turning New Orleans into a giant rice patty

Anesthesiologists told not to aid executions
...even though they couldn't be sued if patient died

Low water in Great Lakes causes worry
...that they'll have to call them Great Ponds

'Zoning out' while reading may impact learning
...but good luck trying to finish reading this article

Obese people more depressed than jolly
...reads headline than make my belly shake


7/4/06
'Porn ministry' reaches out to adult film stars
...who probably have been reached out to enough already

Doctors: Comatose man's brain rewires
...homes at a fraction of the cost of professionals

Most Americans can't sing anthem
...or much else on 'American Idol'

Iran again says no reply until mid-August
...but isn't that a reply in and of itself?

Washington dries out for July 4th crowds
...except for Ted Kennedy, of course

Mayor Nagin says New Orleans is recovering
...its reputation as a leading producer of murders

High Tylenol doses linked to liver woes
..so just drink your hangover away, okay?

Hurricane Katrina spawns cottage industry
...or rather, the FEMA trailer industry

Grand Canyon tourists return, fire still burns
...reads shortest ever Neil Young song


7/5/06
North Korea draws world's scorn for tests
...in artistic ability

Fla. coral battered by hurricanes, disease
...and then fried up extra crispy

Enron founder Kenneth Lay dies at 64
...Shares of Evil drop 66% at market close

Discovery astronauts start inspections
...to renew sticker on shuttle's windshield

New drug useful for smoking cessation
...works just like cyanide

Keith Richards to be in third 'Pirates' movie
...posthumously, like most of his career so far

Afghans burn more than 40 tons of drugs
...very nearly Rick James' record set in 1979

Atlantic City gamblers shut out by politics
...and the law of averages

Shuttle astronauts begin first full day in orbit
...vomiting


7/6/06
Microscopic flag a test in nanotechnology
...and a declaration of war by the Grey Goo

N.Y. top court rules against gay marriage
...for fear of invasion by gay divorce lawyers

Iraqi PM wants to examine GIs' immunity
...and requests T-cell counts from all involved

Bullied kids have more behavioral problems
...according to the Blame the Victim Society

Six-hour tennis match sets Grand Slam record
...for largest case of temporary narcolepsy ever induced

Studies suggest blood test possible for mad cow
...if someone can ride it for 8 secs witout breaking the needle

Pamplona revelers mark running of the bulls
... where bulls frequently mark revelers for life

N. Korea threatens to fire more missiles
...Missle union fights to keep members from being fired


7/7/06
Woman who named Pluto honored in mission
...Namer of Goofy it be honored as well

Coke case suspect ordered released on bond
...from those plastic rings

New Orleans housing unwelcoming to some
...who don't have gills

Airbus could delay launch of A350 jet
...Too bad for those with connecting flights

Japanese beetle ravages fruit in U.S. Midwest
...where fruits are routinely taunted by homophobes

Sex in late pregnancy won't bring on labor
... but it's a labor to have sex with her by then

Newfound reptile swam in dinosaur era
...despite posting of 'No Swimming' signs

Salvador Dali museum plans for new home
...after the original melted into an alternate dimension

Obesity, smoking raises impotence risk
...and lowers pregnancy risk, note optimists


7/8/06
Women's Wimbledon final a test of nerves
...for women whose soap operas are interrupted

Bush asks Senate to raise science spending
...to replace textbooks featuring evolution

Pope stresses family values in Spain
...by refusing to marry or have kids

Spacewalking astronauts out on a limb
...trying to retrieve Shirley MacLaine

False beliefs affect treatment of prostate cancer
...and anything else contracted by Christian Scientists

Illegal immigrant captures in Arizona down
...after tunneling immigrants make wrong turn at Albuquerque

Plaintiffs in tobacco lawsuit still angry
...Smoke coming from their ears is no trick


7/9/06
Astronauts may inspect space shuttle tiles
...but they're not going to regrout them themselves

'Pirates' takes in record $132M at box office
...but they're being pursued by the English navy

Quitting smoking may cause 21-pound gain
...but at least in won't be in the form of a tumor

La. garden yields cucumber-melon hybrid
...to be featured on shemales.com

Tehran bans senior U.N. inspector from Iran: diplomat
...which is going to make that one hell of a commute

Eisai launches snail venom pain drug in Britain
...but it acts verrrrry sloooooowwwwly


7/10/06
Three-story building collapses in NYC
...after being told it was to be bought by Trump

N.J. government workers back on the job
...or the take, you know

Keith Richards says he's ready to tour
...as soon as his body is exhumed

Senate to hear detainee issue after recess
...but plans to beat them up after gym class

Online wagering under attack in Congress
...How much you wanna bet a bribe finishes this?

Astronauts fix space station rail cart
...after it was derailed in collision with Amtrack

UK Muslim leaders say anger at Iraq war undimmed
...Rest of world think Muslim leaders are pretty damned dim

Rollerblader hitches 50 mph ride
...and now has 50 miles of stitches


7/11/06
Rumsfeld says Taliban will be defeated
...again?

U.S. will give detainees Geneva rights
...though it's torture for the political right

Texas school district bans mouth 'grillz'
...for confusing the metal detectors

House GOP tries to shrug off setbacks
...and wetbacks

Preventing gum disease would save teeth and money
...but would put the Tooth Fairy out of work

Calif. police dogs to get bulletproof gear
...in response to criminals getting canine-proof gear

U.S. will give detainees Geneva rights
...then a left hook, then a mean upper cut


7/12/06
Bush toning down criticism of Russia's Putin
...since Vladimir speaks gooder English than him does

Aerospace engineer eyes land-water vehicle
...in case Billy Joel visits his beach home

Iraq PM wants to revisit troop immunity issue
...saying he wants to give it another (booster) shot

Shakespeare First Folio expected to fetch $6M
...from Hollywood moguls for the movie rights

Frustrated world powers send Iran to U.N.
...without supper

Geneva policy won't halt US interrogations
...and more than habeas corpus halted Bush

Farinelli rises from grave to reveal castrati secrets
...Of course, not much else probably rose on him

Surviving New York Dolls return, hope for profit
...with which to buy more gaudy thrift shop costumes


7/13/06
Man eyes free-fall from 25 miles above Earth
...Dr. Kevorkian to pilot the plane carrying him

Bush, Merkel call for restraint in Mideast
...and place order for millions of straightjackets

Wildfire spreading in Southern California
...Next the East Coast will pick up on the trend

Turkey inaugurates Caspian oil pipeline
...to help supply the Greece in which to fry it?

Mom has quadruplets three years after triplets
...It's hard to believe she even had sex again

One in eight babies born premature - report
...Many babies born to premature teenage mothers

States to sue chipmakers
...to make low-salt versions

Desert, forest fires may merge in So. Calif.
...Stocks for both jump 7% on news of merger

Intel to slash 1,000 management jobs
...and replace them with MS Office (Manager)

Newspaper publishers post mixed results
...Paper-trained dogs post same

Calif. forest fire leads to state of emergency
...or as it's better known: Nevada

Most think white lies are a necessary evil
...of having an affair with your secretary

Republicans slam Democrats over Iraq video
...on their cheesy editing and dated dance moves


7/14/06
Former CIA officer sues Cheney over leak
...after he failed to wipe it up

Photo in California could be world's largest
...until Texas attempt self-portrait of state's collective ego

Coors confirms he was cited in May for DUI
...not that he remembers after that bender he was on

Humidity raises heart attack risk in elderly
...much like Madonna did in the early to mid-'80s

Most Americans plan to vote for Democrats
...if they can put down the bong long enough

Scientists develop chocolate that won't melt
...just to ruin M&M's ad execs' day

Australian sex workers complain of Asian competition
...and threaten to throw the shrimps on the barbie

McAfee apologizes for not publicizing fix
...MS apologizes for giving McAfee an industry to fix

Romney takes control of 'Big Dig' probe
...reads week's most obscene headline


7/15/06
Running of bulls concludes in Spain
...as do several fools who weren't fast enough

Scuba diving not seen to impair lung function
...No, that would be called 'drowning'

Spitting lands policeman in hot water
...and his target in 98.6 degree water
 

Desire controls what we see, study finds
...Note: Study consisted of dejected wives

Internet floats Lay conspiracy theories
...thereby embezzling readers from actual news sites

Relationship between Russia and U.S. souring
...to just the right flavor for a little vodka


7/16/06
G-8 leaders struggle to prevent wider war
...by putting war on the South Beach diet

Wildlife shares NASA launch site
...and barbeques them during every launch

YouTube serves up 100 mln videos a day
...but I've only seen 90 million this morning

Avril Lavigne wed in California: report
...Place your bets on how many months till the divorce


7/17/06
Cuba vows communist succession after Castro
...If they can find a dictator for sale somewhere

British 'geek' wants to buy Moon plot with 1m-pound gameshow jackpot
...Story rights being sought by Terry Gilliam

Couric's CBS move is still a hot topic
...so she'll have to report on herself nightly

Despite surging fuel costs, Americans keep on trucking
...Worse yet, they keep on SUVing

Impotent Arab govts say peace process dead, seek help
...by asking doctors to prescribe them Viagra

NASA clears Discovery's left wing for landing, rest of shuttle to follow
...Um, this doesn't sound like a safe trajectory

No quick fix for government data security
...not security from the government spying on you

Sumo suspended for slapping photographers
...based on evidence from wide-angle lenses


7/18/06
Australians upset over loud Manilow music
...Surgeon General warns it isn't safe at any volume

Intel to debut long-delayed new chip
...that hopefully will reduce delays by the operating system

Famous canine mascot enlivens Boston hotel
...with comments like, 'What's that smell?'

Greenland may be latest hotbed for oil drilling
...Reality check: Greenland is anything but hot

U.S. Open tennis series starts instant replay
...as if it wasn't boring enough the first time

Amsterdam clinic offers gamers path back to reality
...by weening them from Xbox to Dungeons & Dragons

Oprah Winfrey says she is not gay
...like all of her male viewers

Governor: Big trouble with Big Dig bolts
...being installed by big, big dolts


7/19/06
Heat wave broils much of the nation
...which is much healthier than frying it

Some EU nations offering benefits for births
...Mississippi offers a trailer and an absentee father

House OKs polar bear protection treaty
...We won't nuke them if they don't maul us

Armstrong may get chilly reception in France
...which would be good if he's overheated from biking there

Group insists it carried out India attacks
...ensuring no defense team will want their case

Researchers to study Kodiak bear diet
...Researchers likely to become part of bear diet

Tropical depression forms off N.C. coast
...but pilots are seeding the clouds with Prozac

Camps teach kids to be acrobats, rockers
...with coaching from spandex-enthusiast David Lee Roth

Gonzales: Bush blocked eavesdropping probe
...so it wouldn't puncture anyone's eardrum

House rejects gay marriage ban amendment
...to have something in reserve to distract from the war

Engineers test earthquake-proof houses
...by inviting Starr Jones to visit

Neil Smith reportedly out as Islanders GM
...In other words, you might say he's a castaway

Senate approves embryonic stem cell bill
...to keep American science behind the rest of the world

Meth still No. 1 drug problem, survey finds
...Mountain Dew stock up 15% upon news

Mindy McCready takes stand in DUI trial
...but can't touch her nose in that position

Shyamalan takes leap of faith for latest movie
...in believing I'll buy another ticket after 'Signs'

Lopez Obrador warns of unrest in Mexico
...right after everyone takes a siesta


7/20/06
Studios unveil movie ratings over e-mail
...and in annoying screens on dvds in your player

Cruise ship mishap injures dozens
...Cruise dogma brainwashes dozens more

Veto expected today on stem cell bill
...Scientists to be burned at stake next week

Fed chief: Economy may moderate inflation
...Translation: Many too poor to afford Viagra

Tropical storm expected to remain offshore
...until it finishes gambling, then it will arrive penniless

Hezbollah rockets strike near holy sites
...reducing them to holey sites

Beaches sicken 1.5M in California - study
...Largely due to nude appearances by Kirstie Alley

Ethiopia prepared to invade Somalia
...so they can move to and even less desirable neighborhood

U.S. to scale back mad cow surveillance
...after being exonerated in terror probe

55M women in China are illiterate - group
...which explains why they never answered my personal ad

Runaway circus kangaroo on the loose in Ireland
...begins latest childrens bestseller to be adapted by Disney

Toyota plans hybrid that runs on batteries
...unlike most cars that run on wheels

Autopsy of Lay shows severe artery blockage
...on the path to where his heart was supposed to be


7/21/06
Camera now tracks brown bears in Alaska
...due to shortage of human reality tv contestants

USDA scales back mad-cow testing
...so as not to upset any bulls in the process

Murders down, arrests up in New Orleans
...storm surge to follow

Report finds drug errors hurt 1.5 million in U.S.
...though some unhurt by receiving pain relievers

Scientists launch Neanderthal genome project
...to expand the NFL

White House talking on Guantanamo trials
...after being tortured on the subject by the press

Spanish firm claims it can make oil from plankton
...Investors find oil is actually made from snakes

Microsoft warns about a PowerPoint virus
...that causes people to use it

Hudson wins libel claim over "skinny" photo
...so she can afford a healthy lunch

Antibiotics not advised for treating runny nose
...especially not by snorting them

Comic-Con draws superheroes, sci-fi fans
...and sex researchers trying to understand virginity


7/22/06
Scientists skeptical of banking baby teeth
...as method of attracting the tooth fairy

Two deny fatal blows in Xbox slayings
...contrary to usual pattern of claiming frags

Rain, wind add to St. Louis' power woes
...while green energy companies see same as a boon

Jakarta editor could face trial over prophet cartoons
...Who would have predicted that?

James Bond sequel planned for Fleming centenary
...Plot involves him beating a dead horse

College Democrats say party is misunderstood
...when attendees show up wearing togas


7/23/06
FDA warns lunch box makers about lead
...but they're kind of slooooow in geting the message

Storms give Europe temporary relief from heat
...except for where the lightning struck, of course

Zippo fans gather for international swap meet
...Groucho fans just watch the dvds

Warmer waters disrupt Pacific food chain
...as now they'll have to make soup

Dems recommend election calendar changes
...as John Kerry in a swimsuit is not likely to sell

More U.S. physicians using digital records
...due to popularity of digital record stimulation

Europe loves Hasselhoff's singing talents
...[Punchline untranslatable from original German]


7/24/06
Many in hurricane-risk areas wouldn't evacuate
...for fear off losing out on a Darwin Award

Thousands march in protest against Israeli attacks
...in order to make themselves easier targets?

Sex is on everyone's mind at swinging convention
...Few realize they're always at a swinging convention

Vegas flight passengers, crew quarantined
...so whatever they contracted 'stays in Vegas'

Saudis ask Bush to intervene in Mideast
...as opposed to his usually interfering in the Mideast


7/25/06
Maliki insists Iraq will not slide into civil war
...as war will contrinue to be quite uncivil

Long-awaited sunscreen approved for sale
...now that you have blisters waiting for it

AMD to buy graphics chipmaker ATI for $5.4B
...which will be processed at $1.5 a second

Study finds stress worsens ovarian cancer
...How did they find a control group for this?

Lebanese hospital struggles with wounded
...who aren't wounded so badly they can't struggle

Israeli forces push deeper into Lebanon
...reads grossest headline of the week

Evacuees say Lebanon running out of food
...since belly dancers keep customers ordering more

Marines using MySpace as recruiting tool
...Pedophiles continue to do much the same


7/26/06
Closures of schools for disabled causes worry
...about repainting all the spaces in the parking lot

Mideast fighting threatens Iran diplomacy
...Redundancy threatens oxymoron

Buddhism revives in Mongolia's grasslands
...or maybe it's just been reincarnated there

Israel targets Hezbollah, bombs Beirut
...You would have to be bombed to live there

Pesticide damages robins' brains - study
...and makes them wear stupid costumes to fight crime

Homeless tent camps draw ire in Paris
...same as they have for since the Gypsies

Critics cite lack of oversight on Big Dig
...since no one can see underground

Earthquake rumors rattle Indonesian capital
...Bad puns rattle newspaper subscribers

Researchers discover new genus of cricket
...The British, of course, are absolutely thrilled

Google offers live traffic maps on cell phones
...because phones go so well with defensive driving

More Americans too fat for X-rays, scans
...not that you can easily find the bone to set it

Cross-dressing lawyer skirts dress code
...and shows off his (legal) briefs


7/27/06
U.N. says 250,000 child soldiers fighting
...and motions to send them to their rooms

Many Americans stuck in southern Lebanon
...and only a skilled proctologist can remove them

Lance Bass of 'N Sync reveals he's gay
...in case you're completely gaydar-deficient

U.S. economy shows signs of slower growth
...following radiation and chemotherapy

Research investigates electricity in wound healing
...of families of the victims of those on death row

"Overheated" Lohan taken to hospital
...Overexposed Lohan headed for bargain bin

GOP candidate says criticism was a joke
...Critics say GOP candidates are the same


7/27/06
Iraq struggles to keep up flow of oil
...if they can find something to lubricate it with

Ancient statue looted in Iraq is returned
...where it's sure to be destroyed by the Taliban

Microsoft sees no reason for Vista shipment delay
...Maybe things would go faster with more RAM

Bush signs Voting Rights Act extension
...which , incidentally, was passed veto-proof

Calif. coroners overwhelmed by heat deaths
...Actually, it's mainly the smell


7/28/06
Landis says his high testosterone is natural
...consequence of being around arrogant French bikers

Shiite politician wants bigger Iraqi role
...than as terrorists in American movies

Mexican electoral judges face hard test
...Namely, counting votes that weren't bought

Mel Gibson arrested for DUI in Malibu
...His alcohol to blood of Christ was 666 times over the limit

Indonesia volcano spews lava
...after overdoing it at a lava drinking contest

Space probe spots foggy lakes on Saturn's moon
...and shirks work for an afternoon of fishing

US Senate panel backs FDA moves on breast implants
...Those moves being slow and circular, of course

Hezbollah politicians back peace package
...with a return address from the Unabomber


7/29/06
ACLU targets ban on feeding of homeless
...as even pigeons must show proof of residency

Fighting shows cracks in Darfur peace deal
...Actually, peace deal now riddled with bullet holes

Israel won't ask Hizbollah to disarm
...they'll just perform an amputation

Rove says US voters inattentive but not stupid
...and hopes they don't notice stupid leaks

Microsoft fails to quash Vista fears
...to way it has its challengers to its monopoly

North Korea cancels propaganda performance
...in favor of staying home to watch the O'Reilly Factor

Higher airline fares may not drop soon
...unless they encounter turbulence from customers


7/30/06
Lieberman struggling in tough campaign
...Bush struggling in high school social studies

Eye transmits to brain at Ethernet speed
...as fast as broadband porn can be delivered

Bicycle, oil deals cement Chavez ties to Iran
...Obviously, the bikes are 'Plan B'

Somalia has first commercial flight in years
...Only one-way tickets were sold... all outbound

Friend: Wash. shooting suspect was troubled
...Ademittedly, this describes most shooting suspects

Politics slow Asia tsunami alarm system
...and ironically reduce voter base

U.K., U.S. give 'one final effort' on trade talks
...in exchange for what?

Paper: Mo. execution doctor has troubled past
...but nothing compared to his 'patients'

Ants store extra fat for lean times - study
...Good thing they can lift ten times their weight

MTV marks 25 years on the air
...despite provisions of the Clean Air Act


7/31/06
D.C. moves up juvenile curfew to 10 p.m.
...so Senators can get interns into bed earlier

Chili Peppers, Shakira lead MTV nominations
...but still can't seem to afford clothes in their size

Scientist thinks invisibility possible in future
...Note: You can't see the future (so it's invisible)

Key Democrats call for Iraq withdrawal
...and most historians second the motion

Museum uses bible to tell Earth's history
...and tea leaves to tell Earth's future

Police defend handling of Mel Gibson arrest
...based on tip obtained for 30 pieces of silver

FDA may loosen "morning-after pill" sales
...in hopes sales will loosen reproductively viable women

Forecaster WSI sees fewer Atlantic hurricanes
...since the Doppler radar was knocked out last year

Drive-in movies making muted comeback
...so they're mainly popular with the deaf community


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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