The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

5/1/06
Jury selection to begin in second sniper case
...Defendent expected to chose his randomly

Spray flu vaccine may be better for babies
...though there is presently no vaccine against babies

Supreme Court backs Anna Nicole Smith
...while silicon continues to front her

Scope of immigrant work boycott unclear
...but does nothing for stereotypes of lazy Mexicans

Bush calls Putin to discuss Iran
...He needs answers to this week's homework

Giuliani still pondering White House run
...which is more thinking than currently goes on there

Lay grilled on spending
...Money to burn? Grill a CEO

Mexicans march to support migrants in U.S.
...Migrants march to support families in Mexico

Cruise's appeal put to test as "M:i III" debuts
...Court of public opinion denies Cruise's appeal


5/2/06
Thieves gas themselves in cyanide heist blunder
...Darwin Award prize money should put their kids through college

Possible Alzheimer's, diabetes link set for test
...Did you remember to take your insulin?

Government drafts pandemic flu plan
...to be adapted as summer blockbuster

Union leader offers Wal-Mart bit of praise
...for keeping bribes up while lowering prices

Unmanned vehicles to compete for $2M prize
...but no one is sure what robots will spend money on

US unveils strategy to combat terrorist travel
...Simply give them extended vacations in Cuba

College aid qualifications to get stiffer
...when applicants misinterpret 'Sex?'


5/3/06
Iran uranium at level to fuel reactors
...and reactionaries

Alcohol firms profit from underage drinking
...Kids just want to play with the tequilla worm

US seeks concessions for Darfur rebels
...and aims to build concession stands throughout region

Wal-Mart to sell build-your-own computers
...that will drive the average customer to drink

Charity exec who stole to pay dominatrix gets jail
...or exactly what he was looking for: punishment

Man weighing 1,200 pounds seeks life-saving surgery
...for all five of him

Post Office wants 3-cent stamp-rate increase
...or another postal worker is going to flip out

Lay's to reduce potato chips fat with new oil
...so now you know why we're in the Middle East

Vatican re-examines ban on contraception
...after outbreak of STDs among altar boys

Bush makes case for extending tax cuts
...to fund his popularity from the abyss

Salaries for Hollywood stars said dropping
...something their plastic surgeons can't lift

500-pound loggerhead sea turtle rescued
...by a 600 lb gorilla


5/4/06
Cheney lectures Russia about reform
...in display of Chernobyl-scale irony

World oil prices may stay high through 2007
...No word on mileage left on Courtney Love's wagon

Eight new frog species discovered in Laos
...on the menu

Picasso portrait sells for $95.2 million
...in what could be called his 'green period'

Haiti torture chamber transformed into school
...What's the difference? ask critics

U.S. releases Zarqawi video outtakes
...as extra on director's cut dvd

Iran reportedly makes fuel rods for reactors
...that are just the right diameter to screw themselves

New storm on Jupiter hints at climate change
...and a new place to dump our CFCs

US survey shows autism very common
...according to researchers polling at sci-fi conventions


5/5/06
Blair reshuffles cabinet amid election losses
...whereas others compulsively clean under stress

Artificial rain washes dust from Chinese capital
...At this point just what *isn't* made in China?

China builds ties with Latin American nations
...Oh, and they make ties as well

Calif. may ban personal ultrasound machines
...prompting Tom Cruise to jump on more furniture

D.C. sniper starts questioning witnesses
...about when they'll give an unobstructed shot

Dow Jones surges close to all-time high
...before being admitted to rehab for 28 days

U.S. to retry man accused of lying to FBI
...Like they say: 'Lie, try again'

Goss departure "mutual understanding" with Bush
...in rare case of Bush understanding anything (or vice versa)

Hollywood wonders "What would Jesus direct?"
...and offers him helm for 'Lethal Weapon 5'


5/6/06
Activist battles for New Orleans musicians' health
...Musicians battle their health with recreational drug habits

Rice, Russian official discuss Mideast, Iran
...or their Vietnams, respectively

Democrats push to end tax breaks for oil companies
...Tax brakes?  Oil slick!

Healthy diet hard to maintain after heart attack
...since hospital food leads to temporary anorexia

Persistent pain common after stroke
...except in the parts you can't feel anymore

Caribbean in for another bad hurricane season
...Pirates encouraged to find pillaging elsewhere

Heterosexual elected Episcopal Bishop of Calif
...Who knew there were any hetero Episcopals in CA?


5/7/06
Testimony in Enron trial winding down
...much like my interest in it did before it even began

Red foxes thrive in urban British communities
...and in reruns yelling at Lamont

Bush says he would like to close Guantanamo
...to reporters' questions and human rights groups

Bush says plenty of US diplomacy ahead on Iran
...That's what he's been saving it up for, apparently

UK says UFOs caused by natural forces
...if you can call anything in Hollywood 'natural'

Keith Richards undergoes brain surgery
...in hopes they can give him the ability to speak clearly

Cardinal urges legal action against Da Vinci Code
...to help pay off former altar boys

Poll: 4 in 10 play electronic games
...and the rest answer pointless surveys

Mormon polygamist leader on FBI Most Wanted list
...and quite a few bachelorettes at one time or another as well

Economic health may be in eye of beholder
...but a little salve should clear it up

Gore invites 250 to view his documentary
...roughly double the number who saw 'Gigli'

More change may be coming at CIA
...though agents would prefer cash (less noisy)

Victoria's Secret tries on sexy sports bras
...There's no such thing (so they're going topless)


5/8/06
Hawaiian waters grow crowded with whales
...but maybe it wouldn't be so crowded if they weren't whales

Worldwide survey estimates 694 mln adult Web users
...MySpace surveys indicate most have too much free time

Rower's solo trans-Atlantic attempt fails
...to gain any spectators when bleachers sink

Rescuers get close to Australian miners
...by buying them a few drinks and talking rugby

Iran proposes 'diplomatic opening' to U.S.
...U.S. response: 'Shove it up your opening'

Blair: Nuking Iran would be absurd
...so operation will be carried out by John Cleese

New TV show aims to help put kids to sleep
...Actually, C-SPAN does that now


5/9/06
Bush defends prescription drug program
...that doubled as a vacation for Rush Limbaugh

Pentagon recruiting reaches airline passengers
...by showing Tom Clancy movies as in-flight features

New Orleans real estate market booming
...Buy low, sell high (waters)

Key obstacle in forming Iraq govt resolved
...by removing all the Iraqis from the equation

Gas prices boost appeal of telecommuting
...and the coffee is usually better as well

Moussaoui has new view of justice system
...partially obscured by inch-thick metal bars

Utah launches criminal probe of church
...on claims of partnership with God

Coma patients misrepresented in movies
...but never speak up for better representation

Iran president says democracy has failed
...and points to last two US elections as proof

C-SPAN asks web sites to pull Colbert clip
...Colbert asks Bush to pull his finger

Misconceptions about Haitian voodoo persist
...thanks to spell involving chicken bones and newts' eyes


5/10/06
Experts fear bird-flu movie may spur panic
...the way 'Basic Instinct' inspired fear of lesbians

Lack of supply reduces hybrid car sales
...What supply?  Power supply?

Bush: Iran letter doesn't answer nuke question
...but who cares how they pronounce 'nuclear' anyway?

Fed leaves door open for further hikes
...and may even try camping and canoeing

Putin offers couples cash to have more babies
...in strangest ever version of soliciting prostitution

Logs show Abramoff made two White House visits
....Ewwww!  Why didn't he flush?


5/11/06
E3 video game 'booth babes' forced to cover up
...in attempt to stop a different kind of pop-ups

NSA secretly collecting U.S. phone records
...sort of like MCI's 'Friends & Family' plan

Iran leader says he's ready to negotiate
...In other words he's crying "Uncle" (Sam)

NSA monitoring phone calls of millions in U.S.
...Meanwhile I can't even keep up with my own email

Congress demands phone-records answers
...but Bush is out of service

Britain releases report on London bombers
...falling down, falling down, falling down

Women see paternal clues in men's faces
...when they aren't distracted by his wallet

Wind farm to be built off Texas coast
...to collect stray hot air from Texas politicians

EU lawmakers complain US stonewalls on torture
...How much does that hurt, ask confused readers

Nintendo game guru seeks fun, not better graphics
...nor a girlfriend, apparently

Disney's "Tarzan" musical wins mixed reviews in NY
...when lead does trademark yell in B-flat

Colombia police train rats to find landmines
...Land mines resent being ratted out to police


5/12/06
White House stands by Hayden nomination
...and intelligent design and WMD in Iraqi and a flat earth

Senators agree to revive immigration bill
...rather than importing one from over the border

U.S. asks Egypt to lighten up on protesters
...so they decide to use flame throwers on them

Children can help parents with financial plan
...by going willingly into the slave trade

Fans supply J.K. Rowling with writing paper
...in the form of 10 pound notes

Somalia street battles rage for sixth day
...With any luck, on the seventh they'll rest

No states meet U.S. teacher quality goal
...Never mind the paucity of quality students

Video game console wars approach climax
...as gamers frantically fondle their joysticks

FDA warns of suicide risk for Paxil
...though it's considerably less than risk without it

More uranium reportedly found in Iran
...Wait a sec, Mr. Bush.  Fool me once...


5/13/06
Nearly 190 nations to meet on climate change
...and burn lots of hydrocarbons getting there

Indicted Kentucky gov. to seek second term
...without the possibility of parole

Rock chunk falls from Mount St. Helens
...after failing to wear proper hiking boots

Sports drinks can be tough on teeth
...just like many sports

Human arms found in Fla. alligator's belly
...Gator disarmed and taken into custody

Ala. candidate's Holocaust views shock
...which is why he ought to be properly grounded

Changes in Mich. food-stamp system sought
...so stamp collectors can complete their collections


5/14/06
Sleep breathing issues affect blood pressure
...For example, her snoring is raising mine!

Indonesians return despite eruption threat
...like so many battered wives before them

Video-game art pushing edge of realism
...as gamers try to escape reality

Plane carrying Sen. Kennedy hit by lightning
...GWB overdue to multiple direct hits from God

Reese Witherspoon tours Katrina devastation
...to add insult to injury

Bush political problems may have no quick fix
...Mental retardation either, not unconincidentally

Leonard Cohen promotes book in rare appearance
...He does appear on the dust jacket, however

Mexico's Fox calls Bush to discuss border
...since he can't even color between them

Bullying keeps overweight kids from exercise
...but effects are countered by stealing their lunch money


5/15/06
'Poseidon' falls short of 'M:i:III' at box office
...Capsized ship not as bouyant as Cruise's vacuousness?

Thai officials propose new election date
...since the current one it too tall in heels

MTV launches online music, video store
...since both are in short supply on network since 1992

Pope urges Muslims to respect Christians
...or he'll send those Crusaders back in again

Drought threatens western China food supply
...and high gas prices means delivery is too expensive

Founder of Math Olympiads dies at 88
...just one year shy of reaching his prime (number)

Report: 48 million refuse to use seat belts
...Darwin Awards to be delivered at 65 MPH

Hayden hearings to focus on surveillance
..while surveillance underway on hearings

Glaciers in Africa expected to disappear
...as dictators drive away anything white


5/16/06
Military veterans wage war on obesity
...by shooting it in the gut

Utah campground shut after plague detected
...following outbreaks of famine and hints of the Rapture

Bush: Spying program protects America
...from terrorists trying to take our (missing) freedom

Rain soaks New England for fifth day
...much like any five days in Old England

"Drowsy" leads Tony nominations, big names snubbed
...since the critics dozed off during their performances

Lava flows down sides of Indonesia volcano
...as opposed to, what, up the sides?

Polygamist church leader still in hiding
...behind cloud of frustrated women

18th-century British warships found off R.I.
...since there's very little room for anything on R.I.

Mich. woman's power shut off over one cent
...That doesn't make any cents, says woman

Dust sculptor makes Turner Prize shortlist
...He now hopes to hire new housekeeper with award money

Bush: U.S. not listening to domestic calls
...Bush not listening to calls for impeachment

Bears eat monkey in front of zoo visitors
...when Fear Factor is stripped-down to basics


5/17/06
Palestinians send militant force into streets
...Great.  They're homeless and have guns

Texas may raise speed limit to 80 mph
...so gay couples can get to Mass. faster

India to tackle poverty before global warming
...so the poor won't be run over by advancing glaciers

Bush threatens to veto farm aid package
...unless Willie Nelson plays at his birthday party

Man, 70, said to be oldest to scale Everest
...and be prematurely preserved cryogenically

Colombia, US smash cocaine ring
...into a very fine white powder

Some Americans may get too many nutrients
...thanks to new pork rind favored One-A-Day


5/18/06
Britain issues first drought order in 11 years
...There hasn't been a demand for a dought in that long?

Southwest Airlines weighs assigning seats
...in the cargo hold to the fat guy overflowing into mine

Kentucky family fights to keep pet lion
...Primary weapon in fight: A pet lion

Organic food boom raises issue of standards
...Organic food boom caused by gas explosion

Senate says English is national, unifying tongue
...and demands the President begin speaking it

Enron jury leaves for weekend without verdict
...after hiding verdict in a secret Swiss bank account

Governments failed to stop overfishing: study
...In fact, guess what they did on their vacation?

Sony Ericsson launches five new mobile phones
...Sometimes angry spouses do this, too

Karaoke trains to the roof of world
...aren't far enough if you're sober

"Da Vinci Code" reviews frustrating, director says
...because they're too cryptic

FBI searches Michigan farm for Jimmy Hoffa
...in effort to end comedy's most dependable punchline


5/19/06
Hayden says CIA must look past controversy
...with infrared goggles with long-range lenses

San Diego border reopens after shooting
...as bullets sometimes result in openings

Some immigrants fear guest worker program
...whereas some workers fear immigrants

Puppy trafficking industry grows
...Related story: Leash industry sees record profits

BellSouth wants USA Today to retract claims
...Paper wants it in writing, hangs up on phone co.

Segway 'gliders' extol virtues of scooter life
...but Harley fans still have a better theme song

White House criticizes Egypt over protests
...Egypt counters by protesting criticism

L.A. confronts abuse in Asian families
...with a roundhouse kick tot the face

Researchers challenge 'Hobbit' species find
...saying it looks more like an elf or halfling

Hayden Senate confirmation appears assured
...according to numerous wiretaps

Protests to greet Rice at Boston College
...Red beans to greet rice in Louisiana

Al Gore in movie campaign to protect Earth
...pretty much like any other blockbuster

Bush opposes English as national language: Gonzales
...[Too obvious to waste time on this punchline]

EU asks US to consider plane sales to Iran
...So give a gun to a bullet manufacturer?

Democrats ask Bush for intelligence update on Iran
...Good luck getting to the word 'update' in that sentence

Christie's to hold 'Star Trek' garage sale
...in orbit around Neptune

Immigration measure said likely to pass
...twelve inches

U.S. publishing industry enjoys strong 2005
...since they printed calendars on thicker stock

FBI told in 1976 of possible Hoffa site
...but no one had a net connection to check it out


5/20/06
Guards and detainees clash at Guantanamo
...in polar opposite of a Showtime lesbian prison flick

Ecuador making risky moves on energy policy
...and you should see it on the dance floor

Myths, history made 'Mona Lisa' famous
...Similar combination works for just about everyone

Report: Anonymity of air marshals at risk
...since they are only ones to tolerate airline food

TV producers worried about product placement
...blocking view of the tv screen

Iraqi parliament approves new Cabinet
...but Martha Stewart says doesn't match the decor

New Orleans votes in mayoral runoff
...and in wake of Katrina runoff

Ozone hole may disappear by 2050 - report
...Job would only take three years if we didn't use union labor

Jack Nicklaus adjusting to life without golf
...a role model more should follow

Statins may help people with low cholesterol: trial
...but bacon is just as effective and tastier

GOP pins hopes on black Republicans
...[Punchline declared too funny to be revealed]

English language debate renews questions
...declarations, and even some exclamations


5/21/06
Nagin looks to mend divides in New Orleans
...Corps of Engineers looks to do same to levees

Mexico works to bar non-natives from jobs
...to keep from becoming anything like the US

Iraqi prime minister vows to end violence
...among other empty campaign promises

Memories of 1918 flu pandemic haunt 21st century
...since only ghosts have memories from that long ago

Planned Parenthood opens quick-service clinic
...to keep up with unplanned demand

Walkers worldwide march against child hunger
...which kind of works up an appetite, really

Radio-frequency chips coming to cattle
...so your hamburger will interfere with your cell phone

One in 136 U.S. residents behind bars
...the rest are in front of them having another round

Elton John says photographers "should all be shot"
...so they all pointed cameras  at the mirror and clicked


5/22/06
Thieves steal personal data of 26.5M vets
...and it's up to Chuck Norris to bring 'em back

Defense lawyer thrown out in Saddam trial
...for indefensible conduct

Gas prices fall for first time since February
...when it slipped on a patch of ice in Hell

Bear reported in Germany, first for 170 years
...outside of certain leather bars

Environmentalists say Canada undermines Kyoto
...but 'paper' still beats 'rock'

Bush says progress in Iraq 'incremental'
...a word he learned from his special ed report cards

New glasses require piercing bridge of nose
...in attempt to blur disctinction between goths and other nerds

Albright critical of Bush's religious rhetoric
...English teachers critical of all the rest of it


5/23/06
Tribe seeks greater freedom to kill eagles
...Presently, they're only allowed to scalp them

Bush praises Israeli plan for new borders
...which our Nat'l Guard will also have to patrol

Investigators to examine seals at Ky. mine
...and find out what they're doing so far from water

Bush seeks diplomacy in Iran nuclear issue
...What? No 'nuke first, ask questions later'?

Senate panel endorses Hayden as CIA director
...after dissenters in group mysteriously go missing

Nike shoes talk to Apple's iPod in new system
...that puts the 'walk' back in Walkman

Soldiers bond with iRobot machine
...so let's get them some whores already!

Chinese see gold in rail link to roof of world
...then dig it out and cause derailment of next train

Bush border patrol plan may pressure courts
...in retaliation for that whole gay marriage thing

'Seeing machine' may help some blind people
...the rest won't even look at it

White House says ready for hurricane season
...Sure, considering how far north they are


5/24/06
Most liposuction patients happy with results
...and so are the rest of the beachgoers

Gore steps back in the limelight, sets off buzz
...Bush caught in beerlights, getting a buzz

Study: ADHD drugs send thousands to ERs
...Lack of ADHD drugs send thousands to detention

"Sleeper effect" of cigarettes can last for years
...but sleeping with a cig ends things pretty quickly

Washington Mutual lays off 1,400 workers
...so they'll be mutually disappointed

Visitor center at dinosaur monument crumbling
...unless it is coated with plaster of Paris

Court allows Budweiser sales in Hungary
...and Hot Dog sales in Thirsty?

Olmert says Israel will draw own borders
...No, Bush color inside these either

Hurricane drill finds communications flaws
...most obviously with the President

Ill. school district to monitor student blogs
...for any evidence that kids can actually write


5/25/06
Study: Parents encourage kids to watch TV
...so they'll have privacy to make more spin-offs

Judge bars D.C. sniper from examining officer
...to see if he's wearing a vest

John Snow to leave mid-June: report
...Meteorologists don't expect snow to return till November

Want to be invisible? Theories see a possible way
...at least when they cover it with a sheet

Cheney may be star witness in CIA leak case
...what with his winning smile and good looks

Britain eyes giant grass as energy source
...Cheech & Chong have proven it doesn't work that way

Soul singer Taylor Hicks wins "American Idol"
...thanks to votes from millions of other hicks

Bush and Blair acknowledge Iraq 'setbacks'
...in exercise in typically British understatement

Romania gives Dracula's castle to owners
...after being threatened with bites to the throat


5/26/06
Computer system could alert doctors to abuse
...Humans could use anti-virus programs as well

Katrina evacuees graduate Houston schools
...when standards are droped below sea level

Defense rests in case of Abu Ghraib dog handler
...Actually, defense told to 'heel'

McDonald's CEO decries fast food 'fiction'
...admitting Happy Meals are clinically depressed

Enron whistleblower says justice was done
...though some say justice was only medium rare


5/27/06
Scholars ponder same-sex marriage issues
...such as how to break the news to their wives

Belarus unveils monument to secret police
...after keeping it in solitary for decades

Bush reflects on U.S. military sacrifice
...Some doubt Bush casts a reflection at all

FBI probes hacking incident at Us Weekly
...where most of the writers are also hacks

Nevada 'mushroom cloud' blast delayed
...when Jack Bauer cuts the green wire

Harley-Davidson seeks to expand overseas
...by overinflating tires to become buoyant


5/28/06
Iraqi PM fails to name new officials
...in early sign of Alzheimers disease

'X-Men' breaks weekend box office record
...when Collosus throws Wolverine through it

U.K. roil persists over mentally ill convicts
...Critics contend all criminals are mentally ill

Immigration debate impacts Mexican race
...Related story: Speedy Gonzales wins Mexican race

'Little Al' one of most prolific mob informants
...so-named because they broke his legs off


5/29/06
Former POW gets note from Iraqi captor
...It's a bill for stealing the towels

CBS correspondent critical but stable
...Gene Shalit critical but unfashionable

Packages at S.F. City Hall deemed harmless
...Packages at male strip clubs deemed likewise

Celebrities insure their body parts
...for almost as much as they paid for them

Two of three college graduates go into debt
...trying to pay off their bar tabs

FBI comes up empty in search for Hoffa
...Comedians retain an old standby punchline


5/30/06
Study: Canadians healthier than Americans
...They're better preserved by keeping them on ice

Boy who vanished in Colorado found alive
...and questioned about the inside of the saucer

Ancient female skeleton discovered in Rome
...as Joan Rivers reports from Italian movie premier

Men not getting message on sunscreen
...because they're distracted by topless sunbathers

Rice: U.S. sets conditions for talks with Iran
...Conditions are cold with a slight chance of fallout


5/31/06
Bush offers to help catch Rwanda criminals
...based on his record with Osama bin Laden

Ohio coin dealer admits illegal donations
...He gave lugs not nickels

US tightens security on New England-Canada border
...to keep those liberals from invading and turning New England blue

"Hobbit" humans able to make tools
...and blockbuster movies

FCC upholds CBS fine for Jackson breast flash
...Costs to be covered by pay-per-view rebroadcast

'Idol' Taylor Hicks signs record contract
...Athiests everywhere say, 'Told you so.'

N.Y., D.C. to get less anti-terror funds
...than Hollywood budgets for Bruce Willis' anti-terror exploits

Mistaken ID stuns crash victims' families
...Crash stuns victims, obviously

Baby with 3 arms may have surgery
...and miss out on unprecidented career as juggler

British couple sets record for longest marriage
...Military seeks advice on from them on surviving captivity


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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