The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

6/1/06
Bush admin. wants to cut meth use 15 pct.
...Intelligent people want to cut meth use 100 pct.

Rwandan president scoffs at 'Hotel Rwanda'
...but notes the trailers make every film look better

Sniper Muhammad gets six life terms in Md.
...He's lucky.  Most people only get one life

U.S. seen lagging on stem cell research
...thanks to president who lags in special ed classes

London airport reopens after WWII bomb found
...Bomb squad's 60+ year response time questioned

Army Corps says levees disjointed, outdated
...Democrats say same of current administration

Dog handler convicted of Abu Ghraib abuse
..and sentenced to be hit with rolled-up newspaper

We are not entirely human, germ gene experts argue
...but Soylent Green is, warns Charlton Heston

Yahoo makes Web video search more like TV channels
...'What's a TV,' ask users


6/2/06
Giant crater tied to worst mass extinction ever
...but gets off with representation from Robert Blake's lawyer

Soldier gives Purple Heart to CBS reporter
...for years of having to put up with Dan Rather

Marketers bank on '666' in product pitches
...in exchange for their immortal souls

New Orleans homeowners race to fix roofs
...Reality check: Roofs have been missing for nine months!

Hospitals prepare for more obese patients
...by ordering extra-wide stretchers


6/3/06
Bush welcomes Steelers to White House
...Stealer has been in White House for years, says Gore

YouTube upgrade turns one-hit wonders into stars
...much like Mtv and VH1 have been doing for decades

Iran urged to respond quickly to offer
...Operators are standing by

More travel firms offer hurricane 'guarantees'
...They guarantee you'll be hit by one

Ethanol dazzles Wall Street, White House
...[Punchline too obvious thanks to punchdrunk president]


6/4/06
Palestinian PM rejects referendum call
...thinking it's from a telemarkter

Rice warns Iran against a slow response
...noting what she did after Katrina last year

Gore says don't count on '08 presidential run
...unless the glaciers freeze back over

Thailand celebrates king's 60 years on throne
...by finally giving him a laxative

Presidential runoff could shift Peru left
...much like continental drift has done for millenia


6/5/06
Java quake survivors struggle to rebuild future
...and switch to decaffinated Java for less quaking

China uses anti-cheating measures for exams
...since they can't tell where they're looking either*
*(Yeah, I'm so going to hell!)

Town of Hell, Mich., prepares for 666 party
...BYOB = Bring your own brimstone

Senate puts spotlight on gay marriage ban
...and it breaks out in showtunes

Canadian terror probe expands to 7 nations
...when yeast is added

GOP uses gay marriage ban to woo its base
...instead of the usual interstate reststop bathrooms

New Orleans finally resumes criminal jury trials
...but criminals have nine months lead on them

Mia Farrow returns to horror in "Omen" remake
...after previous forray in bed with Woody Allen

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God
...God recalled from market as lioness deterant


6/6/06
Iran sees some positives to nuclear proposal
...they'll come flying in the form of alpha particles

BBC debuts U.S. cable news channel
...formerly known as PBS

Canada to unveil details of alleged terrorist ring
...such as what carat stone they put in it

U.S. to provide Iran with nuclear technology
...to be delivered by air via ICBM

Doctors remove third arm from Chinese baby
...as part of treaty with US for disarmament

Senate not likely to pass gay marriage ban
...without relaxing their sphincters with amyl nitrate


6/7/06
Wealthy Americans optimistic about market
...since they can afford just about anything in it

Secret CIA flights stopped in two countries
...as far as anyone knows.  They're secret, remember?

U.S. trying to plug holes in border with Canada
...by bringing in the Dutch boy and his magic finger

Calif. treasurer to face Schwarzenegger
...'Predator 3,' it's not

Spending on high-cost specialty drugs soars
...thanks to upcoming tour by re-formed Gun 'n' Roses

Bush says immigrants must learn English
...and speak it as good or gooder than him does

Senator vows to press on with asbestos bill
...but critics say he should wear a respirator

Hotel offers BlackBerry detox
...Wineries offer fermented blackberries

Zeppelin seeks hidden diamond stashes in Kalahari
...while explains why they haven't put out any albums lately

Congress sends Bush bill hiking indecency fines
...Under the bill, he'll have to change his name

Boston Macy's removes gay pride display
...as redundant


6/8/06
Iraqi parliament swears in new ministers
...'No swearing,' say critics and blow stuff up

Ahmadinejad: Iran ready for nuclear talks
...and are long overdue for the sex talk

GOP still plans to make issue of gay marriage
...just like the issue of evolution, 150 years too late

U.S. jobless claims fall more than expected
...so they are being given a sobriety test

Calif. bill would require animal evacuations
...Disasters frequently result in bladder evacutations

D'backs release Grimsley after steroid search
...showed that needles bent upon contact with his buttocks

Shrinking Dead Sea faces fight to survive
...Wait.  What?

Somalia warlords advance toward Mogadishu
...Correction: Somalia warlords haven't ever advanced

Mexico Catholics fear church influencing voters
...and altar boys' sphincters

Definition of 'planet' expected in September
...unless somebody gets a dictionary before then

Detox clinic opening for video game addicts
...Home version coming soon for PSP, Xbox, and N64

Bush: Zarqawi death may turn tide in Iraq
...Scientists explain that, no, the moon does that

Monkey trial may show possible way to AIDS vaccine
...Monkey trial showed fear of evolution among the ignorant


6/9/06
Manhunt over, U.S. seeks stability in Iraq
...which is hidden somewhere with the WMD stockpile

Iraq war, hurricane aid agreement reached
...Both were expensive, unnecessary, and wasteful

Elders losing war with extremists in Pakistan
...Teens are the same all over the world, it seems

U.S. chicken farmers to try trees to cut odor
...To be hung from world's largest rear-view mirror

Michigan hackers accused of changing grades
...as though they deserved that 'F' in computer science

Ten shelter cats vie for prize on 'reality show'
...called 'Survivor: Burlap sack and a brick edition'

Political support for farm subsidies waning
...as few Willie Nelson fans are running for office

Satellite gives first glimpses inside clouds
...from the window of a 747

China's Yellow River estuary 'cleanest in years'
...but you don't want to drink the yellow water


6/10/06
New human bone made of seaweed, shells
...on last week's episode of 'Iron Chef'

Tobacco giants test smoke-free products
...Oncologists expect upward surge in business

Iran may send own atomic incentives package
...strapped under trenchcoats on suicidal fundamentalists

Yiddish devotees fight to save language
...by writing for New York-based sitcoms

Rhode Island requires that cats be fixed
...Cat-haters want the right to break them first

Supreme Court justices report road trips
...that are exactly the opposite of Tom Green movies

UN scheme to cut greenhouse gases
...by eliminating Mexican food from world's diet

Howard Stern finds "rebirth" on satellite radio
...Many regard him as the "afterbirth of all media"

Exercise may help menopause symptoms
...by confusing women why they're overheated


6/11/06
Ohio governor's race bucks usual ideas
...Observers say race is bucked up

Alberto becomes first named storm of season
...named after Cubans who follow same path to Florida

General sees slow reduction of US forces in Iraq
...based on sign in front of W. House: "Slow President at Play"

Famed Microsoft blogger Scoble leaves for start-up
...which will be bought by MS in 6 to 12 months anyway

Tree-sitter 'Butterfly' descends after 19 days
...after emerging from her cocoon

Art Deco auction in France breaks records
...fortunately the records were insured against breakage

Greek olive oil industry makes marketing push
...with very little friction, naturally


6/12/06
Wyoming antelope sent to revive Mexico herds
...as that breed is known for their skill with CPR

Latest fashion shift may help teen retailers
...Apparently teens are going to start wearing clothes to go out

Indonesia's Mount Merapi slows tourism
...so they're going to put a tunnel through it

Gay seniors spark specialized housing market
...where you can play showtunes as loud as you like

Ex-detainees: 'No hope' at Guantanamo
...Inmates' lawyers demand access to hope

Iraq's al-Qaida names Zarqawi successor
...who is about to be downsized in a hostile takeover

Lunch 'hour' shrinking for most U.S. workers
...Good thing since Americans aren't exactly shrinking

FBI reports biggest violent crime jump in 15 years
...Violent crime to be entered in decathalon trials

Liberals see opportunity in Bush's slide
...while he's out playing on the money bars

TI chip-making process to double output per wafer
...by cutting percentage of trans fats in each

Fear of leftist has Mexican middle class on edge
...and jumping over it into Texas

Bulky man barely injured as car rolls over him
...then dies of heart disease at 40

Cats to compete in reality TV show in New York
...instead of all alone in the moooooonlight


6/13/06
Palestinian security men go on rampage
...Ironically leaving a wake of insecurity

Utah ranked No. 1 state for volunteering
...thanks to wives with too few husband to go around

Hawking says humans must go into space
...if they want to understand where David Lynch is coming from

S.C. scientists find new shark species
...that gives short-term loans at 250% interest

Group sues KFC to stop use of unhealthy fat
...Settlement includes coupon for coronary bypass surgery

Israel blames Hamas mine for beach blast
...when really Frankie Avalon was responsible

Southern Baptists to choose new leader
...Jesus out based on suspicious fraternization with men

Yahoo says email worm now contained
...in a bottle of tequilla

More Japanese consumers snub whale meat
...than Americans snub sushi

West lobbies for Iran enrichment freeze
...but Hell would likely freeze first

QB's crash unlikely to spur new helmet laws
...but bikers will be required to wear shoulder pads

Katrina cleanup sparks fear of toxic trash
...but most of that moved to Houston

Study finds Prozac no help for anorexia relapses
...Scientists surprised anorexics won't swallow something?

China irked by topless women's health ad
...as many men irked themselves upon seeing it

Pentagon won't hide interrogation tactics
...Soundproofing to be removed from walls

Leno, Rice top list of desired dinner invitees
...where rat poison will be a key ingredient

Democrats differ on way forward in Iraq
...but Republicans agree on backward ways in Iraq


6/14/06
Fan on field exposes World Cup security flaws
...Streaker on field exposes everything else

Seniors moving out of nursing home system
...to start families thanks to new fertility advances

Hot, dry conditions hamper Texas cotton
...unless you include a sheet of Bounce with the load

Aussies plot ways to upset mighty Brazil
...Plan B: Sleep with the Brazilians' wives

White House: "Bad idea" if N. Korea tests missile
...W. House is current leader in export of bad ideas

Too many kids can still buy violent video games: FTC
...but that keeps them busy instead of doing driveby shootings

Israeli PM sees risk of West Bank, Gaza split
...which could be triggered by explosives near fault

Marine sorry for song about killing Iraqis
...Robert Smith of the The Cure says his version was better


6/15/06
Attacks dip after Iraqi security operation
...Rednecks dip prior to oral cancer operation

Bus attack pushes Sri Lanka closer to war
...or at least that's the next stop on this route

Episcopalians weigh not having gay bishops
...or rather not knowing bishops are gay

Supreme Court backs no-knock searches
...This Halloween will yield tricks or treats indeed!

Permafrost thaws may unleash tons of carbon
...comparable to methane output from a Mexican dinner

High temperatures surprise World Cup teams
...who have been too busy to hear about global warming

New Orleans seen a boom town as storm aid arrives
...Boom drowned out by sound of approaching thunder

Church urged to transform image after sex scandal
...by getting deal for HBO show: Queer Eye for the Altar Boy

Flag-burning amendment heads to Senate floor
...where ironically, if it touches it, it will have to be burned

Smokers not being helped to quit, report finds
...since global warming makes smoking outdoors tolerable

Bill Clinton praises evangelical Christians
...for taking on his former role as butt of jokes

Raul Castro says Cuba will stay communist
...until it files for bankruptcy

Whale carcass mystifies Alaska scientists
...who have absolutely no idea how best to cook it

U.S. blocks media access to Guantanamo
...except for the reporters incarcerated there


6/16/06
Colo. court rules younger teens can marry
...Gays applaud efforts to protect sanctity of the institution

Eating less may cut Alzheimer's symptoms
...Good thing they can't remember when lunch is

New urban designs sought in obesity fight
...such as wider sidewalks with extra rebar

Business professors rethink ethics classes
...after sleeping with students who want an 'A'

DNA test to clear up Confucius confusion
...if umpire is right that man with four balls can walk

Mother duck makes annual traffic-stopping trip
...Commuters exclaim something that sounds like 'mother duck'

Ron Wood in rehab but will tour with Stones
...Keith Richards still dead; also expected to tour

Pentagon details abuse of Iraq detainees
...in kinky letter to Penthouse Forum

Apple eyes labor conditions at iPod factory
...after attacks on 'Pod People' by paranoids

Experts predict epidemic of hip-fractures
...as break dancing sees revival among Gen Xers


6/17/06
Florida school board bans book on Cuba
...on grounds Cuba is only a theory not a fact

Ranchers add ladders to border fences
...Minutemen try to add the 'shoots' to the game

Iran says will offer nuke package changes
...such as no frequent flyer miles for terrorists

Bush urges nations to keep Iraq pledges
...the way he kept his promise of 'No nation building'

Kazakhstan puts its first satellite into space
...to spy on Sasha Cohen's exploits as Borat


6/18/06
Cattle rustlers a growing menace in U.S.
...but cow tippers a persistent nusancer

Two hurt after 500-foot fall off Mount Hood
...and all the king's horses and all the king's men...

Father's Day idea conceived 97 years ago
...when a condom broke in the back of a Model T

Spokesman: Bush polls don't rule Iraq war
...No, but Iraq war rules Bush polls

Iran says U.S. making nuclear talks difficult
...since Bush can't pronounce nuclear intelligently

Deer gets inside house, attacks Ohio woman
...for alledgedly commenting he had a 'nice rack'

Aerial photos highlight Hawaiian coastline
...Postcards at the airport gift shop do this too

Experts: Ethanol's water demands a concern
...Charlie Sheen's ethanol demands a concern


6/19/06
North Korea reportedly has fueled missile
...and GWB's crusade, inadvertantly

Nestle to buy Jenny Craig in $600M deal
...Years ago you could have had Jenny for dinner and a movie

Saudi women use blogs to make voices heard
...since their voices are muffled beneath burkas

Teen obesity linked to heart abnormalities
...such as 'I [heart] cookies'

Bush warns Iran not to reject offer of talks
...even if they can't understand what he's saying either

Cheney sees success in warding off attacks
...since he cut back on his intake of trans fats


6/20/06
National Guard arrives in New Orleans
...wishing they were safe in Iraq instead

Panda population far higher than expected
...due to shortage of rubber trees to make condoms

Episcopalians address gay bishop impasse
...about whether frocks are passe this season

Condors seen at risk for lead poisoning
...from high lead content of bird shot

Microsoft sets its sights on OS for robots
...that it hopes to turn end users into

Mercado looks for liberal votes in Mexico
...by luring some Mexicans back from California

Indonesia volcano may be at cycle's end
...on the de-Tour de Fance

Bush travels to Europe to shore up ties
...Apparently he can't tie his own by himself

Drug users warned of deadly tainted heroin
...that apparently ends craving for the drug

GOP leaders: No immigration bill this year
...since tax cuts and deficit mean they can't foot it

Researchers break silicon speed record
...previously set by Anna Nicole Smith

'Print clock' method helps date antique books
...Match.com finds dates for antique book collectors?

India plan to dam rivers stirs critics
...who don't appreciate that kind of language

Number of global millionaires grows to 8.7M
...far short of Carl Sagan's 'millions and billions'

Lego to lay off 1,200 in U.S., Denmark
...Few surprised to hear of lost Lego pieces


6/21/06
Federal Reserve likely to continue rate hikes
...more commonly knonwn as a wedgie

Illegal drug use among U.S. workers falls
...thanks to yesterday's tainted heroine deaths

North Korea seeks talks with U.S. on missile
...'No way I'm talkin' on a missle,' says confused Bush

New Yorkers get high marks on courtesy
...for adding 'please' before 'go fuck yourself'

Japan agrees to lift ban on U.S. beef
...but most Americans won't eat their raw fish

Stem cells help partially paralyzed rats walk
...Mobsters vow to completely paralyze rats next time

EU leaders back Bush on Iran, North Korea
...and his upcoming plans to invade Poland

African nations battle against 'pirate' fishers
...who catch whatever has walked the plank

Uganda police ban playing pool in the daytime
...on mistaken belief sharks don't feed at night

Pluto's newly found moons named Nix, Hydra
...but they're too far away to hear you no matter what they're called


6/22/06
Biologist discovers new way to date books
...Hugh Hefner perfected way to have sex with them

Al-Qaida second-in-command issues video
...that bumps Connie Chung from top spot on youtube.com

Mexican candidates court female voters
...to say, 'Hey, we aren't gay, okay?'

NYC councilman proposes limiting fast food
...by making the seats smaller at McDonalds

Lawmakers reach compromise on wind farm
...by agreeing to supply hot air to drive turbines

Rate of African forest loss may be understated
...thanks to clever use of comb-over by foresters

Raptors rethinking who should be No. 1 pick
...the paleontologist or the slimey corporate lawyer

China pleased after watching U.S. wargames
...but thinks Broderick was better in 'Ferris Bueler'

Earth's temperature at 400-year high - study
...'That's hot,' says Nobel-winning climatologist Paris Hilton

Seal loses payment battle with ex-manager
...and will have to work extra shifts at Sea World

Roger Waters calls on Israel to remove wall
...by buying every available copy in local music stores


6/23/06
Bootleg alcohol in Russia a 'national tragedy'
...unless you add a Coke and some ice

U.S.: Terror suspects sought al-Qaida ties
...instead of less fashionable line by Rush Limbaugh

U.S. government hit by rash of data breaches
...Valtrex is recommened for rashes in breaches

Boat speed limit proposed to save whales
...from driving too fast

U.S. judge won't delay Colo. smoking ban
...long enough for smokers to get down to the filter

Internet phones must pay into subsidy fund
...but where do you drop the quarter in?

Do-it-yourself medicine makes inroads
...for plastic surgeons' specializing in scar removal

Some Democrats coming to terms with Iraq rift
...Iraq war establishes term limits all right

China gives extra-picky pandas their space
...on a personals web site

Tighter Antarctic protection measures on hold
...after becoming trapped in the ice

Hollywood needs hits from "Superman," "Pirates"
...Hit from Superman can cause earthquakes in California

Ky. blocks state workers' access to blog
...Who knew anyone in Ky. knew how to write?


6/24/06
German sex industry fails to get World Cup lift
...so it is switching to the Wonder Bra instead

Clinton: Democrats 'struggling' with Iraq
...Bush struggling with 3rd grade math

Sunnis complain religious leader detained
...by outdated dogma

China parliament to mull anti-monopoly law
...US retaliates with anti-Mahjong law

California office holders get 18 percent raise
...in keeping with CA trend of freakish enlargements

U.S. blacks hear better than whites - study
...probably because they have their stereos turned up

Heartburn more common in Western countries
...when we try to eat out at Middle Eastern restaurants


6/25/06
Thousands expected at L.A. erotica convention
...Thousands of births expected nine months from now

Iraqi PM offers olive branch to insurgents
...after filling it with plastic explosives

Specter: Agreement on eavesdropping near
...or so he's heard

U.S. population to hit 300 million in 2006
...U.S. population needs to be taught not to hit

Police capture gator on Long Island lawn
...for public drunkenness on Long Island ice teas

VA barred from publicizing offer to veterans
...unless they happen to read about it in the news

Beckham goal lifts England over Ecuador
...Cartographers note this has always been the case

Buffett set to give billions to charity
...and change his name to Buffet

Minnesota natives clean up at NHL draft
...thanks to contract with Minnesoate custodians

Women should be given more birth choices
...instead of just 'boy' or 'girl'

Queen Elizabeth invites 2,000 kids to tea
...inspiring Michael Jackson to use a larger net


6/26/06
Report sees global opium production drop
...during Keith Richards' stay in the hospital

Fugitive brown bear shot dead in Germany
...Meanwhlie, brownshirts continue to run free

More defibrillators, pacemakers recalled
...after God recalls patients' souls

Rowling: 2 characters die in last Potter book
...after refusing to appear in any more sequels

High court to hear auto emissions appeal
...Unlike the rest of us who can't hear their appeal

Study links pesticides with Parkinson's
...but critics say the findings are shakey

Bush: N.Korea must reveal its intent on missile
...Ummm, how many things are missles intended for?

Scientists seek to spy on world's fish
...given that they have a better sex life than scientists

Warren Buffett lunch gets $500,100 bid on eBay In Depth
...No word yet on who will pick up the tip

Cell phone signals excite brain: study
...except when you're on hold to that damned Musak

Supreme Court takes greenhouse gas case
...What are they going to do with a case of CO2?

U.S. official: Tough to shut Guantanamo
...So how come the prisoners don't escape?


6/27/06
Lawmaker wants Calif. island for hunting
...of death row inmates by Gov. Schwarzenegger

New radar is undetectable, inventor claims
...after earlier career as Emperor's new tailor

Half-ton Mexican man loses 200 pounds
...and little else with pockets that big

Tribunal: 2nd Saddam trial to open Aug. 21
...Special sneak preview at midnight Aug. 20

Hamas-Fatah to implicitly recognize Israel
...on implicit geography exam

Limbaugh held for having unprescribed Viagra
...[Punchline not available without doctor supervision]

Mass. lawmaker drops opposition to Fluff
...since that's what his platform consists of

Rice pushes Pakistan on 2007 elections
...Continental drift pushes India into China

Oil rises above $72 amid Iran tensions
...Oil rises above water due to surface tension

Notebook PCs still prone to hardware failure
...says reporter after losing his intended story

Israeli soldier in 'secure place' - militant group
...so obviously he's nowhere in the Middle East

Federer breaks Borg's grass court record
...but Tommy Chong is coming up close behind

Growth of organic dairy farms raises concerns
...Correction: Growth of bacteria is the real concern

Star Jones Reynolds leaving "The View" in July
...after breaking countless couches during her stay

Police shoot man at Las Vegas airport
...Officer describes the incident as a 'crap shoot'

U.S. farmers try to preserve dwindling breeds
...such as U.S. farmers, for example


6/28/06
Teachers selling lectures, study guides online
...to cover costs of pepper spray and tasers

Obama: Democrats must court evangelicals
...but evangelicals tend to court prostitutes

Fresh violence breaks out in East Timor
...relieving residents of stale, old violence

Democrat Obama urges response to religious right
...Most appropriate one would be McLaughlin's 'Wrong!'

Palm and Xerox settle "Graffiti" dispute
...over who's going to clean it off my PDA

Armani, Clooney show that aging can be sexy
...Females conspicuously absent from 'study'

Porsche tops J.D. Power satisfaction study
...of men with disposable incomes and small pensises

Gray whale births rebound along Pacific Coast
...with Brittany Spears leading the pod


6/29/06
Drive is on to register Hispanic voters in U.S.
...They're waiting at the corner to be picked up

Amish farmer says milk law opposes beliefs
...along with electricity, medical science, and so on

U.S. presses Israel to use restraint in Gaza
...so they're handcuffing Hamas members

Mexico struggles to find election help
...like there are no unemployed Mexicans

Embezzler busted for posing as Brad Pitt
...but bailed out by prospective agents

Weighted toys may help kids burn calories
...For xmas: 50 pound Xbox controlers!


6/30/06
Vatican to release files on Pope Pius XI
...to prove he didn't sleep with Marilyn Monroe

Bin Laden wants al-Zarqawi body released
...after U.S. managed to release his soul from it

House condemns media over reporting
...'But that's our jobs, retards!' retort reporters

Egypt trying to mediate deal to free Israeli
...in a back-asswards version of 'Exodus'

Bin Laden vows to fight on
...misguided principles, as usual

Bush, Koizumi bond over Elvis at Graceland tour
...marking the white trashiest moment of white trash presidency

Stolen laptop with veterans' data recovered
...with Matt Damon by Tom Hanks and company

Weighted toys may help kids get fit during playtime
...See, for example, how 'sinkies' replace pool 'floaties'


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
Back to the index